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Bill R
02-23-2007, 07:11 AM
So, late yesterday afternoon SWMBO calls me to ask when I would be home. My 15yo stepdaughter had made plans with a couple friends to go on a double date, and for her, it would be sort of a blind date. She had not yet met this young man in person. Since they were all going to meet at the movie theatre, SWMBO asked me to take her and go along, staying well away and by myself but being there just in case things went badly. Things went ok, and SD introduced me to this young gentleman. Despite the fact that he needed to pull up his pants, put his hat on straight, take a bath and get a job, he seemed ok. He was polite and referred to me as Mr. He had the handshake of a limp wristed dead fish though.

I came to a realization- I AM NOT READY FOR THIS!!! I am not so old that I don't remember what it was like to be a teenage boy, and that scares the crap out of me. AND I am not ready to be MR.! MR. is my father!

So, those of you who have been through this- any advice? Those of you who have been teenage daughters, please chime in as well.

I already have a shotgun, shovel and 50lb bag of lime...

cs
02-23-2007, 07:15 AM
I wouldn't mind hearing any advice. My daughter is 14 and this is scarry time for fathers.

Chad

Phillip Allen
02-23-2007, 07:16 AM
you are now off of impulse drive and into full warp drive...you can ride this horse...just keep one leg on one side and the other leg on the other side and your mind in the middle...good luck

The Bigfella
02-23-2007, 07:30 AM
Nothing to it. They were set in their future path by the time they were 7 - so just go with the flow - you're support staff now - and driver - I'm waiting till 12:30am to go and pick up my son (I'd rather do that than have him get a lift home from a licenced club with his mates).

ishmael
02-23-2007, 07:33 AM
Hoo boy, trouble. LOL. No kids, and I was never a teenage daughter, but I do have experience with the teenage boy side of things. I came of age when "Leave it to Beaver" was the ethos, and we still found ways to make trouble. Nowadays, all bets are off. Keep that lime handy!

But, seriously. At a certain age, I think fifteen fits, there's little you can do except set standards of behavior you expect to be met as long as she's under your roof. She's right on the brink of making her own decisions, for better or worse. If she's been well raised, she'll probably weather it. As well as any of us do. If I were her father a gangbanger clone would drive me to distraction, but what can you do?

Avoid forbidding her seeing certain people, which will just make the attraction stronger. You can't enforce it. It's like the trial lawyer: Don't ask a question you haven't already the answer to. Steer, don't brake.

How long have you been her father?

I don't envy you, though when I was coming of age the world seemed to be falling apart with the sixties brouhaha, and I muddled through. Hell, I didn't get a gal pregnant until I was out of college and it was no longer my parent's business.

On that encouraging note, adieu.

Good luck.

LeeG
02-23-2007, 08:22 AM
BillR, hang in there. It's ok,,you don't have to be ready. No one is ready. She's not ready, the teenage boys aren't ready, maybe SWMBO isn't ready.

Mr. is a good thing to be called. I know lots of 50yr old guys with limp wrist hand shakes. Would you feel any better if he had his pants up, a FIRM handshake, and riding a motorcycle?..don't worry, that'll happen next year.

mmd
02-23-2007, 08:43 AM
Tell 'em they can't or shouldn't do something and they almost certainly will do...

Tell 'em what you believe is right and wrong, and why, then empower them to make decisions that you promise to support (if not necessarily agree with) and you'll probably be pleasantly surprised at their maturity and sense.

So far, our worst teenage daughter trauma has been the inconsolable broken heart syndrome. It is inevitable, distressing, and ultimately a learning experience.

It ain't a fun ride, but it's exciting - hang on.


- mmd, father of newly-licensed, barely sixteen-year-old daughter. <eek!>

capt jake
02-23-2007, 08:46 AM
Tell 'em they can't or shouldn't do something and they almost certainly will do...

Tell 'em what you believe is right and wrong, and why, then empower them to make decisions that you promise to support (if not necessarily agree with) and you'll probably be pleasantly surprised at their maturity and sense.

So far, our worst teenage daughter trauma has been the inconsolable broken heart syndrome. It is inevitable, distressing, and ultimately a learning experience.

It ain't a fun ride, but it's exciting - hang on.


- mmd, father of newly-licensed, barely sixteen-year-old daughter. <eek!>

Additionally, be there to listen and talk. I missed out on that with one daughter and our relationship is less than the one I have with the other. The up side is, they do grow out of it. ;) My oldest is now into dental surgury (assistant). I am very proud of her now. She had the typical ups and downs during her teen years.

Mrleft8
02-23-2007, 08:50 AM
Yer gonna need more lime...

George Jung
02-23-2007, 08:57 AM
As the father of four daughters (I'd always dreamed of being surrounded by wimmin' - be careful, and specific, about what you wish for), I have a bit of experience here.
MMD, and others, pretty much nailed it. Your relationship, and trust issues, were established years ago. Too heavy handed, and the kids will rebel; too tough for the guys, and you scare off all but the bikers! I've tried to make it clear what my expectations are, to my girls AND their boyfriends. Someone once made the comment they had shown their pride and joy, a sportscar of some type, to a prospective boyfriend, and asked how he would care for it - ie, would he 'hotrod' it.
"Oh no, of course not". Well, I think more of my daughter than I do this car - point made?
Ready ear, offer advice (even when they protest - they're actually listening).
And I"ve told my girls they need to be good, and watch out for each other, because I can take care of ONE problem, but the prison term (or worse!) will ensure the rest are on their own. :D
Hope this has been helpful...

rbgarr
02-23-2007, 09:18 AM
I've been through this with two daughters (now 28 and 25).

One thing that made adolescence easier was that they understood our major concern was that we needed to know where they were, with who, what they were doing (hopefully having fun and interesting times) because we were concerned for their safety and happiness and NOT because we wanted to control them. Somehow that message got through and they ended up being willing to share what was going on in their private lives. Of course, there were things that were left out or shaded, but for the most part they were honest and straightforward. We asked about drinking and drugs and sex and parties and driving, etc. We learned that they generally used good judgment... and they learned that our interest was (surprise!) their happiness and safety.

We also believe that they ultimately needed to tell/ask us about things. Parents are important sounding boards at that age for bouncing things off of that they've heard elsewhere.

George Roberts
02-23-2007, 09:24 AM
15 year old girls should not be spending time in dark places with boys.

TomF
02-23-2007, 09:24 AM
Just moving into this territory myself - daughter's 15 and frighteningly cute.

She's also very bright, and thinks well of herself ... so the boys who've so far passed muster tend to be bright, and think well of her. She's not yet fallen for the other sort...

We've been trying to help her keep a distinction in her head between what her biology might be attracted to, and what a guy who really cares about her might be like. The first might be more exciting, but the second will be a whole lot better for her.

paladin
02-23-2007, 09:33 AM
Two daughters...neither ever listened much to daddy's advice about boys.....on the good side, one broke her first husbands collarbone, jaw, and several teeth when he slapped her....and the other daughters husband was scared to death of her after she told him not to spank the baby.........both are well into their second husbands..:D

ishmael
02-23-2007, 09:44 AM
Freud had a notion, very much out of patriarchal history but couched in the primordial mists, of a head monkey, a wizened elder male, who kept his harem by force until a younger upstart successfully dethroned him.

Jung's comment on the harem image was, yeah, might as well try to control a box full of spiders.

KimWard
02-23-2007, 09:44 AM
Bill
My daughter, 27 now and a Phd in economics was a classic tomboy til 15 . Then she went off the rails for an intense 3 months at the beginning of grade 9. Then it was like a lightbulb went on and she decided "ok, that was fun now I'd better get some good marks". And she did. Athletics and academics became her focus and boy am I glad.Your good raising up from infancy to 7 years comes back to sustain them in the teen years. Kim

Tristan
02-23-2007, 10:14 AM
Ho boy (sighs). Like George, I am the father of four daughters. Three are now in their 40's, all doing well in all respects. They are loving, bright, productive "girls." All three, each in her own way, put me through hell for varying periods of time beginning when each achieved age 14 or 15. My current little princess is 17. She has maintained quite high grades into highschool (she'll be a senior next year), has always been active in sports (soccer, qymnastics) and dance (dance line and competative dance team), has "dated" (meaning experimented with sex) a couple boys, had one six month relationship with "real boy friend" who was a HS dropout, covered with tatoos, age 18. Has experimented with pot and cold pills, has gotten into trouble for one fight at school, one speeding ticket, and various other infractions of rules involving curfew times. She is amazingly competent, has worked at various jobs since age 15 and is driven to be self sufficient. She's a really wonderful kid, like other teens, struggling to fit in while feeling her way into maturity. And she worries me sick a lot of the time. Cutting those apron strings HURTS LIKE HELL. As others have said and implied, you've got to continue to offer guidance, and occasionally you have to rescue them, but they have to find their own way. The clay is out of the mold and the firing is now underway.

Wild Dingo
02-23-2007, 10:43 AM
aaaahhh Bill mate DONT listen to this mob!! As father of 6 girls... 3 now past their teen years one the same age as mmd's girl anothe a year younger and one a year younger than her listen to me... alright?

Right!!

Dont take the Mr bizzo mate!! its bullshyte! what the kid is actually sayin is "you silly ol fart" its all pretense!!! he obviously has no respect for himself... your discription says that... he just wants to... ahem... and KNOWS that to do so he needs to be nice to the old man... believe me here mate!!

now you also say
already have a shotgun, shovel and 50lb bag of lime. well mate Id suggest you get a chastity belt and a flak jacket with specially made locks that only you can decode and force the hoonette to wear it!!

Another way is to ditch the false teeth when a fella turns up don aberalls an say somethin like
'youall touch mah baby between the neck an knees boy an yer gonna be squeekin like a squirrel with its knuts crushed yer hear me boy? then slap him as hard as hell upside the head hopefully knockin his damned hat of his noggin "ah dont be a flamin baby boy when yer come aroun here youall wear yer damned daks up yer hear me son? youall come back wif em aroun yer ankles agin boy an you aint gonna be goin nowheres youall gots thet? now pull them damned things UP show some respek boy show some respek!" of course this will only work if your standin there with the shotgun cradled in yer arms... kids today are visual critters :rolleyes:

no mate your doomed make your peace now is my advice cause once they start your stuffed roasted and fried from now on... an there aint nothin you can do about it!!! :eek:

gawd give me boys ANYDAY!!! :cool: hoonettes re a bloody fathers nightmare... you think my once dark locks went white before I was 40 cause of the weather? flamin hoonettes!! one bloody worry after another they are.. oh great little princesses but once the boys come sniffin... man the hair goes white or out the window the ulcers grow to compete with Everest and you suddenly HOPE AND PRAY like you never have before that they actually did listen to all the teachin you gave em :o

nah give up take the gun go huntin go sailin go fishin go do ANYTHING!... just remember that old saying of fathers everywhere

Not long now till freedom rings!:D

Keith Wilson
02-23-2007, 10:44 AM
I have one daughter, now 20. I think the important thing to realize is that you've made your mark already, and now she's moving under her own power. Her course from now on is going to be mostly her decision. Not that you shouldn't have anything to say, or stop being involved, or anything like that, but your days of having real control are mostly over. She may do well, she may do badly; she may decide to listen to your good counsel or not, but she's the one who will decide that. Your influence will very soon be limited to a choice between gentle persuasion and nuclear weapons. Despite every father's instincts, the boys won't be the problem; if she wants to, she will. If she doesn't want to, she won't. Not to frighten you, but my daughter was hell on wheels for three years. Both she and our relationship survived with minimal damage, fortunately, and have come out the other side pretty well.

glenallen
02-23-2007, 10:46 AM
Dig a hole with the shovel.
Pour the lime into the hole.
Take the shotgun and get into the hole.
Shoot yourself!

Nah, it's not that bad.
My big concern raising daughters was not that they would get hurt doing something wrong, but that they were so vulnerable even when doing everything right.
Stay in close touch with her and let her know she can depend upon you and trust you....and hope for the best.
Good luck!

LeeG
02-23-2007, 10:47 AM
Keith reminds me,,,it gets better

John of Phoenix
02-23-2007, 11:07 AM
I already have a shotgun, shovel and 50lb bag of lime...
Make sure they're visible to any visitors. ;)

You're in the jaws of the storm right now. It gets better in about 18 months. Keep talking to her. Ask questions. Keep your wits about you. You and your wife need to put out a united, consistent message, whatever you decide it is. Good luck.

Gonzalo
02-23-2007, 11:47 AM
Keith said it well. By the time they are well into their teens you have very limited control. I would say that it is important to have limits and boundaries, but some kids flout them badly, and there isn't much you can do short of physical restraint.

So my advice is not to do anything to close the doors of communication. Trying to exert too much control might do that, but it depends on your stepdaughter and you. Stay flexible. She might not communicate very much, but be there when she does.

Open your home to her friends as much as possible. If you know and like her friends it may go a long way toward maintaining trust. Even if you don't like them, hold your tongue except maybe in extreme cases.

Let your love for her be known at all times, even in conflict.

So that's my free advice, and it's worth every penny!

Keith Wilson
02-23-2007, 11:50 AM
Let your love for her be known at all times, even in conflict. That bit is worth a lot more than he paid for it. http://www.woodenboatvb.com/vbulletin/upload/images/icons/icon14.gif

Katherine
02-23-2007, 12:25 PM
The only difference between the disreputable guys she meets now and the disreputable guys she meets when she's older, is that the older ones are usually better dressed and able to be charged as adults.

htom
02-23-2007, 01:11 PM
I have no children but a bunch of nieces and nephews; by the time they are teenagers, they have to have learned "there's no control but self-control" because they basicly don't hear anyone -- whether it's even parents or especially parents I don't know -- until it's over. I'm reminded of Ambasador Kosh on Babylon 5 remarking on the control of events: (When) The avalanche (puberty) has already started; it is too late for the pebbles (parents) to vote.

David W Pratt
02-23-2007, 01:43 PM
you started planning for this ab ovo as they say.
BTW, a pig farm is supposed to work better than lime.
Good luck.

Bill R
02-23-2007, 04:51 PM
Thanks all. SWMBO and SD also got a chuckle out of the replies.

On the way home, I also made a few stops:
-HD for aother 2000lbs of lime, couple, extra shovels and quick setting concrete (I live on a lake)
-WalMart and bought the legal limit for shotgun shells, wnt back and bought some more
-local metal shop for some plate steel for a chastity belt

I am also checking the housing association bylaws for anything regarding pig farms.

On a serious note, thanks all. It looks like we are as much on the right course as possible.

peb
02-23-2007, 05:18 PM
I'll disagree with Keith. You can still have lots of control with your teenage daughters and keep a good positive relativionship. As with dating, my rule is: not in high school, unless it is a special dance (e.g. homecoming) AND you go with a group of friends, no one-on-one dates. I know other families with stricter policies than this. One daughter about to graduate, the other daughter is a sophmore, so far, so good. Last year my 18 yo son did have a "girl friend" for a short time. I don't think they went out on any dates by themselves. Hund around our house some with their friends, hung around other friends home's some. Went out to eat. I don't remember him ever picking her up or taking her home.

Dating is a bad idea for teenagers. It accomplishes nothing. It adds a lot of social stress to their lives that they don't need. And it is a near occasion of sin.

ishmael
02-23-2007, 05:33 PM
Geez, Peb, how do you supervise such a regime? I mean you aren't around them all the time. How do you know who she's seeing during and after school for example? Don't they go out by themselves sometimes?

Hm, when I was in my twenties I dated a Catholic gal a few times. She was the absolute worst kisser. I had to instruct, which was very awkward. Nice woman, but tightly wound at 26.

P.S. I was never promiscuous save for a memorable time there during my twenties. Mostly mediocre or bad memories, with a few exceptions. In adolescence there was time to explore with more than a little innocence. Learning how to kiss, how to touch, are, I think, important parts of coming of age. But, the pressure was different then. The cultural pressure toward sex these days would have me in the garage tinkering with more comfortable chastity belts.

Keith Wilson
02-23-2007, 05:34 PM
I'll disagree with Keith. You can still have lots of control with your teenage daughters and keep a good positive relativionship. Perhaps I didn't put it quite like I intended (or maybe you actually disagree). I didn't say that one shouldn't have rules or expectations; but that when it comes right down to it, the choice to follow them or not is now theirs. Some teenagers take a while to realize this, some find out quite early. Most choose to go along most of the time; some don't.

WX
02-23-2007, 05:51 PM
I realized there wasn't anything I could do to stop nature, so I figured education and advice was better. I made sure my kids had condoms and I told my daughters to remember that an erect penis has no memory and no conscience.
All have turned out well I'm pleased to say.

Rick Tyler
02-23-2007, 06:01 PM
"How much for your women? How much for the little girl?" -- Joliet Jake Blues

David Tabor (sailordave)
02-23-2007, 06:46 PM
My daughter will be 16 in May..... IF I don't throttle her first!:eek:


To hear her you would think that my primary purpose in existing on the face of the Earth is to make her life a living hell.

Teenagers are very selfish creatures; girls in particular. Yeah, I know there are some that AREN'T, but as a rule...

You wouldn't believe the ridiculous things she wants... like for me to pay for the airfare for some boy to come visit from London and stay a week here at the house. HUH? WTH?

WX
02-23-2007, 07:05 PM
When you are a teenager, you are the centre of the universe, everything else and everyone else is often secondary.
Unless of course in the case of girls, it's some pimply neanderthal boy who's eyebrows meet in the middle.

Frederick Bolton
02-23-2007, 07:32 PM
Well, I have two teen age daughters that are very pretty and of the age that dating is coming into question so I might be able to help with some advice.

First, ten years ago, I saw the handwriting on the wall and figured I better get a strategy together, So, I moved 40 miles into the mountains. Now, what that does is weed out the dead wood among the boys. It is a 160 mile round trip to come and get her, go back to town, bring her back and then go back home. At 2.25 a gallon the kid will have to have a pretty good job and a decent car or he won't even make it up here. In the winter he will need 4 wheel drive. That pretty much weeds out the ones with baggy pants and their hats on backwards because most good paying employers won't hire them and their low rider boom box cars can't handle the roads.

Second, I have always treated my daughter with respect in the manner I would want their husband to treat them some day. Girls learn about men from their dads. Respect and trust are key.

Third, I have a requirement that I meet the boy first. It is up to them to figure out how to do that. He must be introduced to me by my daughter/s. When they meet me they must shake my hand firmly and look me in the eye and then be able to hold a conversation. Nothing is worse than someone who says hi and looks at their shoes.

Because I laid the groundwork for this years ago, and treat each young man who raises to these expectations with respect, my daughters see that they inturn respect me.

However, with each one, I manage to send the daughter involved to get some more ice tea, snacks, etc, and while she is gone I give that boy the evil eye and let him know that I have very firm expectations about his conduct as a gentleman. They get the point.

To date, each boy has risin to these expectations. If they won't, my daughters have begun to see that these are weak young men and politely say no thank you.

Now, a word of caution, watch out for those real polite boys. Those are the ones you really have to worry about.

Long story short, if you raised your daughters with good role modeling, have standards set in advance, and don't overeact, you will be fine. Remember, you didn't turn out all that bad yourself. Enjoy the play, at time you will find humor it the dance.

Nanoose
02-23-2007, 07:51 PM
As parents, we have the right/responsibility to sometimes say no. For us, and our daughter, a BLIND DATE at 15, to a movie was not an option. Dating someone they know, and we have come to know, possibly. AND, at 15, she wasn't "making plans" without running them by us.

p.s. About 3 weeks ago, a young man came and asked us for PERMISSION to ask our daughter out! Blew us away!, in this 'day and age'. Needless to say, we were quite impressed.

Katherine
02-23-2007, 07:52 PM
I WAS a teenage girl. You're all SOL.:D

Tristan
02-23-2007, 08:04 PM
I WAS a teenage girl. You're all SOL.:D

Hi Kat, I'm glad you posted this because I think some of these guys have their heads way too far in the sand (but I was much too polite to say so). My wife was not allowed to date, ran away with the first guy she fell for at age 18, realized too late she'd made a big mistake, was divorced after four miserable years, and spent the next few, not always happy, years finding out what guys are all about. We are pretty strict with our daughter about school work, curfews, and who she hangs out with. ON the other hand, when she's away from the house I'm not dumb enough to think she doesn't hang out with whoever she wants. So far she's not screwed up bad and hopefully the 17 years she's lived with us have given her something useful in her later life.

Katherine
02-23-2007, 08:09 PM
All the fathers should go back an read my first post. My father could tell you how true it is. There are somethings you just can't control.

Oh yeah, it's not the guys that look like the bad boys that you have to be afraid of, it's the ones that look normal that are the most trouble.

Rich VanValkenburg
02-23-2007, 09:40 PM
Oh boy. Here's another boat I could crew on. My oldest daughter is 24 and going through that inconsolable broken heart thing. Nothing I say helps.
My youngest daughter is 19 and still hanging with a guy that's almost a father's worst nightmare. Didn't finish high school, no job, no ambition, broken home. SWMBO thinks daughter believes she can rescue him from oblivion, but I think daughter looks like she's the one who needs rescueing. And nothing I say makes any sense to her. My BIL's daughter is same age and has the same problem.

Here's a question to any sane woman out there, Why in heck do young girls think the world of deadbeat guys? Where is their common sense?

My son knows which road he's on and I'm proud of him. My girls appear to be brain dead. We should compare notes again in 5 years if I survive it.

Rich

Frederick Bolton
02-23-2007, 09:42 PM
Agreed Katherine, it's those polite ones you have to keep one eye open with all the time. I was a polite one at that age. Deflowered many under the radar and got handshakes in the process. Ain't life a great show. You just gota smile and keep on going.

ishmael
02-23-2007, 09:50 PM
My teenage dating was right in the middle of the sexual revolution of the sixties. Yet, the girls I dated and I remained pretty innocent. We were good kids. We knew it was forbidden to us for good reasons, and we, for the most part, conformed. There were the typical teenage pregnancies that happen all the time, but for the most part I remember it as a time of exploration within boundaries agreed upon. I think most of my peers lived inside the same boundaries.

It was good, and right. We learned how to kiss and touch, learned about basic physiognamy without risking pregnancy. Because we were smart, and knew we weren't ready.

I was amazed one time, home for a visit, when a teenage girl came running out of the neighbor's house, crying hysterically. It was a weekend, the parents were away, and the young man of the house was having a party. Must have been fifteen. The girl literally ran into my arms. She'd had sex at the party, had thought better of it, and was very upset. The young man came out and corralled her, but I was taken aback. It wasn't my experience of just ten years previous. A strange license drove it.

Balance. I don't think it good for young people not able to support themselves let alone a baby to be having sexual intercourse. But experimentation, within boundaries, seems as natural as the rain.

P.S. In a fine short novel, "Cannery Row" Steinbeck observes that the typical male of the time knew much more about the carb of a Model T than he knew about the clitoris.

George Jung
02-23-2007, 10:02 PM
It's the 'I'm going to save this guy' syndrome, I suspect.

Regarding the comments made about being too protective of our daughters - agreed, but only to a point. I think my daughters have nicely used the excuse that 'dad won't allow it', if only when they need an out. And that's not such a bad thing.

Quiet, polite boys - I was one. And I was probably the best behaved of any guys I knew.... which is also one of the scarey things, for me. But as far as guys 'taking advantage'..... I don't recall that happening, but I sure found out about those quiet girls! Probably a foreign concept to many here, but a guy shouldn't have to be the one saying 'no'.....:D

peb
02-23-2007, 10:17 PM
Perhaps I didn't put it quite like I intended (or maybe you actually disagree). I didn't say that one shouldn't have rules or expectations; but that when it comes right down to it, the choice to follow them or not is now theirs. Some teenagers take a while to realize this, some find out quite early. Most choose to go along most of the time; some don't.

Sorry, I misunderstood what you were saying. I read your post too quickly. And you are correct, it is still their choice to follow or not.

merlinron
02-24-2007, 09:08 AM
Katherine.....

ROFLMAO!!, i think you have the best answer!!
all the work should be done by the time they're 15. the best thing you can do now is make sure they understand that they can come to you to talk about anything... and i mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.....

girls in general,at least i know my daughter was/is, are very much more reflective in thought, and will think about things they've talked about allot more and longer than boys will. it will also have allot more wieght in thier decision. if they.ve been given good advice and feel like their talking to you was worth doing, they usually come to the right decision all by themselves. i might sound a little too trusting, but in most respects, by the time they're 15, as Katherine said... you are truley S.O.L. .... once they walk out that front door, they' re gonna do what they're gonna do........ the only thing you can rely on is that that they "think" allot more than boys.

Tristan
02-24-2007, 10:16 AM
Guys! Did it ever occur to you that the young ladies, just as young men, can be predators, can WANT to try out their wings with sex, drugs, and alcohol, and can lead our sons way astray? How many of you were deflowered (or worse, scared sh-tless) by aggressive girls your own age? Had I not been so scared, and had I known what to do, I would have succumbed to more than one nubile (or not so nubile) young lady early on in my teens or preteens.

Wild Dingo
02-24-2007, 10:48 AM
I was initially the "perfect" nice young fella... short back an sides firm handshake look em in the eye respectfull no worrys... and there was rarely a time it didnt work ;) ... then I grew my hair down to my bum couldnt care less what Daddy thought... and that worked without fail :cool: ... I was also for a time mr responsibly young man good job good car plenty of money good prospects for the future clean tidy the ideal boyfriend material... and by gawd that worked as well :cool:

Let me tell you something... You cant bloody tell!! they all have a one track mind... no make that a three track mind!! at that age every one of them... the dirt track the skirt track and the track back for more!! :eek:

So I KNOW alright!! dont trust the sods!! :mad:

AND!!! The girls were worse! :eek: oooohhh yeah they were as bad if not worse than any young fella born... the precious princesses the rich little daddys girls the whatever!!

Bill mate... your doomed :( sorry but there you go shoulda controlled them urges :D :D


note... sorry to put the wind up yer Bill but you can believe the others if you wish and think you have nothing to worry about... or you can shyte kittens now get it over with and enjoy them as they grow into the women you hope they will be... sometimes it works out but either way just be there for them regardless... good luck ;) and mate?... wont be long and you too will be sayin "how long? not long!! let freedom ring :)

Gonzalo
02-24-2007, 11:04 AM
My brother-in-law was quite concerned when his teenaged daughter was dating a "bad boy," a real knuckle-dragger to hear him tell it now. At some point he engaged the boy and one of his friends in a conversation, which turned to the subject of playing pool. Brother-in-law Greg asked the Neanderthal if he played a lot. The young man nodded and said, "Him and me, we used to suck, but then we got better." Greg said that at that moment he relaxed because, knowing his daughter, he was certain the boy wouldn't be around long. He wasn't.

LeeG
02-24-2007, 11:17 AM
Gonzalo, that's good.

to BillR, I just got an email from my daughter responding to an e-mail I sent with some photos attached.

Here's the good part, now those years are past,,and they weren't easy through 11th grade, she chastises me on my lack of contextual descriptions for the photos AND she uses the word "whilst".

I love it. Much better than a year ago when whe was going to sleep in the park armed with a knife because she'd had it with me and her sister.

George Roberts
02-24-2007, 11:36 AM
Young kids are stupid and they make mistakes.

It is a parent's job to limit those mistakes. One never wants a mistake to end in a death or a new little life.

There are lots of effective ways to limit mistakes.

S/V Laura Ellen
02-24-2007, 12:01 PM
Before you say anything to her (or to anyone that may pass the message along) take some time and think first. Ask SWMBO (that's what she's there for) before do say or do anything. And then remember it will still be the wrong thing to say, but at least she will ony hate you for a short amount of time (~5 - 10 years).:D

Tristan
02-24-2007, 12:13 PM
Before you say anything to her (or to anyone that may pass the message along) take some time and think first. Ask SWMBO (that's what she's there for) before do say or do anything. And then remember it will still be the wrong thing to say, but at least she will ony hate you for a short amount of time (~5 - 10 years).:D

Yep, the scary thing though, is that wives were once teenagers, and in talking to wives one may find out some things that one wishes one had never learned, both things about what women REALLY think, and what THEY did when THEY were teenagers!:eek:

Tom Hoffman
02-24-2007, 01:05 PM
I did not have the stamina to read all the responses, however I believe my solution to Teen Daughters is unique and works well.

When my wifes two daughters approached their teenage years, we just simply put them up for sale on EBAY and made some money to go on Vacation to the Caribbean. If you wait too long, and they actually become REAL teenagers, you can't give them away!!!!

Eventually, they came slinking back, pregnant with some poor loosers kid, we had to be strong and not let them move in, over the next few years, dispite our best efforts to ignore them, they have grown up and now have families of their own and we have 6 beautiful grandchilderen, who it is our special joy to spoil and teach all kinds of neet stuff.

Have a good one......

LeeG
02-24-2007, 01:16 PM
Before you say anything to her (or to anyone that may pass the message along) take some time and think first. Ask SWMBO (that's what she's there for) before do say or do anything. And then remember it will still be the wrong thing to say, but at least she will ony hate you for a short amount of time (~5 - 10 years).:D


thinking isn't a bad idea but it takes a lot of work sometimes. And sometimes the thoughts aren't good. Breathing,,I'd start with breathing THEN try thinking.

If you've got a partner that helps, great. But I wonder if a partner called SWMBO simply complicates a relationship between two people into three. It's bothersome to see the number of dads SOL when a marriage ends because the dad mediated his relationship with his kids through his wife and when there's no wife,,,there aint much relationship with kids.

LeeG
02-24-2007, 01:30 PM
dang, more thoughts.

Go back to the times when they were babies and there was NOTHING you could do to make it better except everything you did,,and wait it out.

Or they were four years old and YOU had to be 110% consistant in YOUR behaviour/expectations/rewards to get consistancy in theirs.

Basically suspend all expectation for positive responses or rewards that you're doing it right. I know that's not possible. Just do it right and maybe, maybe not, you'll get the desired response. In the mean time seek validation for your positions from other parents because your teenage daughter does not have the perspective or need to validate yours.

This is the time they HAVE TO break away and they aren't there to make the task understandable or easy for you.

It'll make you very grateful later on and gratitude is a good thing, much better than being right.

Bill R
02-24-2007, 07:29 PM
What I am gathering from all of this is basically, no matter what I do, Im screwed.

Co-worker of mine who has recently gone through this told me "The most dangerous creature on the face of the earth is the human adolescent female".

What really scares me is along the lines of what Katherine said. I was always well dressed, polite, short hair, gainfully employed, honor student, etc. I was also a father's worst nightmare behind the scenes. Scares the crap out of me.

LeeG
02-24-2007, 07:51 PM
oh come on,,do you really expect her to not develop intimate friendships before the age of 18?

ishmael
02-24-2007, 07:57 PM
A dear old friend had triplets nine years ago. Two girls, one boy. Hoo boy! Consider yourself blessed. LOL.

Um, golly. Raising kids today. I do think at a point you have to trust what you've taught them and let them go to make their own mistakes. Be there, set boundaries for what's acceptable in your house, and roll the dice. She'll make mistakes. None of us are perfect. Be there, try to keep talking. You seem a pretty wise fellow. She'll be fine, or not. No matter how good the parenting young adults sometimes get into messes. Too much energy, not enough sense. It's not, by any stretch, always the parent's fault.

Good luck.

Katherine
02-24-2007, 08:44 PM
I was also a father's worst nightmare behind the scenes. That's usually how it goes.