Ten minutes later we both went back to bed. River, my little fiest, was out from under the covers, sitting on the bed like a sphinx. “Need out too, River?” I scratched his back.
“No. A little lower, please.”
Ok, stay calm. It’s the wee hours of the morning, you haven’t been sleeping well, maybe you aren’t really awake. I looked at him hard, he looked right back. After a few minutes I relaxed, hugged him and said “G’night,” pulling up the covers.
“I’ve never really liked that.”
Gheezus! “NEVER LIKED WHAT?”
From the next room I heard my wife, “Are you OK?”
“FINE!”
“You don’t have to yell…”
I looked at the little animal, he looked back. Thought it through, decided to take the risk. In a whisper, “Never liked what?”
“You hugging me. I’m a dog, not a teddy bear.”
I pounded my head with the palm of my hand, rechecked my watch, looked around for hooded figures. “Alright, stop this. Dogs don’t talk!!”
“Whatever…” and he headed back under the covers. I drug him back by the tail, picked him up and stared into his face. For a long time. After a while he said, “Say something, or put me down so I can sleep.”
“Say something!? To a dog?”
“You’ve always talked to me. What’s the problem?”
“You are talking back. That’s a major problem!”
“Not for me.”
Oh God! “If you can talk, why did you wait a year to let me know?”
“Look, I like you. I like you a lot. Alright, dammit, I love you. But I don’t like being squished up where I can’t move. I’ve tried pushing you away but you keep doing this ‘hugging’ stuff and I’ve just reached my limit. Pet me, scratch my back, throw that stupid ball and I’ll bring it back, but stop squeezing the breath out of me.”
Stunned, I could only say, “Okay. No more hugging.”
“Thank you.”
“But I’ve got a few issues.”
“Lay ‘em out, but please be quick. It’s still dark outside.”
“Stop pooping in my garage and on my driveway. I have a three-quarter acre lot… plenty of grass for dog turds. You’re a whimp in the mornings, can’t stand to get your little paws wet in the dewy grass so you just crap wherever the mood strikes you.”
“Ok, lets review the facts. First; sorry about your precious driveway but it beats the heck out of your living room, right? Next; have you measured me? Didn’t think so. I’m only seven and one-half inches tall. If you’d cut the grass on a regular basis I could do my business in the yard without getting lost. And third, your hot-natured wife keeps the house temps in the high sixties to low seventies. That’s way too cold for my breed, especially if I hafta get wet in the mornings.”
“She’s had a hysterectomy and she has hot flashes. You’re a male; you should know you don’t screw around with a woman in hormonal disarray.”
“I don’t wanna hear it. You wrote the check for me on December 7 and didn’t pick me up until December 9. Got any idea at all what happened to me in those two days, smart ass?”
“It was a condition of your release. You would never have gotten out of there otherwise.”
“I don’t give a rip about the reasons. Just don’t whine about you wife’s little surgery after you let them butcher me, OK Pal?”
I couldn’t argue. “Put me down, please?” he said. I set him down on the bed beside me and he immediately laid on his side, raised his left hind leg and started licking… well, you know, started licking.
“Cut it out, River. That’s embarrassing.”
“C’mon, I’m a dog fer cryin’ out loud!”
“A talking dog. The talking makes all the difference. You can’t do that while we’re having a conversation.”
“Oh, boy!” But he quit. “Anymore gripes before I go back to sleep?”
I wanted to take advantage of the situation, get everything on the table, clear the air. But, honestly, I couldn’t think of another complaint. Fact is, the dog was nearly perfect. I decided to tell him so.
“Nah, that’s it River. You’re pretty flawless for a pup.”
“I’m two years and one month old. Hardly a pup.”
“We – us humans – always call small dogs ‘pups’.”
“I know and I wish you would quit.”
I just chuckled. “Ok, how about me? Any complaints other than the hugging?”
He laid his head thoughtfully on his front paws for a few seconds, raised it again and said, “Yeah. I loved our walks and you’ve gotten really lazy about that. Can we walk more?”
I started to hug him, stopped, and just rubbed his head. “Starting tomorrow. Sorry, Mate!”
I kept rubbing his head, he leaned into my chest for a few minutes, then snaked under the covers. “Nite, Pops.”
“Nite, River. Sleep well.”
- - - - -
My alarm woke me a t 5:45. It was a few minutes before I remember the “incident,” but River was still sound asleep beneath the covers so I headed to the showers. Later I roused him for a trip out. Just for grins I stood at the window and watched. He walked to my neighbor’s well manicured lawn, picked a spot and did his business. When I let him back in, I swear, on my name, he winked at me!!!
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