"AAAAaaaaaassssshOOOOOOooooole"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry....How was I to know you were going to ROB YOUR OWN HOUSE?" Otto: Don't call me stupid.
Wendy: Why on earth not?
Wanda: Let's make love.
Archie: Well, if you absolutely insist...
Archie: I used to box for Oxford.
Otto: I used to kill for the CIA.
Airline Employee: Aisle or window, smoking or non?
Otto: What was the part in the middle?
Wanda: The central message of Buddhism is not "every man for himself"!
Otto: We did not lose Vietnam! It was a tie!
Wanda: I'll be right back, take your clothes off.
Otto: You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, Fish face, dickhead, asshole.
Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
Otto: You are the vulgarian, you fish!
[Otto dangles Archie out a window.]
Archie: All right, all right, I apologize.
Otto: You're really sorry!
Archie: I'm really really sorry, I apologize unreservedly.
Otto: You take it back!
Archie: I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
Otto: OK.
Wanda: You just wanted to get me into bed.
Archie: I fell in love with you.
Wanda: How come you dumped me then.
Archie: I wasn't rich enough, remember.
Wanda: Say something in Russian.
Archie: No.
Otto West: Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K-Red-27 technique. Wendy: My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjinsinjin, and I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are "debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house."
Otto: Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fishing province in the Russian Empire, that's what. So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me!
Wanda: To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep who could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it!
Archie: You make me feel free!
Wanda: Free?
Archie: Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?
Wanda: Yeah!
Archie: Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?
Wanda: No.
Archie: He's no idea?
Wanda: He doesn't have a clue.
Archie: What?
Wanda: He's so dumb...
Archie: Really?
Wanda: ...he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.
Otto: Pork away pal. Fish her blue.
Wanda: Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself," and the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.
One of the funniest scripts ever written. Swear warning
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Originally Posted by skuthorp
