Really bad Joke of the Day

[GregH]

At the ski area where I normally ski, there is one of the old-fashioned trough urinals - where 3-4 can stand & the water is running continuously. For many years there has been a "Shallow Water - No Diving" sign above it. Also the ski patrol hut at the top of the mountain alongside the chairlift has an (obviously "borrowed" from a seaside town) sign that says "Danger! Flooding if very high tide"

A sign at the urinals in the washroom of the FBO at the Kankakee, Illinois airport:

"Pilots with short exhaust stacks or low manifold pressure, please taxi in close"

[David W Pratt]

SIL has a sign in her powder room from a ski lift "Prepare to unload."

[David G]

I asked my darling dil how it went at the Couples Conference she & my son just got back from.

Her answer --

The speaker told them most couples were so disconnected that 85% of husbands didn't even know their wives favorite flower.

Apparently, my son - hearing that and attempting to show that he was ahead of the curve - leaned over and said, "It's whole wheat pastry... right?"

[WX]

WX, keep them coming! You are really firing on all cylinders!

I'm stealing them from a friend.

[Jack Loudon]

#1. A new recruit shows up at the French Foreign Legion outpost deep in the Sahara. The regular troops there show him the ropes. Hearing that the only women are in a village some distance away, the newcomer asks what the men do to satisfy their urges. "Well, we have that camel over there" a corporal says, turning his head toward the tired old dromedary. A couple of weeks later the recruit can stand it no longer, so mounts the camel and starts to do his business. Some of the troops take notice and run over, laughing and howling. "What's so funny; Am I not doing what you all do?" the recruit asks. The troops explain that they use the camel to ride into town.

#2. There was a trial for a rape case, and the victim was on the stand recounting the details of the attack. The prosecutor asked her to describe in detail what the assailant said to her before and during the attack. She said it was too sensitive and did not wish to speak it out loud. However, she agreed to write it down on a piece of paper so it could be read silently by the members of the jury. One by one the jury members silently read the note and passed it to the next person. An attractive woman juror read the note and attempted to pass it to the man next to her, but the man was sound asleep. She nudged him with her elbow and handed him the note. He read the note, looked carefully at the woman who passed him the note, and pushed the note into his pocket.

The judge addressed the man "Sir, please take the note out of your pocket and pass it to the next juror"
The man said 'I can't do that"
Judge asks "And why not?"
The man replies "It's personal".

[WX]

Today's One Liner Chuckles.


The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.


My wife and I have started role playing in the bedroom, her favourite is 'Sexy Librarian' where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.


I phoned my wife earlier, "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up pie and mash on my way home?" I was met with a stoney silence. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

[WX]

Today's One Liner Chuckles.


We were so poor growing up, my mum used to send me next door with a button and ask them to sew a shirt on it.


What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren!


Last night my wife and I had a huge fight about whose turn it was to do the laundry.
Finally, I folded.

[bluedog225]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks decided to have a pit stop at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

[amish rob]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

[WX]

I got a Russian taxi driver this morning.
His name was Pikup Andropov.


How come too many of my stories end up with 'And that's why I'm not allowed to go back there anymore?'


A bus full of housewives going on a picnic, fell into a river, all died.
Each husband cried for a week, one husband continued for more than two weeks.
When asked why he missed his wife so much, he replied miserably "My wife missed the bus!!!"

[JayInOz]

Today's One Liner Chuckles.



What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren!


.

Dad used to say- I wasn't much good as a magician. I couldn't pull a rabbit out of a hat- but I could pull a hare out of me bum JayInOz

[NickW]

"Hullo, you're new to the office, make yourself useful and sweep the floor."

"But I'm a graduate!"

"Oh, I'd better show you how then."

[WX]

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a police woman who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The police woman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Ok, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop....."

[beernd]

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a police woman who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The police woman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Ok, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop....."

That is not, I repeat not a bad joke.

I will give you an example of a bad joke:
Question: What happened to the four students of the university of Leiden who wanted to go to London?

Answer: They never went!

Now that is a bad joke that will make absolutely nobody laugh.

[David G]

In order to qualify as a BAD joke... doesn't it have to first qualify as a JOKE???

[WX]

That is not, I repeat not a bad joke.

I will give you an example of a bad joke:
Question: What happened to the four students of the university of Leiden who wanted to go to London?

Answer: They never went!

Now that is a bad joke that will make absolutely nobody laugh.

We could talk about gun laws.

[David G]

A Golden Oldie --

Remember when Shrub was prez and Cheney was having some medical problems?

The WH doctor was briefing Shrub, and explaining that the problem was that Cheney had angina.

Shrub was confused and argued that Dick Cheney was ALL MAN, and most certainly did NOT have angina.

The MD, however, stood his ground and assured the spluttering prez that not only did Cheney have angina... but that - in his expert opinion - he had acute angina.

Shrub fainted.

[Dave Gray]

I seem to recall a Johnnie Carson joke that was very similar.

[David G]

Has anyone shared this one??


A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"


The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.


See, the joke is about Dscartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore, I am', but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

[David G]

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the boy.... "Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?" The boy nodded in yes. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or ****head is it?" "No, coach. "Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!

[David W Pratt]

When does a bad joke become a Dad Joke?
When it becomes apparent.

[Stiletto]

I've been reading a horror story in braille, and something bad is about to happen.
I can feel it!

[Jimmy W]

My father used to tell a joke with the same last line, but I don't think this is quite it.

A guy's driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is he's taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, "Wouldn't it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?" And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, "What's time to a pig?"

[David G]

I bet a lot of you didn't know...

Before the crowbar was invented...

The crows simply drank at home!

[L.W. Baxter]

from norma just now:

que hace un perro con un taladro?

no lo se...

'taladrando...

[JayInOz]

Yep- that's a bad joke. Helps if you spell taladrando correctly when using a translator too

[CWSmith]

Not a joke, just something that makes me smile.

Doogie MacLean has recorded two fiddle tunes by Niel Gow.

One, called Lament is for his wife who died. It is terribly sad.

The sadder tune is called Farewell to Whisky.

[David G]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chest is so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[David G]

Just had a 'moment' with my printer.

Couldn't figure out why there was music coming from it, instead of printed sheets.

Apparently is was in the mood to be jammin'

[David G]

Sigh... yes, I know how divisive this one will be. Only a fraction of my audience will laugh ---

But it has to be said: there's a fine line between being a numerator and being a denominator.

[CWSmith]

Sigh... yes, I know how divisive this one will be. Only a fraction of my audience will laugh ---

But it has to be said: there's a fine line between being a numerator and being a denominator.

Not necessarily. It can be written in chalk.

[David G]

Sitting at lunch with the toddlers. Planning our afternoon activities and assembling supplies. We were gonna play 'SPIES'. Then I accidentally drank the disappearing ink.

Now I'm in the ER... waiting to be seen.

[johnw]

Sitting at lunch with the toddlers. Planning our afternoon activities and assembling supplies. We we gonna play 'SPIES'. Then I accidentally drank the disappearing ink.

Now I'm in the ER... waiting to be seen.

You're gonna get busted for failure to appear.

[WX]

Today's One Liner Chuckles.


Most people think that T-Rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead.


I just blocked myself.
I'm not putting up with any of my crap, either.


5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
5yo: ......
Me: .....
5yo: .....
Me: .....
5yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.

[Jack Loudon]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Smell mop
Smell mop who?