Family spats

[John Smith]

My daughters and my granddaughter and her mom don't get along very well. That saddens me, but I don't think I can do anything about it.

One thing I've learned over the years, but cannot seem to explain to them, is one seldom puts out a fire by adding fuel to it. The desire of everyone, it seems, to have the 'last word' simply adds fuel. Human nature I guess.

As Chief Steward, employees would see me when they felt they'd been wronged. One thing they had in common was the desire that I immediately take action. Contract gave me 14 days after meeting with the employee, and I always used that time to determine the most productive avenue. The aggrieved employee never liked that, but it helped me have a pretty good record at winning.

I guess angry people are inclined not to think rationally, but it breaks my heart. They all talk to me. They need to talk, not yell, to each other, but they don't seem able to do so.

[LeeG]

I was just thinking about this after your ggdaughter post. Maybe not getting along well is how they get along. I have/had an older brother I went through getting along/not getting along with on a cyclical basis. Each time the break was longer with this break probably being the last, been about 15 yrs. It is what it is.

[CWSmith]

I remember a story about a man in therapy speaking about her mother saying, "I can't believe how she pushes my buttons!"

The therapist said, "Who do you think put them there?"

I have found that the tension between family members is rooted in fundamental pain and grievances. So-and-so is successful and the less successful brother is jealous. Mom resents that her children have grown up and need her less. The sister was a real b1tch growing up. All that sort of thing. It is so easy to say we should put those things away, but they are buried so deeply within us.

I can tell you that without my parents and siblings I'd be nowhere.

[RFNK]

I hope this isn't taken the wrong way but .... I think "family ties" per se are ridiculous. Of course parents have obligations to their children and children to their parents but, beyond that, I think it ought to be like friendship. In a friendship, you tolerate the ups and downs, of course, but if, ultimately, there's no real friendship, then you just split. I see no reason why families should be dragged together for the sake of family. If they're friends, great! But, actual care obligations aside, if they don't get along then why fight that?

We don't have children so there's a lot of things about parenting that I'll never know or understand. I get that. But I've spent most of my life dealing with children and parents, often in very difficult circumstances. I've seen a lot of grief stemming from expectations that simply seem artificial to me, like there's an idealistic picture of a nuclear family bound happily together for ever more. It happens but it often doesn't and the expectation that it should is often very unrealistic and damaging

[Mrleft88]

You're talking about women..... Females.... Right? You, as a man will not be able to solve this issue. Indeed, anything you say will be held against you for the rest of your life. And not held against you in a good way.

[David G]

My perspective --

There will always be conflict. In any human relationship. Sometime so little as to be trivial. Sometimes profound and deep-rooted. And we fall into patterns of behavior that tend to repeat (coping strategies) but are sometimes not useful or even counter-productive.

AND - it doesn't have to stay that way. If the relationship matters enough to both parties to put some energy into learning a new way of relating, there are some strategies - often lumped together under the rubric of Active Listening - that really do help.

Just a thought.

[doorstop]

I have a sister who actually wishes me dead.
My other 2 sisters and I don't know why.
She doesn't speak to her children either although I doubt she wishes them dead...
Luckily, she lives in another state and the chance of me actually coming in contact her while I am still alive is remote.
It is what it is.
I bear her no ill will.

[Nicholas Carey]

I hope this isn't taken the wrong way but .... I think "family ties" per se are ridiculous. Of course parents have obligations to their children and children to their parents but, beyond that, I think it ought to be like friendship. In a friendship, you tolerate the ups and downs, of course, but if, ultimately, there's no real friendship, then you just split. I see no reason why families should be dragged together for the sake of family. If they're friends, great! But, actual care obligations aside, if they don't get along then why fight that?

We don't have children so there's a lot of things about parenting that I'll never know or understand. I get that. But I've spent most of my life dealing with children and parents, often in very difficult circumstances. I've seen a lot of grief stemming from expectations that simply seem artificial to me, like there's an idealistic picture of a nuclear family bound happily together for ever more. It happens but it often doesn't and the expectation that it should is often very unrealistic and damaging

"It takes a village". Or, at least and extended family. One study:

https://www.cnn.com/2022/05/20/health/family-connections-flourish-parenting-study-wellness/index.html

There are other studies showing the importance of sibling bonds. Your parents, aunts, uncles, will all be checking out of your life. Your siblings (and cousins?).... you're stuck with for life.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-science-of-siblings/202305/the-importance-of-siblings

https://jaapl.org/content/51/2/255

https://hsc.unm.edu/news/news/the-importance-of-siblings.html

[Bernadette]

siblings...I don't have anything to do with mine simply because they are not the sort of people I would normally mix with. Mostly I suspect it is because they have different values and interests which are alien to me. I never have had a close bond with either of them and I've survived all my life with that. On the few occasions we have all got together as a family it was mostly to appease my parents (of which I was happy to do).

[John Smith]

Just because people are related doesn't mean they will get along. One of the problems here is my one daughter has a disability, but not one that is visible. Everyone seems to forget that. Only thing I know at this point is all of this is out of my control.

[TomF]

This thread makes me terribly sad. Relationships with family - and increasingly with our kids' families - are very important to us. Not because we agree on everything (we don't). But because we're committed to and invested in each others' happiness, growth, and success. Grateful for each others' care and investment. Proud of each other's commitment and contributions to people within their circle, and the community at large.

My relationship with my brother's been more distant than I'd like, for years - but it's not a broken relationship, just reflective of living far apart and not having the resources to visit regularly. Our relationship with Herself's late sister was strained because she fought addictions all her life, with the predictable lying and life-on-the-edge-of-criminality that entails. And we couldn't invite her to live with us, because we had 3 kids at home at the time to protect from the lifestyle she'd be still living. But we did retain close mutual bonds of love right through 'till her death, with contact multiple times/week - we each wish Vicki'd found it in herself to move to Fredericton, living nearby, where we could have supported her in ways which might have helped her still be alive. Vicki at times hurt us all (and herself) badly, and I suspect she'd say similar things of us - but she was just awesome. We miss her terribly, and her ashes are in our garden.

I'm heartbroken that the kinds of relationships which have been so positive for us - even when the friction has been hard - just aren't present in so many people's lives. And I pray for folks that there's something else in their lives which is either present now or will grow, which provides the same.

t.

[Gerarddm]

My sister once went off on me about grievances she has been harboring about how supposedly our parents favored me when we were in high school. I told her we were done and did not talk to her for almost a year.

I do now ( in fact just saw her this summer ), but the lingering damage will never be repaired. We are just two different people.

[hawkeye54]

Our son married a local woman and they had 3 children ( our only grandkids ), things went 'swimmingly', until they didn't - they divorced - and we had / have no contact over the last 18+ years with the grands - and have never met / spoken to the greatgrand . It was / is all family politics, as the son is portrayed as 'the bad guy' in all of this.


Rick

[David G]

"It takes a village". Or, at least and extended family. One study:

https://www.cnn.com/2022/05/20/health/family-connections-flourish-parenting-study-wellness/index.html

There are other studies showing the importance of sibling bonds. Your parents, aunts, uncles, will all be checking out of your life. Your siblings (and cousins?).... you're stuck with for life.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-science-of-siblings/202305/the-importance-of-siblings

https://jaapl.org/content/51/2/255

https://hsc.unm.edu/news/news/the-importance-of-siblings.html

Yes - there are big advantages to a robust and healthy family life and support structrure.. both obvious and subtle.

As an aside - this is one example of how sometimes the best lies are built around kernels of truth. THIS truth is often used to 'victim blame' POC whose history, poverty, oppression, and ongoing experience of prejudice sometimes makes it hard for them to keep/build those family structures.

[Mrleft88]

My sister told me that mom told her that she was an only child... This was right after mom died, so I couldn't verify anything...