I guess I'll take it with me when I go

[Phillip Allen]

I don't even wish to take it with me. I want to leave it behind but I seem doomed to take all my disappointments along like an unwanted burden. How can I lay it down?

I decided to force myself to write something. It's a ramble but it's all I can achieve. I won't even get very far...

Why does everything have to be so disconnected? I still sing but now I sing out of tune. If I don’t sing out of tune then I choke up. It’s the only way I can get through the song. I have to make a joke out of it. It’s tiresome but I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop.

Every time I think I might share my thoughts, I let it slip away. I am afraid to write it down. I am afraid because I know it won’t mean as much to others as it means to me and I’m afraid of yet another disappointment. It would be tragic theater and no one wants to hear it anyway, not even my own kids. Still, I sometimes wish I knew how to write it down. Maybe just so I could see it all again. Just to renew the ache for a while so I won’t have to feel nothing for a while. It’s like touching a sore to see if it still hurts and feeling reassured by the pain.

I know where I went wrong. Well, at least I know some of those places. There’s no use in turning back the clock even if I could. I’d be just as stupid next time around; I guess that makes me a fatalist.



now I have to try and get some sleep and get up and walk in the morning

[seanz]

You can't live in the past Phillip, you can only live in the moment.

Hope you get a good nights sleep.

[hokiefan]

The way to write it down is simply to pick up a pen and a pad and start writing it down. Think a thought, write if down. Circle back later to edit, rephrase, etc. Don't be subtle, just write it down. Once you've begun whatever you have to say will come out.

I'm not a creative writer. I am a decent technical writer and the same rules apply. Just start. Once there is something on paper you can begin to shape it.

Best wishes.

Bobby

[bobbys]

Only me and Glenn are perfect and im not sure about him sometimes...

[skipper68]

UGHH. Get a notary to confirm. Please tell them -read this in ten years.

[skuthorp]

G'day Phillip, First of all you didn't 'get it wrong'. You just made another choice and OK maybe it wasn't the best one in retrospect but we don't live our lives in slow motion or re-run. There's a phrase attributed to Lennon. "Life is what happens to you whilst you are trying to decide what to do with it". Writing is a good idea, I write out stuff all the time, and I reckon longhand is better still. All those spelling errors, crossed out bits, blotted out paragraphs and torn up sheets are part of the thinking process, part of getting it straight in your head. It's sort of like having a discussion with yourself, or even an argument, and when you get it sort of straightened out and a week or three you read it again and think, "what is this rubbish?" you can start a fire with it and BBQ a good steak. And you don't have to 'know how to write', it doesn't matter, it doesn't have to be sequential or logical, arrows up and down are part of your internal discussion.
Just grab a big fat pad and have at it Phillip. A little alchohol may help, a little I said. And sing while you do it, out of tune is normal for me but I know a lot of songs.
Now, Fatalism. I had my little bit of a revelation a few years back whilst solo sailing. Nothing religious mind you, a male voice said clearly to me "Fatalism is the art of managing change", and managing change and getting the best out of it is what changed my attitude to life.
Hope this helps a bit philip, we attack each other far to often when we are rattling the keyboard, we're only here for a short while and it's a pity to waste it on acrimony.

[Chris Coose]

There are practices, traditions, rituals etc.that allow a person to let down the load they have been accumulating. Doesn't sound like you are too successful doing that on your own. Seek some direction outside yourself. I've watched older men get crushed into a pile by the load.

[Mrleft8]

Despite your protestations, I'm quite sure that what you say and do does indeed have an important effect on those you care about.
The energy and care that you put into doing things with your grand daughters makes a great impression on them. They may not show it right now, at least not to you, but it does make an impact.
And there's no way you can "take it with you" and not leave any behind, because, like it or not, you have had an effect on most of the people that have met you..... (Even Joe (csoh) )

[Phillip Allen]

good morning

well, I'm surprised by the responses. NOt bad at all, I am encouraged (I even forced myself out of bed at first light and walked for about 25 minutes). The successful walk is a good start... did you know the flowers are in bloom all over? what a heady, whiffy smell

[Mrleft8]

good morning

well, I'm surprised by the responses. NOt bad at all, I am encouraged (I even forced myself out of bed at first light and walked for about 25 minutes). The successful walk is a good start... did you know the flowers are in bloom all over? what a heady, whiffy smell

Flowers? Is that what that smell is? I thought it was the neighbor's septic tank overflowing..... It's too cold for flowers here....31f this morning.

[Phillip Allen]

67 degrees here I'm sittin under the fan after walking and a shower... still trying to cool off

[Paul Pless]

did you know the flowers are in bloom all over? what a heady, whiffy smell

Flowers? Not your typical manifesto fare. . .

[Mrleft8]

67 degrees here I'm sittin under the fan after walking and a shower... still trying to cool off

Tell ya what...... I'll trade you some of this cold weather for some of your fat. I need the fat, and you need the cold.... Fair trade?

[Phillip Allen]

Tell ya what...... I'll trade you some of this cold weather for some of your fat. I need the fat, and you need the cold.... Fair trade?

I could give you all my fat and you'd still have to stand twice to make a shadow

[John Smith]

Feelings can be the most difficult thing to express. Very hard sometimes to put into words.

Our lives are the sum total of decisions we make within a framework that we are born into. We are told we can be anything we want, but that's no really true. Some things require skills or size that we simply don't have. We may have health issues that we have not chosen.

Life within that framework is an endless stream of decisions, some more important than others. Some small decisions at the time are more important than we think. The other thread on Hitler's book be published reminds me of how close he came to getting into art school and how different history might have been had he gone to art school.

I expect we all can look back at our lives and wonder about making diffeent decisions, but we can't know what they would have led to.

I wish you luck in your efforts and hope you find the words you are looking for.

[LeeG]

Phillip, I've been using melatonin to get a nights sleep. If you're having inadequate sleep it can really screw with general well being.

[John Smith]

Phillip, I've been using melatonin to get a nights sleep. If you're having inadequate sleep it can really screw with general well being.

Excellent advise.

[Phillip Allen]

what would I do if I started getting enough sleep and discovered that I'm a wild-eyed liberal?

[LeeG]

what would I do if I started getting enough sleep and discovered that I'm a wild-eyed liberal?

Chronic poor sleep is bad for your health.

[Phillip Allen]

Chronic poor sleep is bad for your health.

I'm working on it... sleep apnea
got the machine and I take pills and such... I get enough sleep but it's spread out over the 24 hour day in 2 and 3 hour increments

[Canoeyawl]

what would I do if I started getting enough sleep and discovered that I'm a wild-eyed liberal?

"The truth will set you free"

[skuthorp]

Hi Philip, been thinking about you. It's times like this the distance really bites. Is your sleep apnea tied to weight or just, like my cousin, a physical formation at the back of the nose or mouth? He has had some success with exercises to tone up the muscles in his throat (he makes wonderful faces). But it's only a partial solution.

[skuthorp]

bump

[Phillip Allen]

Hi Philip, been thinking about you. It's times like this the distance really bites. Is your sleep apnea tied to weight or just, like my cousin, a physical formation at the back of the nose or mouth? He has had some success with exercises to tone up the muscles in his throat (he makes wonderful faces). But it's only a partial solution.

probably weight... I'm trying to reduce but it is slow going

[skuthorp]

Have you tried one of those beds that hinge in a couple of places so you can sit a little upright in bed without bruising your but? This is a hospital version but you can see how it works, they bend under the knees as well. Cousin has one in the spare room for very bad nights so his wife can sleep properly too.

[Phillip Allen]

I don't sleep on my back

[skuthorp]

Hmm, have you tried a nose clip, just below the septum to open the airway, or is the problem further back? Like a slack roof of the mouth?

(Maybe we should be talking of this personal stuff by PM?)

[Phillip Allen]

Hmm, have you tried a nose clip, just below the septum to open the airway, or is the problem further back? Like a slack roof of the mouth?

(Maybe we should be talking of this personal stuff by PM?)

I believe the problem is weight... I started this at about 270 pounds... I believe if I can get much closer to 200 pounds that lots of things will get better... I"m working on it

[LeeG]

Hell if I got closer to 200 lbs it would be an improvement. I'm 10lbs lighter than 3 mo ago but have stalled out. Rumor has it that eating less and exercising more is the solution.

[seanz]

Hmmm, just did some converting and calculating......looks like I've got to lose 27 more pounds this year to get to my target weight.

Walking is good but I've started doing light stuff at the gym seems to be working (lost 5 pounds last week, aren't first weeks great?) so I'll stick with it for a month.

The exercise does improve the outlook, that's for sure.

[skuthorp]

Phillip, gym and exercises are soulless, why don't you do what you like to do, hunting? Not necessarily with a gun
all the time either, take a camera, see how close you can get to things, how still you can be in tension. Did you, like me in the bush here, stalk wildlife just to observe and get as close as you could without spooking them?
Just a thought.

[Phillip Allen]

Phillip, gym and exercises are soulless, why don't you do what you like to do, hunting? Not necessarily with a gun
all the time either, take a camera, see how close you can get to things, how still you can be in tension. Did you, like me in the bush here, stalk wildlife just to observe and get as close as you could without spooking them?
Just a thought.

that is why I am trying to get back into riding horses... it may not be much but it is something

[Chip-skiff]

I don't have a remedy for despair. But your original post is a good bit of writing, very clear and heartfelt. So if you fail in feeling connected to humankind, it's not because you lack in talent or skill.

The desire to allow others to see and feel as you do is at the center of any decent writer's impulse. But it also needs tempering with the realization that your words, at their most powerful, will cause your reader to see and feel in a way that mixes your experience with his.

It's not just a matter of passing on your experience and memory, like a package. There has to be something offered, risked, to which each reader adds a personal offering or risk. It's not simply entertainment.

I appreciate what you're saying, and trying to say.

Chip

[Phillip Allen]

I don't have a remedy for despair. But your original post is a good bit of writing, very clear and heartfelt. So if you fail in feeling connected to humankind, it's not because you lack in talent or skill.

The desire to allow others to see and feel as you do is at the center of any decent writer's impulse. But it also needs tempering with the realization that your words, at their most powerful, will cause your reader to see and feel in a way that mixes your experience with his.

It's not just a matter of passing on your experience and memory, like a package. There has to be something offered, risked, to which each reader adds a personal offering or risk. It's not simply entertainment.

I appreciate what you're saying, and trying to say.

Chip

thank you
When I think of comunication through writing, I think of poetry...
poetry works only it can dovetail with the experience of the reader... otherwise there isn't enough to make a story (I like shosrt poems). Said another way, a poem must have a symbiotic connection with the experience(s) of the reader