Murphy's Law: If a series of events can go wrong, they will in the worst possible sequence.
The other lane moves faster.
Wet Paint. (This is not an instruction)
You are more likely to meet someone you know when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Peter had 5 sons. All are called Henry, except William, who's name is Paul.
How come the wrong number is never busy?
I wouldn't be paranoid if people didn't pick on me.
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
Cinderella married for the money.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
And the Lord said unto the shepherds: "Go away! This is cattle country!"
Today has been cancelled due to lack of interest.
Get stoned - drink wet cement.
An elephant is a mouse built to council specifications.
One of these days my ship will come in, but with my luck I'll be at the airport.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Don't vote - it only encourages them.
The only real cure for dandruff is the guillotine.
"Smile," they said, "Life could be worse!" So I did, and it was.
Join the army. Meet nice people and then kill them.
Old fishermen never die - they just smell that way.
If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible!
If at first you don't succeed - cheat.
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Where would Superman be without Alexander Graeme Bell?
If nothing can go wrong, something will.
If everything is going well, you've overlooked something.
I was going to be a comedian but was scared people would laugh at me.
Any wire cut to length is sure to be too short.
Space isn't remote at all. It is only an hour's drive if your car could go straight up.
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious; excusable; justifyable; praise-worthy.
You can't have everything - where would you put it?
If there were only 15 people left on earth, 3 of them would be dead. - Virginia Kilborn
What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable we have to change it every 6 months.
Get your facts first, then you may distort them as much as you please.
We learn from history that we never learn anything from history.
I don't fear computers; I fear a lack of them.
I predict that cloning will not become popular. Too many people already find it difficult to live with themselves.
I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member.
Rule of Drama: If there is a gun hanging on the wall in the first act, it must be fired by the last.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you think nobody cares that you are alive, try missing a few loan repayments.
The best way to get rid of temptation is to give in to it.
A classic is something that everybody claims to have read, but nobody has actually read.
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
A jury consists of 12 people who decided who has the better lawyer.
A nation is just a society for hating foreigners.
A rumour without a leg to stand on will find another way to get around.
A single death is a tradgedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
An expert is someone who knows some of the worst mistakes that can be made in his field and how to avoid them.
Inform the troops that communications have completely broken down!
Is there life before death? - Ashleigh Brilliant
It's bad luck to be supersticious.
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It is impossible to make anything fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
It has now been proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Let's have some new cliches!
Maybe this planet is another planet's hell....
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.