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Thread: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

  1. #1
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    Default Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other then to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

    After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
    Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

    We x-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples; admitting him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, a broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.
    The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.
    Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less then a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me.

    An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.
    I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
    By Dr. William A. Morton, Jr. MD, a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.
    The Algorithm Is Watching

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    Obituary


    William A. Morton, Jr., M.D., died peacefully of a stroke in Oxford, PA at the age of 100.

    He was born on September 27, 1920 in Bellaire, Ohio.

    He graduated from the University of Pittsburgh and was inducted into the United States Army, joining the U.S. Army Medical Corps where he was trained as a medical doctor at Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia. He was deployed to Germany in the spring of 1945 for the last months of WW II. Honorably discharged with the rank of captain, he returned to Pennsylvania to build a family with his new wife, Anne T. Caffrey. He spent a decade working in advanced urological medicine at the Cleveland Clinic and the Guthrie Clinic as well as Hahnemann University Hospital.

    In 1957, he moved his young family to West Chester, PA with goal of bringing the best in urological care to a small-town hospital. Chester County Hospital became the hub of his medical practice for the next thirty years, and despite the rural location, he applied cutting-edge care to his thousands of patients, even inventing and innovating surgical approaches that became urological standards. He was a tireless supporter of Chester County Hospital, contributing over $250,000 to CCH charities during his professional career.

    A life-long nature lover, he would spend hours hiking, bird-watching, and studying animals. He visited many national parks, with a particular love of Yellowstone, The Grand Tetons and Virgin Islands National Park. With his wife Anne, he enjoyed collecting art from local artists like Barclay Rubicam, N.C. Wyeth, and wildlife artist Douglas Allen.

    After retiring from medical practice in 1990, he enjoyed spending time with his grandchildren. He never sought the spotlight or congratulations for his medical service to the community and was surprised when, after writing a short article for a medical journal in 1991, he became mildly famous as the author of “Scrotum Self-repair.” His only comment on notoriety was: “you can’t be a urologist unless you have a sense of humor.” When his wife Anne passed away in 2006, he spent the next years mostly in California, seeking sunshine.

    He is survived by his children, William III, Virginia, and Walter, as well as grandchildren Nicole and Mimi.

    The Algorithm Is Watching

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    So the moral of the story is to never staple a bag shut?

    1000's of Chinese restaurants will need to change their ways...
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    It's the middle of the COVID pandemic and a middle-aged man is lying in his hospital bed with an oxygen mask on his face. A young nurse walks past and the man calls out with great effort, "Nurse? Are my test...cl...ls ...ack?"

    The young nurse says, "I'm sorry, sir, what did you say?"

    "Are my test...cl...ls ...ack?"

    "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't think I'm authorized to say."

    "Nurse, please!"

    She gently lifts the sheet and examines the man's testicles. "No, sir, they look fine."

    The man slowly lifts the oxygen mask from his face and smiles. "Thank you. Now, listen very carefully. Are... my... test... results... back?"
    "Where you live in the world should not determine whether you live in the world." - Bono

    "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers

  5. #5
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    Default

    That's the way the ball bounces.

    Kevin


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    Too bad the drive belt failed to do humankind a favor and neuter the moron.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    So the moral of the story is to never staple a bag shut?
    not quite the lesson i took from the story. . .
    Simpler is better, except when complicated looks really cool.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    Jezus. Shame is a powerful thing.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    But where's the ball?

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    If he were a sailor, the doctor would be marveling at the lovely herringbone repair.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Scrotum Self Repair: 30th Anniversary of an early day internet meme.

    Quote Originally Posted by amish rob View Post
    If he were a sailor, the doctor would be marveling at the lovely herringbone repair.
    Nailed it bin one.

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