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Thread: Visiting a mate in prison.

  1. #36
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    No. I've emailed the SA embassy too, but frankly I feel I'm clutching at straws.

    Mooched about on Google for SA combat stress type orgs... nothing very useful.

  2. #37
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Quote Originally Posted by lupussonic View Post
    No. I've emailed the SA embassy too, but frankly I feel I'm clutching at straws.

    Mooched about on Google for SA combat stress type orgs... nothing very useful.
    I haven't investigated, but somebody on this Facebook group might be able to point you in the right direction ?

    https://www.facebook.com/samvoint/
    Nick

  3. #38
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    God dammit Whammeler you just made me give up the habit of forever and join Myface. I just messaged them, and also SAMVOZA (we shall remember them type SA Ex-Mil Org linked to that facebook page).

    Thanks Mate.

    No idea what they'll make of it, or even if they can actually do anything. I imagine UK jurisdiction is everything, and in the end it will come down to money for lawyers.

    I am not trying to get him pardoned or released or exonerated or whatever. He committed a crime and that's that. It's just that as usual, there are extenuating circumstances to his incarceration, and perhaps they should go a bit easy on him.

  4. #39
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Martin, you are beginning to over think it. Just be there for him.
    If there is anything that he needs you to do for him, it has got to come from him. He is a grown up now. Give him the opportunity to discuss his needs by all means, but do not go in with an agenda.
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
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  5. #40
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Fair play. If there's anything i could do with a few emails though, that's pretty easy though.

  6. #41
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    What John said in #32, a promise of continuity, of another future visit, something for him to look forward to. I don't know if he has any other visitors, but breaking his time into smaller chunks with regular visits is important. Good luck and best wishes, you're being a good friend.
    Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. H. G. Wells

  7. #42
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    I saw him almost 2 months ago, released, and staying in a halfway house, which he said was full of nonces and couldn't stand it. We had lunch, had a very frank conversation and several laughs, then I drove him to see a flat he was thinking of renting. I left him at the driveway with a hug and the promise of an ear and a hand should he need it, but I had to get back to work.

    Last night I had a text from his estranged wife; he died at the weekend, not sure how, but apparently massive amounts of booze were involved.

    He leaves behind an adorable daughter, 7 years old, and lots of friends that loved him, at least those that knew his story.

    Damn.

  8. #43
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Sorry to be reading this. My condolences.
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
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  9. #44
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    damn
    Simpler is better, except when complicated looks really cool.

  10. #45
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    The battle is over, the out come not good. Sorry.
    PaulF

  11. #46
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Oh bloody hell. So sorry to hear this, for all concerned.
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

  12. #47
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    That is tough. For him and for you. But you cared and that mattered.

  13. #48
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Quote Originally Posted by lupussonic View Post
    Never done it before, looking for advice. Can I bring him a tabacco pipe? What might he really appreciate that I can get for him? He's a UK prisoner, I have a date of Jan the 6th. I'm a bit apprehensive, don't know what to expect. I'm guessing he'll be pretty wired.

    He was an idiot, but actually an understandable one. He also was the best dinghy crew I ever had; he got me out of many scrapes that I got him into in the first place.
    Take books on his subjects of interest, tell him to donate them to the jail library. They're too often underfunded but provide a means of escaping their confinement for a little while.

    John Welsford
    An expert is but a beginner with experience.

  14. #49
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    John, read post #42, please.

  15. #50
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    I did go and see him inside, we sat for an hour and laughed about all the scrapes we got into sailing on the North coast... he was learning Russian and making the best of it. He was disjointed, non-linear, and manic in conversation though. I didn't know what to make of it, but took the advice given here and went in with no agenda and let him lead. It was a tough hour, but worthwhile.

    When I saw him last like I said he was out and trying to find his way through being out. I really thought he had a chance of normalising...given friendship and any help he might need, but I'm no professional. We talked about his PTSD, his war scars, and getting him help with that.

    I still wave at the dots on the shore
    And I still beat my head against the wall
    I still rage and wage my little war
    I'm a shade and easy to ignore

    White wall, I had to paint a door
    I always find that I've been through it before
    Close it up and throw away the key
    Break the code, how happy I could be

    I woke up and I had a big idea
    To buy a new soul at the start of every year
    I paid up and it cost me pretty dear
    Here's a hymn to those that disappear


    Here's to a friend that I could not reach.

  16. #51
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Quote Originally Posted by lupussonic View Post
    Here's to a friend that I could not reach.
    You reached out.
    Quote Originally Posted by lupussonic View Post
    I saw him almost 2 months ago, released, and staying in a halfway house, which he said was full of nonces and couldn't stand it. We had lunch, had a very frank conversation and several laughs, then I drove him to see a flat he was thinking of renting. I left him at the driveway with a hug and the promise of an ear and a hand should he need it, but I had to get back to work.
    And I think that you did reach him.
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

    The power of the web: Anyone can post anything on the web
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  17. #52
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Thanks Nick.

  18. #53
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    dang, that's awful. and it's only compounded by leaving small children behind that have to make sense of it all. sorry about the bad news lup

  19. #54
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    Sorry. You did good, but sometimes it's not enough.

    I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, but wonder if a visit to the wife and daughter would be helpful to them? Share good memories? Anyway, you'll know what's best.

    My sympathies

    Sent from my CPH1851 using Tapatalk
    Last edited by Phil Y; 06-11-2019 at 06:18 PM.

  20. #55
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    Default

    You were there for your friend. Probably no one could have prevented this. Move on as best you can with a clear conscience.

    Kevin


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  21. #56
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    ETA: aw crap. Should have read the second page before responding. Very sorry to hear this, man.

    What are you doing about it?




  22. #57
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Arse! Sorry Martin. You did what anyone else can only do and that is reach out and be there. We are not in control of the other persons thoughts and deeds, he may very well have decided to take away his pain and nightmares. Sad to say, but when the pain runs that deep, thoughts of the other people in this world, no matter how loved, can become lost in the haze.
    You did good, it just does not work out every time........

  23. #58
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    We all just died a little bit.

  24. #59
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Quote Originally Posted by birlinn View Post
    John, read post #42, please.
    Yes, very sad.

    John Welsford.
    An expert is but a beginner with experience.

  25. #60
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Thank you for sharing.
    Even thou this story ended up very sad with the death of your friend, I think sharing the story also help others.

    In my case I have a challenge with a 14 year old boy who is having problems with the law.
    This story has given me renewed motivation not to give up on him.
    "The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man canít do." Captain Jack Sparrow

  26. #61
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    Martin, very sorry to hear of his death. Don't beat yourself up; you reached out to him and did as much, if not more than most would/could have done.
    Nick

  27. #62
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    I had missed this thread originally, but in reading it see that you did nothing but the right thing. I'm sure it hurts, but please hold your head up as a friend who stood by him. If you know his wife well enough, maybe you can be there for her & their daughter as well.

    So many folks who have served live with torment that I cannot imagine.
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  28. #63
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    If change was easy, we'd all do it; if change was impossible, none of us would.

    Lasting positive change is the result of the individual taking responsibility to shift their environment, making choices not so much to resist temptation, but to reflect enough to recognize the particular contexts that tempt us ... and then take active steps to reduce how often we're in those contexts. A smoker who wants to quit stops buying tobacco, slots in something else he has to do at the ritualized times he used to stand outside with the crew for a cig. Etc. A drinker stops working as a bartender, a person on a diet doesn't have crap "comfort foods" in the house.

    My prayer and meditation teachers said to expect ourselves to "relapse," and to not take any such instance as some universal declaration on our worth, our commitment, etc. To recognize the fall, but to just start again. Start again. Yes, acknowledge the fall, but don't succumb to the temptation of that fall ... which is to go into a whole cycle of self-recrimination and despair using the fall as evidence of something ultimate. It isn't - it's just a fall. Start again.

    Start. Again.
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

  29. #64
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    Default Re: Visiting a mate in prison.

    I know how you feel. Exactly.

    And you know how to get a hold of me.

    Peace,
    Robert

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