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Thread: Really bad Joke of the Day

  1. #666
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    It was so strong that it blew over the mountain.

  2. #667
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    There you go milking it again. But I'm not intolerant...
    Im a re-teat offender. Hay, what can I say? Im dairy cheesy.

    Sorry. Wrong thread, probably.

  3. #668
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    More of a public service announcement than a bad joke...

    ValScam.jpg
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  4. #669
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Would you like to hear a new joke about my house fixup project?

    I'm still working on it...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  5. #670
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Once upon a time there was a farmer in West Virginia [or Newfoundland, etc.] who had a pig with a wooden leg.

    One day a visitor notice the porcine prosthesis and asked the farmer to tell him about the pig.

    "That's a wonderful pig," said the farmer. "Once we had a fire that destroyed the house. The pig woke me up, woke my wife up, dragged all the children out of the house, and ushered all the dogs and cats to safety. The pig saved everyone's lives.

    "Another time my tractor rolled over and trapped me underneath. The pig lifted up the tractor, and I crawled out from under. He saved my life again."

    "That's great," said the visitor. "But what about the wooden leg?"

    "Well, when you have a great pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."
    "George Washington as a boy
    was ignorant of the commonest
    accomplishments of youth.
    He could not even lie."

    -- Mark Twain

  6. #671
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    With a local partner, I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  7. #672
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A man walks into a bar.
    Ouch!!!
    It was an iron bar.

    Tommy Cooper.

    And a little late to be topical, but:

    Joseph looking into the manger at his son, turns to Mary and says:
    'That's the last time I use Amazon - I ordered Baby Cheeses'.

    Last edited by Woody Allenkey; 02-16-2021 at 12:05 PM.

  8. #673
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.
    Good thymes.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  9. #674
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
    ______________

    Life is short, play with your cougar.

  10. #675
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    ^ So that's what happens, I just thought the dish washer shrank them.

  11. #676
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I don't know if this should go here, or in Political Cartoons. It ain't a cartoon, and it is a really bad joke, so here goes:


    Q: What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and Ted Cruz?

    A: Rush Limbaugh's new home has heat...
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  12. #677
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I'm surprised Welsford hasn't shared this one --

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  13. #678
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    And here's one tailor-made for <redacted>

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  14. #679
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    You know the best way to hunt seals? Grab a spear. Cut a hole in the ice. Sprinkle peas around the edge. When the seal comes up for a pea you poke him in the ice hole

  15. #680
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Q. What do you call a fish with two knees?

    A. A two-knee fish...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  16. #681
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    OK- what sort of fish have their eyes closest together? The littlest ones

  17. #682
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Q. What do you call a mushroom that sits at the bar buying everyone drinks?
    A. A fungi to be with.

  18. #683
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    This might not translate across the Atlantic, but:

    Q. What's the world's most common owl?
    A. The teat...

  19. #684
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Translates across the Pacific anyway

  20. #685
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Once upon a time, a woman in east Tennessee had a pet monkey. The monkey was cute when he was small, but as he grew up he became wild and unmanageable.

    The woman asked her veterinarian for advice.

    "You should take him to the zoo in Knoxville," the vet recommended.

    A few days later, the vet encountered the woman at the grocery store.

    "So, did you take that monkey to the zoo?" the vet asked.

    "Oh my, yes!" the woman replied. "We had such a good time that next Saturday I'm taking him to the movies."
    "George Washington as a boy
    was ignorant of the commonest
    accomplishments of youth.
    He could not even lie."

    -- Mark Twain

  21. #686
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Woody Allenkey View Post
    This might not translate across the Atlantic, but:

    Q. What's the world's most common owl?
    A. The teat...
    Does not translate to 'Murican.
    I was born on a wooden boat that I built myself.

  22. #687
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    ^ Tea towel.

  23. #688
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Rich Jones View Post
    This morning, the priest at my church started his sermon with this one:

    A pastor noticed that his little white church was in need of a coat of paint. He then bought a gallon of white paint and proceeded to start painting. With one side done, he realized that he'd already used half a gallon and wouldn't have enough to finish. Not wanting to go all the way back to the paint store, he found some paint thinner in the basement, which he mixed into the paint thus enabling him to finish the other three sides.
    That night it rained really hard and in the morning he noticed that the one side was perfect, but the other three sides were streaked and washed out looking.
    Frustrated, he raised his face to the heavens and cried out, "Oh Lord! What do I do?"
    A thunderous voice came down from Heaven saying,

    "REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!"
    Castillian Priest?
    Fight Entropy, build a wooden boat!

  24. #689
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    1. Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  25. #690
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A fellow was out walking at the zoo with a girl on the third date. As they walked past the wolf habitat, the girl spied a male wolf mating with a female. “My heavens!” she exclaimed. “Is the female OK with this? How does the male know that the female wants to have sex?”

    “The male can smell that the female is ready to mate from miles away. It is a natural ability of all male mammals,” replied the suitor.

    A bit further along, they passed an enclosure containing buffaloes. Sure enough, a bull buffalo was having his way with one of the cows. ”Is it the same with buffaloes? Asked the girl. ”Can they smell when a female buffalo wants to mate, too?”

    “Yes,” answered the guy. ”Every male mammal can smell a female in heat. It is nature’s way.”

    As they were leaving the zoo, the last exhibit they saw was the aquarium, where they witnessed a pair of bottlenose dolphins procreating. “Are you going to tell me that dolphins can smell a female’s desires, even underwater?" asked the girl.

    “Yes, even underwater,” the guy said. “Even aquatic male mammals can smell if a female wants to have sex. It is only natural.”

    Later, standing on the girl’s doorstep, she says, “I don’t think we can see each other any more. Please don’t call again.”

    Shocked, the guy asks, “But why? I thought that we were getting along so well.”

    ”I believe that you are infected with Covid-19,” she replied. “You seem to have lost your sense of smell.”
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  26. #691
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    If you are under fifty read no further.

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding the range when Tonto says 'Keemo Sabe why do you have a bag of rubbish, and where are we going anyway ?

    'To the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump, ......
    Bilious, choleric, sanguine and phlegmatic

  27. #692
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    (From the explicitly puerile department...)

    Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Lone Ranger, not detecting that Tonto was cleverly disguised as a pool table, racked his balls...
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  28. #693
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Three very pregnant young ladies are discussing the imminent arrival of offspring. The brunette says "I'm going to have a girl because my partner was on top when I fell pregnant". The red head says 'I'm having a boy because I was on top when I fell pregnant". A look of horror creeps across the face of the blonde. With teary voice She says- "I'm- I'm having a puppy?"

  29. #694
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Good 'un, Jay.
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  30. #695
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Stolen from FB
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
    The weakness of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web.

  31. #696
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    1. I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  32. #697
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Cobbled that together, eh?

  33. #698
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by amish rob View Post
    Cobbled that together, eh?
    Tacky... I know.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  34. #699
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by amish rob View Post
    Cobbled that together, eh?
    Sure left a welt.
    Rattling the teacups.

  35. #700
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    This cant last. Eventually well slip on some loafer.

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