Really bad Joke of the Day

[Tom Wilkinson]

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!


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[amish rob]

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!


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At least you left yourself some margarine for error.

Peace,
Backseat Comic

[David G]

Q. What did the Pacific Ocean say to the beach?

A. Nothing. It just waved...

[Tom Wilkinson]

At least you left yourself some margarine for error.

Peace,
Backseat Comic

I try not to get too churned up about it.

Here is my dad joke for today. (I send a dad joke a day to my daughter, at her request)



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[birlinn]

An old one, and a bit naughty, but here goes...

A chap is driving through a rural area he had not been to before, and notices a smart looking pub with expensive cars outside- a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, two Porsches, etc., and decides to go in for a pint. The only person he sees is the very attractive barmaid.
Puzzled, he asks "whose are all the cars outside?"
"They are all mine", she replies "I won them betting"
"What do you bet on?" he asks.
"Absolutely anything. For instance, I bet you can't do everything my six year old nephew can do. You win, you can choose any one of those cars. You lose, I get your BMW"
Easy peasy he thinks, as she yelled for nephew Jimmy to appear.
With that, she peeled off her sweater, revealing she was very good shape. "now Jimmy. I want you to lick my breasts'
Jimmy does as he is told. "Your turn, Mister', so he too does as he is told.
"Now, Jimmy, I want you to rub me inside my panties". Again Jimmy does as he is told. 'Your turn, Mister", so the chap does likewise.

"Now, jimmy, take out your wee willy winky, and bend it double"....

[oznabrag]

There's a statue of a lion with a man's head and a lion's body among the Pyramids of Giza.

It is missing its nose.

If you're wondering how it smells, it Sphinx!

[David G]

Q. What does a house wear to a nice party?

A. A ddress...

[Tom Wilkinson]

This one is timely.


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[Stiletto]

What did the psychiatrist say when his patient said he was thinking of suicide?..........

'You'll be paying in advance from now on.'

[JayInOz]

A little polar bear sitting on an iceberg next to his mother. "Mum- am I a pure bred polar bear?" You are indeed, my son!" Relied his mother. "No brown bear in me?" No. "Any black bear or spectacled bear or panda bear?" "No dear- you're pure bred, one hundred percent polar bear. Why do you ask?" And the little feller replies "Coz I'm f###in freezin!" JayInOz

[David G]

Surprise lovin' is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you're in prison...

[Tom Wilkinson]

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[amish rob]

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Beep!

Peace,
UPC

[birlinn]

Two cannibals sitting round a fire:
"Your wife makes a lovely stew"
"Yes, but I'll miss her"

[amish rob]

Two nuns on vacation in the states, and someone suggests they get a hot dog for lunch.

Doubtful, and somewhat take aback at the name, the women nonetheless purchase their lunches, and proceed to a nearby bench to eat.

The first nun unwraps her lunch and gasps.
“What’s wrong?”
”Oh, nothing. I do wonder which part of the dog YOU got, though...”

Peace,
Robert

[Hwyl]

A young American lady asks a Scotsman, what is under his kilt....

Try putting your hand up there so you can tell for yourself....

My gosh it's gruesome...

Aye and if ye keep holding it like that; it'll grew some more!!!

[David G]

Q. Why did Curtis take so long deciding to get a haircut?

A. Because he had to mullet over...

[oznabrag]

My three favorite jokes:

So these two Deadheads are sitting around a fire, completely out of weed, and one says to the other, what is this shi* we're listening to?

So these two cannibals are sitting around a fire, barbecuing a clown, and one says to the other, does this taste funny to you?

A patron in a French restaurant asks the waiter, do you have frog's legs? He replied, no, rheumatism makes me walk this way. (the only Boy's Life joke that I remember from grades school)

Two cannibals are strolling down the beach when they meet another one in a big hurry. He stopped to ask the pair if he were late for dinner and they replied 'Yes. Everyone's eaten.'

[jonboy]

Woman walks up to a Scot in a kilt and asks, ' Is anything worn underneath ?'

'Ach nay, ma'am, its all in perfect working order'

[Bobby of Tulsa]

These two gals walkin down the street, Rosie says it is gonna rain. A few blocks later the rain is coming down. posiey says how did you know that? Rosie says instincts and Posiey says, my end stinks to but it did not tell me it was gonna rain.

[JayInOz]

My three favorite jokes:

So these two Deadheads are sitting around a fire, completely out of weed, and one says to the other, what is this shi* we're listening to?
)

A hundred years ago when I was young they were popping pills- a drug they knew as Mandrax- or Mandies. There was a joke about the two guys completely bombed on mandies, shuffling along the footpath. One of them slowly turns around, puts his foot on a snail and crunches it. His friend says Aw man- what you do that for? And he replies Geez man the little fu##er's been followin me all mornin. JayInOz

[Hwyl]

A hundred years ago when I was young they were popping pills- a drug they knew as Mandrax- or Mandies. There was a joke about the two guys completely bombed on mandies, shuffling along the footpath. One of them slowly turns around, puts his foot on a snail and crunches it. His friend says Aw man- what you do that for? And he replies Geez man the little fu##er's been followin me all mornin. JayInOz

Called Qualudes here.

[JayInOz]

That be ludes man

[oznabrag]

What's the difference between an animal doctor and a soldier of the Third Reich?

One's a veterinarian and the other is a veteran Aryan.

[Tom Wilkinson]

How does NASA organize their yearly party?

They just plan-et.......


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[David G]

Q. Why did Glen NOT trust stairs?

A. Because they were always up to something...

[birlinn]

Q. Why did Glen NOT trust stairs?

A. Because they were always up to something...

Or on a downer....

[David G]

Q. How did Bubbles feel when he finally realized that the Earth is not flat, and that it rotates on its axis?

A. It really made his day...

[Tom Wilkinson]

A linguist professor speaking to his class:

In English, a double negative becomes positive but in German; a double negative remains negative.

In fact, there is no language on this planet where a double positive becomes negative.

A student in the back row said:

"Yeah, Right!"


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[David G]

A linguist professor speaking to his class:

In English, a double negative becomes positive but in German; a double negative remains negative.

In fact, there is no language on this planet where a double positive becomes negative.

A student in the back row said:

"Yeah, Right!"


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BZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry Pilgrim... but that submission must be disallowed, as it comes nowhere close to qualifying as a BadJoke. It is, in fact, a Most Excellent joke. And a longtime fave <G>

[Tom Wilkinson]

Ok, a do-over then.



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[David G]

The judges have awarded you extra marks!!

[bobbys]

Q. How did Bubbles feel when he finally realized that the Earth is not flat, and that it rotates on its axis?

A. It really made his day...

Good to read threads once in awhile .

Whatswitdis guy?

[David G]

I walked into the clinic today and said I had a 1:30 appt.

"Which doctor", says the receptionist.

To which, I replied, "NO, I want the REGULAR doctor".

[AndyG]

There was a massive fight in my local supermarket over the few remaining toilet rolls. It was so bad that the police had to be called. Luckily there were no serious injuries: only some soft tissue damage.

Andy