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beaky
11-24-2008, 05:10 PM
Emma's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the worktop, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's flat the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,


"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,
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"Get him, Spike!"

J. Dillon
11-24-2008, 07:37 PM
:D:D Good one jill . Got any more ?

JD

J_Boat
11-24-2008, 07:49 PM
Guy with his first new place decides he'll buy a parrot for some company. He finds a beautiful bird at the local pet store that apparently doesn't talk... but, he'll train it... get the full parrot experience. He gets the bird home and it starts cussing up a blue streak and won't stop. He tries covering the cage. Puts it in the spare bed room. Nothing works. The bird is so loud and obscene he can't even entertain in his new apartment. In a fit of desperation the guy grabs the parrot, throws him in the freezer and slams the door.


A little while later the guilt is unbearable. He is sure he's frozen the bird to death and it was only saying what some previous owner had taught him. He goes to the freezer and opens it. The parrot is standing there quiet and alive. After a moment, the parrot asks, "so,....what'd the chicken do?"

beaky
11-25-2008, 07:24 PM
:) LOL

jill

beaky
11-25-2008, 07:39 PM
A platoon of soldiers was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon
an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less
serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the Platoon Leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'We saw each
other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who
got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Gordon Brown is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left
wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running a country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Peter Mandelson'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,
When a bloody truck hit us.'

jill

beaky
11-26-2008, 12:12 PM
Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as.......






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Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'


Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff,

I receive it from my warped friends and then post it here

beaky
11-28-2008, 02:01 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his
flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he
picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more
after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a
vacation after the next big score, then clicked the
light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people
would name a bird Moses."
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus." he replied.


jill

Uncle Duke
11-28-2008, 04:09 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. '

What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your Dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....'I would have gotten out today .'

gregleeber
11-28-2008, 06:07 PM
saw it coming