Really bad Joke of the Day

[CWSmith]

^ I had to speak it out loud to get it.

[Jack Loudon]

^ I had to speak it out loud to get it.

with a southern accent

[David G]

I just heard that the company that makes yardsticks... won't be making them any longer.

[johnw]

West Virginia cop pulls over a motorist:

Cop: You got any I.D.?

Motorist: 'bout what?

[L.W. Baxter]

what tool does a carpenter use when the going gets really tough?

....coping saw.

[Garret]

what tool does a carpenter use when the going gets really tough?

....coping saw.

Does that mean a bishop uses a miter saw?

[L.W. Baxter]

and a constipated gardener?

....pruning saw

[David G]

Does that mean a bishop uses a miter saw?

Yes.

And a powerful bishop (more politician than scholar), trained in mathematics, uses a dual-compound sliding miter saw...

And a locksmith uses... ??

[Garret]

Yes.

And a powerful bishop (more politician than scholar), trained in mathematics, uses a dual-compound sliding miter saw...

And a locksmith uses... ??

Same thing as a Peeping Tom - a keyhole saw.

[L.W. Baxter]

what tool does scot use when david g says bad words?

...band saw

[birlinn]

And an optician?
A see-saw.
(Sorry- it's a teeter-totter your side of the pond- just remembered!)

[David G]

And an optician?
A see-saw.
(Sorry- it's a teeter-totter your side of the pond- just remembered!)

We also call it a see-saw.

[David G]

And what does a spy wear on her feet?

<sneakers>

[amish rob]

If I let rip would it dovetail nicely, or seem cross? I’m not set, yet.

[David W Pratt]

I just heard that the company that makes yardsticks... won't be making them any longer.

Yes they will, they are going metric.

[WX]

Today's One Liner Chuckles.


Looking for a woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned, who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.


I saw a guy in the park the other day at 7am pinned under a fallen tree. "Get help!" he shouted. 'Stuff you." I replied, chugging my bottle of vodka. "I don't need help. I can quit anytime."


As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward, "Aye, captain, I know how to pray." "Good" said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on life jackets - we're one short."

[David G]

For Glen...

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

[Beowolf]

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[David G]

That one went WAY over my head...

[Beowolf]

I’ll admit, as a black coffee drinker, that one seemed rather alien to me as well.

[WX]

In space, no one can hear you scream.

[Beowolf]

I’m sure David appreciates that.

[Beowolf]

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

[Beowolf]

Because they’re really good at it!

[Beowolf]

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

[Beowolf]

So that they can hide in apple trees.

[Beowolf]

What’s the loudest noise in the forest?

[Beowolf]

The sound of giraffes eating apples.

[Rich Jones]

Sorry, Beowolf, but your elephant jokes made me chuckle, not groan.
Therefore, they do not rate as Really Bad Jokes.

[David G]

So... Daffy Duck & Elmer Fudd break into a distillery with bad intentions. Daffy looks at all the boxes, turns to Elmer and asks, "Is this whisky?". Elmer says, "Yeth, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank!!"

[gypsie]

We also call it a see-saw.

Worried musician....
Fret.....

[UCanoe_2]

Worried musician....
Fret.....

A friend of mine has one of those low-anxiety banjos. It's fretless.

[sonofswen]

A pirate walks into a bar.

Bartender " You got a paper towel on yer head, what's up with that?"

Pirate " ARG!! I got a Bounty on me head"

[birlinn]

Doesn't work in the UK- a Bounty is a chocolate bar.

[Sea Smoke]

Elon won't complete the Twitter acquisition. As revenge, they are going to merge with 2 other major Social Media firms, YouTube and Facebook. The combined company will be called YouTwitFace.