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John Bell
02-11-2007, 10:05 PM
Misery. The annual church chili cook-off just concluded. Twenty four pots to taste, most acceptable, a couple really good, and others just plain awful. Hint, hot dogs and vienna sausges are not acceptable meat for chili. Urp.

Then there was my buddy who wound up in huge trouble with his wife because he napped when he should have been keeping the chili pot stirred. When he awoke to find it scorched, his desperation to repair the damage let to extreme measures such as adding copious amounts of various seasonings like cinnamon and bourbon. It didn't work.

One joke was that we should have brought a lighter and a yardstick for another contest about two hours after the chili was gone.

C'mon Zantac, kick in soon! Urp.

Phillip Allen
02-11-2007, 10:06 PM
anyone want me to post the Texas chilli contest joke again?

TimH
02-11-2007, 10:11 PM
anyone want me to post the Texas chilli contest joke again?
yep...
:confused:

Phillip Allen
02-11-2007, 10:12 PM
These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named
Frank, who was
visiting
Texas from the East Coast.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be
standing
there at the judge's table asking directions where I could
find the
Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me
I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the
scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3--(me). Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove
dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope
that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
takenseriously.

Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm
supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me
the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on
my
face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.

Judge #2--A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers

Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like
I've
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer
before
I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front
part
of my chest. Plus, I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other
mild
foods; not much of a chili.

Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to
taste
it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound bitch is
starting to look HOT -
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding
considerable kick; very impressive.

Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics.
The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it
from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off
that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming ...screw those
rednecks!

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and
peppers.

Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic.
Superb.

Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She
must be kinkier than I thought. I can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe
my
ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of
chilipeppers
at the last moment. I should make note that I am worried
about Judge #3 ...
he
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't
feel
a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides
unnoticed out of
my
mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my
shirt. At least
during
the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing ...
it's too painful. Screw it ... I'm not getting any oxygen
anyhow. If I
need
air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but
spicy
enough to declare it's existence.

Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili.
Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry
to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,
fell over and
pulled
the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it.
Poor
bugger ... wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?

ishmael
02-11-2007, 10:16 PM
I've got a chili recipe that will knock the socks off a confirmed Catholic bride of Christ. I've shared it before. It's got a fair dollop of cocoa(chocolate, not cocaine) in the recipe list. I've never had anything but secret smiles around it. It's too much work to post at the moment, but fairly simple stuff. Good meats, good hots, good sweets, salt and savory. The proper blend, the recipe, is important. Maybe tomorrow.

coelacanth2
02-11-2007, 10:17 PM
A buddy used to run a Halloween costume party/chili cookoff. A few years back I won the entry for "most inedible" - I'd gone rather too heavy of the amounts and varieties of hot peppers. I remember one of the guys, who usually carried his own bottle of hot sauce on bike trips, belting down root beer ( he doesn't drink ) whilst attempting to put down a bowl of the stuff. 6'3", 250 lbs, sweating profusely, beet red, "Gawd the tastes great, didya have to make it so damned hot?":D
Did anyone use any exotic critters? I recall one Texas receipe that caled for "a 'coon an hour' for 12 hours. I would have laughed, except that he had 4 or 5 dead raccoons lying there...

coelacanth2
02-11-2007, 10:25 PM
Oh Lordy, I hadn't seen that before. I have tears running down my face, I will take that to the office for my staff, they will love it. Thank you

Phillip Allen
02-11-2007, 10:29 PM
Oh Lordy, I hadn't seen that before. I have tears running down my face, I will take that to the office for my staff, they will love it. Thank you

You get extra points if you can read it to them...dead pan

Figment
02-11-2007, 10:41 PM
Hot dogs and vienna sausages?
Wow. You were actually required to taste that? No automatic DQ as a mercy for the judges?

(That 'snow cone' line gets me every damned time!)

Phillip Allen
02-11-2007, 10:47 PM
I LOVE that old joke!

John Bell
02-11-2007, 10:52 PM
Hot dogs and vienna sausages?
Wow. You were actually required to taste that? No automatic DQ as a mercy for the judges?

(That 'snow cone' line gets me every damned time!)

I later learned that 'distinctive' recipe was the pastor's entry. His prayer as he pronounced the blessing "...and please let my chili win. Amen." was not answered.

Mrleft8
02-12-2007, 10:17 AM
Iwas a judge in a chili contest where one guy (who had lost several years in a row previously), purposfully tried to hurt the judges by making the chili too hot. Sad thing was.... Not only was it just plain too hot, but it didn't even taste good. He was banned for life after that.

Popeye
02-12-2007, 10:21 AM
chili with corn and sour cream is good , pinch oregano and grated cheddar

serve up with jalapena corn bread , mmmm mm

glenallen
02-12-2007, 12:37 PM
Nothing worse in the world than bad chili.
Really hot chili is not good chili.

In contests, the judges quickly eliminate all those too hot chilis and warn one another so they don't all get scorched. After all, what good is it if you can't eat it? And what good is a judge if he can't taste anything for an hour after the first bite.

They also eliminate chilis with outlandish ingredients floating around in there.
Thanks, Phillip, for posting that story again. It's a screamer!

Keith Wilson
02-12-2007, 01:07 PM
A couple of years ago our church had a chili contest in which there was a prize for the hottest chili. Well, I said, I can do that, so I made a batch of fairly ordinary chili and added a whole 16-oz bottle of habanero pepper puree. It was really hot; almost inedible, but hot. It would have made decent hot sauce in spoonfuls, but eating a bowl of it was an exercise in masochism, even for me.

The overall winning chili, BTW, had pork and, God help us, pineapples in it. It was really good, although decidedly non-traditional; I make it sometimes to this day.