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Thread: ***** August Joke Thread ******

  1. #71
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by doorstop View Post
    A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing
    landmines that look like prayer mats.

    It’s doing quite well apparently. He says prophets are going through the roof.
    Mate, I can almost smile at that.... but having just come back from a trip where I saw, literally, hundreds of land mine victims... I'll stifle it. If St Peter want's an assistant to "deal with" land mine proponents.... I'm his man
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  2. #72
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    fair call Ian, I am just a sucker for word play...
    Bald, ugly, not too bright but incredibly sexy in an unattractive sort of way....

  3. #73
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by doorstop View Post
    fair call Ian, I am just a sucker for word play...
    Yeah - I'm with you on that... but my travelling partner and I just shed some tears on that one. Land mines and cluster bombs are one of our biggest blights on our fellow man.

    Enough....

    Send those buggers through the roof.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  4. #74
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    The president of the university a couple of blocks from my place, a fellow named Lloyd Axworthy, was instrumental (in his previous political career) in advancing the Ottawa Treaty banning antipersonnel mines. It's a pity the usual suspects haven't joined the 156 countries that did sign on.

    What are you doing about it?




  5. #75
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    I did a preliminary design on a device that was self propelled and would drive over areas and trip those types of mines....tried to get some agencies interested in it and not a taker...I was willing to give it away for free if the builder would limit his profit margin to 5%........
    Wakan Tanka Kici Un
    ..a bad day sailing is a heckuva lot better than the best day at work.....
    Fighting Illegal immigration since 1492....
    Live your life so that whenever you lose, you're ahead."
    "If you live life right, death is a joke as far as fear is concerned."

  6. #76
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
    orders three mugs of Coors. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
    flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
    Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in
    Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

    So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

    He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

    All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
    When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
    "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
    and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't
    affected my brothers though."
    Steve Martinsen

  7. #77
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . . . .
    Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

    * Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
    * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
    * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

    Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
    Think about this:
    1. Cows
    2. The Constitution
    3. The Ten Commandments

    COWS
    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
    THE CONSTITUTION
    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
    THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

  8. #78
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Irish burial at sea
    Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and
    the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
    After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
    Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
    After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
    Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was
    only up to his chest.
    So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when
    suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
    'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel..'

  9. #79
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Two Irishmen were adrift in a ilfeboat when their ship went down. After drifting for days without food and water they found a small wooden box floating next to them. When they opened it they found a silver lamp and upon rubbing it a genie appeared.
    "You get one wish - only one!", the genie said.
    Immediately Seamus blurted out "Turn all this water into Guinness!", and the genie complied before vanishing.
    "Seamus, you're an idiot", yelled Paddy, "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"
    Sometimes you've gotta leave the kibble out where the slow dogs can get some....
    ... Roy Blount, Jr.

  10. #80
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Since its already August in Oz......

    A sandwich walks into a bar and before it can say anything the barman yells out... "We don't serve food in here!"

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm.
    " I'd like two beers please, one for me and one for the road."

    Two fish are swimming down a river when one slams head first into an obstruction.
    " Dam," he says.

    A jumper cable walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
    The barman says " Ok, but I've my eye on you. Don't start anything!"

    What do you call a fish with an eye missing.
    FSH.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  11. #81
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    The Husband Store

    A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.
    When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

    "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads - Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love kids.

    The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no Men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street.

    The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

    The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

    The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  12. #82
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    We need the Mexican jokes for the punch lines Americans won't do

  13. #83
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    We need the Mexican jokes for the punch lines Americans won't do

  14. #84
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Geordie...( A Northumbrian who lives near the river Tyne UK) goes to the Hoppins...(a large traveling fair)...., has a few beers at the beer tent, then goes to the Darts tent, where he throws three bulls eyes in less than 10 seconds.....
    He is given a tortoise as a prize, after a few more beers he does the same..... throwing three bulls eyes and is awarded another tortoise...... After doing this a few times, both drinking the beers and winning each time, he is told that they have no more tortoises.

    Geordie says ' that's OK, just give us another one of them crusty pies'

    Norman.... A Geordie.....

  15. #85
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

    His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

    'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

    'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

    Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  16. #86
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Man works in a farm machinery store , turns up one morning and finds he's got the sack(Wait Wait thats not the joke)

    He goes to the job centre and says 'I loved that job, I've been obsessed with farms and tractors since I was a kid'

    The guy behind the desk says ' you're in luck , there's a vacancy for a tractor driver...'

    The guy sticks the job for a couple of weeks but can't handle the noise and dust so throws in the job and goes back to the agency. 'Well, there's a job going in the local agent's fixing agricultural stuff, are you a mechanic,?'..

    No but I'm keen and a fast learner and I love tractors...'

    He gets the job , gives it a go but isn't really up to all the grease and diesel, having spent his working life behind a counter... so gives it a week, but realises maybe tractors are just not for him


    Really depressed he goes down the pub on a busy Friday night, opens the door and can hardly see across the bar for the smoke, and steam and fumes from the kitchen..
    He goes up to the bar to order a beer and the barmaid says , 'Hey I'm really sorry about all this smoke, our air con systems broken down'


    'Don't worry, no problem,' he says, and puts down his beer, swells up his chest a couple of times and goes SHAAAWEEESH and sucks all the air into his lungs leaving the bar completely clean and fresh,

    WOW says the barmaid .. That's impressive... Are you an expert at this ??

    Nah, he says , I'm just an ex-tractor fan

  17. #87
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Senior Sex

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

    Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

    OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

    "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

    "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  18. #88
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by bobbys View Post
    .

    A horse walks into a Bar and orders a drink.

    The bartender asks.....

    Why the long face....
    Oh come on Bobby thats only a third of a joke,,,, full version

    Horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says sure, but wait a minute, is the music too loud?
    No no no problem...
    ok I'll turn down the air con,
    horse says no its ok
    barman says ' I know its the guys over there playing pool a bit rowdy,
    no its fine says the horse
    wait a mo i'll just go and turn up the lighting a bit
    Really, its ok like it is

    Well it must be the peanuts, are they stale?

    NO everythings fine...


    Well then why such a long face

  19. #89
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A man and his wife moved back home to Cork from London.The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!
    When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
    The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'
    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!
    The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen.
    It says: "Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00."

    I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.
    Larks

    “It’s impossible”, said pride.
    “It’s risky”, said experience.
    “It’s pointless”, said reason.
    “Give it a try”, whispered the heart.

    LPBC Beneficiary

    "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great!"

  20. #90
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Girls go to college to get more knowledge,
    Boys go to Jupiter ...

    Because they have already mastered the technology of interplanetary travel.

    (heard that from my son yesterday, had to laugh).

  21. #91
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    President Obama has finally admitted that the US is guilty of using torture, and has formally apologized for the CNN Piers Morgan's TV show.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  22. #92
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar.
    The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations.
    They die.

    Gene
    “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'” Isaac Asimov.

  23. #93
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    This is not the funniest August on record.

  24. #94
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Two balloons are walking in the desert Says one balloon to the other "Hey watch out for that cactussssssssssss"
    Don't worry I'm happy

    "The law is what we have to live with.
    Justice is sometimes harder to achieve."

    Sherlock Holmes

  25. #95
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by CWSmith View Post
    This is not the funniest August on record.
    But I am sure it's the hottest August on record, or it will be, or . . . whatever.
    Don't worry I'm happy

    "The law is what we have to live with.
    Justice is sometimes harder to achieve."

    Sherlock Holmes

  26. #96
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Three Mice meet at a fitness convention in Houston and decide to go to a local bar. After ordering beers the first mouse says, "Welcome to Texas fellas. Where are y'all from and what do y'all do?"

    The second mouse says, "I'm from New York, and I'm so tough, I collect all the rat poison they spread at the gym and grind it up to use as a sweetener for my coffee."

    The third mouse says, "That's nothing. I'm from California, and when I find a mouse trap, I eat the cheese and then do curls with the hammer bar to work off the calories."

    The Texas mouse pushes his empty bottle back with a show of disgust. "I don't have time to sit around listening to all this bullsh*t. It's late, and I have to go home and f*ck the cat."

  27. #97
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Two men, walking after a recent snow storm come across the name "Robert" written in urine in the snow. One man says, "I going to whup my daughter's but when I get home". The second man says, " why, that's my son's name". First man, "but it's my daughter's hand writing".

    Gene
    “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'” Isaac Asimov.

  28. #98
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Abraham and Sarah are walking downtown holding hands when they meet Rabin. Rabin says "How wonderful! You two have been married for 30 years and yet you still walk hand in hand". Abraham replies "Look, if I let go of her hand, she go and buy something!".

  29. #99
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Bubba L. View Post
    Two men, walking after a recent snow storm come across the name "Robert" written in urine in the snow. One man says, "I going to whup my daughter's but when I get home". The second man says, " why, that's my son's name". First man, "but it's my daughter's hand writing".
    The identical joke made the rounds thirty-five years ago here in Canada, but it was a bit more political - the name was Joe Clark and the handwriting was Maggie Trudeau's.

    What are you doing about it?




  30. #100
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by CWSmith View Post
    This is not the funniest August on record.

    Well this is your personal opportunity to make it the funniest.
    Last edited by Rum_Pirate; 08-10-2017 at 11:52 AM. Reason: Spelling error - There be pedants around :)
    Enjoy a good rum on the rocks at sunset.

  31. #101
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Mr James Gray
    206 Andover Road
    Salisbury,
    Wiltshire.

    Dear Mr. Gray,

    Many thanks for your letter suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

    I have reviewed the attributes you describe of her and agree that she may possess the criteria we are looking for in the show's contestants.
    However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.

    In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed to contact the lady concerned.

    Yours,
    Charles Knight,
    Light Entertainment,
    BBC Television Centre,
    London.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  32. #102
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her
    husband's temper and threatening manner.

    The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

    The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinnae ken whit tae
    dae.

    Every time ma man comes hame drunk, he threatens to slap me
    aroon'."

    The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for
    that.



    When your husband arrives home intoxicated, take a wee glass of
    water and start swishing it in your mouth.

    Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed
    and is sound asleep."



    Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
    reborn.



    She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came
    hame drunk, I swished with water.



    I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!



    Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"



    The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret.



    The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that
    does the trick…"
    When you come to a fork in the road , take it.


    Smarter than the average bear, Booboo

  33. #103
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    So one retired guy sitting at the bar says to the other retired guy sitting at the bar, "You gettin' any since you retired?"

    The second retired guy says, "Just pension sex."

    The first guy says, "What's pension sex?"

    The second guy says, "You know, a little bit every month, but not enough to get by on."

  34. #104
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

    After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

    Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

    "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

    "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

    I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.

    I have researched the history of....."


    Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

    Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to p**s off."
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  35. #105
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Must be August..... time for a bump, and in honour of the new BROTM....

    A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

    "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

    "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

    "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

    "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

    "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

    "That's great," said the surgeon.

    "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

    "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

    "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

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