Really bad Joke of the Day

[David G]

Thought I'd posted this already --

New Portland sports bar. Shows women's sports only/mostly. Female staff. I think the concept could fly here... and maybe elsewhere. They call it the 'Sports Bra'.

Rumor is, they're adding a sign out front: 'We don't serve men here. If you're sure you want one, you'll have to bring your own'.

[TerryLL]

It was free Guiness night at a small pub in Doolin in County Clare, a quaint drinking village with a fishing problem. So in walks Paddy O'Grady and sees four drunken sots in a line puking into barf buckets. And there was a fifth drunken sot hunched over his bucket, but heaving explosively onto the floor eight feet beyond.

So Paddy asks the proprietor, "What's with that lad spraying all over the floor?" Seamus, the man behind the bar, responds: "Oh. that's just young Aidan, his drinking is always beyond the pail."

[birlinn]

Technically, they were all beyond The Pale, which was an area of English rule around Dublin from the 13th to the 16th centuries.
Which is where the expression comes from.

pale.jpg

[TerryLL]

And it weren't pale ale those lads were tossing back.

[David G]

John: Do you know why the elders decided to expel that one Amish girl from the community?

Jake: No, why?

John: Too Mennonite.











Took me a few seconds...

Annabaptist besides...

[David G]

[TerryLL]

Little known fact that e e cummings was always opposed to capitalism. ©

[TerryLL]

Three really crusty old reindeer herders from the northern steppes of Finland stumble into an upscale bar in Helsinki. They take one look around and notice that all the booths, and all the tables, and all the barstools are taken by rabbits with sunglasses and white canes. They walk up to the bar to order drinks, but the bartender politely informs them that the bar is a blind rabbit joint, not a Lapp joint. ©

[birlinn]

Blind rabbits? Meaningless over here.
Hang on- woodworking, rabbit/rebate.
Took a while!

[TerryLL]

Erwin Schrödinger and Werner Heisenberg walk into a smokey bodega in Copenhagen, hoping far a glass or two of Tuborg. As they approach the bar they immediately notice the barmaid is a cat, an actual cat, lively and attentive though appearing lifeless, moving quickly while appearing to stand still. Uncertainty engulfs them. ©

[TerryLL]

Tough crowd here. I thought this was my best one to date.

I write these jokes to entertain myself, so no problem.

[David G]

Tough crowd here. I thought this was my best one to date.

I write these jokes to entertain myself, so no problem.

Keep working! <G>

In a similar vein --

1. A very nervous first-time crew member says to the skipper, “Do boats like this sink very often?”
   
   • “Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s only the once.”

[TerryLL]

I liked the blind rabbit joint joke, but, I didn't get the cat barmaid joke.

John: I know just 25 letters of the alphabet.
Jake: Just 25?
John: Just 25 - I don't know Y.

Yeah, the cat barmaid might have been a bit of a stretch. It involves quantum physics and theoretical mathematics that result in a computational paradox. Schrödinger's cat seems to be alive and dead at the same time, and Heisenberg's calculations lead to the conclusion that the cat is moving and standing still at the same time.

Gotta wonder about some of those brainiacs and what they might be smoking.

[TerryLL]

Tommaso and Gabriella, still in their wedding finery, tux and tails for Tommaso, and a lovely flowing gown with veil and train adorns Gabriella.
They are in the full flower of love, having just been married at a small private chapel outside the west wall of the Vatican city.

On their way to a discreet honeymoon, they decide to step into a pub as they walk along Via Angelo Emo toward their apartment. To their amazement the pub is completely packed with bishops, in full liturgical garments and sporting their characteristic headgear.

When they approach the bar to order champagne to celebrate their union, the barista politely informs them that the pub is a miter joint and not a bridal joint. ©

[David G]

Tommaso and Gabriella, still in their wedding finery, tux and tails for Tommaso, and a lovely flowing gown with veil and train adorns Gabriella.
They are in the full flower of love, having just been married at a small private chapel outside the west wall of the Vatican city.

On their way to a discreet honeymoon, they decide to step into a pub as they walk along Via Angelo Emo toward their apartment. To their amazement the pub is completely packed with bishops, in full liturgical garments and sporting their characteristic headgear.

When they approach the bar to order champagne to celebrate their union, the barista politely informs them that the pub is a miter joint and not a bridal joint. ©

And the crowd goes WILD!!!!!

[TerryLL]

So Jimmy walks into the Orange Box garden center and says to the sales associate in the lawn tools section, "I need to buy a rake."

The sales associate asks condescendingly, "Sir, do you need a leaf rake, a grub rake, a bow rake or a transom rake?"

"What's a transom rake?", Jimmy asks.

"Well, a transom rake is a heartless cad who sweeps up his new bride, carries her over the threshold, and has his way with her. We have those on aisle three."

[David G]

So Jimmy walks into the Orange Box garden center and says to the sales associate in the lawn tools section, "I need to buy a rake."

The sales associate asks condescendingly, "Sir, do you need a leaf rake, a grub rake, a bow rake or a transom rake?"

"What's a transom rake?", Jimmy asks.

"Well, a transom rake is a heartless cad who sweeps up his new bride, carries her over the threshold, and has his way with her. We have those on aisle three."

There's 'bad'... and then there's 'bad' --

<crowd heads for exits>

[TerryLL]

There's 'bad'... and then there's 'bad' --

I truly appreciate your opinion.

But as Samual Gerard said to Richard Kimble just before Kimble did a Peter Pan off the dam spillway, "I don't care!"


Edited to add: "I don't care!" needs to be upper case.

[David G]

I truly appreciate your opinion.

But as Samual Gerard said to Richard Kimble just before Kimble did a Peter Pan off the dam spillway, "I don't care!"

Edited to add: "I don't care!" needs to be upper case.

Yeah well... yeah well... yeah well...

[TerryLL]

Yeah well... yeah well... yeah well...

Astute as always, but then, that's why you grace us with your presence, to correct us when we transgress. It must be a terrible burden to be the judge of all, and I have to say, you do it with vigor and aplomb.

[David G]

Astute as always, but then, that's why you grace us with your presence, to correct us when we transgress. It must be a terrible burden to be the judge of all, and I have to say, you do it with vigor and aplomb.

But of course. I LOVE plombs!!

[birlinn]

One of my own, sorry.

My pal Ken likes taking photos of ladies in the nude.
Photographing blokes, he keeps his clothes on.

[TerryLL]

One of my own, sorry.

My pal Ken likes taking photos of ladies in the nude.
Photographing blokes, he keeps his clothes on.

Your "friend" will likely end up in the hooscow.

[David G]

One of my own, sorry.

My pal Ken likes taking photos of ladies in the nude.
Photographing blokes, he keeps his clothes on.

<snort>

[WX]

Paddy says to Murphy.
"Have you seen the news? 3 cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!"
"Unbelievable," said Murphy, "I can't believe they all had the same name!"


My wife loves me so much I woke up in the night and she was putting a pillow over my face to protect me from the virus.


I spent all my savings on a sex change....Now I haven't a sausage..

[David G]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[JayInOz]

A feller knocks on the door of an old farmhouse late at night. When the farmer opens the door he tells him that he is a travelling salesman and his car has broken down. The farmer says I don't have a torch but you can stay the night and we'll get you going in the morning. He then adds- we don't have a spare bedroom. You'll have to share a bed with my eighteen year old son. The salesman says Bugger- I'm in the wrong joke JayInOz

[CWSmith]

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

That's good!

[WX]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for the bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the neighbor's fence and bred with all his cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him.....but, they taste like peppermint.

[TerryLL]

A group of bishops met in Boston just recently to discuss Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House. They agreed Ms Pelosi should be denied the sacrament of Holy Communion because of her pro-choice position on abortion. The good bishops then retired to the Rectory to liberally partake of the communion wine and compare the relative size of their bishopricks. ©

[CWSmith]

.....but, they taste like peppermint.

I like that!

[Garret]

I like that!

You thought they tasted like peppermint too?

[CWSmith]

You thought they tasted like peppermint too?

I'm 66. If it works and tastes good...

[WX]

So after landing my new job as a K-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to K-Mart, nice children you have there, are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they aint twins. The oldest is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind or stupid, ma-am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at K-Mart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[CWSmith]

WX, keep them coming! You are really firing on all cylinders!