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Thread: Bad joke of the day.

  1. #36
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hwyl View Post
    Multi storey car parks: Wrong on so many levels.
    I stared at this joke and stared at it. Wondering why it was getting BIGGER????

    Then it hit me.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  2. #37
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A friend of mine from New Zealand (Hi John!) tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  3. #38
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    How many women does it take to change a light bulb ...?

    Not that many because most of them say 'you've been on that bloody WBF for hours.. if you don't mind the bog light has gone and its a Sunday and I need a day off too, and I cant understand that bleedin workshop.. I can see where the beers are but where do you keep the flamin' spare light bulbs and how do these step ladders work anyway
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  4. #39
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A couple of other things that apprentices were sent for, a bubble for a spirit level and tartan paint.

    A woman walks into a bar and asked for a double entendre.
    So the bartender gave her one.

  5. #40
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  6. #41
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I woke up in a room on the 13th floor of a sleazy hotel. There was a 14th, but that's another storey.
    Yma o hyd

  7. #42
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I walked out of the bedroom door this morning, and came face to face with a 757.
    I must have left the ruddy landing lights on.

  8. #43
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I just heard about a sawmill worker who tripped and fell headlong into the big rig. Cut off a large swath of his left side.

    He's all right now, though.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  9. #44
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Last week a woman backed into an airplane propeller. Disaster!
    Schooner captains love to get blown offshore!

  10. #45
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    It was suggested that someone is selling drugs in the Bilge. I doubt it. I think weed know...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  11. #46
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Does anybody remember "Elephant Jokes"? Really BAD!!!


    How can you tell if an elephant's been in your fridge?
    By the footprints in the lemon meringue pie.

    How did the elephant get scratches on his belly?
    From flying too low over rose bushes.

    How can you tell if an elephant's riding in the back seat behind you?
    You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

    Why do elephants have trunks?
    They haven't got glove compartments.

    How do you get 6 elephants in a VW Bug?
    3 in front and 3 in back.

    What's gray and comes in quarts?
    An elephant. (spelling was never my finest skill!)
    Schooner captains love to get blown offshore!

  12. #47
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A favorite from when my boys were young:

    How do elephants hide in cherry trees? They paint their toenails red.

    Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? WORKS... doesn't it???
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  13. #48
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    How do you know you are not an elephant?
    Because elephants never forget.
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  14. #49
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by SchoonerRat View Post
    Does anybody remember "Elephant Jokes"? Really BAD!!!


    How can you tell if an elephant's been in your fridge?
    By the footprints in the lemon meringue pie.

    How did the elephant get scratches on his belly?
    From flying too low over rose bushes.

    How can you tell if an elephant's riding in the back seat behind you?
    You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

    Why do elephants have trunks?
    They haven't got glove compartments.

    How do you get 6 elephants in a VW Bug?
    3 in front and 3 in back.

    What's gray and comes in quarts?
    An elephant. (spelling was never my finest skill!)
    .

    Why yam i laughing so hard.?

  15. #50
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Q: Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?
    A: That's when elephants jump out of their tree-top nests.

    Q: Why are pygmies so short?
    A: They went into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon.


    (Somewhere in the stacks is a thin paperback book my mother gave to me when I was about seven or eight years old, titled "101 Elephant Jokes". It has always been a hit with the wee ones who occasionally visit.)
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  16. #51
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    A favorite from when my boys were young:

    How do elephants hide in cherry trees? They paint their toenails red.

    Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? WORKS... doesn't it???
    How did Tarzan die?

    Went cherry picking, . . . and an elephant fell on him.
    Enjoy a good rum on the rocks at sunset.

  17. #52
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

    The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."


    The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

    The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

    The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
    Enjoy a good rum on the rocks at sunset.

  18. #53
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Probably not understandable across the pond, but another for the kids:

    Why have Elephants got Big Ears?

    Because Noddy will not pay them the ransom.

  19. #54
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    What's white on the outside, green on the inside and hops????



    A frog sandwich.

  20. #55
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    What is black white and screams as it goes round and round?



    A nun on a spit.
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
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  21. #56
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Are there 5' 6" tall penguins?



    No? Damn, I've just run over a nun.
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
    The weakness of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web.

  22. #57
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Not a joke per se, but fun.

    Open a google search & enter "do a barrel roll". After that, search for "askew"

    www.google.com
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  23. #58
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Peerie Maa View Post
    What is black white and screams as it goes round and round?



    A nun on a spit.
    i.

    Just dont get in the hapet.

    Catholic school boy funny.....

  24. #59
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Peerie Maa View Post
    Are there 5' 6" tall penguins?



    No? Damn, I've just run over a nun.
    Just don't make a habit doing that!

  25. #60
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Draketail View Post
    What's white on the outside, green on the inside and hops????



    A frog sandwich.
    What is red and green and hops?




    A frog in a blender.
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
    The weakness of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web.

  26. #61
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Young rabbit is fed up with eating grass and salad all day every day so decides to try and find something better.
    Hopping along the road he espies a local tavern and goes to investigate.
    Barman serves him a pint and the rabbit asks if they do lunches.
    'yes we do toasties - we have cheese, cheese and onion, cheese and ham, ham and pineapple, and plain ham'
    'Ok I'll have cheese one' says the rabbit, pleased to have something different to eat for a change; and very nice it was too.

    Next day he's back and this time he has a cheese and onion toastie. This goes on for a few days and he has a different toastie every day until one day he tries the ham toastie and drops down dead.

    He ascends to Bunny heaven and is met by st Peter [filling in for someone else I suppose].
    'Well' said St Peter, 'we dont get such young rabbits in here usually, what was it that took you so soon?'
    'Oh' said the rabbit, 'you know, the usual'................



    'Mixing-my-toasties!'

    BoomBoom!
    Yma o hyd

  27. #62
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    What's yellow and very dangerous?



    Shark infested custard.

  28. #63
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    My son William considered joining the Army, but was very leery of the phrase, "Fire At Will".
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  29. #64
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.
    Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
    For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
    One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
    Port Left
    Starboard Right




    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  30. #65
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Hearkening back to the many discussions of religion --

    Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  31. #66
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A snake enthusiast decided to try breeding adders. He set up the ideal habitat, with heat lamps and nesting materials, he kept replenishing his stock of male and female adders, from other breeders, but he had very poor results.

    After a couple of fruitless years, he gave up in frustration, he decided to turn the very expensive habitat into a woodshed. One spring he filled it with green firewood. When autumn came and it was time to use his woodstove. He went to the shed and found nearly a hundred adders.

    He realised there and then: Adders need logs to multiply.

  32. #67
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hwyl View Post
    A snake enthusiast decided to try breeding adders. He set up the ideal habitat, with heat lamps and nesting materials, he kept replenishing his stock of male and female adders, from other breeders, but he had very poor results.

    After a couple of fruitless years, he gave up in frustration, he decided to turn the very expensive habitat into a woodshed. One spring he filled it with green firewood. When autumn came and it was time to use his woodstove. He went to the shed and found nearly a hundred adders.

    He realised there and then: Adders need logs to multiply.
    CONGRATS. I think you win. Worst so far, anyway!!! <G>
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  33. #68
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    CONGRATS. I think you win. Worst so far, anyway!!! <G>
    From you, that's quite a compliment.

  34. #69
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    <snort>
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  35. #70
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

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