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Thread: Bad joke of the day.

  1. #71
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    "Adders need logs to multiply"

    You'd need to be of a certain age to get that one. I just retired from 25 years of teaching civil engineering. I can guarantee that none of my former students would get that one. The calculator killed the understanding of logs.....

  2. #72
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Draketail View Post
    "Adders need logs to multiply"

    You'd need to be of a certain age to get that one. I just retired from 25 years of teaching civil engineering. I can guarantee that none of my former students would get that one. The calculator killed the understanding of logs.....
    But they still have rhythm!
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  3. #73
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    "The calculator killed the understanding of logs....."

    I'm not convinced that's a bad thing. I'm guessing they knew the logarithmic progression.

  4. #74
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Does anybody remember "Elephant Jokes"? Really BAD!!!


    How can you tell if an elephant's been in your fridge?
    By the footprints in the lemon meringue pie.

    How did the elephant get scratches on his belly?
    From flying too low over rose bushes.

    How can you tell if an elephant's riding in the back seat behind you?
    You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

    Why do elephants have trunks?
    They haven't got glove compartments.

    How do you get 6 elephants in a VW Bug?
    3 in front and 3 in back.

    What's gray and comes in quarts?
    An elephant. (spelling was never my finest skill!)

    Another:

    What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart?

    A saloon is a bar room and an elephant fart is a BARROOOM!

    Kevin
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  5. #75
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    And another ancient one...

    What is the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

    One shoots but can't hit; the other hoots but can't.......

  6. #76
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Yet another ancient one

    Q What's the difference between a JCB and a Giraffe?

    A The first has hydraulics and the second high b*ll***ks.

    Nick

  7. #77
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A giraffe waled into a bar and said ,"The high b@lls are on me !"
    '' You ain't gonna learn what you don't want to know. ''
    Grateful Dead

  8. #78
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Q. What is the difference between a Zippo and a Hippo?

    A. One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
    Yma o hyd

  9. #79
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    An old British political joke re-purposed.

    What is the difference between psoriasis and Piers Morgan?

    One is a condition, the other a disease.
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
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  10. #80
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by NickW View Post
    Yet another ancient one

    Q What's the difference between a JCB and a Giraffe?

    A The first has hydraulics and the second high b*ll***ks.

    Nick
    JCB translates to backhoe.

  11. #81
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hwyl View Post
    JCB translates to backhoe.
    The folks who invented the backhoe that can move sideways in fact. I was going to post that translation - but glad you did.
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  12. #82
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A joke from Graduate School:

    Saint Peter hears a knock on the Golden Gate. He asks, "Who goes there?"
    A voice from outside the Gate says: "It is I."
    Saint Peter mutters to himself, "Another English Major starved to death."

  13. #83
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by NickW View Post
    Q. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. None. They form a support group for "coping with darkness".

    Nick
    How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only one, but it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change.

    ________________

    Three-footed dog walks into a bar. Says, "I'm lookin' for the man what shot my paw."
    __________________


    Man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Bartender says, "what's with that thing?"

    The duck says, "I don't know, it was just a boil on my butt yesterday."
    _____________

    A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he'll give him a free beer for an amazing trick. The bartender agrees. The guy pulls out a hamster that begins dancing and singing.

    "That is amazing!" says the bartender and gives him a beer.

    "If I show you something else, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees.

    The guy pulls out a small piano and a frog. The same hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings.

    The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer.

    A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a large sum, and the man agrees.

    "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

    "Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

  14. #84
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?


    Just one, to hold the bulb while the world revolves around him

  15. #85
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    My new grandson is only 5 months... but this one hits home --

    Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  16. #86
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic. JayInOz

  17. #87
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    An Engineer dies, and goes to Hell.



    Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After

    a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.



    One day God rings down and asks Satan,"So, how's it going down there?"



    Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."



    God is horrified.

    "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him back up here!"



    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff.. I'm keeping him".



    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue".



    "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to find a lawyer?"
    '' You ain't gonna learn what you don't want to know. ''
    Grateful Dead

  18. #88
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Q: What do you get when you put an epileptic in a lettuce patch?

    A: Seizure salad...
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  19. #89
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    After reading some of these jokes, I had to ask --

    Is old rope good enough for a hanging?

    Frayed knot. That stuff is bad noose.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  20. #90
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Another subtle one for David G.


    A loud obnoxious forumite was driving through Portland Oregon one day. He stopped by a little boy. Now little boys in Oregon are known for being polite.

    Say little boy, is this Portland Oregon?

    Yes sir, yes it is.

    Is this Portland Oregon renowned for it's artistic people and the Lewis and Clark trail?

    You are right sir, yes it is.

    Well I have to say, I hate Portland Oregon.....I think it's the arsehole of the world.

    Are you just passing through then sir?

  21. #91
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hwyl View Post
    Another subtle one for David G.


    A loud obnoxious forumite was driving through Portland Oregon one day. He stopped by a little boy. Now little boys in Oregon are known for being polite.

    Say little boy, is this Portland Oregon?

    Yes sir, yes it is.

    Is this Portland Oregon renowned for it's artistic people and the Lewis and Clark trail?

    You are right sir, yes it is.

    Well I have to say, I hate Portland Oregon.....I think it's the arsehole of the world.

    Are you just passing through then sir?
    <fart>
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  22. #92
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    <fart>
    That had to be the response, didn't it?
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  23. #93
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    That had to be the response, didn't it?
    sh!tty, I know. I should have made a bigger effort <G>

    (the circling vultures were a dead giveaway)
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  24. #94
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Q: What do you get when you put a tree squirrel in a blender?

    A: A ground squirrel
    _____________________________

    Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
    The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
    Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
    The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
    Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
    The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
    "A cat," Schrödinger replies.
    The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
    Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
    _________________________________________

    Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: One
    ___________________

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?

    Phillip Glass
    _______________

    So a giant grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender is shocked, but then recovers and says "Hey, we've got a drink named after yoü."
    The grasshopper looks puzzled and says "Why would you have a drink named Larry?"
    Last edited by Dusty Yevsky; 02-08-2018 at 10:57 AM.

  25. #95
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said:
    “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married”. “Later my father married my step daughter. That made my step daughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
    “This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. “This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I’m my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I’m my own grandfather!
    '' You ain't gonna learn what you don't want to know. ''
    Grateful Dead

  26. #96
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
    The weakness of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web.

  27. #97
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    7 Bad Jokes for the week......... one per day


    MONDAY
    The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
    Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

    The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

    Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
    The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

    'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

    TUESDAY
    A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
    He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
    The Vicar said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
    The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put £5,000 in the offering plate!'
    The Vicar said, 'No s**t?'

    WEDNESDAY
    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
    appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
    'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
    'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

    THURSDAY
    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
    Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
    She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
    Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.
    'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

    FRIDAY
    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Brisbane .
    'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germ s in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
    all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

    SATURDAY
    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all aghast.
    At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
    Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
    They are knocked over but continue “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?”
    'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
    'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
    Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.'

    SUNDAY
    A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland .
    As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
    the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
    She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
    'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
    She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'
    A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

  28. #98
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Hills in Holland?

    anyway, another oldie:

    A congregation in the Outer Hebrides were being lectured by the minister on the evils of drink.
    "Just to show you the effects of alcohol, I have brought two glasses. One is filled with whisky, the other with water. I will put a wee worm in each, and we will see what happens."
    Ten minutes later, he lifted the glasses to show the congregation, saying "The worm in the whisky is already dead. What does this tell us?"
    A voice from the back replied "If ye drink whisky, ye won't get worms!"

  29. #99
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    cathouse - Muy Excellente.

    My sweetie - the minister with the vocabulary of a longshoreman, and a small impecunious mob at the congregation she started - particularly enjoyed the Vicar story.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  30. #100
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    And for my beautiful, brilliant, and determined daughter-in-law, who - 5 months ago - delivered to the world a Very Large Baby ---

    Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    https://www.facebook.com/HarborWoodworks/

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  31. #101
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Ouch! :-)

  32. #102
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Q: How many clarinet players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, but he has to sort through a whole box to find one that works.
    It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop. (Lucy Porter 2018)

  33. #103
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by jonboy View Post
    How do you know you are not an elephant?
    Because elephants never forget.
    Why does an elephant never forget? What's an elephant got to remember?
    How do we form a mutiny? Our new captain is navigating poorly.

  34. #104
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Draketail View Post
    What's white on the outside, green on the inside and hops????



    A frog sandwich.
    What's black, lives in a tree, and is extremely dangerous?




    a crow with a machine gun.
    How do we form a mutiny? Our new captain is navigating poorly.

  35. #105
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    The Penguin Joke

    <stron

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