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Thread: Should he stay or should he go.

  1. #1
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    Default Should he stay or should he go.

    My youngest son graduated college in Dec and got a job in his field in March.
    We have always told the boys once they get a job they need to move out of the house and move forward with their lives.
    It was not a big deal with the first 2 because they got jobs out of state.

    Well we have been charging our 3rd son $100 per week for food and lodging.
    We will give it back to him when he leaves.

    We both love having him and his friends around the house.
    But we have told him he needs to move out this summer.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Another stage of life. You cannot avoid mixed feelings.
    May be some rough water ahead. We're getting new captain.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    So he say or should he go.

    And... the gibberish escalates


    I hate to derail what is bound to be yet another fascinating discussion on a topic critical to our world (and not a distraction or a bit of spin at all, at all)... but I have a question.

    Do you think it's possible that a D.Tramp presidency is triggering a massive cognitive meltdown on the right?
    David G
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    If you are truly a believer in the party of personal responsibility, what has he been doing living at home while he has a job? He should be out trickling down into the local economy!
    "The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
    -William A. Ward



  5. #5
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by John Smith View Post
    Another stage of life. You cannot avoid mixed feelings.
    At my age there are not many more stages of life left.

    At least he has a job in the area and will still see him.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Canoez View Post
    If you are truly a believer in the party of personal responsibility, what has he been doing living at home while he has a job? He should be out trickling down into the local economy!
    Just a practical decision.
    Give him a few months to focus on his job and then he can move out.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Canoez View Post
    If you are truly a believer in the party of personal responsibility, what has he been doing living at home while he has a job? He should be out trickling down into the local economy!
    Urine trickles down.
    It really is quite difficult to build an ugly wooden boat.

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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    ... it's possible that a D.Tramp presidency is triggering a massive cognitive meltdown on the right?
    Tis possible that you're confusing cause and effect
    Someday, I'm going to settle down and be a grumpy old man.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by David G View Post
    So he say or should he go.

    And... the gibberish escalates


    I hate to derail what is bound to be yet another fascinating discussion on a topic critical to our world (and not a distraction or a bit of spin at all, at all)... but I have a question.

    Do you think it's possible that a D.Tramp presidency is triggering a massive cognitive meltdown on the right?
    Nope, folks adapt.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by P.I. Stazzer-Newt View Post
    Tis possible that you're confusing cause and effect
    oh snap
    Simpler is better, except when complicated looks really cool.

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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    How big are his student loan payments (if any), and what's the local rental market like in comparison with his wages and loan payments? If a bachelor suite's gonna leave him in the red every month even if he lives like a monk, maybe you guys can help him figure something out. Which might include living at home longer while paying rent (as you're doing now), might include co-signing a lower interest loan with him to reduce cash-flow issues due to high student loan payments ... which he pays, while living in his own place. Etc. etc. He's still your kid, eh?

    Parenting doesn't stop when your kids come of age, any more than it stopped when they started school. The context through which you model values and mentor growth into a fully-capable adult just changes. FWIW, I still hear my dad's advice in my head though he's been dead 10 years.
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Sounds as if you are violating the zoning laws, and have joined the underground economy.

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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dan McCosh View Post
    Sounds as if you are violating the zoning laws, and have joined the underground economy.
    Oh my goodness!

    Thanks for the howling belly laugh, Dan!!!
    Rattling the teacups.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by TomF View Post
    How big are his student loan payments (if any), and what's the local rental market like in comparison with his wages and loan payments? If a bachelor suite's gonna leave him in the red every month even if he lives like a monk, maybe you guys can help him figure something out. Which might include living at home longer while paying rent (as you're doing now), might include co-signing a lower interest loan with him to reduce cash-flow issues due to high student loan payments ... which he pays, while living in his own place. Etc. etc. He's still your kid, eh?

    Parenting doesn't stop when your kids come of age, any more than it stopped when they started school. The context through which you model values and mentor growth into a fully-capable adult just changes. FWIW, I still hear my dad's advice in my head though he's been dead 10 years.
    He has enough money to live on.
    1. His job pays what he expected for an entry level job in his field.
    So there was no surprise at the pay level.
    2. No student loans because I am paying them off of all 3 of my boys.
    I did not want to have my kids start there adult life in debt.
    3. He has a good car.
    I give him my car as a graduation present and I drive his old Honda.
    The Honda is a typical college, 2 windows do not work and the AC is broken.
    Not a problem because cars are not important to me.

    The biggest issue will be living alone.
    He is the youngest of 3 boys and has always lived with others.
    My guess is he will get a roommate, most likely a HS friend.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    In that case, you've been more than generous. We've also helped our kids to have minimal student debt - in part by offering to have them live at home while taking their first degree, so their scholarships and student jobs could cover their other expenses.

    My daughter has student loan debt from her graduate professional program, and while I'd have been willing to (and was planning to) help her reduce the rate of interest she'd be paying, the debt's not staggering and it's hers to repay. Will be the same for my older lad. In each case, we've encouraged them to take grad programs with actual in-demand professional positions at the far end ... as sounds like happened with your kids.

    I agree, the next thing he needs to learn is how to live independently, while holding that job. It seems to me that your direction to him was very appropriate - and that he'll need to figure out the kind of room-mate dynamics which will allow him to be well prepared to do his day-job. Will be a gift to an eventual spouse too, if he hones skills at how to live like a human being (laundry, groceries, cleaning etc.) before he inflicts himself on a significant other.
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by genglandoh View Post
    So he say or should he go.
    esl?
    Simpler is better, except when complicated looks really cool.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Pless View Post
    esl?
    *SPEW!*

    (Need to show that to SWMBO. Russian, perhaps?)
    "The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
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  18. #18
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    After reading all of the above, I think he should go. Your deadline is fair( and I imagine can be a little blurry if the need arises.)

    Kevin
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  19. #19
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Why not to look at multigenerational housing. You know you will need them in a few years to wipe you butt plus they will have grandchildren around which will keep you happy and occupied. It will be a beautiful thing.



    Last edited by Ted Hoppe; 04-21-2017 at 03:23 PM.
    Self-Awareness Isn't a Magic Bullet, But It Is Step One.
    Politcal posts require a ugly boat photo with each comment. Hope i run out of photos before i run out of comments.

  20. #20
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    I always pictured a "family compound" enclosed by razor wire.
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

  21. #21
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by genglandoh View Post
    He has enough money to live on.
    1. His job pays what he expected for an entry level job in his field.
    So there was no surprise at the pay level.
    2. No student loans because I am paying them off of all 3 of my boys.
    I did not want to have my kids start there adult life in debt.
    3. He has a good car.
    I give him my car as a graduation present and I drive his old Honda.
    The Honda is a typical college, 2 windows do not work and the AC is broken.
    Not a problem because cars are not important to me.

    The biggest issue will be living alone.
    He is the youngest of 3 boys and has always lived with others.
    My guess is he will get a roommate, most likely a HS friend.
    Raise his rent to $500.00/week and he will find a better deal. Oh,and tell him about girls...

  22. #22
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by TomF View Post
    I always pictured a "family compound" enclosed by razor wire.
    maybe stone walls with broken wine bottles on top?
    Simpler is better, except when complicated looks really cool.

  23. #23
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Pless View Post
    maybe stone walls with broken wine bottles on top?
    Self-Awareness Isn't a Magic Bullet, But It Is Step One.
    Politcal posts require a ugly boat photo with each comment. Hope i run out of photos before i run out of comments.

  24. #24
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Why not to look at multigenerational housing. You know you will need them in a few years to wipe you butt plus they will have grandchildren around which will keep you happy and occupied. It will be a beautiful thing.
    I grew up that way. But just in a plain old big sprawling house with a finished basement and attic, not some planned-living work of art.

    It was me and my sibs; parents; 4 grands; and a great grandmother ( we called her, " The Colonel Nana" )Also, at various times, two divorced uncles, and several older cousins. Cousins, neighbors and school friends were always sleeping over.

    I hated it as a kid at one point, but at other times it was great. Looking back, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was a good thing on a lot of fronts.

    Kevin

    Kevin
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  25. #25
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breakaway View Post
    I hated it as a kid at one point, but at other times it was great.
    this!
    Simpler is better, except when complicated looks really cool.

  26. #26
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breakaway View Post
    I grew up that way. But just in a plain old big sprawling house with a finished basement and attic, not some planned-living work of art.

    It was me and my sibs; parents; 4 grands; and a great grandmother ( we called her, " The Colonel Nana" )Also, at various times, two divorced uncles, and several older cousins. Cousins, neighbors and school friends were always sleeping over.

    I hated it as a kid at one point, but at other times it was great. Looking back, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was a good thing on a lot of fronts.

    Kevin

    Kevin
    When my father-in-law died we asked my mother-in-law if she wanted to move in with us.
    She jumped at the idea.
    We build a 1st floor bedroom with kitchenette and expanded the 1/2 bath into a full bath.

    It was great she was a very nice women and it taught the boys a good like lesson.
    She only lived for 1 1/2 years but she was happy.

  27. #27
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    It's graduated from . . . .
    "Please be more specific or we'll choose to order a cheaper bilge-rat to replace you."

    ~seanz

  28. #28
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.


    We build a 1st floor bedroom with kitchenette and expanded the 1/2 bath into a full bath.
    Unused now? What a great opportunity to host a refugee family such offers.
    Simpler is better, except when complicated looks really cool.

  29. #29
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Pless View Post
    Unused now? What a great opportunity to host a refugee family such offers.
    I am using it as my home office.

  30. #30
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    genglandoh's question perfectly encapsulates the conservative, right-wingnut dilemma.

    The ideological right-wing response would be: throw him out! He needs to sink or swim on his own!

    But then the liberal (humane) ideology of love, compassion, and tolerance rears its ugly head and they compromise their insane principles to help someone near and dear to them.

    But by all means our fellow citizens need to all rely upon their own resources!

    Crazy chit.
    Last edited by Tom Montgomery; 04-21-2017 at 08:45 PM.
    What is the least often heard sentence in the English language? That would be: “Say, isn’t that the banjo player’s Porsche parked outside?”


  31. #31
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Geng, if you like having him around and he's paying rent, what's the problem? Families used to share housing a lot more than they do now. We may simply be returning to an older pattern.

  32. #32
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by johnw
    Families used to share housing a lot more than they do now. We may simply be returning to an older pattern.
    Of course!

    I consider genglandoh's "dilemma" to be very odd.
    What is the least often heard sentence in the English language? That would be: “Say, isn’t that the banjo player’s Porsche parked outside?”


  33. #33
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Montgomery View Post
    Of course!

    I consider genglandoh's "dilemma" to be very odd.
    Starting pay ain't what it used to be. I say let the lad save up some money, maybe someday he can own a home.

  34. #34
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    Quote Originally Posted by genglandoh View Post
    At my age there are not many more stages of life left.

    At least he has a job in the area and will still see him.
    I was told to leave home when the time came, that was hard. I waited until I thought that our son was about ready then told him that if he wished to have a place of his own, that I'd spot him some money to get the rent started and would use our horse trailer to move him. That way he felt empowered to make his own decision rather than being pushed out.

    Seemed to work, we're still on good terms.

    John Welsford
    An expert is but a beginner with experience.

  35. #35
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    Default Re: So he say or should he go.

    John, I think you have expressed the priorities well. My brother said his theme in parenting was to aim for a great relationship with people he respected when they were grown.
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

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