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Thread: Bad joke of the day.

  1. #1
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    Default Bad joke of the day.

    cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
    “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?”, St. Peter asked.
    “Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.
    ”On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
    I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I'll kick the @#$% out of all of you!’ ”
    St Peter was impressed, ”When did this happen? ”
    ”Couple of minutes ago. ”

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Just goes to show, you shouldn't bite off more than you can chew bobbys. Good advice!

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Nice one..still chuckling
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  5. #5
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    Default

    That was great!

    Kevin


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Good old joke, if you have more, please keep them coming
    Don't worry I'm happy

    "The law is what we have to live with.
    Justice is sometimes harder to achieve."

    Sherlock Holmes

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    bbbbbbbybs should do nothing but tell jokes. Then maybe Scot wouldn't delete his threads... like he seems to have poofed the 'tolerance on the left' thread. Well... at least bbbbbbbbybs himself didn't get poofed. But a word to the wise... he might want to view it as a 'shot across the bow'. Just keep telling the jokes. It's the one thing he sometimes gets right <G>
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    But I'm missing a rant!

    Not really- keep it up, bobbys. A good day.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Don't know if this one has appeared before:

    A couple are shopping in the local supermarket.
    The husband picks up a case of Budweiser, and puts it in the cart.
    "What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.
    "They are on sale- only $10 for 24 cans" says the husband.
    "Put them back- we can't afford them"
    A little later, the wife picks up a $24 jar of face cream.
    "What do you think you are doing?" asks the husband.
    "It makes my face look beautiful" replies the wife.
    "So do 24 cans of Budweiser, and for less than half the price" came the reply.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Good joke, bobbys.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Awesome.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Sort of in the line of my Willamette Valley Guy's guide to Eastern Oregon bars.

    "Avoid bars with lathered horses or hot 4-bys out front, especially if there is blood dripping out under the door."

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    LOL.Birlinn!

    Kevin
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    bbbbbbybs -- I'd tell you a roofing joke, but it's probably going to be over your head


    But for the rest of y'all --


    • Question: Why did the roofer go to the doctor?
      Answer:Because he had a bad case of SHINGLES...

      Question: Why did the roofer have to go to the dentist?
      Answer:He couldn't stop biting his NAILS...

      Question:How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
      Answer: It depends on how thinly you slice them... (ICK!!)
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Bbbbzzzs, THAT was a GREAT joke. I is impressed!

    Now:
    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

    "Morris Feinberg," he replied.

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."


    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."


    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"





    "Nu? Like I'm talking to a (censored) wall."

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Old man appeared before Jesus, it was St. Peter's day off at the Pearly Gates.
    “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?”, St. Peter asked.
    I've worked hard as a carpenter all my life, bit boring really but my son was born under unusual circumstances and went on the become renowned among men.
    Jesus looked at the old man...Father?
    The little old man looked at Jesus...Pinocchio?

    The definition of stupid has got to be the belief that more guns will negate the bloodshed done with guns.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Man is driving past a mental institution when he gets a flat. Takes the hubcap off and places it on the ground. Loosens the four nuts then jacks up the car. Removes the four nuts and puts them in the hubcap. Takes off the flat and starts putting on the spare when he accidentally kicks the hubcap spilling the nuts which roll down a storm drain. Cursing his bad luck he throws his hands up yelling, “Why me? Why me”? Suddenly, a voice comes from within the institution. “You know, you could take one nut from each of the remaining wheels and use them to attach the spare. You’d only have three nuts on each of the four wheels but it should be good enough to get you to the service station!”
    Driver is amazed. Says, “ thank you stranger, I would never have thought of that!” Voice from inside says, “Hey, I may be crazy, but i’m not stupid”.

  18. #18
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    And, David, how much you expose to the weather

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Tom

    "Leave the gun, take the cannolis"

  20. #20
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Did you hear about the magician who turned his car into a liquor store parking lot.

    His son was a constipated mathematician who worked it all out with a pencil.
    Schooner captains love to get blown offshore!

  21. #21
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    Cool Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A man in his 90's, for a Special Birthday Gift from his Grandsons, is sent a Stripper to his home to entertain him. After she rings the bell of his home, she informs him that his grandsons sent her as a special birthday gift, to provide her services. The grandfather asks her, " What do you do?" She said ,"I can provide you "Sup-er Sex". “He says, “Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the Soup!"
    Keep calm, persistence beats resistance.

  22. #22
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Not translated into murican, but:

    A lorry driver was driving one foul night, when he spotted a young lady hitching. Giving her a lift, they got chatting. After a while, she said, "by the way, I'm a witch!"
    "you mean a real witch, and you can turn people into things?"
    "Yes, a real witch"
    "Show me, I don't believe you"

    So she pulled up her skirt and he turned into a lay-by.

  23. #23
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    TSA -- you can't bring food in here

    Me - but it's a service burrito
    Tom

    "Leave the gun, take the cannolis"

  24. #24
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by ccmanuals View Post
    TSA -- you can't bring food in here

    Me - but it's a service burrito
    Man that's a really good point. Sometimes a burrito is the only thing holding me together emotionally.

  25. #25
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by L.W. Baxter View Post
    Man that's a really good point. Sometimes a burrito is the only thing holding me together emotionally.
    .

    If you ever go the seaside go to the ....The Stand..

    All the surfer dudes, workers, locals eat there.

    Owners are friends on mine, however mexican food is something i only eat once inawhile.

    I know what a burrito is but dont know what the other stuff is.

    Sometimes i gave to look around at what they are bringing out or what others are eating and say i will try that..

    If it says mole its good.

  26. #26
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Since there seems to be some OR-e-gone-ists here --

    Q - What does an Oregon Ducks football fan do after his team wins the National Championship?

    A - He turns off the PlayStation.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  27. #27
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    And... a construction site story --


    A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

    The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
    The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
    The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
    The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
    The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
    The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
    The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

    The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  28. #28
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Pickup truck pulls into the lumber yard. Man gets out of the passenger door and walks up to the salesman.

    "We need some 4x2s."

    "Do you mean 2x4s?"

    Man walks back to the pickup. Driver rolls down his window. They converse for a moment. Window rolls back up. Man walks back to the salesman.

    "That's right. 2x4s."

    "How many do you need?"

    Man walks back to the pickup. Driver rolls down his window. They converse for a moment. Window rolls back up. Man walks back to the salesman.

    "125."

    "How long do you want them?"

    Man walks back to the pickup. Driver rolls down his window. They converse for a moment. Window rolls back up. Man walks back to the salesman.

    "A long time, we're building a house."
    Schooner captains love to get blown offshore!

  29. #29
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by SchoonerRat View Post
    Pickup truck pulls into the lumber yard. Man gets out of the passenger door and walks up to the salesman.

    "We need some 4x2s."

    "Do you mean 2x4s?"

    Man walks back to the pickup. Driver rolls down his window. They converse for a moment. Window rolls back up. Man walks back to the salesman.

    "That's right. 2x4s."

    "How many do you need?"

    Man walks back to the pickup. Driver rolls down his window. They converse for a moment. Window rolls back up. Man walks back to the salesman.

    "125."

    "How long do you want them?"

    Man walks back to the pickup. Driver rolls down his window. They converse for a moment. Window rolls back up. Man walks back to the salesman.

    "A long time, we're building a house."
    .

    They asked me at all the lumber yards to stop with this joke already.

    Sometimes theres a new guy though........

  30. #30
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobbys View Post
    .

    They asked me at all the lumber yards to stop with this joke already.

    Sometimes theres a new guy though........
    At one garage I worked at, we sent a new guy out for muffler bearings. Called ahead to 3 parts stores to clue them in. He drove all over trying to find 'em...

    The next morning, we discovered that the coffee sugar was full of plastic ants.
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  31. #31
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Probably need some blinker fluid too
    The only difference between [where I work] and the TITANIC is... The TITANIC had a band.

  32. #32
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by David Tabor (sailordave) View Post
    Probably need some blinker fluid too
    Good point! Thanks for reminding me that I need to get some.
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  33. #33
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Working on the set for the school play when we were about sixteen, we sent one of the girls into town for some glass nails, a left-handed screw driver and a rubber hammer, for the glass nails.
    She came back and said the bloke in the ironmonger's said these were special order items and sent her back down to us with a chit for someone to sign. Laughing like a drain, someone signed the paper and sent her back up. Oh how we laughed.

    half hour later she came back with some glazier's cut brads, a rubber faced mallet and a normal ratchet screwdriver with a label saying left or right handed. and a receipt for about ten quid, (when my saturday job paid 20 pence an hour, about the price of a pint of beer and petrol was 30 pence a gallon )

    The accompanying note drew our attention to the small print that said all special orders were non returnable and carry a non-returnable surcharge of five pounds.
    or something similar . Bill paid in full.
    There was s+++ to pay in the Bursar's office, as she had to be paid, and a couple of years later I discovered she was the daughter of the manager of the ironmonger.
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  34. #34
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Q. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. None. They form a support group for "coping with darkness".

    Nick

  35. #35
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Multi storey car parks: Wrong on so many levels.

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