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Thread: Really bad Joke of the Day

  1. #1051
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A Kiwi, an Australian and a Brit walk into a bar.....Good Times!
    There is nothing quite as permanent as a good temporary repair.

  2. #1052
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    There is nothing quite as permanent as a good temporary repair.

  3. #1053
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A pirate walks into a bar.

    Bartender " You got a paper towel on yer head, what's up with that?"

    Pirate " ARG!! I got a Bounty on me head


    Same pirate gets himself arrested for stealing corn from a farmer’s field.

    The county judge finds him guilty and sentences him to pay restitution…a buck an ear.

    -Guinness

  4. #1054
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Kid wearing a floppy hat and an eye patch. His dad asks him what he's supposed to be. Kid replies that he's a pirate. Dad asks Where are your buccaneers? Kid answers- Under me buccan 'at JayInOz
    Last edited by JayInOz; 07-28-2022 at 02:27 AM.

  5. #1055
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    The other day I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

    It was the least I could do for him...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  6. #1056
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Today's One Liner Chuckles.


    I was born to be wild but only until 9pm or so.


    Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x.
    She's never coming back and don't ask y.


    You know you're getting old when it feels like the morning after. But there was no night before.
    I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned


  7. #1057
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    First I apologise to any woke Forumites. (An oxymoron ?]
    This tale came to me in 1953 when my school was next door to what then was called the Loony bin.
    A man driving a car down a country lane with a tall wall beside it.
    He passes a sign that reads 'Lunatic Asylum"
    Next minute there is a loud report.
    He has driven over a nail & now has a flat tyre,
    Into the boot & out come a jack & the spare.
    He jacks up the car takes off 4 nuts & lays the tyre on the road.
    Then he takes the spare, puts it on the axle & kicks the 4 nuts into long grass.
    He searches to no avail, then sits down weeping.
    A voice above him says "don't worry"
    He looks up to see a loony sitting on top of the wall.
    "Just take 1 nut off each of the other 3 wheels & put 3 nuts on your spare."
    "That's brilliant" he exclaims " but how come your an inmate?"
    The loony grins, "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!"
    Have nothing you don't know to be usefull or think to be beautifull. William Morris

  8. #1058
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by CliveP View Post
    First I apologise to any woke Forumites. (An oxymoron ?]
    This tale came to me in 1953 when my school was next door to what then was called the Loony bin.
    A man driving a car down a country lane with a tall wall beside it.
    He passes a sign that reads 'Lunatic Asylum"
    Next minute there is a loud report.
    He has driven over a nail & now has a flat tyre,
    Into the boot & out come a jack & the spare.
    He jacks up the car takes off 4 nuts & lays the tyre on the road.
    Then he takes the spare, puts it on the axle & kicks the 4 nuts into long grass.
    He searches to no avail, then sits down weeping.
    A voice above him says "don't worry"
    He looks up to see a loony sitting on top of the wall.
    "Just take 1 nut off each of the other 3 wheels & put 3 nuts on your spare."
    "That's brilliant" he exclaims " but how come your an inmate?"
    The loony grins, "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!"
    Lordy lordly, I heard that one 50 years ago.
    I was born on a wooden boat that I built myself.
    Skiing is the next best thing to having wings.

  9. #1059
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Rich Jones View Post
    Lordy lordly, I heard that one 50 years ago.
    & Clive heard it 69 years ago...
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  10. #1060
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A Brit, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Filipino, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club. The bouncer said, ' Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai'.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  11. #1061
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Today's One Liner Chuckles.


    It's weird to think people who are 5ft are only 5 Subway Rolls Long.


    My doctor said, "I have good news and bad news."
    I said, "So, what's the good news?"
    He said, "You're not a hypochondriac!"


    How to become more attractive. Swallow magnets.
    I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned


  12. #1062
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Two priests are driving down the road when they come to a state police road block. When they pull up, an officer leans down and says, " we're looking for two child molestors". The driver looks at the other priest, then says to the cop, " We'll do it".
    Gerard>
    Albuquerque, NM

    Every Republican is an obstacle to progress.

  13. #1063
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I heard Satan lost all his hair. He's NOT happy.

    Now... there is Hell Toupee.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  14. #1064
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Just shooting the breeze and enjoying the cool, twilight, breeze when my son's wife asks me...

    "What's the dumbest thing you've done in your life?"

    I told her she was pretty bold to assume that I'd peaked...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  15. #1065
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Can you create a secure password with only eight characters?

    Try

    SnowWhite&the7dwarfs

    Nick

  16. #1066
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A 70 yr. old billionaire walks into a bar with his new 25 yr. old wife. Friend says" I know you're wealthy but still, how'd you talk her into marrying you. Billionaire replies that he lied about his age by 20 yrs. Friend says "You told her you were 50?" Reply was, no I told her I was 90.

  17. #1067
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by NickW View Post
    Can you create a secure password with only eight characters?

    Try

    SnowWhite&the7dwarfs

    Nick
    Quote Originally Posted by Frost View Post
    A 70 yr. old billionaire walks into a bar with his new 25 yr. old wife. Friend says" I know you're wealthy but still, how'd you talk her into marrying you. Billionaire replies that he lied about his age by 20 yrs. Friend says "You told her you were 50?" Reply was, no I told her I was 90.
    Neither of these are bad jokes - just had to say it.
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  18. #1068
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    Neither of these are bad jokes - just had to say it.
    They are "bad" enough to me
    Don't worry I'm happy

    "The law is what we have to live with.
    Justice is sometimes harder to achieve."

    Sherlock Holmes

  19. #1069
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    ^ That isn't anywhere near bad!
    "Where you live in the world should not determine whether you live in the world." - Bono

    "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers

    "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." - Groucho Marx

  20. #1070
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Heard rumor of a new restaurant opening in the neighborhood. Call 'Manhattan Project'. Guess it'll be a Fusion joint...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  21. #1071
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Fred Z View Post
    Oh so close, David. But it would have to be more of a fission chips joint.
    Well done sir!
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  22. #1072
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Fred Z View Post
    Oh so close, David. But it would have to be more of a fission chips joint.
    We, who are about to die laughing, salute you.

  23. #1073
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    As y'all probably know, I like to read history. Just today, I discovered an interesting bit of trivia: Capt. Hook bought his hook at a Second Hand Store...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  24. #1074
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    He had every right, eh?
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

  25. #1075
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Did that idea come from a QAnon believer? I understand they have similar ideas about DJT.

  26. #1076
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    There is a similar idea about the Wicked Witch. It's a Broadway musical. Turns out Dorothy was a brat.
    "Where you live in the world should not determine whether you live in the world." - Bono

    "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers

    "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." - Groucho Marx

  27. #1077
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal. “Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.”

    Nobody dared to move, but suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles. With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone. The owner announced “We have a brave winner.”

    After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, and upon arrival, the manager told him “he was very brave to jump” the man replied, “I didn't jump, someone pushed me!”

    His wife smiled...

    Moral of the story — Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  28. #1078
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Our 4 year old grandson made the mistake of rubbing his eyes last night during dinner. And got catsup in his eyes. It stung. He howled. Dad got him cleaned up and settled down. 4 said, "I'll never do THAT again!". His mom said, "Now that's some smart Heinzsight!".
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  29. #1079
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    Our 4 year old grandson made the mistake of rubbing his eyes last night during dinner. And got catsup in his eyes. It stung. He howled. Dad got him cleaned up and settled down. 4 said, "I'll never do THAT again!". His mom said, "Now that's some smart Heinzsight!".
    OK - that qualifies as a really bad joke - on any day.

    You know how I like to hand out condiments...
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  30. #1080
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Fred Z View Post
    You mustard known that would ketchup with you someday.
    Probably in about 57 days?
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  31. #1081
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    OK - that qualifies as a really bad joke - on any day.

    You know how I like to hand out condiments...
    Thanks! Don't forget to tip your waitress and the bartender!

    Quote Originally Posted by Fred Z View Post
    You mustard known that would ketchup with you someday.
    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    Probably in about 57 days?
    Made me snort my milkshake. Now I'm in a pickle.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  32. #1082
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    When my wife complained about me impersonating a flamingo I finally had to put my foot down.
    There is nothing quite as permanent as a good temporary repair.

  33. #1083
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    This one is humerus --

    If you boil a funny-bone... it becomes a laughing-stock...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  34. #1084
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I've a confession to make.

    I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk.

    But I never got the chants...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  35. #1085
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
    "Yes, Father, it is."
    "And who was the girl you were with?"
    "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
    "I cannot say."
    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Nina Capelli?"
    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
    "Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
    "Four months vacation and five good leads...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

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