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Thread: Bad joke of the day.

  1. #176
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Took a friend to a polka gig a couple years ago near Sunfish Lake and we stopped for lunch on the way... (shut UP, Orca!!)

    Halfway thru lunch he realized he'd left his accordeen on the back seat in full view!

    We charged out to the car, but we were too late... they'd broken the rear windows and thrown in three more!

    (And it was a convertible!)

  2. #177
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vince Brennan View Post
    Took a friend to a polka gig a couple years ago near Sunfish Lake and we stopped for lunch on the way... (shut UP, Orca!!)

    Halfway thru lunch he realized he'd left his accordeen on the back seat in full view!

    We charged out to the car, but we were too late... they'd broken the rear windows and thrown in three more!

    (And it was a convertible!)
    LOL

    What are you doing about it?




  3. #178
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Look on the bright side... at least no one had added banjos to the collection...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  4. #179
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by PeterSibley View Post
    A broker opened the door of his Mercedes, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene of accident, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his expensive Mercedes.
    “Police Officer, look what he has done to my car!”, he whiningly said.
    “You brokers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid Mercedes, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”
    “Damn it…” replied the broker, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was,
    “Where’s my Rolex?”
    FWIW My uncle George had a similar experience on HMAS Canberra during WW2. During the loss of that ship he lost his left arm and for whatever reaon he was lucid during the whole episode. He was being helped by another crew, and noticed the carnage. He said to the crew helping him "Look some boor bastard has lost his arm!" The crew told him it was his own arm and asked if he wanted his watch retrieved. His reply, along the lines of "What the hell for? Where would I put it now me arm's been blown off?"

    Not a joke at the time but he got a lot of mileage out of the story all his life.
    When I first joined WBF they made me write a book to prove I was a real yachty. I was so gullible.
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  5. #180
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Definition of "Perfect Pitch"...

    Throwing the banjo so that it goes straight into the trash can without hitting the sides...


    I've been playing music since the late '50's... there are a lot of these...

    How can you tell it's a drummer at the door?

    The knocking keeps varying in tempo.

    (Ba-da-Boom!)

  6. #181
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by brucemoffatt View Post
    FWIW My uncle George had a similar experience on HMAS Canberra during WW2. During the loss of that ship he lost his left arm and for whatever reaon he was lucid during the whole episode. He was being helped by another crew, and noticed the carnage. He said to the crew helping him "Look some boor bastard has lost his arm!" The crew told him it was his own arm and asked if he wanted his watch retrieved. His reply, along the lines of "What the hell for? Where would I put it now me arm's been blown off?"

    Not a joke at the time but he got a lot of mileage out of the story all his life.
    An old local feller who used to do a bit of shearing for us each year, had been cutting firewood on a Saturday morning. As he drove his old ute back up on to the main road, arm resting out the window, a big council truck came hurtling around the bend on the wrong side of the road and hit right down the side of the ute. It wiped old Shortys arm off like spreading butter on toast. One of the ambulance drivers who raced him to hospital later said that as he was trying to comfort him, Shorty said "You'd better hurry up and fix this- I have to go shearing on Monday".
    Totally unrelated, but on another occasion we were having a fund raiser at our little one teacher school. All sorts of stuff for sale. Shorty was looking through a pile of girls clothes and bought the lot. He took them home and showed them to his daughter Heather. "I thought these might fit you" He said. She replied "They do- those are all my clothes that I donated this morning!" JayInOz

  7. #182
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I can relate to the last one Jay .
    '' You ain't gonna learn what you don't want to know. ''
    Grateful Dead

  8. #183
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Hahaha JayInOz

  9. #184
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by JayInOz View Post
    An old local feller who used to do a bit of shearing for us each year, had been cutting firewood on a Saturday morning. As he drove his old ute back up on to the main road, arm resting out the window, a big council truck came hurtling around the bend on the wrong side of the road and hit right down the side of the ute. It wiped old Shortys arm off like spreading butter on toast. One of the ambulance drivers who raced him to hospital later said that as he was trying to comfort him, Shorty said "You'd better hurry up and fix this- I have to go shearing on Monday". ..
    The then 15 YO son of my boatbuilder friend Lex had an ATV accident (I was there - not fun). He was taken to the hospital where they tried to save his leg for about a day. They finally came & told us that they couldn't save it & it'd have to come off right below the knee. As they wheeled Alex into the operating room, he said "Hey Dad - would you do me a favor?" "Sure son - anything you need" "Will you make me a pegleg? I'm gonna be a killer pirate this Halloween".

    People are pretty amazing.

    OK - back to tasteless - oops - bad jokes!
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  10. #185
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Garret the son of a good friend of mine (now deceased) was sitting on a train carriage drinking with friends when the train began to move. They all jumped off, and my friends son slipped and rolled down the bank and under the train. He lost one entire arm and the entire leg on the opposite side, and all the fingers on the remaining hand. He had other injuries too, and was close to death for quite a while, but pulled through. Surgeons removed almost the entire hand from the severed arm and attached it successfully to the other one. It worked and is fully functional, but the fingers are in reverse order! He was a talented guitarist and quite the budding craftsman, but readjusted to his new situation remarkable well. One serious side effect that he hadn't expected though- we live in a hot climate, and although he has lost two entire limbs, apparently the body still produces a full pre determined amount of blood- so in summer he seriously overheats! So it's winters here, summers in Tasmania JayInOz

  11. #186
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Wow - like I said, people are amazing!
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  12. #187
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    Wow - like I said, people are amazing!
    Agreed in spades !
    '' You ain't gonna learn what you don't want to know. ''
    Grateful Dead

  13. #188
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A banjo player just bought the banjo of his dreams. Handmade by the best craftsman in the world. He drives to his girlfriend's house, parks the car, locking the banjo in full view in the back seat.

    Later, he comes outside and, while walking toward his car, he notices the window is smashed. He starts to run, not worried about the car, but about the most unique instrument in the world--his banjo!

    As he reaches the car, his feet crunching on shattered glass, he looks inside and there, beside his banjo is.....

    ...another banjo!

    Kevin
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  14. #189
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    The definition of stupid has got to be the belief that more guns will negate the bloodshed done with guns.

  15. #190
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I see he qualified in animal husbandry.

  16. #191
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    San Francisco. I was in the car with my sister and niece, who was then aged five.

    My sister needed something from a convenience store and stopped, not in a permitted place, to nip into the store. She remarked as she went that she would be quick as there was a police car just up the street.

    While she was gone, my niece turned to me and said, in disgusted tones: "What are you supposed to do, when even your parents are criminals?"
    "Mozart is the heart's touchstone" (Edwin Fischer)

  17. #192
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Recycling dept:

    There was a young fellow called Clyde
    Who fell down a sewer and died.
    The next day his brother
    fell down another
    and now they're interred side by side.

  18. #193
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vince Brennan View Post
    Definition of "Perfect Pitch"...

    Throwing the banjo so that it goes straight into the trash can without hitting the sides...


    I've been playing music since the late '50's... there are a lot of these...

    How can you tell it's a drummer at the door?

    The knocking keeps varying in tempo.

    (Ba-da-Boom!)
    A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, make up your mind. You know you can't do both."

    What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

    Homeless.

    Q:Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?
    A:Terrorists have sympathizers


    Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
    A: A tattoo.

    What do you call a drummer in a suit?
    The defendant.

    What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
    Drool.

    What is the difference between a banjo and an onion?
    Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

    What's the difference between a large pizza and a folksinger?
    A large pizza can feed a family of four.

    What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
    Lipstick.

    Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
    Friend: "I hope so."

  19. #194
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Since we're on a musical note.

    My favourite pub is the Stradivarius.....It's a vile inn down the road

  20. #195
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A drummer decided he wanted to learn guitar, so he went to the mall to buy one.
    The shopkeeper said "You are a drummer aren't you?"
    "Yes, how did you know?"
    "This is a greengrocers."
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
    The weakness of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web.

  21. #196
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Do you know what a dyslectic, agnostic insomniac does?
    Sits up all night, wondering if there is a dog.

  22. #197
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  23. #198
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
    Simpler is better, except when complicated looks really cool.

  24. #199
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
    Simpler is better, except when complicated looks really cool.

  25. #200
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Did you hear about the drummer that locked his keys in the car?
    Took two hours to get the bass player out.
    The definition of stupid has got to be the belief that more guns will negate the bloodshed done with guns.

  26. #201
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Peerie Maa View Post
    A drummer decided he wanted to learn guitar, so he went to the mall to buy one.
    The shopkeeper said "You are a drummer aren't you?"
    "Yes, how did you know?"
    "This is a greengrocers."

    what do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians.....
    "People should be able to access these benefits [Social Welfare] as a matter of right, with no more loss of their own standards of self-respect than would be involved in collecting from an insurance company the proceeds of an endowment policy on which they have been paying premiums for years."
    Robert Menzies - Liberal Party (Conservative) Prime Minister of Australia.

  27. #202
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Is it true that in Australia... there is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together. Called velcrows.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  28. #203
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by WX View Post
    Did you hear about the drummer that locked his keys in the car?
    Took two hours to get the bass player out.
    That is too good to be a bad joke.

    With all this anti banjo talk I may have to resign, last month I bought a ukulele.

  29. #204
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by JayInOz View Post
    Garret the son of a good friend of mine (now deceased) was sitting on a train carriage drinking with friends when the train began to move. They all jumped off, and my friends son slipped and rolled down the bank and under the train. He lost one entire arm and the entire leg on the opposite side, and all the fingers on the remaining hand. He had other injuries too, and was close to death for quite a while, but pulled through. Surgeons removed almost the entire hand from the severed arm and attached it successfully to the other one. It worked and is fully functional, but the fingers are in reverse order! He was a talented guitarist and quite the budding craftsman, but readjusted to his new situation remarkable well. One serious side effect that he hadn't expected though- we live in a hot climate, and although he has lost two entire limbs, apparently the body still produces a full pre determined amount of blood- so in summer he seriously overheats! So it's winters here, summers in Tasmania JayInOz
    I guess he had to give up buying icecreams.

    Rick

  30. #205
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    There are strict rules everywhere (except NZ, of course) about vets sleeping with their patients.

    Rick

  31. #206
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Thoughts and prayers.

    Rick

  32. #207
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by RFNK View Post
    Thoughts and prayers.

    Rick
    You win.
    The definition of stupid has got to be the belief that more guns will negate the bloodshed done with guns.

  33. #208
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  34. #209
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Cool!

  35. #210
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

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