Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 123 ... LastLast
Results 36 to 70 of 139

Thread: ***** August Joke Thread ******

  1. #36
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Livin' in Oz
    Posts
    53,372

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

    The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.

    A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

    The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

    "How's that?"

    "Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."


    Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.


    " How's that?" he asks again more confident.

    "That's wonderful! What did you do?"

    "I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  2. #37
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Northwest Oregon coast
    Posts
    23,656

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by seanz View Post
    Over thar? Whar?
    .

    Dunno know zackly but will ask.

    Its her fellow First grade teacher who has a daughter that went there to live, She is there for the summer/winter for a visit and to help with her granddaughter, She might move there, I believe she said as a teacher she could.

  3. #38
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Wongawallan Oz
    Posts
    15,086

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by The Bigfella View Post
    A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.


    The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.

    A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

    The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

    "How's that?"

    "Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."


    Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.


    " How's that?" he asks again more confident.

    "That's wonderful! What did you do?"

    "I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."
    That's a bit low ian, I'm sure there'll be a little objection to that one - shortly
    Larks

    “It’s impossible”, said pride.
    “It’s risky”, said experience.
    “It’s pointless”, said reason.
    “Give it a try”, whispered the heart.

    LPBC Beneficiary

    "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great!"

  4. #39
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Mainland, NZ
    Posts
    24,157

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Dunno know zackly but will ask.

    Its her fellow First grade teacher who has a daughter that went there to live, She is there for the summer/winter for a visit and to help with her granddaughter, She might move there, I believe she said as a teacher she could.
    Oh, here?


    Two goldfish sitting in a tank. One goldfish turns to the other goldfish and says "So, can you drive one of these?"


    Thought I'd best throw in a joke.....hope it didn't hit anybody.
    We don't know how lucky we are....

  5. #40
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Gulgong. Central west N.S.W. Australia
    Posts
    1,449

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    An elderly couple go to see a lawyer. He shows them into his office and asks how he can be of service. The old lady says "We want a divorce!" The lawyer, shocked, says "Do you mind if I ask how old you are?" The old man replies "I'm a hundred and five, she's a hundred and four, and we've been married for eighty six years!" The lawyer asks "Why after all that time together have you decided to divorce?" And the old lady says- "We had to wait for the f#*&$#g kids to die!" JayInOz

  6. #41
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    East coast of England
    Posts
    3,094

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Young lad from the east end of London was evacuated to a farm in the country during the blitz. He'd never been away from home before.

    During the night, he heard a most terrifying noise. The farmer's wife came to comfort him:

    "There, there, my dear, 'tis only an owl..."

    "Yeah, I know, but 'oo 'owled it?"
    "Mozart is the heart's touchstone" (Edwin Fischer)

  7. #42
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Far south of 90
    Posts
    2,436

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by bobbys View Post
    .

    Sarah jessica parker walks into a bar and orders a drink.

    The bartender asks.....

    Why the long face....
    ftfy

  8. #43
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    4,544

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    Bigfella,
    Your jokes are racist and in bad taste.
    Lay off.
    This is the funniest one, so far.
    I'll add a non-racist one, sure to offend somebody, but it requires physical motion:
    Ask someone "Do you know why women, in particular, really love Jesus?"
    Stand up and hold your arms out to the sides.
    "Because he was hung like this!"

    Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal...
    Sometimes you've gotta leave the kibble out where the slow dogs can get some....
    ... Roy Blount, Jr.

  9. #44
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Northwest Oregon coast
    Posts
    23,656

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Pugwash View Post
    ftfy
    .

    took me a minute.

  10. #45
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Uki, NSW, Australia
    Posts
    23,784

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    My take is that if you poke someone with a sharp stick they'll get annoyed, if you smile and shake their hand they will be your friends.

    John Welsford

  11. #46
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Sydney OZ.
    Posts
    11,750

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Scene: A large cattle station outback of Augathella (sw QLD).

    The manager gets a call saying that his new 30 inch bar chainsaw is ready to be collected at the railhead.

    He tells his old stockman (blakfella) to take the Troopy and collect it (150km away).
    Hours pass and no sign so he calls him on the mobile (cell phone) and asks what's the delay.

    The old fella replies "Well boss I run over this pig and he's jammed under the front suspension."

    The manager replies "Well use the petrol in the jerrican and cut him out with the chainsaw.'

    Hours pass so the manager calls up again and says "What's happening"?

    The old fella replies; "Well boss I cut him up OK but I buggered the chainsaw blades trying to cut up his motorbike"
    Last edited by purri; 08-10-2010 at 09:59 PM. Reason: clarity

  12. #47
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Baldwin, N.Y., U.S.A.
    Posts
    636

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by ripley699 View Post
    So this guy walks into a talent agency with his wife , a very pretty blonde and his two children .His son,Todd is 15 and his precious little girl ,Rachael is 12 .So he turns to the talent agent and say"""
    No, wait , don't tell me......"The Aristocrats"?
    "Simplicity, Clarisse! First principles..."

  13. #48
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    South Puget Sound/summer Eastern carib./winter
    Posts
    13,550

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Giraffe walks into a bar ,buys everyone a drink,"the highballs are on me".

  14. #49
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Meredith,New Hampshire
    Posts
    703

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    very good L.I.B.

  15. #50
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Baldwin, N.Y., U.S.A.
    Posts
    636

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    It seems there were 3 young fellas that wanted to get in to see the Olympic games, an Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish fella. Each of them had some money in their pockets, but not enough to buy a ticket.
    The Irishman gets a great idea! Goes into a hardware store and buys a broom. Snaps off the broom part so he's got a handle. Takes out a pocket knife and whittles down an end to a sharp point. Stripped down to his T-shirt and his shorts, he goes running up to the gate. The guard at the gate says "Wait a minute, wait a minute, who are you?" The Irishman adopts an incredulous look upon his face, holds up the stick, and says "O'Reilly....Ireland....Javelin throw!" The guard is convinced and lets him pass.
    The Italian is impressed. He gets an idea. He goes to a pizza parlor,and orders a large pie, baked extra hard, no sauce, no cheese, no toppings of any kind. Stripped down to his T-shirt and his shorts, he tucks the pie under his arm and goes running up to the gate. The guard, as expected, says "Wait a minute, wait a minute, who are you?" The Italian, with a contemptuous sneer upon his lip, gestures toward the object under his arm, and says "DiAngelini....Italy....Discus!" The guard is convinced and lets him pass.
    The Polish fella is just amazed! He ponders the possibilities, and in a few moments He, too, gets an idea. He goes to a
    hardware store and buys 500 feet of barbed wire. Stripped down to his T-shirt and shorts, he wraps his entire body in the barbed wire and goes running up to the gate. Just as before, the guard says "Wait a minute, wait a minute, who are you?" The Polish fellow , with a grin of anticipation upon his face, says "Bubinski....Poland....FENCING!"
    "Simplicity, Clarisse! First principles..."

  16. #51
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Gulgong. Central west N.S.W. Australia
    Posts
    1,449

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Bloke calls Pizza Hut and asks for a thin, crusty supreme. Ten minutes later the delivery guy turns up carrying Diana Ross JayInOz

  17. #52
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Northwest Oregon coast
    Posts
    23,656

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Oy Vey!!.

    Didja guys come here straight from the Catskills?

  18. #53
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Bradford, VT
    Posts
    5,320

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    What do you get if you pour boiling water on a dehydrated Texan?
















    Horse sh*t

  19. #54
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Freeland, WA
    Posts
    25,398

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Q; What's the difference between New Yorkers and Californians?

    A: New Yorkers will try anything once; Californians try everything once.
    Gerard>
    Everett, WA

    Next election, vote against EVERY Republican, for EVERY office, at EVERY level. Be patriotic, save the country.

  20. #55
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    SF Bay Area- Richmond
    Posts
    15,186

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A sailor awakes one morning at anchor to find a gorilla sitting in his spreaders. Not knowing what to do, he puts a PAN-PAN out on channel 16. Moments later comes a response:

    “Gorilla Removal Service on 16, can we have your LAT/LON please?”

    He gives his location, and within moments a bright orange 30' RIB with twin outboards roars into the anchorage – carefully slowing as it approaches, so as not to upset the simian in the rig. The sailor steps cautiously out of the companionway to tie the rib alongside. The Gorilla watches.

    After a quick introduction, and the painful “Yep, that's a gorilla,” the Gorilla Removal Technician (GRT) begins handing things up to the sailor from the RIB. First comes a 10 foot (3m) graphite pole. Next is a 12 gauge double-barrel shotgun, followed by an enormous set of handcuffs. Finally, the GRT hands up a bright orange crate with 'FRAGILE' and 'CAUTION' printed over every side, and climbs aboard himself.

    The GRT opens the crate, and out steps a Chihuahua. The small dog circles the crate twice, sits down, and stares up at the gorilla.

    “OK, so here's the plan:” says the GRT. “I will climb up your mast, and poke at the ape with the pole. When he falls from the mast, this dog is highly trained to fearlessly go right for his testes. When the gorilla crosses his hands to protect himself, we clap on the handcuffs, and away we go!”

    “Wow,” replies the sailor. “you must do this a lot!” Then he looks at the shotgun. “So what's this for?”

    “Well, I need you to hold that. In case I fall off of the mast before the gorilla, I need you to shoot that god-damned dog.”
    "The enemies of reason have a certain blind look."
    Doctor Jacquin to Lieutenant D'Hubert, in Ridley Scott's first major film _The Duellists_.

  21. #56
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, Gunshine State
    Posts
    6,753

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texasand talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.


    The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"


    The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
    A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.


    With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he would be gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs . . .


    “Your badge! Show him your BADGE!”

  22. #57
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Victoria, BC
    Posts
    10,478

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Men Are Just Happier People


    NICKNAMES
    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bonehead and Gopher Man.

    EATING OUT
    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    MONEY
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

    BATHROOMS
    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more
    than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    FUTURE
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    SUCCESS
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    MARRIAGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book,
    and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL
    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
    friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    A married man should forget his mistakes.
    There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

  23. #58
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Baldwin, N.Y., U.S.A.
    Posts
    636

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Blacky, I agree that Gottfried was good, but when it comes to nasty, full-tilt Bozo SICK, I think it's a tie between George Carlin and Bob Sagett!
    "Simplicity, Clarisse! First principles..."

  24. #59
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    McLean, Virginia
    Posts
    517

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Okay, I'm wondering if the Mexicans in the first joke were the same two Mexicans thrown out of the plane in Paladin's joke?
    The Water is Wide. I Can Cross Over.

  25. #60
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Gulgong. Central west N.S.W. Australia
    Posts
    1,449

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Nanoose I just read some of those out to my wife- I got the one eyebrow raised death stare. Thanks JayInOz

  26. #61
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Sydney OZ.
    Posts
    11,750

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    One for AC-B.

    Two fellas are seated together on a Transat flight. One is of Chinese (Hong Kong) descent and the other wears a yarmulke.

    A few hours on the mensch fella begins swearing and finally swings at the Chinese fella landing a heavy blow. The HK one exclaims "what was that for?"

    The mensch replies "For Pearl Harbour!".

    The HK replies "But I'm a Chinese from HK!"

    Mensch counters with "Chinese, Japanese, you're all the same to me".

    Half an hour passes.......


    Suddenly the HK fella strikes a karate style blow to the neck of the other shouting "And that's for the Titanic!"

    "What, but Im Jewish?" sobs the other.

    Honkers fella replies..................."Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, Goldberg, you're all the same to me"


    signed : Equal Opportunity Bigot.

  27. #62
    Join Date
    Feb 2000
    Location
    San Francisco Bay
    Posts
    11,353

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by LongIslandBoy View Post
    No, wait , don't tell me......"The Aristocrats"?
    Yea, but you left out the best part!

    (And the way I heard it, it was "The Sophisticates."

  28. #63
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    6,375

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    So I'm drivin. Red Light. I stop too close, but only close enough to knock the dirt off of the littlest bumper on the littlest truck I ever seen.
    Open goes the door, out pops a dwarf. (Or a midget; it was dark and late, etc,,,)
    Comes back to my door, little hands on little hips.
    I press the window button.
    "I'm not Happy!"
    "Well, who the hell are ya? Doc? Sneezy? Dopey?"

  29. #64
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    North West Arkansas
    Posts
    64,317

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    What part of this do you find amusing?
    I am reminded of a movie I once saw..."Name of the Rose"
    The doctrine of nonresistance against arbitrary power, and oppression, is absurd, slavish, and destructive of the good and happiness of mankind.
    Personal failures are too important to be trusted to others.

  30. #65
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    277

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    The CDC has issued this warning about Gonorrhea Lectim:

    Information about Gonorrhea Lectim:

    The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease
    The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It’s pronounced “Gonna re-elect ‘em,” and it is a terrible obamanation.
    The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.
    Many victims contracted it in 2008…but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It’s sad because
    Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don’t engage in such behavior again;
    otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

  31. #66
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    sussex county delaware
    Posts
    2,846

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Things you don't say to the State Trooper when you are pulled over..."Hey, nice uniform. Where are the biker, the construction worker and the Indian Chief?" "Hey , you're a public servant - why don't you go and fetch me a glass of water while we sit here wasting my time." "Do you dribble down your leg when you polish your little badge at night?"
    Brute force and ignorance, all in one bulky and unappealing package

  32. #67
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Sydney OZ.
    Posts
    11,750

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    AKA: " Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I just luuuurve a man in uniform"!

  33. #68
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    North West Arkansas
    Posts
    64,317

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    for those who are forever offended by other's jokes

    http://apps.yahoo.com/canvas/bxb7o93...m%2Fp%2F2.html
    The doctrine of nonresistance against arbitrary power, and oppression, is absurd, slavish, and destructive of the good and happiness of mankind.
    Personal failures are too important to be trusted to others.

  34. #69
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    277

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Toothbrushes
    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive
    salesmanship.
    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
    I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.
    Little Jenny was next:
    "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.""Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
    The teacher held her breath ...

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said."$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were
    you selling?"
    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
    "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enoughtooth brushes to make that much money?"
    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog Poo!"
    Then I would say,"It is dog poo. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
    "I used the governmental approach of giving you something crappy for free,and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your mouth."

  35. #70
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Beachport, South Australia
    Posts
    1,829

    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing
    landmines that look like prayer mats.

    It’s doing quite well apparently. He says prophets are going through the roof.
    Bald, ugly, not too bright but incredibly sexy in an unattractive sort of way....

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •