Really bad Joke of the Day

[David G]

Grandson: my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!

Me: why???

G'son: I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles...

[David G]

Me... to grandson: You know, we've been talking about your wish to be a pirate when you grow up. Did you know... as a child, I was forced to 'walk the plank' regularly?

Grandson: Why... were you bad that often?

Me: No, it was because we couldn't afford a dog.

[birlinn]

Two short planks, surely?

[UCanoe_2]

phone booth.jpg

[David G]

Scientists tell us that Penguins produce an oil for their feathers which helps them retain body heat. Which means...

The oily bird gets the warm!

[David G]

ME: I didn't have time to jog this morning.

WIFE: You say that EVERY morning.

ME: Yes, it's a running joke.

[David G]

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because they were too heavy for the Brits to carry back to England.

<yes, that's a VERY bad joke>

[David G]

Patrick: Living in the country is nice. Every morning I get to take my cow for a long walk around the winery.

Kayleigh: Your cow?

Patrick: Yes... I herd it thru the grapevines.

[David G]

Bobby: When I eat alphabet soup... I eat only the vowels!!

Glen: Why?

Bobby: Sometimes.

[Bobby of Tulsa]

David, do you know what the Jitney Jungle hen said to the Humpty Dumpty rooster?
There aint no Safeway.

[Guinness]

But then along came a Piggly Wiggly and he showed them a Pathmark left by the Giant.

-Guinness

[Bobby of Tulsa]

But then along came a Piggly Wiggly and he showed them a Pathmark left by the Giant.

-Guinness

[Guinness]

He was the Target after all.

-Guinness

[David G]

ME: Hold your horses!

GRANDSON: I don't have any horses.

ME: It means 'calm down'.

G'SON: How can I calm down... I just realized our horses are gone!!!

[birlinn]

Do dung beetles roll their own?

One of mine- I'll get me coat again.

[AndyG]

My wife got me the new U2 satnav.

...it's rubbish.

The streets have no name, and I still can't find what I'm looking for.

Andy

[Stiletto]

I organised a threesome for last night.
There were two no-shows, but I still had a good time.

[Jack Loudon]

I organised a threesome for last night.
There were two no-shows, but I still had a good time.

Reminds me of a birthday card I got for a friend.

Cover: "Happy Birthday to the man who really knows how to handle himself in bed"

Inside: "And often does"

[UCanoe_2]

Television -- a medium.

So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

-- Ernie Kovacs

[David G]

"A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months.' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them.'"

[David G]

A friend from Scotland asked me -- "Did you see there's a new BilgeRat... from Oklahoma, I think - named Lance. Is that a common name in the U.S.?"

I told him I thought it was origninally a British name, and not common so much these days...

But that in Medieval Times... people there were named Lancelot.

[David G]

My son explained to me this morning that when his kids say, 'Daddy, where's Mommy'... it's the preschool equivalent of 'I want to speak to your supervisor'...

[David G]

Way back when, a fellow anti-war protester and I were scouting the route of our next demonstration/march.

There were already Sherrif's deputies stationed along the way - in full gear including truncheons and pepper-spray guns. He asked me, "It's 6 am, why are the riot police already out?"

I told him, "To beat the crowds."

[Garret]

My son explained to me this morning that when his kids say, 'Daddy, where's Mommy'... it's the preschool equivalent of 'I want to speak to your supervisor'...

Very good & already stolen.

[David G]

Ego & SUPEREGO walked into a bar. Bartender looks 'em over and says, "I'm gonna need to see some ID"....

"You look a bit Jung to me..."

[David G]

A Scotsman walks into a bar in Canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what it was.

"A moose" replied the bartender.

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" asked the Scot.

[CWSmith]

Did you hear about the Scotsman who moved to Canada?

He heard the advertisement "Drink Canada Dry!"

[David G]

Best Friend -- 'I'm just nervous about this'

ME -- 'Why on earth would you be apprehensive about dating a Vegan girl?'

BF -- 'I've never dated Hervivore!!!'

[Splodge]

Just don't try and use it on Sunday!

[birlinn]

Just been for a check-up, which finished with a finger probing my back passage.
I've always had doubts about that dentist.

[gypsie]

As the old actor once said, 'I always love a warm hand on my entrance'.

[David G]

Just finished a surprisingly good book about great basements.

It was a best cellar.

[David G]

I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk...

But I never got the chants.

[pkrone]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...

[birlinn]

Oldish one:
What did Spartacus say when he was told his mother in law had been killed and consumed by a lion?
"I'm gladiator"