View Full Version : Letters to Santa

Vince Brennan
12-04-2008, 07:58 PM
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend,

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a frickin' book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?


Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.

Let me get you some nice Lego's instead.


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.


Dear Santa,
I'LL leave milk and cookies for you under the tree, and carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Hey, you wanted to know.


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.

I'm skipping your house.


Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?


That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but it doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
Love, Marky

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like the BOOGEYMAN does, through YOUR bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams.

Try not to worry.


Memphis Mike
12-04-2008, 08:18 PM
Dear Santa,

I want a new gun for Christmas. Preferably a gatling gun.:) I've been a good boy all year.:)

12-04-2008, 08:58 PM
Santa sounds a little on the cranky side this year. :eek: Must be spending too much time in the Bilge ;)

J. Dillon
12-04-2008, 09:23 PM
This year my family and I have all agreed not to exchange gifts. Instead we will be giving more to our favorite charities. We thought this would be more in keeping with the true spirit of the holiday season My minor grand children are exempted and will be receiving presents.


Domesticated_Mr. Know It All
12-04-2008, 11:01 PM
Thanks for the rifle's Santa.


Mikey and Kev.

12-05-2008, 10:13 AM
Gotta tell ya - I don't like this thread. Not funny at all

12-05-2008, 10:27 AM
Santa sounds a little on the cranky side this year. :eek: Must be spending too much time in the Bilge ;)


Taylor Tarvin
12-05-2008, 10:50 AM
Sounds like Dennis Leary is standing in for Santa.

12-05-2008, 11:17 AM
wow... some attitude....