Really bad Joke of the Day

[isla]

Q: What's that thing on Trump's head?
A: A $70,000 tax deduction.

[David G]

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes???? Wtf??? My dogs don't even own bikes tf

[CWSmith]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eye and said:

"I'd like to by some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I want to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed. "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanine to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said:

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[CWSmith]

I hope this one hasn't already been told. I tend to forget where I hear them and this thread is getting delightfully long.

------------

In a dark and hazy room, peering into the crystal ball, the Mystic delivered the grave news to Laura.

"There is no easy way to tell you this so I'll just have to be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a horrible and violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the women's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Mystic's gaze, steadied herself and then asked in a quivering voice, "Will I be acquitted?"

[David G]

Random question from a buddy last summer: 'Do you sleep with a fan?'

ME: Well, my wife really likes me - but 'fan' might be pushing it...

[David G]

Married Life: My sweetie says I have so many different sighs that they should come with subtitles...

[David G]

More Married Life: My sweetie complains that I always want her to do things my way --

Fold the towels in thirds.

Wash the whites separately.

Don't hit the mailbox when backing out of the driveway.

[David G]

How's YOUR Married Life? -- My sweetie says we have too much stuff.

So tomorrow we'll be starting in the basement and getting rid of a bunch of my stuff....

[David G]

[David G]

Congratulate me on a successful (big) project. I taught a wolf to meditate in time for Halloween!!

Now... he's aware wolf...

[Breakaway]

Not monstrously funny, David. Mediogre, actually.

Kevin


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[David G]

[JayInOz]

Hahaha! They're actually getting worse! Whoda thunk it?

[David G]

Hahaha! They're actually getting worse! Whoda thunk it?

Izzat a challenge? <G>

[amish rob]

I bought some shoes from my drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

[birlinn]

Man, you got sole!

[David G]

Meanwhile in Canada ---

[Garret]

Meanwhile in Canada ---

I realize that was a joke, it ain't just Canada. Happens dozens of time every year here. $250/day fine for every day the vehicle is in the water + you are responsible for cleanup costs. A friend has a wrecker service near the lake & he has a rule that 1) it's $100 up front as a "stupid fee" in addition to normal charges & 2) you get to attach the cable to the vehicle yourself. When the vehicle is far enough out to require divers & extra cable, etc. It can get very expensive very quickly.

[Rich Jones]

I realize that was a joke, it ain't just Canada. Happens dozens of time every year here. $250/day fine for every day the vehicle is in the water + you are responsible for cleanup costs. A friend has a wrecker service near the lake & he has a rule that 1) it's $100 up front as a "stupid fee" in addition to normal charges & 2) you get to attach the cable to the vehicle yourself. When the vehicle is far enough out to require divers & extra cable, etc. It can get very expensive very quickly.

On one of the lakes nearby, the water is 100' deep where the guys usually put their fishing shanties. Good luck retrieving a truck from that depth!

[David G]

[JayInOz]

From "Mock The Week- " Part man, part machine, part bird, part drum- It's ROBOBONGOCUCKOOCOP! "

[David G]

For Mik --

I bought a sail for my boat off Amazon yesterday, but this morning, I realized I'd ordered the wrong size.

I called to cancel, but they said it was too late.

That sail has shipped.

[David G]

My youngest just sent this one over for the Dad Joke File --

Are plastic drinking straws banned in your locale also? I think they will soon be totally obsolete.

But this was predicted a long time ago.

In the 16th century, by No-straw-damus..

[CWSmith]

My youngest just sent this one over for the Dad Joke File --

Are plastic drinking straws banned in your locale also? I think they will soon be totally obsolete.

But this was predicted a long time ago.

In the 16th century, by No-straw-damus..

It reminds me of the SNL fake advert where Jane Curtis was advertising a new anti-anxiety pill called "Damitol".

[Garret]

It reminds me of the SNL fake advert where Jane Curtis was advertising a new anti-anxiety pill called "Damitol".

I remember that one! She did well for an ignorant...

Maybe it's my age or a different demographic, but I miss Curtin, Ackroyd, Belushi et al.

[David G]

For Joe --

'A steak pun is a rare medium done well'

[oznabrag]

I remember that one! She did well for an ignorant...

Maybe it's my age or a different demographic, but I miss Curtin, Ackroyd, Belushi et al.

You're old enough to remember when SNL was actually funny!

(With apologies to Che and Jost.)

[amish rob]

Kenan Thompson.

I adore him.

And, to be fair, the Weekend Update desk has been fairly well staffed the whole time. Different tastes, sure, but always clever and effective comedians.

[Garret]

Kenan Thompson.

I adore him.

And, to be fair, the Weekend Update desk has been fairly well staffed the whole time. Different tastes, sure, but always clever and effective comedians.

True 'nuf! A bright spot in what otherwise is less funny than it once was.

[CWSmith]

Maybe it's my age or a different demographic, but I miss Curtin, Ackroyd, Belushi et al.

You're old enough to remember when SNL was actually funny!

I have not laughed at SNL since the likes of Murphy left. I don't know if the younger humor is just different or plain awful, but it does nothing for me.

"Candygram!"

Does anyone remember the word association game between Chevy Chase and Richard Pryor? That was so cutting edge comedy that it bled.

[amish rob]

True 'nuf! A bright spot in what otherwise is less funny than it once was.

That kid has been hilarious since he WAS a kid. He just has a real sense and way about him.

Truthfully, though, I NEVER thought the show was all that great. It’s like everything, with some good, and some bad. It’s consistently been a place to get a few cheap chortles, and where a few lines are crossed or pushed, but it’s always been spotty.

True, there have been some ensembles that could all polish any turd, but that has as much to do with the intangibles as anything else.

I like being able to record and fast forward, let’s say?

[David G]

I think it was Welsford who inflicted this one on me --

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.

[mmd]

I have liked the old SNL ever since they featured an unknown-but-up-and-coming British singer songwriter named Kate Bush. Never cared much for Chevy Chase; loved Belushi and Ackroyd. Nowadays, not so much.

[mmd]

But, back to bad jokes (and puns):

The meaning of opaque is unclear.

I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.

Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it's seams.

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

[oznabrag]

I have liked the old SNL ever since they featured an unknown-but-up-and-coming British singer songwriter named Kate Bush. Never cared much for Chevy Chase; loved Belushi and Ackroyd. Nowadays, not so much.

Chase makes an EXCELLENT criminal mastermind.

___________

"Are you ignorant or apathetic?"

"I don't know, and I don't CARE!!"