an Irish Story....

[paladin]

She came home early and found her husband in their
bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman
and was VERY upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she
cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife,
the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied:

"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last
words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and
this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked
so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on
her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was
very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So,
in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good cleanup I suggested a shower
and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes
were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't
wear because you say they are too tight.

Also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't wear because I don't have
good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for
Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I
also donated those boots you bought at the expensive
boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a
pair like them."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and
as I walked her to the door she turned to me with
tears in her eyes and said "Please.........do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?""

[Gary E]

Dear Boss,
I write these words to you, to tell you of my plight. And At the time of writin', I am not a prety sight. For my body is all black and bruised, and my face a deadly grey. So I hope you'll under stand why Paddy's not at work today...
Well, I was workin' on the castle tower and some brick I had to clear. But throwin' 'em down from such a height was not a good idea. And my forman bein' unpleasant (he bein' an awful sod!), he said I'd have to take 'em down the ladder in me hod.
Now carrying down these bricks by hand it was so awfully slow. So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below. But in my haste to do the job I was to blind to see that a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.
So, as I went down to cut the rope, well the barrel fell like lead. And clingin' tightly to the rope I started up instead. I shot up like a comet and to my suprise I found that halfway up I met the bloody barrel comin' down.
Well, the barrel struck me across the shoulders as to the ground it sped. And When I reached the top I hit the pulley with my head. I spun around all shock and dazed from the almighty blow, while the barrel spilled out half it's bricks... forteen floors below.
Now when these bricks had spilled out from the barrel onto the floor, I then out weighed the barrel, so I started down once more. Still clingin' tightly so the rope, I headed for the ground and I fell upon the building brick that were all scattered 'round. (And they were pointy side up too!)
Now when I reached the bottom there I thought I'd pasted the worst. But the barrel hit the pulley and it's bloody bottom burst! A shower of bricks fell down on me, I hadn't got hope. And as I was loosing consciousness, I let go of the blood rope!
So, the barrel now being heavier it started down once more and it struck across me smartly as I lay there on the floor. It broke three ribs and my left arm, so I can plainly say "I hope you'll understand why paddys not at work today."
Sincerly,
Patrick Murphy
*See the Official Accident Report (http://www.tinsmith.net/report.html)