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Thread: Bad joke of the day.

  1. #281
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    David G
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  2. #282
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    It's really chilly here this morning. I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  3. #283
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    David G
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  4. #284
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Some joker put up a sign outside the drug rehab place where my wife consults.

    "Keep Off The Grass"

    Not to be outdone, someone sharpied an addition.

    "If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know."
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  5. #285
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

    He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

    At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

    "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"


    The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

    "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."


    The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

    The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

    Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time.

    The man sits down in the chair smiling.


    "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

    "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

    .
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    ....


    "Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor..."
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

  6. #286
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Joe was a farm labourer. all his life he'd lived on a farm , his people before him, and all he wanted to do was be around tractors. Drive them, plough, hedging and ditching , trailering the livestock around... , he'd loved them since he could walk and talk.

    One day the landowner comes over and says ' Joe, times are tough, we have a new satnav controlled combine, works entirely driverless, I'm sorry but I have to let you go.
    Joe is desolated, but after a while he hears of a job in the local tractor dealership. gets the job, but isn't too hot on the computers and paperwork side, and soon leaves. The boss says, ' Joe, how about working in the repair shop, you'll be around tractors all day.'

    So Joe gives it a try but doesn't really get on there either, and after a while he leaves, and wanders the hills and dales, really giving some thought to his whole life and what's to come., and comes to the conclusion maybe there's more to the world than just tractors.
    One day he finds himself in the big busy city and decides to go into a pub and have a pint... He's always worked in the open air, and he finds the pub smokey and smelly and almost unbearable.
    The barmaid comes over and sees his discomfort and says, 'look we're really sorry but the pub's always packed and everyone's smoking and the whole airconditioning system has packed up and the kitchen ventilation system isn't working....'

    Joe looks up from his beer, breathes deeply a few times and then lets out a long deep breath, followed by a massive inhalation that lasts about a minute , and the whole place is completely clear of smoke and cooking smells and the barmaid says wow! that's incredible ! Its totally clear.! are you a professional? is this your job...?

    No says Joe,







    I'm just an ex-tractor fan
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  7. #287
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    My tolerance for bad jokes is generally unlimited but your two guys have exceeded my unlimited limit.
    Tom L

  8. #288
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Lathrop View Post
    My tolerance for bad jokes is generally unlimited but your two guys have exceeded my unlimited limit.
    Yeah, those last two were especially bad.

    ...

  9. #289
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.​
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  10. #290
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Lathrop View Post
    My tolerance for bad jokes is generally unlimited but your two guys have exceeded my unlimited limit.
    Man, if you thought those were bad, there is no way I'm telling you guys about the brick.

    What are you doing about it?




  11. #291
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A bad joke? I think so. Because it's so painfully apt --

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  12. #292
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    The cost of living is so high now. my wife is having sex with me cause she cannot afford the batteries...

    Bada bing bada boom!

  13. #293
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  14. #294
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

    The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

    The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”


    The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready.”


    Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”


    The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.


    The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.


    The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”


    The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”


    The passenger says, “Huh?”


    The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, “I wish that jerk would’ve tried that sh!t with me.”
    Enjoy a good rum on the rocks at sunset.

  15. #295
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Alright, go ahead, its been three days please tell the brick joke
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  16. #296
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I just worry nobody will get it. But OK, here goes...

    This guy (let's call him Bob) inherits a warehouse full of bricks. He sells some of them, and makes enough money to build a new brick house. The builder (whose name really should be Phillip) comes back to him and says, "Bob, your new house looks great, but I've got a bunch of bricks left over. What do you want me to do with them?"

    "Uh... I guess you could build me a matching garage," says Bob.

    So Phillip builds a lovely brick garage to match the house. But there are still some bricks left over, so he asks Bob what he wants done with them.

    "How about a dog house?" suggests Bob.

    So Phillip builds a dog house. When the dog house is done, there's just one lonesome brick left from the entire warehouse full. Phillip brings it to Bob and says, "What do you want to do with this?"

    And Bob takes the brick from him and just... throws it away.

    What are you doing about it?




  17. #297
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    So the builder 'really should be called Phillip'..?

    would it be quite so gut splitting hilarious if the builder wasn't called Phillip?
    just askin'
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  18. #298
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    .


    In honor of ALL the bad jokes!!!


    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  19. #299
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by jonboy View Post
    So the builder 'really should be called Phillip'..?

    would it be quite so gut splitting hilarious if the builder wasn't called Phillip?
    just askin'
    Probably, yes. I just thought I'd name him in honour of our resident bricklayer.

    Wait, was that sarcasm?

    What are you doing about it?




  20. #300
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Flying Orca View Post
    Probably, yes. I just thought I'd name him in honour of our resident bricklayer.

    Wait, was that sarcasm?
    I think... I think... I think it was. But no worries. It was 'bad sarcasm' <G>
    Last edited by David G; 03-13-2018 at 12:24 PM.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  21. #301
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    I think... I think... I think it was. But no worries. It was 'bad sarcasm' <
    Goes with the joke. I said you guys weren't going to like it...

    What are you doing about it?




  22. #302
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Smarter than average apprentice in the woodyard keeps getting splinters in his fingers... finally goes to the master and says 'you have to teach me how to avoid this, maybe I have an attitude problem or something.'.
    Master replies
    ' you don't need no education , you don't need no thought control,
    All in all its just another prick in the whorl'
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  23. #303
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

    He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

    'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

    'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

    So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

    About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.


    'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

    'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

    'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

    'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

    So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

    'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

    'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

    The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

    'I sure did, Dad!'

    'That's my boy!'

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

  24. #304
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A Sydney lad, just out of law school, is on a tour of Queensland in his Range Rover. After jouncing on rough tracks, he pulls up at a black-blocks pub, badly needing to crap.

    He walks in and is eyed by the blokes at the bar, not in a friendly way. He addresses the barman.

    "G'day! I don't see a toilet in here. Could you tell me how to find it?"

    "Customers only. Guess you need a pint."

    "Right." The young man throws some money on the bar.

    "Out the back."

    He steps out and doesn't see anything but a roll of paper on a stick and a big pile of crap under a gum, buzzing with flies.

    Under a nearby gum is a smaller pile, with fewer flies. So he grabs the paper and heads for that.

    As his trousers are at his ankles, the barman comes out and yells:

    "You dirty bugger! Get the hell out of the Ladies!"
    We're merely mammals. Let's misbehave! —Cole Porter

  25. #305
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Ah! So you've been to that pub !
    '' You ain't gonna learn what you don't want to know. ''
    Grateful Dead

  26. #306
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by petersibley View Post
    ah! So you've been to that pub !
    We're merely mammals. Let's misbehave! —Cole Porter

  27. #307
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    As many as will fit in the lightbulb.

  28. #308
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by johnw View Post
    How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    As many as will fit in the lightbulb.
    bbbbbbybs asked me to tell you to Go Start Your Own Thread: "Horrible Joke of the Day" <G>

    And Lew said he's sorry.

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  29. #309
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    And... to wrap up the holiday...

    Why does one not iron the 4-leaf clover?

    Because one never wants to press one's luck.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
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    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  30. #310
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    '' You ain't gonna learn what you don't want to know. ''
    Grateful Dead

  31. #311
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Jokes about sugar are rare

    But jokes about brown sugar, demerara
    Creationists aren't mad - they're possessed of demons.

  32. #312
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Dung beetle walks into a bar, "is this stool taken?"

  33. #313
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by L.W. Baxter View Post
    Dung beetle walks into a bar, "is this stool taken?"
    That is downright painful... and I love it!

  34. #314
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    And you guys didn't like the brick joke?! Tough crowd...

    What are you doing about it?




  35. #315
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Flying Orca View Post
    And you guys didn't like the brick joke?! Tough crowd...
    I didn't understand the brick joke.

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