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Thread: I've made it

  1. #1
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    Default I've made it

    I have PTSD something shocking, this is no secret.

    One of the worst symptoms is being hyper alert at all times, from a coma to 104 mph in half a heartbeat. it is very dangerous to approach me when I am asleep or half way there.

    My wife woke me by poking me with a broom handle for the first twenty years of our marriage, I kid you not!!!!

    Yesterday afternoon I was dozing on the lounge after lunch when my grandson Matari came to visit and he came looking for Grandpa.

    Forgetting all the warnings he had been given about me, he came right into my personal space, kissed me between the eyes and quietly said " love you more, grandpa"

    My reaction?

    In spite of the huge surge of Adrenaline I experienced, I reached out, gently cupped his cheek and said "Love you back, big time"

    So? Most people would say that this is a normal interaction between Grandfather and Grandson. Not for barney, I have had to exercise the most incredible self control just to survive.

    This is mind blowing, I am coming home, I have learnt to love and to trust.

    As i write this I am in tears. I dispared of ever being able to interact normally with my family, with my children and grand children.

    This incident proves I am human and not a monster to be feared.

    A new feeling, one I could come to love.

  2. #2
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    Walney, near Cumbria UK
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Good on ya mate.
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
    The weakness of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: I've made it

    That’s great news!
    "Simple minds discuss people, Average minds discuss things, and Great minds discuss ideas".

  4. #4
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    Default Re: I've made it

    My family has many Royal Marines going back 3 generations.. One of my uncles had to be woken with a broom stick by my grandmother. She kept a dozen or so in the garage just for his visits, as he would karate chop them into splinters every time he was woken. Once the wood stopped flying, she'd hand him his morning tea.

    Good news Barney!

  5. #5
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Wishing you many more such grace notes in your life, Barney.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Thanks for sharing Barney, very happy for you mate!
    That little story has lit up my day.
    "People should be able to access these benefits [Social Welfare] as a matter of right, with no more loss of their own standards of self-respect than would be involved in collecting from an insurance company the proceeds of an endowment policy on which they have been paying premiums for years."
    Robert Menzies - Liberal Party (Conservative) Prime Minister of Australia.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: I've made it

    ^ +1 Great progress, Barney !!!


    Rick

  8. #8
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Good news Barney, and continued good luck. I can't imagine how hard it must be.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: I've made it

    good news indeed. My grandson is an absolutely adorable, amoral angel. Very happy for this change in you.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: I've made it

    I'm happy for you, Barney! I really am.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Well done.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: I've made it

    One of my best friends is multiple tour Marine both Iraq and Afghanistan. Saw some sh!t as they say. Came back bounced around some 5150 jail time and fell into the bottle a bit. He's much better now, but don't ever sneak up on him. He's the most situationally AWARE human I've ever met - it's almost like a super power. He's come a great deal closer to being able to relax a bit in "those" situations.

    Best of luck to you and your family sounds like you're dealing with it the best you can. God bless you and your family this time of year.
    This post is temporary and my disappear at the discretion of the managment

  13. #13
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Congratulations, Barney! Best wishes.

    Hope the voyage is a long one.
    May there be many a summer morning when,
    with what pleasure, what joy,
    you come into harbors seen for the first time...

    Ithaka, by Cavafy
    (Keeley - Sherrard translation)

  14. #14
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    Default Re: I've made it

    PTSD is a hard wired condition, but if you keep at it you can wear it down. Also the metabolic rate lessens as you age, and I swear I don't produce the adrenaline I used to, same as the testosterone. That helps. Should be the same for you.

    I'm glad for you Barney. Now that you know you can do it it will become easier. Kind of a slippery slope that you can welcome for a change. Next thing you'll be falling asleep during a bar fight.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Wonderful news. Sounds like you're developing an awareness of awareness. Good work!
    "The future is already here — it's just not very evenly distributed." William Gibson

  16. #16
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Fabulous news, Barney. Continueth!
    Gerard>
    ​Freeland, WA

    Next election, vote against EVERY Republican, for EVERY office, at EVERY level. Be patriotic; save the country.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: I've made it

    There is some hope for us Barney, isn’t there. Love will conquer all if given half a chance. For me, I think, it’s the fear of becoming what I hate that keeps me in check. Making myself available for love is key. It is hard, while living in a world that is filled with contempt, to remain optimistic, but I do . . . And you help.
    "Please be more specific or we'll choose to order a cheaper bilge-rat to replace you."

    ~seanz

  18. #18
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    Default Re: I've made it

    This is the best thing I have read today. Congratulations, sir. May you have many more such small steps.

    Mickey Lake
    'A disciple of the Norse god of aesthetically pleasing boats, Johan Anker'

  19. #19
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Barney - I can't begin to tell you how much I loved hearing that story. I have friends that still suffer from PTSD from the Vietnam era. My wife has both patients and congregants that bear that cross, as both her private practice and her church specialize in people in 'recovery'... and those who care about them. As you might imagine... PTSD plays a role in far too many of her people's lives, and leads to other ills. Aggressive social behavior, substance abuse, broken relationships, difficulty keeping jobs, etc., etc.

    It thrills me beyond words, but not beyond tears, to hear about your progress. My sweetie says, "What a wonderful thing".
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  20. #20
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Very glad for you, Barney.

  21. #21
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    Default Re: I've made it

    I know that feeling.

    It gets better, too!

    Peace,
    Robert

  22. #22
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    Default Re: I've made it

    That is wonderful news wonderfully expressed.
    IMMIGRANTS BUILT AMERICA - IMMIGRANTS BUILD AMERICA

  23. #23
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Quote Originally Posted by Jim Bow View Post
    That is wonderful news wonderfully expressed.
    Indeed. A very sweet-natured tale.
    We're merely mammals. Let's misbehave! —Cole Porter

  24. #24
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Great news, thanks mate. All the very best for a warm and welcoming Christmas.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

  25. #25
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Great news Barney, an achievement. And thanks for trusting us enough to tell us.

  26. #26
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    Default Re: I've made it

    My PTSD has been a shame job all my life, my reactions, the thought processes, I have felt less than human. I just want to be safe, to feel safe and be able to function without the thought and feelings.

    Most people walk into a room, aknowledge the people there and get on with the fun and joy of interacting with others. Me?

    I walk into a room, hyper alert, eyes on stalks, head on a swivel. Check doors, windows, where every adult male is in relation to me. Each male is assigned a threat level. then you know any negative interaction is going to be met with a totally inappropiate level of violent response. Women and children don't constitute a threat. This is done within seconds, without thinking. These actions are very wearing, exhausting and depressing, you try to change but you can't. One of the worst things is the thought that one day I will wake up and think " Pee on this, I'm outa here" and take a long jump with a short rope. That scenario is now unthinkable and will not happen.

    Then the self loathing begins, Why? there is no threat. Nobody wants to hurt you. they are friends, family or colleagues. I know I am broken, it hurts, McMike has the right of it, "The fear of becoming that which I hate," that I cannot express the enormouse love I have for my family and friends, I can't relax.

    I am learning, I am changing I am slowly becoming what I have admired for most of my life.
    I would posit that there are men on this forum who have PTSD every bit as bad as me, you all seem so normal, men without a shred of violence and aggression, How do you do it?
    Age has something to do with it, More than anything else is my vow never to be what the men and women in my childhood were

    As I have said before: I see myself as an intelligent, erudite and above all compassionate and peacefull man.

    Thank you for the responses. When I thought about yesterday afternoon, I was on a high, Another step towards my goal, proof that I could overcome.

    Love conquers all.

    I must say I have a friend in a high place and I had the good sense to marry her. Sue took me on, lumps, bumps, warts and all. She has endured everything that was bad and waited for her husband to come home. After twenty nine years I am home.

    David, Please pass on my deepest respect and admiration to your wife, she is an angel. I know there are many people who would not be able to function without her love, patience and compassion

  27. #27
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    central cal
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Quote Originally Posted by AussieBarney View Post
    My PTSD has been a shame job all my life, my reactions, the thought processes, I have felt less than human. I just want to be safe, to feel safe and be able to function without the thought and feelings.

    Most people walk into a room, aknowledge the people there and get on with the fun and joy of interacting with others. Me?

    I walk into a room, hyper alert, eyes on stalks, head on a swivel. Check doors, windows, where every adult male is in relation to me. Each male is assigned a threat level. then you know any negative interaction is going to be met with a totally inappropiate level of violent response. Women and children don't constitute a threat. This is done within seconds, without thinking. These actions are very wearing, exhausting and depressing, you try to change but you can't. One of the worst things is the thought that one day I will wake up and think " Pee on this, I'm outa here" and take a long jump with a short rope. That scenario is now unthinkable and will not happen.

    Then the self loathing begins, Why? there is no threat. Nobody wants to hurt you. they are friends, family or colleagues. I know I am broken, it hurts, McMike has the right of it, "The fear of becoming that which I hate," that I cannot express the enormouse love I have for my family and friends, I can't relax.

    I am learning, I am changing I am slowly becoming what I have admired for most of my life.
    I would posit that there are men on this forum who have PTSD every bit as bad as me, you all seem so normal, men without a shred of violence and aggression, How do you do it?
    Age has something to do with it, More than anything else is my vow never to be what the men and women in my childhood were

    As I have said before: I see myself as an intelligent, erudite and above all compassionate and peacefull man.

    Thank you for the responses. When I thought about yesterday afternoon, I was on a high, Another step towards my goal, proof that I could overcome.

    Love conquers all.

    I must say I have a friend in a high place and I had the good sense to marry her. Sue took me on, lumps, bumps, warts and all. She has endured everything that was bad and waited for her husband to come home. After twenty nine years I am home.

    David, Please pass on my deepest respect and admiration to your wife, she is an angel. I know there are many people who would not be able to function without her love, patience and compassion
    This post could have been written by me. Every word except Sue. Oh, and you two have 10 years on us.

    I feel such a kinship with you, Brother.

    I don’t need to tell you how rare and special you are, Mate. I’m so happy you’ve had some payoff for all your hard work. I know what it is to change as you’re changing. I am trying, too.

    I fail regularly. My kids call it my Dead Eyes. As a boy, The Incredible Hulk was my hero. Oh, I have a decent handle on him, but Robert can still just disappear in a heartbeat.

    Remember we are animals, and we make ourselves human. You are doing amazing at it, so far. Keep it up! You’re an inspiration.

    Peace,
    Robert

  28. #28
    Join Date
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Barney, reading that made my day ! Well done mate, it's the good fight, the fight to get rid of the demons.
    '' You ain't gonna learn what you don't want to know. ''
    Grateful Dead

  29. #29
    Join Date
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Barney - I'm glad you decided to share your journey with us. I can already see a few results.

    First - You know, on an even more personal level than before, that you are not alone. You're right, PTSD is far too prevalent.

    Second - Kudos to you and amish and anyone else who fosters the conversation about the realities you live... so the rest of us can continue to build understanding.

    Third - You are reminded, as people suffering from any similar malady need to be regularly reminded, that YOU are not the problem. You are just the poor blighter who got tagged by the syndrome. You are paying for the 'sins' of the failures of humans to evolve quicker, become more humane, and forego the situations that cause all of that ongoing suffering.

    And those are just the most obvious and immediate benefits of your bravery in continuing to discuiss the topic.
    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  30. #30
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    new zealand
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Stories like this put a few ****e weeks at work into perspective. Thanks Barney, safe travels on the rest of the journey.

    Pete
    Don't underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers!

  31. #31
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Good on you, Barney.

  32. #32
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Glad you made it Barney.
    May you continue to be blessed by the people who love you.
    Keep calm, persistence beats resistance.

  33. #33
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    Default Re: I've made it

    I kissed my partner awake one morning and nearly got a black eye, she'd had a bad experience as a young woman and the reflexes kicked in.
    The definition of stupid has got to be the belief that more guns will negate the bloodshed done with guns.

  34. #34
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    Default Re: I've made it

    Barney, your presence here is one of the best things about this forum, and I think you should know that. Thank you.

    What are you doing about it?




  35. #35
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    Default Re: I've made it

    I didn't get a chance to write on this as soon as I wanted.

    This is grand. Yeah, the other stuff is "real," but hope is "real" too. The big lie is not the one telling any of us that we're either perfectible or are already perfect - we know that. The big lie is the one telling us that we are doomed to be no better, that there's no hope. For a while others have to hold on to your hope for you, till you've got to the place where you can hold some of it yourself.

    Blessings to you and yours.

    t
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

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