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davidagage
01-23-2008, 09:18 AM
I just had this one sent to me...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . . .









"You just happened to catch my eye."

S.V. Airlie
01-23-2008, 10:23 AM
Obviously Dave, the packing is not going that well.....:rolleyes:;)

P.I. Stazzer-Newt
01-23-2008, 11:22 AM
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s30/whistlekiller/Ainsley.jpg

P.I. Stazzer-Newt
01-23-2008, 11:23 AM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Milo Christensen
01-23-2008, 11:32 AM
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing
in their home state of Arkansas.

On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. Bill was quite amused at this, but didn't mention anything at the time.

They exchanged hellos and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

brad9798
01-23-2008, 02:58 PM
If it happens again, it won't be the first time.

Dr.Spoke
01-24-2008, 04:59 AM
Elementary School:
John, can you spell cat?
Yes Miss, C A T
Jane, can you spell dog?
Yes Miss, DOG
Ahmed, can you spell racial discrimination?

Milo Christensen
01-24-2008, 07:59 AM
I apologize for posting this, it's a kind of tasteless Polish joke, the problem is that it is, unfortunately, true:


Twenty members of the Polish Air Force returning from a flight-safety conference have been killed when a transport plane crashed in the northwest of the country.

Bob Adams
01-24-2008, 08:50 PM
Here ya go...

One night in bed a woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

' Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.

He whispered back, ' I found the remote!'

Hwyl
01-24-2008, 09:03 PM
I just had this one sent to me...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . . .









"You just happened to catch my eye."

A young man was in a similar state of health, he only had one eye and seemed to be allergic to the materials of most prosthesis. Finally a doctor discovered that a false eye mad of (appropriately) wood worked fine.

Now the young man was terribly shy around members of the fair gender, so much so that counselling was recommended. The counsellor realised that the prosthesis was the problem and managed to persuade our young friend that it was not noticeable.

Soon after the man goes to a dance and ends up being asked to dance by a beautiful young woman in a black dress. They dance most of the evening up to and including some of the slow numbers. He realises that all is going well and he leans over and whispers in her ear. "Would you like to go outside so we can get a little closer".

She replies "Oh wouldn't I" but that's not how he heard it as he stomped off in embarrassment.

The Bigfella
01-25-2008, 04:10 AM
HANDLING A DIFFICULT CUSTOMER........

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasised his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

Vince Brennan
01-25-2008, 08:22 AM
A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room, screaming, and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The elder doctor then marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"




The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups ?"

Uncle Duke
01-25-2008, 09:26 AM
A woman was driving down the street in a panic because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "'Never mind. I found one."

Tom Robb
01-25-2008, 04:27 PM
HWL, ya missed the best part of the joke!
The girl is painfully shy because of her harelip birth defect.
He asks to dance. She says"Wouldn'I!"
He shouts, "Hare lip, hare lip!"

See, ya missed the really queazy, sick, politically incorrect part.

P.I. Stazzer-Newt
01-28-2008, 07:03 AM
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fu$%^ed if he needed glasses".