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Thread: Really bad Joke of the Day

  1. #1016
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    ^ I had to speak it out loud to get it.
    "Where you live in the world should not determine whether you live in the world." - Bono

    "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers

    "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." - Groucho Marx

  2. #1017
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by CWSmith View Post
    ^ I had to speak it out loud to get it.
    with a southern accent

  3. #1018
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I just heard that the company that makes yardsticks... won't be making them any longer.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  4. #1019
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    West Virginia cop pulls over a motorist:

    Cop: You got any I.D.?

    Motorist: 'bout what?

  5. #1020
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    what tool does a carpenter use when the going gets really tough?

    ....coping saw.

  6. #1021
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by L.W. Baxter View Post
    what tool does a carpenter use when the going gets really tough?

    ....coping saw.
    Does that mean a bishop uses a miter saw?
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  7. #1022
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    and a constipated gardener?

    ....pruning saw

  8. #1023
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    Does that mean a bishop uses a miter saw?
    Yes.

    And a powerful bishop (more politician than scholar), trained in mathematics, uses a dual-compound sliding miter saw...

    And a locksmith uses... ??
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  9. #1024
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    Yes.

    And a powerful bishop (more politician than scholar), trained in mathematics, uses a dual-compound sliding miter saw...

    And a locksmith uses... ??
    Same thing as a Peeping Tom - a keyhole saw.
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  10. #1025
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    what tool does scot use when david g says bad words?

    ...band saw

  11. #1026
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    And an optician?
    A see-saw.
    (Sorry- it's a teeter-totter your side of the pond- just remembered!)

  12. #1027
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by birlinn View Post
    And an optician?
    A see-saw.
    (Sorry- it's a teeter-totter your side of the pond- just remembered!)
    We also call it a see-saw.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  13. #1028
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    And what does a spy wear on her feet?

    <sneakers>
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  14. #1029
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    If I let rip would it dovetail nicely, or seem cross? Im not set, yet.

  15. #1030
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    I just heard that the company that makes yardsticks... won't be making them any longer.
    Yes they will, they are going metric.

  16. #1031
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Today's One Liner Chuckles.


    Looking for a woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned, who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.


    I saw a guy in the park the other day at 7am pinned under a fallen tree. "Get help!" he shouted. 'Stuff you." I replied, chugging my bottle of vodka. "I don't need help. I can quit anytime."


    As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward, "Aye, captain, I know how to pray." "Good" said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on life jackets - we're one short."
    I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned


  17. #1032
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    For Glen...

    In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  18. #1033
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day


  19. #1034
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    That one went WAY over my head...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  20. #1035
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I’ll admit, as a black coffee drinker, that one seemed rather alien to me as well.

  21. #1036
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    In space, no one can hear you scream.
    I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned


  22. #1037
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    I’m sure David appreciates that.

  23. #1038
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

  24. #1039
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Because they’re really good at it!

  25. #1040
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Why do elephants paint their balls red?

  26. #1041
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    So that they can hide in apple trees.

  27. #1042
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    What’s the loudest noise in the forest?

  28. #1043
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    The sound of giraffes eating apples.

  29. #1044
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Sorry, Beowolf, but your elephant jokes made me chuckle, not groan.
    Therefore, they do not rate as Really Bad Jokes.
    I was born on a wooden boat that I built myself.
    Skiing is the next best thing to having wings.

  30. #1045
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    So... Daffy Duck & Elmer Fudd break into a distillery with bad intentions. Daffy looks at all the boxes, turns to Elmer and asks, "Is this whisky?". Elmer says, "Yeth, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank!!"
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  31. #1046
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    We also call it a see-saw.
    Worried musician....
    Fret.....
    It's all fun and games until Darth Vader comes.

  32. #1047
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by gypsie View Post
    Worried musician....
    Fret.....
    A friend of mine has one of those low-anxiety banjos. It's fretless.
    "George Washington as a boy
    was ignorant of the commonest
    accomplishments of youth.
    He could not even lie."

    -- Mark Twain

  33. #1048
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    A pirate walks into a bar.

    Bartender " You got a paper towel on yer head, what's up with that?"

    Pirate " ARG!! I got a Bounty on me head"

  34. #1049
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Doesn't work in the UK- a Bounty is a chocolate bar.

  35. #1050
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    Default Re: Really bad Joke of the Day

    Elon won't complete the Twitter acquisition. As revenge, they are going to merge with 2 other major Social Media firms, YouTube and Facebook. The combined company will be called YouTwitFace.
    O
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