Having a very bad day

[John Smith]

This grief thing is strange. I'll seem to be okay for a bit. Then like a sledge hammer it hits me without any warning.

Fortunately I talk to my therapist at noon and this afternoon the grief line is open at 3:30. It seems helpful to be on a call with several others who've lost loved ones.

It's been since July, and I don't know what triggers it, but suddenly, and without any warning, I find myself tearing up it an absolutely miserable state.

I get calls from old friends pretty much daily, and that helps. Seeing my twin great granddaughters, both of whom are now walking, is a two edged think. I love them to death, and I really enjoy them, but I can't help thinking how much my wife would have enjoyed them.

I know there's thread on this, but I'm not up to looking for it. I also know many here have posted positive and helpful thoughts, for which I'm thankful.

Sharing this seems to help.

[Figment]

John I'm happy to see that you're using few resources for support. Even when it doesn't feel like it's helping, it helps.

[John Smith]

John I'm happy to see that you're using few resources for support. Even when it doesn't feel like it's helping, it helps.

Think I figured out what hit me. Tomorrow is daughter's birthday. June always had me get on extension, call daughter and we'd both sing "Happy Birthday". Did that every year. Not this year.

Some of the people who call in to the grievance call are still grieving heavily two years after losing their loved ones.

One day at a time. This forum helps. Even those who disgree or dislike me help.

[TomF]

John, I'm so sorry. Grief is ... well, there aren't really words. There's such a hole.

My mother posted something the other day about how the grief doesn't grow any smaller, but you grow bigger. It's been 15 years now that Dad's been gone.

I know it means little to you, but you're in my prayers.

t.

[Paul Pless]

i lost my mom barely five months ago
she had been in hospice for over a year so her passing was a relief
the grief came later and is still there
good days and bad days
youre in my thoughts john

[Keith Wilson]

So sorry John. I know how I'd feel under those circumstances. Hang in there.

[hawkeye54]

All good advice above, John - we, in our retirement community, have a ' Bereavement Support Group' which meets regularly and (as the group name suggests) brings together those who have experienced losses, and provides support. Is there any such group in your area ?



Rick

[Ed Harrow]

This grief thing is strange. I'll seem to be okay for a bit. Then like a sledge hammer it hits me without any warning.

....
It's been since July, and I don't know what triggers it, but suddenly, and without any warning, I find myself tearing up it an absolutely miserable state.

...

"Grief is the price of love." Sorry, I can't attribute it.

Slowly, so very slowly, these episodes will pass. I'm told it is PTSD, not that that helps. It sucks.

Hugs, Ed

[Steve McMahon]

I have more than once in the recent past leaned on the wise words of a councillor I had the fortune to deal with when I was a firefighter and dealing with critical incident stress disorder. “We can’t erase the tape, we can only help you rewind it and put it on the proper place on the shelf.” My relief is socializing with people who have experienced similar stuff. As a typical “man” I have a challenge talking about some things even though I know I should…don’t want to burden anyone, they won’t understand etc…. Being around others that I know can relate even if we don’t expressly talk about it helps me regain my balance.

[John Smith]

One of the things that triggered that reaction in me for the first year or so, was hearing music we both used to listen to. I stopped listening to "classic rock" eleven years ago, and listen mostly to French and Brazilian female vocalists - music I like but she always despised.

The other odd trigger is when I'm driving and I pass a restaurant we used to go to, especially if the building has been torn down. Something about an empty lot where a place we went to together used to stand. Weird, but fewer and further between.

Keep pluggin' away, John.

I manage to watch the shows we watched together. Usually, it's tough at bedtime. Every once in a while it hits me like a brick to the side of the head, and I usually don't know why. Seems normal, but it's not fun.

[John Smith]

All good advice above, John - we, in our retirement community, have a ' Bereavement Support Group' which meets regularly and (as the group name suggests) brings together those who have experienced losses, and provides support. Is there any such group in your area ?



Rick

I have a community grief line at 3:30 on Wed. Today. Senior center is nearby. Had my first lunch there this week. Have a few more scheduled. Will see a couple of old friends tomorrow at the Edison diner; kind of midway. I do wish we all lived closer, but we talk most every day. That helps. A LOT of my old friends I've outlived.

[John Smith]

Thanks all. Often the bilge is the most helpful of all. I feel bad for anyone who goes though this, and I'm sure there's no easy way to do it.

Just finish online conversation with my therapist; 3;30 I'll call into the community grief call.

[CWSmith]

John, don't keep it to yourself. Professionals aside, and they can be a great help, sit with someone who knows you and cares. Build new ties to other people. Grief, too, is an emotion to be shared. I feel for you.

[bluedog225]

Sorry John. Time helps. It sucks but it’s seems true. Do stuff. Get out and do anything. Regular things are better just because it’s easier than trying to think up something new each time.

[carlg]

I lost my wife in July and experience the highs and lows much like John. Not too long ago I discovered the quote "grief is love with no place to go." That sums it up for me.

[Ian McColgin]

It's been five years since Mary Ellen died at home, arm in arm in both our sleep. We'd had a few months' of hospice after realizing that, after four surgeries and several chemo treatments, her lymphoma was not going away and palliative care was best. We were both at a stage of knowing acceptance.

So my loss is tempered by moments of real beauty some of which are comical. Mary Ellen had an encyclopedic knowledge of TV and movie actors. Just last night I caught a still dark haired Denis Farina in an old "Crime Story" episode. Just recalling how she ran over his career the first time we together saw him on "Law and Order" just brought it all up. Not as a painful memory but as a sort of sharing.

It helps me a lot to write down moments like this, bring them to full consciousness. I hope your therapies, including sharing here, help as much.

[David G]

Hang in there John. The grief never really goes away, but we tend to grow around it and used to it. I doubt that there's anyone here that dislikes you, even if we disagree with some words or attitudes. I'm glad you find it helpful being here.

[Hugh MacD]

They say that grief is love with no place to go, but that's tempered with the joy of the many years you shared. If you would, please share some of the good stories with us? The process might help keep your perspective.

We lost my Mom just before Covid hit. A small blessing as she was going into dementia (97) and wouldn't have ben able to understand why nobody could visit her. Before she got too bad we'd take her out for drives, which she loved. One day took a short ride across the Willamette on the Canby Ferry. She stunned us by starting in singing "the Ferryboat Song" that the ride triggered a memory of for her. She celebrated that for days and it spun different recollections that she shared with us.

[Ted Hoppe]

I am glad you have some nice resources and network as it is.
None of this is easy. One step at a time and remember to breathe. I hope you catch some warm spring sun on your face and feel the warmth. Almost as good as a hug we would want to give you.

[Jim Bow]

I believe it’s good that you clearly recognize your grief as a “thing” and not as an anomaly or something to get over. Things will change, but never go away. Also, realize that if you’re benefiting from those groups, the others are benefiting from you.
Peace

[David G]

What Mr. Bow said.

My friends who are therapists have both told me something along the lines of...

Grief is, of course, not what one would call a 'joyful' experience. But grief properly addressed can add depth, grit, gravitas, wisdom, and even a sort of celebratory joy to your life, from having had that person in your life.

[John Smith]

Thanks again.

[McMike]

I've known the grief of loss, of what never was, and of what still is, but needs to go. I don't have the magic words to help you, but I, like everyone here, is walking with you. Thinking about you bud, take it easy.

[wizbang 13]

Geeze I wish things were better for you John, please take care.

[elf]

What you are experiencing is normal. The best part is that you are willing to expose yourself as you go through it.

We are here. Your counseling connections are there. Some options for community are opening up. Some family traditions need to be sustained, even though they used to be differently practiced. Call your daughter and do the very best you can to sing to her. Both of you will shed tears, but the tradition will be sustained, and a special moment with her will not be lost - a small piece of keeping the thread of family alive when a less feeling person might have let it break.

[Tom Montgomery]

.
What elf said. Keep sharing with us if it helps. We will listen and commiserate. I have lost my mother and father. My father passed at home in December of 1991 of emphysema. It is a horrible way to die. I was single and lived at home that last year to participate in my father's care. I coped with the stress by drinking. I watched as he took his last labored breath. I took his passing very hard. With help I stopped drinking entirely for 18 years. I also sought counseling. It lasted 2 years. There were sessions were all I did was cry for 50 minutes. I feel good about myself today. I miss Dad and occasionally tear up over a memory. But I am OK. Keep doing what you are doing. It has not really been that long. It will get better.

[Breakaway]

John,

Sounds like you are doing what you need to learn how to live with your new reality. Keep strong and keep bringing it here, too.

Kevin

[John Smith]

What you are experiencing is normal. The best part is that you are willing to expose yourself as you go through it.

We are here. Your counseling connections are there. Some options for community are opening up. Some family traditions need to be sustained, even though they used to be differently practiced. Call your daughter and do the very best you can to sing to her. Both of you will shed tears, but the tradition will be sustained, and a special moment with her will not be lost - a small piece of keeping the thread of family alive when a less feeling person might have let it break.

Sharing definitely helps. 3;30 on Wed. hospice runs a conference call for people who are grieving. I was skeptical, but I find it helps.

[John Smith]

John,

Sounds like you are doing what you need to learn how to live with your new reality. Keep strong and keep bringing it here, too.

Kevin

I appreciate all the support. It's a rough sea to navigate, but with help here and a couple of other places, I feel I'm not totally alone. I appreciate all the responses. Outlived most of my friends. Outlived my older brother. Of course, I didn't live with them, except for my brother when we were young boys.

[Ed Harrow]

A worthy book in my opinion, 'A Year of Magical Thinking' by Joan Didion. Even years later I found it reassuring.

[RFNK]

Hi John, really sorry you're going through this and I wish there might be something I could do that might help. All I can suggest is that you treasure the memories and look to all the positive traits in children and grandchildren that you and your partner provided. Thoughtful people hurt the most and you fit that bill. Time helps but it's incremental. Hang in there my friend!

[John Smith]

Again, thanks to all for their thoughts. They help.

I'm not alone. Calling the 'grievance hot line' conference call, many made the same point. They'll be doing okay and suddenly break out in tears.

There's no easy we to do this, but sharing seems to help.