View Full Version : best political line you've heard lately ...

07-17-2008, 10:23 AM
Post it here - preferably the funny ones, not just the annoying ones.

This morning, I heard a panel discussion about the best political lines heard about the US election campaign ... my hands down favourite?

Caption for a cartoon of Obama: "black man asking for change."

07-17-2008, 10:24 AM
White guy being racist.

Keith Wilson
07-17-2008, 10:28 AM
That was one of the best Onion articles ever

Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

CHICAGO—According to witnesses, a loud black man approached a crowd of some 4,000 strangers in downtown Chicago Tuesday and made repeated demands for change.

"The time for change is now," said the black guy, yelling at everyone within earshot for 20 straight minutes, practically begging America for change. "The need for change is stronger and more urgent than ever before. And only you—the people standing here today, and indeed all the people of this great nation—only you can deliver this change."


The black guy is oddly comfortable demanding change from people he's never even met. It is estimated that, to date, the black man has asked every single person in the United States for change.

"I've already seen this guy four times today," Chicago-area ad salesman Blake Gordon said. "Every time, it's the same exact spiel. 'I need change.' 'I want change.' Why's he so eager for all this change? What's he going to do with it, anyway?"

After his initial requests for change, the black man rambled nonstop on a variety of unrelated topics, calling for affordable health care, demanding that the government immediately begin withdrawing troops from Iraq, and proposing a $75 billion economic stimulus plan to create new jobs.

"What a wacko," Schaumburg, IL resident Patrick Morledge said. "And, of course, after telling us all about how he had the ability to magically fix everything, he went right back to asking for change. Typical."

"If he's really looking for change, he's got the wrong guy," Morledge added.

Reports indicate that the black man has been riding from city to city across the country, asking for change wherever he goes. Citizens in Austin, TX said they spotted the same guy standing on the street Friday, shouting far-fetched ideas about global warming. Cleveland residents also reported seeing him in a local park, wildly gesticulating and quoting from the Bible. And last week, patrons at the Starlight Diner in Cheyenne, WY claimed that the black man accosted them while they were eating, repeatedly requesting change.

"I saw him walk in and I knew he was headed straight for our table," said mother of three Gladys Davies. "He just stood there smiling at us for a while, and asked how our food tasted. Then he went and did the same thing at the next table over. The nerve of some people."

Those who encountered the black man Tuesday said he engaged in erratic behavior, including pointing at random people in the crowd and desperately saying he needs their help, going up to complete strangers and hugging them, and angrily claiming that he is not looking for just a little bit of change, but rather a great deal of change, and that he wants it "right now."

"I'll be honest, when that black guy said he would 'stop at nothing' to get change, it kind of scared me," local mechanic Phil Nighbert said. "Just leave me alone."

Though many were taken aback by the black man's brazen demands, some, such as Jackson, MS's Holly Moser, sympathized with him. She gave the black man credit for boldly standing up and asking every last person around him for change.

"I told him I'd give him some if I saw him later, even though I probably won't," Moser said. "Very nice man, though."

Most, however, ignored his requests.

"I'm a hardworking American who pays his taxes, and the last thing I need is some guy on the street demanding change from me," said William Overkamp, a Springfield, IL gun-shop owner.

He added, "What he really needs is a job."

George Jung
07-17-2008, 12:45 PM
I don't have the links, but two other 'Onion' articles I enjoyed were Bill Clinton deciding to enter the Presidential race, and the GWB dinner in the White House. Great article here too, KW.

07-17-2008, 12:47 PM
It was great, eh Keith?

Mark, other than finding a way to accuse me of racism while maintaining "plausible deniability," do you have any other jokes to contribute to the thread?


07-17-2008, 12:53 PM
I don't know if it's the funniest or the saddest but it's when Ol' Puddinhead tried to tell us that the economy was just fine.


Keith Wilson
07-17-2008, 01:06 PM
Here you go, Tom. This at least as good as the "change" piece:

Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works
July 6, 2005

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush delighted an intimate gathering of White House dinner guests Monday, regaling the coterie of dignitaries, artists, and friends with a spirited, off-the-cuff discussion of the Roman poet Virgil's lesser-known works.

An effervescent Bush delights friends with tales of the poet Virgil. "Ah, W. was in top form tonight," Spanish foreign minister Josep Pique Campos said. "We were all held captive by his erudition and charm. First, a brief history of the opium trade, then a bit of Brahms on the piano, then a rousing discussion of Virgil. That boy is a wonder, isn't he?"

According to guests, the subject of Virgil arose serendipitously, when a servant opened a window in the Red Room, to which the group had retired for after-dinner drinks. Noticing the breeze, Bush raised his glass and delivered a toast to the changing of the seasons. He then apologized to "lovely Winter," explaining that he "meant no slight against her."

"The first blush of Spring always reminds me of Virgil's words," Bush said. "In early spring-tide, when the icy drip / Melts from the mountains hoar, and Zephyr's breath / Unbinds the crumbling clod, even then 'tis time / Press deep your plough behind the groaning ox / And teach the furrow-burnished share to shine." "Book One of The Georgics, of course," Bush added.

Bush arranged the small, informal dinner in honor of Campos' unexpected arrival in America. "It had been too long since I'd heard one of W.'s anecdotes, so I simply got on a plane," Campos said. "I showed up at his doorstep with a watercolor by Ignat Bednarik, whom I know he adores, just to make sure he'd let me in."

Bush confessed that he has "long held a fascination with the classical world," noting that his love of Roman history influenced his decision to enter politics. "Virgil was born in the year 70 B.C.—let's see, that would be during the consulship of Gnaeus Pompeius The Great and Marcus Licinius Crassus, if I'm not mistaken," Bush said. "It is said that while Virgil's mother was with child, she dreamt she gave birth to a laurel branch, which, upon touching the ground, sprang up into a full-grown tree, its branches laden with ripe fruits and flowers. The next morning, she gave birth to Virgil. The legend goes that Virgil was born without crying, so mild was his countenance."

According to White House regulars, it is not uncommon for Bush to engage guests in discussions of whatever subject strikes his fancy, from the symphony playing in the background to the history of a style of jewelry a guest happens to be wearing. "I love to hear George hold court on this or that," said Bush family friend and world-renowned physicist Norberta Münter. "I tell him he is such a spoiled brat, the way he demands our attention, but I must confess I can't take my eyes off him when he does."

As the group sipped apple martinis and, in Bush's words, "recovered" from the Chilean sea bass, the president continued. "Most primarily associate Publius Vergilius Maro with The Aeneid," Bush told guests. "Yet so much pleasure is to be found in his lesser-known works—The Eclogues, completed in 37 B.C., and The Georgics, in 30 B.C., both of which praise the idyllic rural life." "You have to remember I'm a bit of a farm boy myself," chuckled Bush, referring to his 1,600-acre ranch in Crawford, TX.

"The Bucolics are my personal favorite," Bush said. "They were basically a thank-you to Asinius Pollio for preventing the seizure of Virgil's land by the Triumvirate when they ordered the lands on the far banks of the river Po distributed to veterans of the victory at Philippi. They are so sublime, so inspirational. But why should I speak, when Virgil can do so himself? And far more eloquently, I might add."

Bush then recited a selection from The Bucolics in the original Latin, pausing occasionally to translate into French out of respect for his friend Amélie du Maurier, a young Parisian concert violinist in attendance. Earlier in the evening, a blushing du Maurier admitted to Bush that she did not know Latin. Bush eased the young woman's embarrassment with a joke.

"I wouldn't be surprised if your father forbade you from learning Latin, out of sheer distaste for res publica," said Bush, alluding to du Maurier's ancestors' place in the ousted French aristocracy.

Despite urging from dinner guests to continue his Bucolics recitation, Bush declined. "I have already taken up far too much of your valuable time with my classical nattering," Bush said. "I dearly wish I could give you back this hour during which you so graciously indulged my dilettantism, but, as Plautus said, 'Factum est illud, fieri infectum non potest.' Done is done, it cannot be made undone."

Captain Blight
07-17-2008, 01:32 PM
It was great, eh Keith?

Mark, other than finding a way to accuse me of racism while maintaining "plausible deniability," do you have any other jokes to contribute to the thread?

Cripes.Have you never read The Onion? (http://www.theonion.com/content/index)

Some of the funniest and sharpest satire out there.

07-17-2008, 01:34 PM
I liked this one:


07-17-2008, 01:37 PM
In the spirit of the thread.....a bunch of years ago I did some work for White House communications......I had a photo of Reagan from one of his western movies, with his hat pushed back on his head, the sixgun in his left with the loading gate open, and putting a .38-40 round in the cylinder.......it had been autographed. Above the desk I had a nicely lettered quotation from Petronius Arbiter, and just below that one another old germanic dialect. I arrived at work and a few folks were standing around reading the notes, coffee in hand, and very serious looks on their faces.....I asked what was up....
They said the BOSS just walked through and said good morning to everyone, stopped and looked at the little signs, laughed himself silly and left, chuckling all the way out.........
The statement, perhaps falsely attributed to arbiter, was in latin

We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning
to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later
in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing;
and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress
while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization."
and the one in old German

All art (skill) is lost when an angel pi$$e$ on the flintlock of your musket.
We never found out which he found amusing, but he obviously could read both.

07-17-2008, 01:37 PM
It was great, eh Keith?

Mark, other than finding a way to accuse me of racism while maintaining "plausible deniability," do you have any other jokes to contribute to the thread?


I wasn't accusing you but instead the writer. Sorry you misunderstood but I didn't laugh in fact it made me mad and I think Obamas a pud of the first order.

07-17-2008, 01:41 PM
OK Mark. Internet "communication" is nothing if not easy to misinterpret.