A man walks into a bar..

[P.I. Stazzer-Newt]

A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager. Spotting a bowl of peanuts on the counter, he reaches out to take a few. To his surprise the peanuts start talking to him. "My, how handsome you're looking tonight", they say.

Somewhat baffled the man assumes he is hearing things; he decides he needs a smoke and goes over to the cigarette vending machine to buy a packet, but as he approaches the cigarette machine, it begins to hurl abuse at him. "You ugly swine!", it shouts."Call yourself a man with your effeminate clothes? And your breath stinks, you moron!!"

Now totally rattled the man appeals to the barman. "What's going on?", he cries. "Am I going mad?" "Oh, I'm so sorry Sir", replies the barman. "I should have warned you. The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order".

[Norman Bernstein]

*groan*

[S.V. Airlie]

Be glad he didn't want to play darts...

[Gary E]

be glad there wasnt a Monkey and a pool table in the joint..

[S.V. Airlie]

Gary.. well in that case, he would have had to wait for his que.

[Gary E]

Dif joke... I was refering to the one where the Monkey uses a ring gage to measure the peanuts..

[S.V. Airlie]

Guess I don't go to enough bars.. ummm..pubs.

[Figment]

An Hasidic Rabbi walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
Bartender asks: Hey, where'd you find that funny little guy?

Monkey replies: Brooklyn! They've got hundreds of 'em!

I dunno why, but that one gets me every time.

[geeman]

I dont "do" bars anymore.I spent too many years in bars making a living throwing drunks or other trouble makers out,it sorta killed my fascination with em.

[Joe ( Cold Spring on Hudson )]

A Rabbi a Priest a lawyer, a blond, a monkey, and a donkey walk into a bar.

The bartender goes .... what is this some kind of joke ;) :D

[geeman]

SO, how did the blonde make out?

[S.V. Airlie]

Geeman
She used a manual with a lot of pictures.

[glenallen]

The way I heard it a tongue-tied Chinese midget walked into a bar.....

[adampet]

A blonde walks into a bar...........You'd thought she'd use the door.

Adam

[WX]

A man walks into the pub with an emu and a cat, the man goes up to the bar and buys a round of beers and takes them back to the table. A bit later the emu does the same, and this goes on most of the day. Finally the barman says to the man, " hey what's with the cat, I've only seen you and the emu buying drinks?" "Ah" says the man " It's sad story, I was walking along the beach and found one of those Alladin lamps so I picked it and gave it a rub. The genie popped out and what did I wish for but bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

[stevebaby]

An Irishman with a fat white duck under his arm walks into a bar.
"No pigs in the bar!", says the bartender.
"Tis not a pig.", says Paddy, "Tis a duck!"
"I wasn't talking to you." says the bartender, "I was talkin' to the duck."

[Popeye]

two peanuts walk into a bar and one of them was a salted

[David Tabor (sailordave)]

" It's sad story, I was walking along the beach and found one of those Alladin lamps so I picked it and gave it a rub. The genie popped out and what did I wish for but bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

Like the guy that walks into a restaurant w/ an emu and orders fish and chips and a root beer. Emu says I'll have the same thing. When the waitress brings the bill she says that'll be 18.79. Guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out EXACTLY 18.79 AND 2.82 tip for the waitress. WOW she thinks...

Next day here comes the guy w/ the emu right behind him. Orders a slice of apple pie, ice cream and some milk to wash it down w/. Emu orders the same damn thing. Waitress brings the bill, says that'll be 8.50. Guy reaches into is pocket and pulls out 8.50 PLUS 1.28 tip for the waitress. Waitress is really impressed now so she says how do you do that?
Guys says well, I was walking on the beach one day and found a lamp and a genie came out of it and told me I could have TWO wishes. Now I thought about asking for 10 MILLION dollars, but I got to thinking that sooner or later I'd run out of money. So I asked the genie if anytime I needed money I could put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount I needed would be there.
THAT is SO COOL says the waitress, b/c you'll never run out of money and you don't have to carry any money and you'll never get robbed and you can get anything you want!
But what's w/ the EMU?

Oh, says the guy rolling his eyes. My second wish....
What was that says the waitress?
I asked the genie for a tall chick w/ long legs who'd always agree w/ me.



Ba dum BUMP

[stevebaby]

A man of indeterminate but possibly Celtic ancestry,wearing a large hat, walks into a bar.
"No hats in the bar!, says the barman,"Off with it!'
The man removes the hat to reveal a large green frog.
"Mother of God!", the barman exclaims,"Where didja get that thing!"
"Well,believe it or not," says the frog,"He started out as a wart on my arse."

[Popeye]

after last call, the RCMP officer notices him leaving the bar and apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with
the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and
trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more
minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the
parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
patrol car put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the
man having consumed any alcohol at all. Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters, this
breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud man "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[P.I. Stazzer-Newt]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Andrew Craig-Bennett]

One from my 12 year old son:

Two blondes walk into a bar...

one of them should have been looking...

[Joe ( Cold Spring on Hudson )]

This has all the making of a Humor, I just need some humor thread <wink> hint, nudge.

Some truly classic ones here :D :D :D :D :D

[john l]

hi joe-good thread!
a tall dark haired woman in a sleeveless paisley dress swaggers into a bar and all patrons at tables and bar take notice. she looks over at the bar, raises her arm, revealing a hairy armpit and says any of you gents care to buy a lady a drink? an old timey, s..t faced drunk regular at the end of bar says, bartender give the ballerina a drink. the drunk shells out the cash and continues drinking. a little later the woman raises her arm again and says, any of you gents care to buy a lady a drink? the old timey drunk regular says, bartender give the ballerina a drink. the drunk shells out the cash and continues drinking. a little later the woman raises her arm again and says, any of you gents care to buy a lady a drink? the old timey drunk regular says, bartender give the ballerina a drink. the drunk shells out the cash and continues drinking. the bartender gives the drunk his change and says, hey i don't care who you buy drinks for but why do you keep calling that woman a ballerina? the old drunk responds-hey any woman who can raise her leg that high must be a ballerina!

[MiddleAgesMan]

Three southern ministers from Alabama decide to take their wives on a vacation to Jekyll Island; one is Presbyterian, another is Methodist, and one is Southern Baptist.

Unfortunately there was a tragic accident just outside of Albany (pronounced All-benny) Georgia and all three couples were killed.

When they reached the pearly gates the Presbyterian minister was first in line. The gate keeper said he was probably a shoo-in but he would need to check the record.

"Oh dear. I see here you are guilty of a cardinal sin so we will not be able to let you in."

"Say what? What have I ever done?"

"Says here you have always lusted after alcohol. You never imbibed but your lust was so great you refused to marry until you found your wife named Sherry."

The Methodist preacher was next and the gate keeper went through the same procedure, unfortunately finding in the records that the Methodist minister had always lusted after money.

"Though you've always been poor you lusted after money so much that you waited until you met Penny before you would fall in love and marry."

At this point the Baptist minister turned to his wife and said, "Hell, Fanny, you and I might as well get on out of here."

[Bob Triggs]

A baby seal walks into a club...

[MiddleAgesMan]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders two beers and a mop.

[wizbang 13]

giraffe walks into a bar ,"the high balls are on me"

[B_B]

a horse walks into a bar, barkeep says, "hey, why the long face?"

[Shang]

Tarzan had just sat down at the bar when a herd of purple elephants came stampeding in. "Look out for the oranges!" Tarzan said.
He was color-blind.

(How many years did you spend as a a Scout leader hiking on the trail? )

[skaraborgcraft]

man standing in a bar next to a chinese man asks "do you know kung-fu or karate?"
Chinese man says " why you ask me that,jus cos i from China?"
Man says " because your drinking my fckuing pint!"

[Uncle Duke]

A married couple walk into a bar, sit down and order drinks. Almost immediately the husband gets up and starts strolling up and down the bar, flirting with all the women he can. The bartender watches, amazed that the wife doesn't appear to care about her husbands behaviour. Finally he walks over to her and asks, "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is flirting with all those other women?"
"No", she answers, "Just because a dog chases cars doesn't mean he knows how to drive."

[Dan McCosh]

Two magicians walk down the street and turn into a bar.

[Uncle Duke]

A Scotsman, and Englishman and and Irishman are sitting in a train, bragging about the hospitality of their respective countries.
"Ah", the Scotman says, "Mr. Fitzgerald, who owns our local pub, will buy all the regulars a pint at Christmas. That's true hospitality!".
"Well", the Englishman says, "At our local the regulars will stand you to a pint about once a month, and two on your birthday. That is real hospitality."
"That's nothing.", the Irishman says. "There is a pub in Dublin where you can drink for free all night long, no limit, and people will keep bringing you new drinks to try without you even asking. When you're too drunk to stand, they'll help you to a room upstairs where you have sex all night long. That, my friends, is Irish hospitality."
"You're making that up", exclaimed the Englishman, "That's never happened!"
"Well", said the Irishman, "Not to me, no. But it's happened to my sister twice!"

[Monkey Butler]

a horse walks into a bar, barkeep says, "hey, why the long face?"

http://www.moonbattery.com/KERRY-REPORTING-FOR-DUTY.jpg