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Thread: Really bad Joke of the Day

  1. #561
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by mmd View Post
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    I don't normally like puns, but that one is brilliant!

  2. #562
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    ^ I wish I could take credit for it, but I just copied the list from an email a friend sent to me.
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  3. #563
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    For Joe --

    If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  4. #564
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A friend of mine doesn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  5. #565
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  6. #566
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Where do bad grapes go, when they die?

    Raisin Hell!
    Rattling the teacups.

  7. #567
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Yep.
    Those randy raisins had far too many current affairs.

  8. #568
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

    <Because they were watch dogs.>
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  9. #569
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.



    At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.



    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.



    The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.



    But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.



    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
    "George Washington as a boy
    was ignorant of the commonest
    accomplishments of youth.
    He could not even lie."

    -- Mark Twain

  10. #570
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by UCanoe_2 View Post
    But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
    Excellent!

  11. #571
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by UCanoe_2 View Post
    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.



    At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.



    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.



    The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.



    But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.



    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
    That is way too funny to be in the Really Bad Joke of the Day thread!
    I was born on a wooden boat that I built myself.

  12. #572
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A man (perhaps a member of this forum) was driving his car when the turn signals failed. He dutifully cranked down the window and used hand signals (remember them?).

    The car was running low on fuel, so he pulled into a gas station to fill up. In the process of pumping self-service gasoline, he spilled fuel on his shirt sleeve.

    The man drove away from the gas station and signaled for his turn. He also made the mistake of lighting a cigarette at the same time. He drove down the road with his flaming shirt sleeve extending out the window.

    A cop saw the moving conflagration, pulled the man over, and wrote a ticket.

    Q: What was the charge?

    A: (Are you ready?)........................................... ................... Illegal Use of a Fire Arm.
    "George Washington as a boy
    was ignorant of the commonest
    accomplishments of youth.
    He could not even lie."

    -- Mark Twain

  13. #573
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    That one qualifies...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  14. #574
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Pless
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  15. #575
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Say what you want about Capt. Hook...

    But he ran that whole pirating operation single-handedly.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  16. #576
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  17. #577
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  18. #578
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by UCanoe_2 View Post
    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.



    At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.



    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.



    The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.



    But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.



    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
    This is wonderful.
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

  19. #579
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by mmd View Post
    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    I cry fowl!

  20. #580
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    Say what you want about Capt. Hook...

    But he ran that whole pirating operation single-handedly.
    Oh, hey, wait. Did you just call me Hook? Because of the hand? Wow. Just... wow. Hey, my folks are dead, too. Why not call me Captain Dead Folks?

    Stolen from the interwebs, but made Quad and I laugh.

  21. #581
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by amish rob View Post
    Oh, hey, wait. Did you just call me Hook? Because of the hand? Wow. Just... wow. Hey, my folks are dead, too. Why not call me Captain Dead Folks?

    Stolen from the interwebs, but made Quad and I laugh.
    That was most certainly NOT directed at you.

    For you... I'm saving up the 'skinny' jokes <G>
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  22. #582
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I went to see an eye doctor in Fairbanks, Alaska, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  23. #583
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    OK... here's a non-skinny joke for rob --

    What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  24. #584
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Him: I really don't know why you wear a bra; you have nothing to put in it.

    Her: You wear pants, don't you?
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  25. #585
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    That was most certainly NOT directed at you.

    For you... I'm saving up the 'skinny' jokes <G>
    Of course not, Iím not Captain Hook. The joke was about Captain Hook.

  26. #586
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by mmd View Post
    Him: I really don't know why you wear a bra; you have nothing to put in it.

    Her: You wear pants, don't you?
    I don't know if that is so much a joke as it is a shot. It's like a 2-person circular firing squad.

  27. #587
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Rattling the teacups.

  28. #588
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  29. #589
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by mmd View Post
    I went to see an eye doctor in Fairbanks, Alaska, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
    I keep seeing little brown spots in front of my eyes!
    Have you seen an optometrist?
    No- just little brown spots.....

  30. #590
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    For retirement income, a husbad and wife are flea market dealers. They usually carry stacks of $1 bills for change. Not long ago, they had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with singles. As the waitress collected the ones, she sized up the 70-year-old wife and said...



    "You had a good night dancing last night, huh?"



    Kevin
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  31. #591
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    When I was a young Cub Scout we learned not to trust the Tates (brand name) compass because . . .

    . . . He who has a Tates is lost.

  32. #592
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  33. #593
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Rubber-band guns aren't allowed in class because they are weapons of math disruption.
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  34. #594
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

    It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  35. #595
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

    It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
    Lettuce pray the jokes get better....

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