Having a problem with my insurance company

[Rum_Pirate]

My car had a little bump with a tree at the side of the road last night after leaving the beach bar.

There was a Police car following me.

The Policeman asked what the heck I was doing swerving from side to side and all over the road.

Fortunately we don't have breathalysers here.

I explained as soberly as I could that I was trying to avoid the trees.

"What trees?" he asked.

As is pointed to the first tree, it was then I realised I had been swerving to avoid the air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.

I am still trying to come up with an appropriate explanation for my insurance Company claim.

Suggestions?

[Rum_Pirate]

.




.





.





.






.






.





.




.

[Norman Bernstein]

You asked for a suggestion?

Come up with better jokes

[Rum_Pirate]

You asked for a suggestion?

Come up with better jokes

I'm trying to doing my best(?), seeing you aren't posting any.

I suggest you post some good ones and set the standard/bar for us tellers of poor jokes.

[Norman Bernstein]

I'm trying to doing my best(?), seeing you aren't posting any.

I suggest you post some good ones and set the standard/bar for us tellers of poor jokes.

I'll be happy to. I have an inventory of terrific Jewish jokes, but it's on my machine in my office, and what with my current contract gig, I only get to my office once a week. I'll try to remember.

In the meanwhile, here's a moderately funny little one:

An IRS agent comes to see Rabbi Shmulevitch, in the synagogue.

"Do you have a congregant named Sam Schwartz in this synagogue?", he asks.

The Rabbi nods...."Yes, Sam is a member of the congregation."

The IRS asks, "Did he contribute $20,000 to the temple this year?"

"He will," the Rabbi replies.

[Rum_Pirate]

I'll be happy to. I have an inventory of terrific Jewish jokes, but it's on my machine in my office, and what with my current contract gig, I only get to my office once a week. I'll try to remember.

Look forward to it, but be careful as you may fall foul to the anti-anti-Semetic(is that the right/correct description?) forumites on this forum?

[Flying Orca]

Semitic is probably the term you're looking for. I think that in the Bilge the anti-Semitic are way outnumbered by the anti-semantic...

[seanz]

I've seen formites become all unbalanced and start posting anti-symmetrical rants......

[Shang]

A friend of mine, while driving home one evening, noticed red and blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror. He stopped, against the front wall of a pizza shop, and presently asked the officer, "What seems to be the problem,officer"?

The gentleman with the brass buttons on his chest explained that it had do with my friend's driving,

...He had just mowed down two mail boxes and had his own license plates lodged in the mail-slot of the third mail box.

[Vince Brennan]

Good 'ol boy weaving home at night gets stopped by the local yokel...

After a few sniffs, the ossifer asks our friend if he has any I.D.


" 'Bout whut?", asks Jethro...

[David W Pratt]

So, Norman, if you find yourself at a Jewish wedding (and I hope you do, mazeltov) how do you know if it is orthodox, Hassidic, or Reform?
If the bride is pregnant, it's orthodox,
If the mother of the bride is pregnant, Hassidic,
If the Rabbi is pregnant, Reform.

[Domesticated_Mr. Know It All]

The best jokes I can't post here or I'll get the boot.

[beernd]

Moishe takes a walk on the beach at Zandvoort, he stumbles upon something, it's a nice looking bottle.
He starts rubbing it to clean it pulls of the cork, out comes the genie.
"Master you have liberated me, now make a wish"
"You know what would be nice", Moishe says, "to have bridge right across the atlantic ocean, so I can get in my car and just drive over to visit my cousins in New York"
The genie hesitates, and says "You know that is one big ocean to cross, could yo please wish for something different?"
"Oh Sure", Moishe says, "How about teaching my wife to handle money correctly?"
Genie says, "Hey mister, that bridge over the Atlantic ocean, you want that a six lane or an eight lane one"

[Flying Orca]

Must be the same bottle Pat and Mike found. They were out fishing, see, when Pat dropped the oars overboard, leaving them lost at the mercy of the wind and currents. Pat told Mike to go look in the cubby to see if there was anything useful, and all he could find was a bottle. Being Irish, they quickly opened it.

So the genie told them the drill, one wish and all, and since Mike found the bottle, he got to make it. He squints and scratches his chin, and then says, "I wish the whole ocean was made of Guinness!" And POOF, the genie disappears... and the sea around them takes on a mighty suspicious hue of foamy goodness. Mike leans over the gunwale, has a sip, and comes up beaming.

And there's Pat, scowling at him, and poor Mike can't figure out what he's done wrong. He asks Pat, "What's the matter?" And Pat says, "Aw, nice going, Mike. Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat..."