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Thread: The 12 days of christmas

  1. #1
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    Default The 12 days of christmas

    ...
    THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

    Dear True Love ….
    Day One
    Many thanks for the lovely partridge and pear tree delivered to my home today. As pleased as I am with the gift, I just wanted to check that if you are planning on eating the partridge for our Christmas dinner that you plan this in advance given that it is an offence to kill game on a Sunday or Christmas Day under Section 3 of the Game Act 1831.
    Day Two
    What a romantic sentiment – two turtle doves. It put me in mind of our proposed nuptials. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but we must discuss our pre-nuptial agreement which is now given more consideration in divorce proceedings following the case of Radmacher v Granatino.
    Day Three
    French hens! That was a surprise today. However, I do need to check the title deeds for my property to ensure that there are no restrictions on my keeping livestock and assuming that there are no more hens on the way, then as I am not obliged to register less than fifty hens with DEFRA, we should be fine to keep them at home.
    Day Four
    It was a surprise to receive more birds from you today in the shape of four blackbirds. I see you took the old English interpretation that these related to “colly” birds, i.e. “black” birds. I am pleased that you settled on sending the blackbirds rather than starlings as you will remember that it is illegal to take starlings as they are fully protected under the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981 in England and Wales.
    Day Five
    Perfect! After the previous four days, the five gold rings you sent today were more to my liking. I trust that you did not find these, because if you did, you will remember that we may need to report these under the Treasure Act 1996.
    Day Six
    I notice that more birds have arrived today. As much as I like the six geese a-laying, I was a little concerned as to where they came from given that it is an offence to disturb wild birds while near their nests under Section 1 of the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981.
    Day Seven
    Again, a lovely thought but I hope you remembered swans are again one of the protected species under the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981 …
    Day Eight
    I was surprised to find eight maids a-milking from you today. Although they were very pleasant girls, I was a little concerned that my property doesn’t comply with the principles as set out in EU regulations for milking, storage, animal housing and health given that these requirements are extensive.
    Day Nine
    The ladies who arrived at my home yesterday gave me a bit of a shock and although I appreciated their enthusiasm and talents, their dancing all day and through the night had me troubled – should we have considered an entertainment licence under Section 1 of the Licensing Act 2003?
    Day Ten
    Oh my word! Lords a-leaping! It came as a shock today to find some familiar faces from court jumping madly outside my home.
    Day Eleven
    I woke with a start this morning to the sound of bagpipes outside my window. I presume that these eleven pipers were for my pleasure provided by you and that they did not require a busking permit.
    Day Twelve
    Unfortunately, with the bagpipers yesterday and the twelve drummers that arrived today, it came as no surprise that my neighbours telephoned the local authority to report the nuisance and I am now trying to persuade them not to take any action under the Noise Act 1996 or the Noise and Statutory Nuisance Act 1993.

    As much as I appreciate the sentiments with your gifts over the last few days, my true love, perhaps next year we could just limit presents to a box of chocolates ….

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
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    Default Re: The 12 days of christmas

    Alternative 1
    the twelve days of christmas
    what really happened...
    (sanitized for your protection)
    on the first day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 14, 1994

    dearest john:

    I went to the door today and the postman delivered
    a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly
    delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
    surprised.

    With deepest love and devotion,

    agnes
    on the second day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 15, 1994

    dearest john:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
    Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted
    at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
    adorable.

    All my love,

    agnes
    on the third day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 16, 1994

    dearest john:

    Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now i really
    must protest. I don't deserve such generosity,
    three french hens. They are just darling but i must
    insist, you've been too kind.

    Love,

    agnes
    on the fourth day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 17, 1994

    dear john,

    today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now
    really, they are beautiful but don't you think
    enough is enough. You're being too romantic.

    Affectionately,

    agnes
    on the fifth day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 18, 1994

    dearest john:

    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5
    golden rings; one for every finger. You're just
    impossible, but i love it. Frankly, all those birds
    squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love,

    anges
    on the sixth day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 19, 1994

    dear john:

    When i opened the door there were actually 6 geese
    a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to
    the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
    will i ever keep them? The neighbors are
    complaining and i can't sleep through the racket.

    Please stop.

    Cordially,

    agnes
    on the seventh day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 20, 1994

    john:

    What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans
    a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this?
    There's bird **** all over the house, and they
    never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at
    night and i'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
    So stop sending me all these birds!

    Sincerely,

    agnes
    on the eighth day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 21, 1994

    o.k. Buster:

    I think i prefer the birds. What am i going to do
    with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all
    those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to
    bring their cows! There is **** all over the lawn
    and i can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
    smart ass.

    Agnes
    on the ninth day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 22, 1994

    hey! ****head,

    what are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9
    pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've
    never stopped chasing those maids since they got
    here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset,
    and they're stepping all over those screeching
    birds. What am i going to do? The neighbors have
    started a petition to evict me.

    You'll get yours,

    agnes
    on the tenth day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 23, 1994

    you rotten sadist,

    now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why i
    call those sluts ladies. They've been messing with
    those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
    sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living
    room is a river of ****. The commissioner of
    buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
    building shouldn't be condemned.

    I'm sicking the police on you.

    One who means it.
    on the eleventh day of christmas...
    miss agnes mcholstein
    69 cash avenue
    beaver valley, colorado

    december 24, 1994

    listen! Looser,

    what's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids
    and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
    again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
    have been committing sodomy with the cows. All
    23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled
    to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied,
    you rotten, vicious swine.

    Your sworn enemy,

    agnes
    on the twelfth day of christmas...
    law offices
    badger, bender and cahole
    303 knave street
    chicago, illinois

    december 25, 1994

    dear sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
    fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to
    inflict on our client, miss agnes mcholstein.
    The destruction, of course, was total. All
    correspondence should come to our attention.
    If you should attempt to reach miss mcholstein
    at happy dale sanitarium, the attendants have
    instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
    letter please find attached warrant for your
    arrest.

    Cordially,

    badger, bender and cahole

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
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    Default Re: The 12 days of christmas

    A cartridge in a bare tree:



    Christmas in America!
    Last edited by Chip-skiff; 12-12-2019 at 07:29 PM.

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