Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 35 of 51

Thread: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    http://www.online-stopwatch.com/coun...-patricks-day/
    Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.


    He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no"


    Please feel free to add your favorite Irish joke here!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    527

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Two Irish guys emigrate to Canada and start looking for a job. They see a sign on the office of a logging company "Tree Fellers Wanted". Pat says to Mike, "Too bad your brudder didn't come wit' us. We could have applied for dat job!"

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

    The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'. Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk.

    After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    18,000

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Good ones!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back
    'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy
    'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy
    'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy.
    'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy
    'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy
    'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'
    'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Hush! General you're always after me lucky charms!!!


  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    I'd make you a hellva deal on the wimmins! But I'm keeping the beer!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.' 'I'm sorry sir, I...........'
    'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Winnipeg MB
    Posts
    14,075

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    A Gardaí outside Doolin pulls over a vehicle for erratic driving. The driver turns out to be a priest, and his breath smells strongly of wine.

    "Have you had anything to drink?" inquires the officer.

    The priest replies, "Just some water."

    The officer picks up the bottle next to the priest and gives it a sniff, and says, "Funny, it smells a lot like wine."

    "Good Lord!" says the priest. "He's done it again!"

    What are you doing about it?




  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine?

    An immigrant.



    If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?


    An American.




    What’s the difference between the US and yogurt?

    If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Possibly the funniest America joke I've heard recently:

    America is like the really bad flatmate of the world:

    'Oh sorry, did I break all your sh!t? I d'n't know it was yours. Yeah, I'll replace it sometime... with my stuff.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2000
    Location
    Lake of the Ozarks USA
    Posts
    9,305

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Me dear oll gran-mum watched me broother an me target shootin wiff our rifles. As she walked back into the kitchen she was shaking her head and saying, "Irish hands...Irish hands...they fit around sword handles and whiskey bottles..."

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Fredericton, New Brunswick
    Posts
    28,897

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Skip? Orca? In my magnificent BROTM generosity, I'll bestow on youse guys whatever little trinket of a "lord this" or "sir that" you want. That's twice I startled the neighbours within 2 minutes.
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Fredericton, New Brunswick
    Posts
    28,897

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    BTW Orca, you guys playing anywhere for the "Bringing In the Green" season? Killer that St. Pat's falls on a Friday this year ...

    Alas, I'm not playing, and will have to settle for listening to other blokes.
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Quote Originally Posted by TomF View Post
    Skip? Orca? In my magnificent BROTM generosity, I'll bestow on youse guys whatever little trinket of a "lord this" or "sir that" you want. That's twice I startled the neighbours within 2 minutes.

    Hahaha!

    You can call me Queen for the day!


  16. #16
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    18,000

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Quote Originally Posted by SKIP KILPATRICK View Post
    What’s the difference between the US and yogurt?

    If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
    We have a culture. It's objectionable and shallow, but we have it.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Fredericton, New Brunswick
    Posts
    28,897

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Quote Originally Posted by SKIP KILPATRICK View Post
    Hahaha!

    You can call me Queen for the day!

    Lol! Done!
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    527

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    We have a culture. It's objectionable and shallow, but we have it.
    It is also one of your major exports.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    East Quogue,NY
    Posts
    12,408

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Which Irishman appears most regularly in Spring?


    Patio Furniture

    Kevin
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    East Quogue,NY
    Posts
    12,408

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Irish foreplay: ( Think in a brogue)

    " Prepare yourself, Bridget!"

    Kevin
    There are two kinds of boaters: those who have run aground, and those who lie about it.

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Okay I have to do this.......

    So, have you heard of my too gay Irish buddies, Gerald Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzgerald?

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    18,000

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Quote Originally Posted by robm View Post
    It is also one of your major exports.
    Hey, someone is buying it. I'm not proud, but it takes two.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Fredericton, New Brunswick
    Posts
    28,897

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Dang dang dang...
    If I use the word "God," I sure don't mean an old man in the sky who just loves the occasional goat sacrifice. - Anne Lamott

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Yabba Dabba Doo!!!! My three day weekend begins now! Happy St. Patrick's to one and all!


  25. #25
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    527

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    And people lap it up. Some of it is good. Some we could do without.

    I remember a few yeas ago, the major beef the US had with China was selling knockoff DVD's of movies in the street markets. Trading movies for consumer goods.

    Pat is trying to measure the mast on his daysailer, but can't get the tape measure to go up high enough without folding over, or keep it hooked on the top. His buddy comes over and says, "Why not just pull it out, lay it down, and I'll hold the end."

    "But that will tell me how long the mast is. I need to know how high it is!"

  26. #26
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Tacoma, WA
    Posts
    6,871

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    I'm reading "The Immortal Irishman" by Timothy Egan. Your various Irish jokes make you sound like a bunch of Victorian era Pommies.

    “What, Me Worry?". -. A. E. Newman

  27. #27
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    527

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    If black people can use the "N" word, I reckon Skip and I can tell Irish jokes.

  28. #28
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Hills of Vermont, USA
    Posts
    19,017

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Keep 'em coming guys! This mongrel (english/welsh/dutch/belgian/scandahoovian) is enjoying this!

    I do wonder though - how well do they fitz? And do they have fitz after they fitz? So many questions...
    "If it ain't broke, you're not trying." - Red Green

  29. #29
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    18,000

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Quote Originally Posted by robm View Post
    If black people can use the "N" word,......
    I'm enjoying the jokes and I'm 1/4 Irish, but I have never understood or liked this.

  30. #30
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Winnipeg MB
    Posts
    14,075

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Quote Originally Posted by TomF View Post
    BTW Orca, you guys playing anywhere for the "Bringing In the Green" season? Killer that St. Pat's falls on a Friday this year ...

    Alas, I'm not playing, and will have to settle for listening to other blokes.
    I'll most likely be at the Irish Club with the Thursday night traditional music folks. I'm there most weeks, although lately I've been sidelined by a split in one of my fretting fingers.

    What are you doing about it?




  31. #31
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    527

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    but I have never understood or liked this
    I suspect it is because they know he doesn't mean it, if the person using the word is black too.

    Political correctness means we can only tell jokes about ourselves, and even that can get you in trouble.
    Last edited by robm; 03-16-2017 at 07:06 PM.

  32. #32
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Richmond, Virginia
    Posts
    1,482

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’
    The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

    The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

    The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

    The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

    ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

    The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

    The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’


    The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’
    The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

    The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

    The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’

    About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

    Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

    Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

    ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

  33. #33
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    18,000

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Pat and Mike go out for a round of golf.

    Mike comes home and his wife asks, "How was the game?"

    "Awful!" he says. "Pat dropped dead on the first hole!"

    "That's terrible!" his wife says.

    "Yes. All day long it was the same thing - hit the ball, drag Pat, hit the ball, drag Pat,..."




    I often think of this when I'm trying to get something useful done at work.

  34. #34
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Tuckahoe
    Posts
    7,176

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Dear Sir

    I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
    For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
    My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
    And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today.

    Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
    To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
    The foreman wasn't very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
    He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

    Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
    So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
    But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
    That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

    And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
    And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
    I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
    That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

    Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
    And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
    I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
    And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

    Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
    I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
    Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
    When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

    The force of this collision, half way up the office block
    Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
    Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
    And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

    I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst
    But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
    A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
    As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

    The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
    And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
    It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
    That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.
    Steve Martinsen

  35. #35
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Texas ya'll
    Posts
    988

    Default Re: Countdown to St. Patrick's Day

    Nice memories of Ireland...

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •