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Thread: Bad joke of the day.

  1. #211
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    That's a load of old flannel!

  2. #212
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  3. #213
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    man with a paper bag on his head ? (wait a minute )

    and has a car raising device on top of it, (be patient)
    and runs around snapping at yer ankles?......

    Jack Russell hahahahaha
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  4. #214
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Certainly a policy at Harbor Woodworks!!

    Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  5. #215
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Why did the mouse leave home?

    His father was a rat.

    Rick

  6. #216
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ? Here Kitty, kitty, kitty
    '' You ain't gonna learn what you don't want to know. ''
    Grateful Dead

  7. #217
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  8. #218
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    How do you recognise a dyslexic Yorkshireman?

    He's the one wearing the cat flap.

  9. #219
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A wooden boat fancier called into see his doctor, he complained: "My sex drive is too high, can you give me something to lower it?"

    The doctor replied "What are you complaining about? That is remarkable for a man of your age".

    "You don't understand doctor," he replied, "It's all in me head, I want to lower it to between me legs."
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  10. #220
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Most famous one liner of all time.......

    Titanic
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  11. #221
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  12. #222
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Long distance truck driver walks into a brothel and puts six hundred dollars on the counter. He says I want a woman- short, fat, bad breath, bad teeth, varicose veins, vile temper and a mustache. The madam looks surprised and says for six hundred dollars you can have the finest lady in the house. Truck driver says thanks anyway but I'm not actually horny- I'm homesick. JayInOz

  13. #223
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Ouch. That one's bad enough I had to send it to my dad.

    What are you doing about it?




  14. #224
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

    It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

    He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

    He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

    He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

    As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

    He said, "I found the remote".
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  15. #225
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Hahaha! Good one Ian.
    A city feller moves into a cabin in a remote part of Alaska, seeking solitude. Six months go by and he hasn't seen or heard another human being, and then he thinks he hears a knock at the door. He opens it to find a giant of a man, dressed in furs and covered in snow. "Hello", says the stranger. "I'm Lars, your next door neighbor from sixty miles up river. I've come to invite you to my Christmas party". :Well thankyou" says the city feller- "I'll be there!" Lars says "I got to warn you- there'll be some serious drinkin' at this Christmas party". "That's OK- I can handle my drink", says the city feller. Lars says "I should warn you that there's probably gonna be some nasty fighting and some wild sex at this party as well". "Don't you worry about me" says the city feller- "I can handle it". Lars starts to walk off and the city feller calls out "Hey Lars what should I wear to this party?" And Lars says "wear whatever you like- only gonna be the two of us". JayInOz

  16. #226
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    From Urban Dictionary: Recursion - See recursion
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  17. #227
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    For our British friends --

    England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  18. #228
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.




    This is wrong on so many levels...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  19. #229
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Great thread
    Please keep them coming, the badder the better
    Don't worry I'm happy

    "The law is what we have to live with.
    Justice is sometimes harder to achieve."

    Sherlock Holmes

  20. #230
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Bigfella View Post
    Most famous one liner of all time.......

    Titanic
    Q. what do you get if you cross the atlantic with the Titanic

    A. Halfway.
    Yma o hyd

  21. #231
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  22. #232
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
    I see you took Beernd's post to heart!
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  23. #233
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Garret View Post
    I see you took Beernd's post to heart!
    I don't get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.​ <G>
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  24. #234
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    "Wrong on so many levels" is one of the funniest jokes in this entire thread!

  25. #235
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    How can you tell the stage is level?

    The dobro player's drooling out BOTH sides a' his mouth the same...

  26. #236
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  27. #237
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by CWSmith View Post
    "Wrong on so many levels" is one of the funniest jokes in this entire thread!
    It was one of the finalists in the Edinburgh festival a couple of years ago. I take no credit.

  28. #238
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by CWSmith View Post
    "Wrong on so many levels" is one of the funniest jokes in this entire thread!
    I thought the same punchline for multistory carparks way back on page one was better....
    'C'est la vie' say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell

  29. #239
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by jonboy View Post
    I thought the same punchline for multistory carparks way back on page one was better....
    No levels, eh?

    Well... I would tell you one about shop vacuums, but you'd probably say it sucked, too...
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  30. #240
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Another from Edinburgh:

    I just got rid of my old vacuum cleaner- it was only gathering dust.

  31. #241
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Wot's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

    Blimey, y'don't wash yer 'ands in a buffalo, now do yeh?
    "Where we would wish to reform we must not reproach." -Thomas Paine

  32. #242
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by CWSmith View Post
    "Wrong on so many levels" is one of the funniest jokes in this entire thread!
    Quote Originally Posted by Hwyl View Post
    It was one of the finalists in the Edinburgh festival a couple of years ago. I take no credit.
    Quote Originally Posted by jonboy View Post
    I thought the same punchline for multistory carparks way back on page one was better....
    I thought that was the on CW was referring to. I didn't see David G's picture one.

  33. #243
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Another Edinburgh festival

    “As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer"

  34. #244
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    A "Dad" joke
    Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!"


  35. #245
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    Default Re: Bad joke of the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hwyl View Post
    I thought that was the on CW was referring to. I didn't see David G's picture one.
    Sure... NOW you say that, after Ted Hoppe has called you out about taking credit for other's work LOL
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

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