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Thread: ***** August Joke Thread ******

  1. #106
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Senility.

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  2. #107
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"

    Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

    After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

    After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"

    Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

    The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home—my wife died two years ago!"
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  3. #108
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Don't recall seeing this one here (but I could be wrong)-

    Little Johnnies GF asked if he could talk about WWII to the sixth-grade class. Johnnies teacher had her reservations, but agreed - as long as GF kept it clean.

    'Not a problem'.

    And so it went. 'I was flying with my squadron of P-51's over the English Channel, when a squadron of Germans appears out of the clouds. I immediately got on the tail of one of those Fokkers, and shot him down. Then I whipped around, and set my sights on the next Fokker...'

    At this point, Johnnies teacher interrupted - 'Class, I want you to know - in WWII, Germany had a fighterplane that was called a 'Fokker'.

    GF nodded in agreement; 'you're absolutely correct - and are to be commended on your knowledge of the War. But in this case, those Fokkers were all flying Messerschmits!'
    There's a lot of things they didn't tell me when I signed on with this outfit....

  4. #109
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    There's a lot of things they didn't tell me when I signed on with this outfit....

  5. #110
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Two parrots sitting on a perch.

    One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish?'
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  6. #111
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by The Bigfella View Post
    Senility.

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
    That is small comfort. Yesterday I got off the plane, walked into the bathroom to pee, washed my hands, got my bag, walked through the airport, caught the bus just before it left, and road homeward. Half way home I glanced down and my fly was wide open - 100%. I'd walked through the entire airport that way. Also, earlier that day a young woman called me "Sir". It was a bad day all around.

  7. #112
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Nobody likes getting old, but some get simply foolish about it. A few days ago I was behind a white-haired grandmotherly type in the grocery store check-out. The high school age check-out clerk rang the lady's purchases through and told her the total, with the assurance that she had deducted the senior's discount percentage. Grandma got highly indignant, scolded the poor young clerk mercilessly, called for the manager, and insisted that the senior's discount be removed, and paid a higher price for her groceries. Go figure, eh?
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  8. #113
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    There must be a better way for a white-haired grandmotherly type to feel young again.

    If only she could think of it.

  9. #114
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rainy in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little old man slipped in through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside-out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so, he looked wet and bedraggled.

    As he unwound his sodden scarf from around his neck, he asked, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

    The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

    "That's right," answered the little old man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

    "Bernice is your wife? asked the baker.

    "What do you think," snapped the little old man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  10. #115
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Ten Best Caddy Responses…

    Number :10

    Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."


    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

    Number : 9

    Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 72 on this course."


    Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

    Number : 8

    Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"


    Caddy: "Yes. You miss the ball much closer now."

    Number : 7

    Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"


    Caddy: "Eventually."

    Number : 6

    Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."


    Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence."


    Number : 5

    Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."


    Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."


    Number : 4

    Golfer: "How do you like my game?


    Caddy: "It's very good. Personally, I prefer golf."


    Number : 3

    Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"


    Caddy: "Sir, the way you play, it's a sin on any day."


    Number : 2

    Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."


    Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."


    And the Number 1 Response:

    Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."


    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  11. #116
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Heard it said, "if they really want to punish prisoners, make 'em play golf."
    Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country. John Fn Kennedy. (D)

  12. #117
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  13. #118
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A Frenchman goes down to the reception desk at a swanky London hotel.


    “How may I help you, Sir?”
    “Can you send some pepper to my room, please”
    “Certainly sir. White pepper or black pepper?”
    “Non, Monsieur! Toilet pepper!”

    Nick

  14. #119
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Reminds me of:

    Daffy Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room.The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
    Daffy frowned and said, "No."
    Daisy told Daffy that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sexual relations.
    "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
    So Daffy went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
    "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and was handing it to Daffy.
    The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put it on your bill?"
    "Heck no!" Daffy quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
    Enjoy a good rum on the rocks at sunset.

  15. #120
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1 to 10.
    Last night we tried a new position for her.
    She kept yelling "9".
    That's the best I've ever done!
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  16. #121
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    I just heard this.

    How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
    Look for the Fresh Prince.

    Hehe.

    Peace,
    Robert

  17. #122
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    ^^^ <groan>
    Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

  18. #123
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by mmd View Post
    ^^^ <groan>
    I know! My kids didn't get it. They only know him as Will Smith. Hehe. They LOVE the Nightmare on My Street song, now, though.

    Peace,
    Robert

  19. #124
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    The true definition of "savoir faire" *


    Three French gentleman are discussing the true definition of "savoir faire".

    "Mes amis, let me tell you the meaning of 'savoir faire': a husband comes home early, walks into the bedroom and discovers his wife in bed with another man - Pierre - in the middle of ze act. He does not react, but with great dignity walks out of the room and closes the door. THAT, mes amis, is 'savoir faire'!"
    "Non non non!" says the second, "that is NOT 'savoir faire'! It is when the husband comes home, discovers his wife in bed with this Pierre. He first says with great politeness and perhaps a small bow, 'please, continue'. Only THEN he walks out with dignity and closes the door. THIS is 'savoir faire'"
    The third friend replies, "Mes amis you do not understand these things. 'Savoir faire' is when Pierre is in bed with his mistress, making love. Her husband comes home early and walks in ze door. The husband bows politely then walks out with great dignity and closes ze door, saying 'please, continue'.... and Pierre can.





    Enjoy a good rum on the rocks at sunset.

  20. #125
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  21. #126
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Good 'un.

  22. #127
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    That is pretty good!

  23. #128
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by The Bigfella View Post
    A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
    Thank you. Now I have to go gouge out my mind's eye.

    Hehe.

    Peace,
    Giggling Idjit

  24. #129
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    On a more uplifting note --

    David G
    Harbor Woodworks
    http://www.harborwoodworking.com/boat.html

    "It was a Sunday morning and Goddard gave thanks that there were still places where one could worship in temples not made by human hands." -- L. F. Herreshoff (The Compleat Cruiser)

  25. #130
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    [QUOTE=The Bigfella;5312710]. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Well, I've been the butt of a few jokes over the years, but this is the first time I've featured in one on the forum Jay (James Wright) InOz.

  26. #131
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    I stole this one from SA:

    Latest news from the Kremlin. Putin is so upset with Trump that he might not get him re-elected.
    Don't worry I'm happy

    "The law is what we have to live with.
    Justice is sometimes harder to achieve."

    Sherlock Holmes

  27. #132
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Q: How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: None. That's a hardware problem.
    Gerard>
    Everett, WA

    Next election, vote against EVERY Republican, for EVERY office, at EVERY level. Be patriotic, save the country.

  28. #133
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
    The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
    "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
    My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

    "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
    With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
    "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
    Enjoy a good rum on the rocks at sunset.

  29. #134
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Skip

    ---This post is delivered with righteous passion and with a solemn southern directness --
    ...........fighting against the deliberate polarization of politics...

  30. #135
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Every morning Hillary Clinton goes up to the newspaper stand, and buy a copy of the New York Times look at the front page and then toss it angrily into the nearby bin.

    The newspaper-seller was intrigued.

    "Excuse me," he said to Mrs Clinton, "Every morning you buy a copy of the New York Times from me and chuck it in the bin without even unfolding it. What do you buy it for?"

    "I'm only interested in the front page,' replied Mrs Clinton. "I'm looking out for an obituary."

    The newspaper-seller said "But you don't get obituaries on the front page!"

    "I assure you, this one will be on the front page."
    Enjoy a good rum on the rocks at sunset.

  31. #136
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Rum_Pirate View Post
    The newspaper-seller said "But you don't get obituaries on the front page!"

    "I assure you, this one will be on the front page."
    That was good.
    Life is complex.

  32. #137
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Oh. Dear God. If you want us to impeach Trump, please give us a sign. Like blot out the sun in the next few days.
    Life is complex.

  33. #138
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

    After arriving in Paris , he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.


    As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

    Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.


    He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

    After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.


    They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew
    a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

    Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.


    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  34. #139
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    three drunks at dinner...one looks at the cheeseboard and says ' is it Wensleydale,' 2nd one says ' no Kev, its Thursday' 3rd one says ' me too, lets have a drink.'



    first night out with his new girl, and everythings going well... back to her gaff, invited in for a coffee, and things are developing. a few minutes later in the bedroom, and its all over a bit quick.....she sits up and says 'do you have a problem with premature ejaculation...?'
    'Me?' he says, ' nah, that was a delayed one from my last date'
    When you come to a fork in the road , take it.


    Smarter than the average bear, Booboo

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