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capt jake
12-20-2008, 12:48 PM
OK, This was e-mailed to me. NO IT WASN"T ME! :) Funny none the less. :)


This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville, Ky. Sentinel contest
to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize. As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed,his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?''You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to hishouse and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left thedog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back andbark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny,hang on!' My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas. George

Don't know why it didn't hold the formatting..

Domesticated_Mr. Know It All
12-20-2008, 01:04 PM
Had to find my eye glasses to read that small print but well worth the effort.

coelacanth2
12-21-2008, 12:23 AM
I posted this one last year, but I think it's worth a re-do. For years, while he was still single, my BIL loaded our son up with noisy, battery operated complicated toys - the kind that need a parent to help the kid play with them. H e figgered he was NEVER getting married (worst luck with girls I ever saw :D) so he was safe. Well, he finally found Ms. Right and they have a really cute little girl - looks just like a mini Little Orphan Annie- and she's inherited the Kraut love of cleaning and order. This is a three year old who stops playing early to put her toys away...
Last Christmas, she asks for a vacuum cleaner. My wife goes online (ABC Distributors 25 bucks) and buys this really neat little kid vac. Runs on 4 D batteries, has all the little tools, pink with purple flowers, about as much suction as a good Dustbuster. It came in a really huge box, so we wrapped it up and my in-laws took it up to New Hampshire with them, and it was under the tree on Dec. 25. At 10:30 we get the call,"Thank you SO much for the vacuum cleaner. Were you aware that it came with toy dirt?" Apparently the bulk of the box was filled with a large bag of Styrofoam BB's, she ripped it open, dumped it on their livingroom floor - and jumped in it. Wearing fleece PJs. Did I mention her hair is REALLY curly? Bone dry winter in New Hampshire? Can you say...Static cling? My poor wife was hoding the 'Phone up, I could hear him from 10 feet away - my house is covered with Styrofoam crap, it's in my rugs, my walls, my furniture, MY KID IS COVERED WITH STYROFOAM! So, what do you do with your new vacuum? Suck up the foam BB's. What do you do when it's full? Dump it out again and start over. And I just wanted to get her a drum...:D. When we went up for our Christmas visit, he greeted me and my son cordially enough, then growled at my wife,"Do you remember my ant farm? (apparently the ants got out and infested the house) I'm getting your kid a Cockroach Ranch!" If he does that, HIS kid's getting either gerbils or a large mixed breed puppy and a supply of Jolt Cola:D.

capt jake
12-21-2008, 12:27 AM
Now that was good as I am LMAO! :D

Now my wife is laughing. We want a video! :)