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Thread: ***** August Joke Thread ******

  1. #1
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    Default ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

    "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

    "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

    "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

    "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

    "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

    "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


    Ees


    Ees


    Ees



    Ees a ham bush....."
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

    A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

    Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

    Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

    A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

    Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

    When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

    What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

    She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

    Every Callender's days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

    A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

    Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    These are good Ian, reminds me of the time when Shane Warne complained that the media should stop hounding him about his weight and fitness. I laughed when I saw the news stand the next morning - Warne Fed Up

    Rick

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Thanks Rick

    This one was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could
    say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

    The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

    The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds


    What's the bet that Bonny Doy complains about my spelling though eh?


    This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


    Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

    At the end of the day, she was knucking ****ered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

    The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

    Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

    At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

    The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

    When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both
    the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

    Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

    Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  5. #5
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    C'mon you lot... you can't all be dry bastards..... 1 hour and its on the second page.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pi$$ing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.

    The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.

    But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

    The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes.

    With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

    The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling.
    "I would like to have two pillows for my back".

    The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.
    The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bull**** penalty.

    "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40."

    There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

    The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish.

    "Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    I'd heard the others Ian, but still find them well worth a good belly laugh, particularly the Ronnie Barker one - don't you miss the clever humour of the two Ronnies? I was reading some one liners from Fawlty Towers the other day - another very clever and tallented mind at work. I hadn't heard the last one though, ho ho!!
    Larks

    “It’s impossible”, said pride.
    “It’s risky”, said experience.
    “It’s pointless”, said reason.
    “Give it a try”, whispered the heart.

    LPBC Beneficiary

    "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great!"

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Im a neocon , Im not allowed to laugh at a Mexican joke.

    Got anything in Polish?

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Bigfella,
    Your jokes are racist and in bad taste.
    Lay off.

    * * * Sorry, gentlemen, my evil twin has broken in and has taken over my computer. He is given to sententious statements.

    Perhaps he will go away if you send ransom money in unmarked bills in a large paper bag. * * *
    Last edited by Shang; 08-03-2014 at 04:00 PM. Reason: Correcting earlier Self-righteousness.

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    Bigfella,
    Your jokes are racist and in bad taste.
    Lay off.
    Umm - by definition, racism relates to race, not nationality. Get a bit of humour into you.....
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  11. #11
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by The Bigfella View Post
    Umm - by definition, racism relates to race, not nationality. Get a bit of humour into you.....
    Your jokes are ignorantly racist and in bad taste.
    Lay off.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    Your jokes are ignorantly racist and in bad taste.
    Lay off.
    OK - by my count I've got 35 jokes on this thread. One of those 35 features a punchline based on the Spanish language. Another features an Aussie, a German and an Italian and an Arabian (of unknown nationality). So, the other 33 are not related to race or nationality.

    So 94.3% totally non racist. Where's the racism in the other 2?
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  13. #13
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Shang,
    Go scratch yer ass

    RIP

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Small twin engine plane flying from Texas to California....has engine trouble....pilot tells everyone that they have to lighten the aircraft so they're tossing out all the baggage....about midway over the rockies they are losing altitude so the pilot asks for 3 volunteers to jump out........

    An Englishman stands up...walks to the rear of the plane, says "God save the Queen, and jumps out...
    A Frenchman walks slowly to the rear, "says Viva la France, then jumps out....
    A tall Texan stands up slowly walks to the rear of the plane, stewardess has the door open....he lowers his head.....grabs two Mexicans and tosses them out while yelling "Remember the Alamo"....
    Wakan Tanka Kici Un
    ..a bad day sailing is a heckuva lot better than the best day at work.....
    Fighting Illegal immigration since 1492....
    Live your life so that whenever you lose, you're ahead."
    "If you live life right, death is a joke as far as fear is concerned."

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by The Bigfella View Post
    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death......
    What part of this do you find amusing?

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    What part of this do you find amusing?
    The punch line. Made me think of another forumite actually. Where's Jamie?
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Hey, Shang, in the Jet Blue attendant thread people are being really nasty to the obese and those who bring carry-on luggage on board -- can you go over there and express your indignation to them, please?

    Kaa

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    The New Colossus

    Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
    With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
    Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
    A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
    Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
    Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
    Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
    The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
    "Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
    With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
    Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
    The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
    Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
    I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"


    --Emma Lazarus, 1883

    Perhaps this isn't the best time to make jokes about Mexicans dying in the desert,
    nor about the French, British, "Aussie," German, Italian, nor of "Arabian (of unknown nationality)."

  19. #19
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    Perhaps this isn't the best time to make jokes about Mexicans dying in the desert,
    nor about the French, British, "Aussie," German, Italian, nor of "Arabian (of unknown nationality)."
    It's always a good time to make jokes.

    By the way, that joke about the "golden door" was a good one! :-)

    Kaa

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaa View Post
    Hey, Shang, in the Jet Blue attendant thread people are being really nasty to the obese and those who bring carry-on luggage on board -- can you go over there and express your indignation to them, please?

    Kaa
    Naugh, Kaa, the obese choose their own problems, the rest of us stay fit (forty pushups tonight, working toward eighty). Feel free to go over there and indig all over Jet Blue if you want to.

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    Naugh, Kaa, the obese choose their own problems
    And the Mexicans dying in the Texan desert..? :-P

    Kaa

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    I overlooked the Bush reference.

  23. #23
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaa View Post
    It's always a good time to make jokes.

    By the way, that joke about the "golden door" was a good one! :-)

    Kaa
    When you hang a sign on your front door that says, "Give me your tired, your poor,
    Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
    The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
    Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...


    You shouldn't be surprised if you don't attract the membership of the up-town country club.

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    * * * Sorry, gentlemen, my evil twin broke in and took over my computer.
    Send ransom money in unmarked bills in a large paper bag. * * *
    Last edited by Shang; 08-03-2014 at 03:45 PM. Reason: Correcting sanctimonious rant.

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    Are not an object of fun.
    Sure they are. But do you, by any chance, claim the right to decide what should be an object of fun and what should be not?

    Kaa

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    You shouldn't be surprised if you don't attract the membership of the up-town country club.
    That's fine. The membership of the up-town country club is staid, plain, boring, and thoroughly predictable. Besides, they only tell such weak jokes that the only word that comes to mind is milquetoast.

    Kaa

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Shang View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Originally Posted by Kaa
    And the Mexicans dying in the Texan desert..? :-P
    Are not an object of fun.
    The object of fun was not the Mexicans dying in the desert, the object of fun was the 'ham bush'; no-one was laughing at folks dying, the joke was about language.

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    So this guy walks into a talent agency with his wife , a very pretty blonde and his two children .His son,Todd is 15 and his precious little girl ,Rachael is 12 .So he turns to the talent agent and say"""

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    "A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer... and a mop."
    Hands too small: Can't build his Wall!

    Frayed Knot Arts: Fancywork and Rope Jewelry
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by bobbys View Post
    I overlooked the Bush reference.
    That made me W back and have another look.



    Nice to have you back.
    We don't know how lucky we are....

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by Vince Brennan View Post
    "A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer... and a mop."
    .

    A horse walks into a Bar and orders a drink.

    The bartender asks.....

    Why the long face....

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    An old cowboy sat down at counter of a café in a small town out in West Texas and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

    She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
    "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome and charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" Mark Twain... so... Carpe the living sh!t out of the Diem

    I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of being there saying "I wish I'd done that"

  33. #33
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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Quote Originally Posted by seanz View Post
    That made me W back and have another look.



    Nice to have you back.
    .

    Tanks Sean, My wife's good friend is over there now.

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Man walks into a pub with a frog on his head. The barman asks, what's that?
    The frog says, would you believe it all started from a wart on me bum.
    My take is that if you poke someone with a sharp stick they'll get annoyed, if you smile and shake their hand they will be your friends.

    John Welsford

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    Default Re: ***** August Joke Thread ******

    Tanks Sean, My wife's good friend is over there now.
    Over thar? Whar?
    We don't know how lucky we are....

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