Page 28 of 29 FirstFirst ... 18272829 LastLast
Results 946 to 980 of 1008

Thread: Really bad Joke of the Day

  1. #946
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Thought I'd posted this already --

    New Portland sports bar. Shows women's sports only/mostly. Female staff. I think the concept could fly here... and maybe elsewhere. They call it the 'Sports Bra'.

    Rumor is, they're adding a sign out front: 'We don't serve men here. If you're sure you want one, you'll have to bring your own'.
    Last edited by David G; 05-13-2022 at 12:36 PM.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  2. #947
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    It was free Guiness night at a small pub in Doolin in County Clare, a quaint drinking village with a fishing problem. So in walks Paddy O'Grady and sees four drunken sots in a line puking into barf buckets. And there was a fifth drunken sot hunched over his bucket, but heaving explosively onto the floor eight feet beyond.

    So Paddy asks the proprietor, "What's with that lad spraying all over the floor?" Seamus, the man behind the bar, responds: "Oh. that's just young Aidan, his drinking is always beyond the pail."

  3. #948
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Isle of Mull, Scotland
    Posts
    9,697

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Technically, they were all beyond The Pale, which was an area of English rule around Dublin from the 13th to the 16th centuries.
    Which is where the expression comes from.

    pale.jpg

  4. #949
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    And it weren't pale ale those lads were tossing back.

  5. #950
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Fred Z View Post
    John: Do you know why the elders decided to expel that one Amish girl from the community?

    Jake: No, why?

    John: Too Mennonite.











    Took me a few seconds...
    Annabaptist besides...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  6. #951
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  7. #952
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Little known fact that e e cummings was always opposed to capitalism. ©

  8. #953
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Three really crusty old reindeer herders from the northern steppes of Finland stumble into an upscale bar in Helsinki. They take one look around and notice that all the booths, and all the tables, and all the barstools are taken by rabbits with sunglasses and white canes. They walk up to the bar to order drinks, but the bartender politely informs them that the bar is a blind rabbit joint, not a Lapp joint. ©

  9. #954
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Isle of Mull, Scotland
    Posts
    9,697

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Blind rabbits? Meaningless over here.
    Hang on- woodworking, rabbit/rebate.
    Took a while!

  10. #955
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Erwin Schrödinger and Werner Heisenberg walk into a smokey bodega in Copenhagen, hoping far a glass or two of Tuborg. As they approach the bar they immediately notice the barmaid is a cat, an actual cat, lively and attentive though appearing lifeless, moving quickly while appearing to stand still. Uncertainty engulfs them. ©
    Last edited by TerryLL; 05-17-2022 at 12:05 PM.

  11. #956
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Tough crowd here. I thought this was my best one to date.

    I write these jokes to entertain myself, so no problem.

  12. #957
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by TerryLL View Post
    Tough crowd here. I thought this was my best one to date.

    I write these jokes to entertain myself, so no problem.
    Keep working! <G>

    In a similar vein --


    1. A very nervous first-time crew member says to the skipper, “Do boats like this sink very often?”
      • “Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s only the once.”
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  13. #958
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Fred Z View Post
    I liked the blind rabbit joint joke, but, I didn't get the cat barmaid joke.

    John: I know just 25 letters of the alphabet.
    Jake: Just 25?
    John: Just 25 - I don't know Y.

    Yeah, the cat barmaid might have been a bit of a stretch. It involves quantum physics and theoretical mathematics that result in a computational paradox. Schrödinger's cat seems to be alive and dead at the same time, and Heisenberg's calculations lead to the conclusion that the cat is moving and standing still at the same time.

    Gotta wonder about some of those brainiacs and what they might be smoking.

  14. #959
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Tommaso and Gabriella, still in their wedding finery, tux and tails for Tommaso, and a lovely flowing gown with veil and train adorns Gabriella.
    They are in the full flower of love, having just been married at a small private chapel outside the west wall of the Vatican city.

    On their way to a discreet honeymoon, they decide to step into a pub as they walk along Via Angelo Emo toward their apartment. To their amazement the pub is completely packed with bishops, in full liturgical garments and sporting their characteristic headgear.

    When they approach the bar to order champagne to celebrate their union, the barista politely informs them that the pub is a miter joint and not a bridal joint. ©

  15. #960
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by TerryLL View Post
    Tommaso and Gabriella, still in their wedding finery, tux and tails for Tommaso, and a lovely flowing gown with veil and train adorns Gabriella.
    They are in the full flower of love, having just been married at a small private chapel outside the west wall of the Vatican city.

    On their way to a discreet honeymoon, they decide to step into a pub as they walk along Via Angelo Emo toward their apartment. To their amazement the pub is completely packed with bishops, in full liturgical garments and sporting their characteristic headgear.

    When they approach the bar to order champagne to celebrate their union, the barista politely informs them that the pub is a miter joint and not a bridal joint. ©
    And the crowd goes WILD!!!!!

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  16. #961
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    So Jimmy walks into the Orange Box garden center and says to the sales associate in the lawn tools section, "I need to buy a rake."

    The sales associate asks condescendingly, "Sir, do you need a leaf rake, a grub rake, a bow rake or a transom rake?"

    "What's a transom rake?", Jimmy asks.

    "Well, a transom rake is a heartless cad who sweeps up his new bride, carries her over the threshold, and has his way with her. We have those on aisle three."

  17. #962
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by TerryLL View Post
    So Jimmy walks into the Orange Box garden center and says to the sales associate in the lawn tools section, "I need to buy a rake."

    The sales associate asks condescendingly, "Sir, do you need a leaf rake, a grub rake, a bow rake or a transom rake?"

    "What's a transom rake?", Jimmy asks.

    "Well, a transom rake is a heartless cad who sweeps up his new bride, carries her over the threshold, and has his way with her. We have those on aisle three."
    There's 'bad'... and then there's 'bad' --

    <crowd heads for exits>

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  18. #963
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    There's 'bad'... and then there's 'bad' --
    I truly appreciate your opinion.

    But as Samual Gerard said to Richard Kimble just before Kimble did a Peter Pan off the dam spillway, "I don't care!"


    Edited to add: "I don't care!" needs to be upper case.

  19. #964
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by TerryLL View Post
    I truly appreciate your opinion.

    But as Samual Gerard said to Richard Kimble just before Kimble did a Peter Pan off the dam spillway, "I don't care!"

    Edited to add: "I don't care!" needs to be upper case.
    Yeah well... yeah well... yeah well...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  20. #965
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    Yeah well... yeah well... yeah well...
    Astute as always, but then, that's why you grace us with your presence, to correct us when we transgress. It must be a terrible burden to be the judge of all, and I have to say, you do it with vigor and aplomb.

  21. #966
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by TerryLL View Post
    Astute as always, but then, that's why you grace us with your presence, to correct us when we transgress. It must be a terrible burden to be the judge of all, and I have to say, you do it with vigor and aplomb.
    But of course. I LOVE plombs!!
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  22. #967
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Isle of Mull, Scotland
    Posts
    9,697

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    One of my own, sorry.

    My pal Ken likes taking photos of ladies in the nude.
    Photographing blokes, he keeps his clothes on.

  23. #968
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by birlinn View Post
    One of my own, sorry.

    My pal Ken likes taking photos of ladies in the nude.
    Photographing blokes, he keeps his clothes on.
    Your "friend" will likely end up in the hooscow.

  24. #969
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by birlinn View Post
    One of my own, sorry.

    My pal Ken likes taking photos of ladies in the nude.
    Photographing blokes, he keeps his clothes on.
    <snort>
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  25. #970
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Uki, NSW, Australia
    Posts
    35,027

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Paddy says to Murphy.
    "Have you seen the news? 3 cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!"
    "Unbelievable," said Murphy, "I can't believe they all had the same name!"


    My wife loves me so much I woke up in the night and she was putting a pillow over my face to protect me from the virus.


    I spent all my savings on a sex change....Now I haven't a sausage..
    I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned


  26. #971
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    81,088

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
    The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
    He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
    The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
    The group fell silent for a moment.
    The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  27. #972
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Gulgong. Central west N.S.W. Australia
    Posts
    5,881

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A feller knocks on the door of an old farmhouse late at night. When the farmer opens the door he tells him that he is a travelling salesman and his car has broken down. The farmer says I don't have a torch but you can stay the night and we'll get you going in the morning. He then adds- we don't have a spare bedroom. You'll have to share a bed with my eighteen year old son. The salesman says Bugger- I'm in the wrong joke JayInOz

  28. #973
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    38,489

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    That's good!
    "Where you live in the world should not determine whether you live in the world." - Bono

    "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers

    "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." - Groucho Marx

  29. #974
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Uki, NSW, Australia
    Posts
    35,027

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for the bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the neighbor's fence and bred with all his cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him.....but, they taste like peppermint.
    I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned


  30. #975
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Still Above the Grass
    Posts
    7,912

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A group of bishops met in Boston just recently to discuss Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House. They agreed Ms Pelosi should be denied the sacrament of Holy Communion because of her pro-choice position on abortion. The good bishops then retired to the Rectory to liberally partake of the communion wine and compare the relative size of their bishopricks. ©

  31. #976
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    38,489

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by WX View Post
    .....but, they taste like peppermint.
    I like that!
    "Where you live in the world should not determine whether you live in the world." - Bono

    "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers

    "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." - Groucho Marx

  32. #977
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Hills of Vermont, USA
    Posts
    44,504

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by CWSmith View Post
    I like that!
    You thought they tasted like peppermint too?

    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  33. #978
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    38,489

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    You thought they tasted like peppermint too?

    I'm 66. If it works and tastes good...
    "Where you live in the world should not determine whether you live in the world." - Bono

    "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers

    "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." - Groucho Marx

  34. #979
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Uki, NSW, Australia
    Posts
    35,027

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    So after landing my new job as a K-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
    About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to K-Mart, nice children you have there, are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they aint twins. The oldest is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind or stupid, ma-am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at K-Mart."
    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
    I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned


  35. #980
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    38,489

    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    WX, keep them coming! You are really firing on all cylinders!
    "Where you live in the world should not determine whether you live in the world." - Bono

    "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers

    "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." - Groucho Marx

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •