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View Full Version : John Bells thread got me thinkin...



Wild Dingo
09-01-2006, 03:29 AM
Dangerous habit that... thinkin :rolleyes:

Anyway I got to thinkin as I wrote my response... I wonder what the strangest dumbest comments these blokes have done?

So given Ive got a whole encyclapedia of mistooks and goofups to my credit in how to not "to make friends and influence people" particularily spectacularly brilliant when it comes to sheilas... man those creatures can get me makin the dumbest statements

So whats the dumbest stupidest most insane thing did you say that really shook your world?

Milo Christensen
09-01-2006, 03:45 AM
Should we limit our responses to things said when straight and sober?

Mine was: "If you don't give me a raise, I quit."

Wild Dingo
09-01-2006, 04:04 AM
"If you dont give me a raise I quit" was the worst most stupidest dumbest thing youve done Milo??? STREWTH!!! :eek: Man thats my every day gidday to the boss! ;)

I meant sober mate... cause we all do dumb stupid things when were as cissed prickets :D

What about dumb meeting statements? you know when you waltz into the boardroom a tad late all the suits are sittin polished and perfect sending you a heavy decending barrage of knives into your back cause yer late and you plonk into yer seat an say something totally off the wall straight of the top of your head "sorry... I left my jocks at home"

Or the time you went to get in the car only to find some sheila sittin in it and you say "gawd has my luck changed!!" but then its her car

Or the time you sat at the diner table with a room full of guests you had never met but smelt of MONEY and you phart... and not one of those metro man type pharts but a ripsnorter!!!.. and you look innocently around the room and say to her highess dripping diamonds at the end of the table "strewth love that was a bloody doosy!"

Or that time when you bent over to pick up the file that fell on the floor behind the spunkbubble in the short skirt but became distracted and cought your fingers in her skirt on the way down looking up and seeing that perfect bum in the tiniest G string thought all your chrissys had come at once and said "ooh F... ME!!"

Meeting a sheila at the pub shes there in a tiny skimpy top boobs for the world to see... and bein a man you focus... she mutters something about her eyes being up a bit and you go "Nah Im fine thanks"

OR worse to come... your in a bar introduce yourself to a real honeybabe and your havin a great ol time chattin to her and you just know your lucks in... and then your mate comes over and you go to intoduce her to him with your arm protectively over her shoulder hand resting reasuringly close to the boob... and you FORGET HER NAME!!... in total panic your gob works before your brain registers anything but panic and the last fact that went through its sodden mushy stuff "Breast meet Bob" you nonchelantly think alls cool you made it then realize theyre lookin at you like your head just fell off and then it hits you YOU CALLED HER BOOB!!! and so tryin to make amends you stutter "I meant sex oohhh shyte!" then it occurs to you that your mind is totally blank as to what her name is so you try to be honest and make up for your cockup with "Sorry love I cant remember yer name?"... yeah your luck changed alright! instead of in like flynn your out like a light!

I made the mistake one day when I met a young lady named Jody... first meeting first few seconds after her girlfriend had left us together... she looked at me interested I looked at her totally blinded she using her talking over music voice mouthed "Im Jody" and as the music stopped said in my talking over music voice "you want it?" EH??? "You want it"?? SHANE!!! GET A FRIGGIN GRIP!! :eek: but I said it... my gob had worked before my brain engaged!!... She grinned leaned forward and whispered "thats a strange name" and walked away! I thought Id blown it totally... later she came up to me and said " Lets try again... Im Jody" WHEW!!! and well the rest is history ;)

You know those mad moments of utter dumb stupidity where your gob worked faster than your sanity... yeah mine were almost all involving sheilas...what can I say? theyve always confused me and bought out the idiot in me :rolleyes:

Milo Christensen
09-01-2006, 05:19 AM
Upon further reflection, the stupidest thing I ever said was to my ex. "I do."

geeman
09-01-2006, 05:35 AM
YA Milo I know what you mean, And, I said it twice,,,,,the second time tho I got it right.

Rick Starr
09-01-2006, 06:11 AM
In a former life, I had the incredibly poor wisdom to say,
"I had a really nice time this evening and I'd like to see you again some time."

<shudder>

As far as shaking my world..."Here, have a bottle of rum!"

I've never been much of a drinker, but our native rum was pretty good back before they sold out and at the time it cost about $2.50/ltr, so it made for a good gift. Travelling to the mainland I once gave a fellow a bottle on a whim. Some years later I had reason to call the place where he worked and, in casual small talk, I inquired about the fellow only to learn he had downed his rum at a sitting and got on the highway. He got in a wreck and killed himself and heavens knows who else.

So, no more booze from me.

geeman
09-01-2006, 06:14 AM
RIck , you gave him a present, you DIDNT MAKE him drink it in one setting.You had no way of knowing he couldnt/wouldnt handle it responsibly.

pipefitter
09-01-2006, 11:16 AM
My ex was a little pushy. Would wake up on a weekend and she would have all kinds of chores/activities planned without consulting anyone else...places to go that included shopping for hair treatments,yard sales etc. The one thing I could say that would buy me a one way ticket to the couch or the equivalent of was..."Can I be the man today?" Do NOT try this at home.

geeman
09-01-2006, 11:18 AM
Right, that doesnt work, what few points you make are a washout at the end of the day.

brad9798
09-01-2006, 12:06 PM
You're not going to check the trunk are you, Officer?

Tristan
09-01-2006, 01:59 PM
Oh man, I'm going to buy some more Enron now that it's gone down a bit!

clancy
09-01-2006, 02:10 PM
I made the mistake of telling a co-worker that her skirt looked like a table cloth. Every girl in the office gave me a hard time.

I witnessed a guy ask a girl in work when she was due, when she wasn't pregnant.

Hwyl
09-01-2006, 06:05 PM
These are (with the exception of Rick's) mild compared to my life. I complete every job, relationship act 90% of the way perfectly and then shoot myself in the foot.

Mirror finish paint job -- add a few extra brush strokes.

Great girlfriend -- insult her

Good friends -- let them down on the 'one" important time.

Winning a sailing race, screw up the finish

It's a case for all you WBF shrinks -- my good (woman) friend, says it because I don't think I "deserve" to do well.

One for Dingo good Australian friend (well Tasy) asked him if I could have a beer out of his fridge, wouldn't speak to me for hours "good friends don't have to ask for a beer, you f'ing tosser".

Ethan
09-01-2006, 06:18 PM
"Sweetie, it's not the pants that make your butt look big...." my jaw hurts just from thinking about that...

Backfin
09-01-2006, 06:50 PM
Can I be the man today?" Do NOT try this at home. :eek: Classic.

Wild Dingo
09-01-2006, 08:50 PM
... good Australian friend (well Tasy) asked him if I could have a beer out of his fridge, wouldn't speak to me for hours "good friends don't have to ask for a beer, you f'ing tosser".

And nor would I! although those fellas from the pimple (ala Tassy) are a tad polite and use oldtimey pommy words like "tosser" and stuff... me I woulda just finished with "you f'ing wanker" :D but thats just me ;)

Okay lets clear that up a tad shall we... okay your in Aussie or down there on the pimple you meet up with some of your mates your sittin around havin a barbie a yarn whatever theres beer in the fridge or esky so your gonna ask your mate for one every friggin time? phiss off!! help yourself! YOU ARE A MATE! its a beer for cripes sake :rolleyes:

one note should be bought to bear here though... please dont touch the LAST beer thats your mates beer and its been known to be the match that set the blueflame alight if someone takes his last beer... Also ALWAYS offer them one as well even if he has a near full one offer anyway.

Also dont knock a beer offer back... when said mate offers you a beer accept it willingly even if your present beer is near full it just means your mate is bein a mate an tellin you to "drink more phiss" politely :D

But definantly absolutely NEVER not shout a round!! cause for many a violent altercation even between lifelong mates that one your shout means just that get up and buy a friggin round!

ahem... back to the thread

With her bloody highness aside from the first meeting stuffup the next stuffup I made with her was during a diner convo with friends the topic of whos the best cook a sheila or a bloke (note here do not follow my example) instead of agreeing with her bloody highness I piped up that blokes were the best cooks chefs or other food prep people simple sheilas can cook easy stuff toast boil water etc but blokes are the ones who can COOK proper... mmm things went well till the next night when I got home from work shes sitting watching the box feet up on the coffee table freshly showered eating choclates!! "Hi hon whats for tea?" says I as I toss my gear in the laundry and head to the kitchen confused as to why there would be no mouth watering aromas comeing from the cookhouse... "oh you remember you said only blokes can cook? Ive retired your cooking" :eek: Id just finished a 12 hour shift and she reckons Im cooking!... yep she refused to cook anything other than toast and boil water for 15 friggin years!! And even now after 24 years she still maintains that she doesnt do roasts shes not a bloke so she cant cook... I am convinced that after that night Im an utter dill

Saw a sheila down the beach one summers day this was back a few years before Jo came along when I was footloose and fancy free and hot to trot... Id been out bush for many months without the benifit of female company in all that time and was as I said hot to trot... anyway Im down the beach and I meet this sheila layin on a towel "gidday" says I as I squat down next to her she turns smiles "gidday yourself" WHAHOOO! I think in like flynn still got it boyo! she turns over and sits up... the most perfect pair of boobs wobbles just there in front of me eyeballs! goodgawd they were bloody beautiful (remember Id not seen a pair for some time)... she looks at me and says "its a lovely day isnt it" I look at her stunningly perfect boobs and mutter "yeah tits a loverly day tit is"... she ran to the beach and I muttered to myself "ooh an the southern end of that north bound camel is just as gorgeous"... trouble was her not so attractive girlfriend sitting on the towel next to her heard me and dashed to the beach... needless to say I was out like a light again that time :(

George Jung
09-01-2006, 08:53 PM
I've 'stuck my foot in it', and perhaps most of my leg, with that 'Congratulations on your pregnancy' miscue. Now I just shut up; I don't care how gravid they look, I don't 'notice'.

With age comes wisdom. Sometimes.

edited to add: Did I tell ya how much I dislike posting right after Dingo? Naw, I like the Dingo just fine; it's just that, after one of his posts, no one even NOTICES mine (cuz they're still laughing/crying and who knows what else). Heck, I posted, went to check it, and I didn't even see it - and I was looking for it! Ah well, no problems.

pipefitter
09-01-2006, 08:57 PM
You know the ones. Can't cut grass or start the mower but can sure tell you how to do it. When raking leaves,all kinds of ideas how it should be done and it didn't stop there because some are natural born leaders/foremen and even though you had been successful all the years supporting their ass and keeping the house/cars intact both structurally/mechanically,that none of these tasks could be completed without their hiarchial guidance. THAT's when I would say it and was guaranteed the silent treatment for days. It's a cold cruel world being a man sometimes.

pipefitter
09-01-2006, 09:14 PM
Women set us up beyond our own stupidity sometimes too. Like when in the grocery,women are drawn to any female bonding conversation opportunity, so heeeere we go...poor man standing there in the feminine section with dearest one, muddling over things of ill mention to most men. She finds an instant friend to chat with having the UGLIEST baby in tow I have ever laid eyes on. And it gets to that part where she just has to lure me in to say...isn't he cute? All point blank and spontaneous and me having to force that ever so obvious lying grin...trying to hide the horror...."ohhh yeah...he's something else". The other woman is looking at me....dearest one is looking and now eggbert is waiting for my reply as well seemingly. And me still trying to recover from the realization that I am so busted. WHY do they do that? My smile is saying one thing and the look on the rest of my mug is screaming halloween. THANKS SWEETY

Wild Dingo
09-01-2006, 09:27 PM
Say WHAT??? gawd you left out the most important bit mate!! SAY WHAT?!!... I got a sodding brother-in-law just like that... one of those smartass gits that THINK they know everything THINK theyve done everything and have an opinion on EVERYTHING!! but has actually never done any of it... gawd strewth I loathe that basturd cause hes got insulting and denigrating anything I say down to a fine art does it in such a way Im the turd if I respond!! (cross post I meant your first wee post not the second pipefitter)

And George ol son? I read your posts!! :cool: so unlike others here your not inbizible :D

Thats it! Foot in gob disorder!! yep an affliction that becomes worse until its the hugely disasterous foot knee and thigh in gob disorder... no known cure... cause one has to open ones gob sooner or later and it generally shows itself when someone gorgeolishus is in front of you or something serious is happenin but show up it will :( now an often unknown side effect is the times when your gobs not operating but your brain fails to recall specific things thats when your bod gets into the act... see I think our bods are designed as a well oiled machine the gob is designed to say stupid dumb things at inapropriate times while the brains designed to clunk outta gear right at those inapropriate times while our bods are designed to totally embarrass the hell out of us at inapropriate times... the body is more than capable of doing so without the help of drugs or alcohol... ooh yes more than capable AND more than willing to step up to the plate!!

In the shops? Amazing the opportunities they find eh? I reckon the sheilas and our bods are finely tuned to max out the embarressment of the male stakes... combined theyre awesome at it!... went shoppin with her bloody highness a month or so back she lookin and buyin sheila thingys while I wandered through the bloke area... "try them on darls" she says over my shoulder as I look at a particularily revolting pair of strides "nah" we wander on me all innocent her plottin an plannin... she picks up a pair of board shorts a pair of strides and a pair of those three quater length short/long pants and tosses them to me "try these on" with a glare knowin if given a chance I would just put them down again an go "nah"... I look I shrug I walk to the change rooms like a bloke on death row... gawd I hate those big store change rooms!... anyway out I come in the boardshorts "mmm not bad" says she... back I go out I come in the strides "mmm theyre okay arent they?" and promptly starts tuggin at the front!! "Oy!!!" I yelp... backin back into the change rooms the sniggers and giggles followin me I put me own pants back on and walk out "Im off you comin?" I say... "Get back in there and try the last pair on and we will go"

DAMN!! mutterin fumin and spittin I stomp back into the change room pick up the 3/4 short things and lookin at them KNOW they just aint gonna fit around me keg so smilin I toss em down and put me own back on walk out "they dont fit luv" and start walkin toward the door "Oy bugalugs!! try them on!" "theyre too friggin small I tell you!" "ahem..." now I reckon every married bloke alive knowns "ahem..." but I try to argue it out "They wouldnt fit friggin Joshua let alone me!" (Josh bein our shortass 11 year old) but she wasnt havin it and marched me into the change room... "try them on mister" damn sometimes she reminds me of my mum! flamin woman!...

so I think okay smartass I will put them on you be embarrassed!... so I did pulled squirmed wriggled pushed fought and forced my legs into the slots got them almost up to my hips fine that will do I think... and start to waddle out to where her highness was MEANT to be just outside the door... so anyway there I am 5ft 6in slightly tubby curley haired ol phart standin in a tshirt with this pair of 3/4 pants tighter than an nuns tit totally undone fambly joowels swingin in the breeze (inside their boxers of course! :eek: ) and she is friggin nowhere to be found!!... plenty of merriment had by the other sheilas cruisin the mens section though... as Im turnin to go back and take the things of outta the blue she suddenly shows up grabs me by the arm and pushes me into the change room "SHANE!!! they obviously dont fit! why do you have to embarrass me every bloody time we go shopping Im never goin to take you shopping with me again your a total embarrasssment you know that... and on and on" I get changed and walk out head down as she likes when shes in this mood and as we walk through the racks I spot this sheila with a wicked smile on her dial lookin at me I sheepishly grin back... suddenly my bum is pinched!!...

Lookin back at her bloody highness I see she is still in "High rant mode" I look over the rack at that smilin face and get a wink! gawd if only I think as Im barated toward the checkout amid knowin smirks and looks of pride from the other married womens and the giggles and laughter from the young sheilas the embarrassed looks from the blokes... her bloody fault I went with her in the first place her bloody fault I tried those bloody 3/4 short things on her bloody fault she wasnt there when I came out AND YET its my bloody fault they didnt fit? SHE CHOSE THE THINGS!!...

the young girl there is all of about 16 or so smiles and says in a wonderfully happy voice "Hi sir having a good day?" without thinking I respond "Not really if you notice theres a band of bloody rabid demented yetis alongside me who cant shut the hell up" didnt go down well that comment :rolleyes: her highness has more ammo! and she aint afraid to use it so she does "A yeti am I? A bloody yeti? Im not the one who waltzes out of the change rooms with his knuts and other tackle swinging in the breeze am I?... etc etc" knuts and other tackle? swingin in the breeze? me?... mmmm the young girls eyeballs pop not sure if it was from surprise that such a tiny sheila could let rip so totally in the shop in front of everyone or if it was from what she was saying... anyway I shut up and started walking out of the shop... a sheila walked toward me and smiled "thank you son I havent seen anything so wonderful since my Bert died 5 years ago" eh?? "mmm scuse me?" I say she looks me up and down smiling "Shes right you know everyone saw it" winked at me and laughing she walked away... seems when I hoisted those 3/4 shorts up and walked out the fly opened and out popped willy and the boys!! :eek:

As we walked past the main desk I stopped and reached over and took up the mic "ladies and gentlemen thank you for sayin gidday to willy and the boys on their once in a lifetime tour hope you enjoyed it as much as they did" and walked proudly out the door ignoring the gobsmacked look on her bloody highness's dial totally I WAS A LEGEND!!! she cant take that from me!... see she had set me up cause she was tired of bein the butt of my jokes and gags she thought to get me back but IM A FRIGGIN LEGEND!!! :D

Mrleft8
09-01-2006, 09:41 PM
I don't make mistakes. I make miscalculations in judgement.

Wild Dingo
09-01-2006, 10:12 PM
I dont make mistakes either.... heck I dont even make miscalculations!! I just let it happen!! :D

The old accept the inevitable fact that IM GOING TO MUCK UP! sit back and let it happen... Im still breathin Im still smilin so its all good :D

Peter Kalshoven
09-01-2006, 11:07 PM
My personal favorite was my good friend Mark, who had an incredibly good looking, horny girlfriend who had just enough intellect to make it through most doorways. So this was in college, and it was his first long term sexual relationship, and that part of it was going great. Until the day she asked the question...."You're just dating me for the sex, aren't you?" Before he could give the right answer, his brain spat the truth right past his lips...."Well, yeah! Of course!"
He told me later it was like he reached out to catch those words as they left his body, but he just couldn't make the grab.
That was the end of that particular chapter of his college education.
DOH!

pipefitter
09-01-2006, 11:13 PM
That should be universal men's parley...."But sweetie...I'm a guy". They should all just universally understand and accept it because they gotta love us :) They would have NO fun if we were like them or like they want us to be...us good o'l guys make life pretty friggin amusing . :)

Good lord didn't design them with those muscle it takes to roll their eyes like they do for nothing.

capt jake
09-01-2006, 11:52 PM
"What? What did I say?" That always seems to be worse than what I said; whatever that was. :D

Milo Christensen
09-02-2006, 05:58 AM
"What? What did I say?" That always seems to be worse than what I said; whatever that was. :D

At times like that there's nothing you can do, you can't even look surprised.


Good lord didn't design them with those muscle it takes to roll their eyes like they do for nothing.

And how high can yours lift one eyebrow?

geeman
09-02-2006, 10:07 AM
"What? what did I say"? yep been there done that!.They know theres nothing you CAN say thats gonna make the slightest difference,at that point your screwed.Their mind is made up,you aint gonna change it,All your going to do is make any statement,which WILL BE THE WRONG statement.Your screwed,simple as that.Thats why I love my lawn tractor so much.During those times my grass is lovingly cut,and trimmed even if I trimmed it the day before.WInter is tougher though when I cant get out the door,,,,,,

capt jake
09-02-2006, 10:13 AM
which WILL BE THE WRONG statement. And they keep after you if you think you're going to be smart and not say anything. ;) ;) Even when you are silent, thinking that you can't put your foot in your mouth, you still end up with a case of hoof in mouth. :) :)

geeman
09-02-2006, 10:17 AM
LOL thats true! If you go into silent mode ,now your ignoring them and being impossible.So when you speak your screwed , when and if you dont your screwed.There IS no right thing to say,wife is in fighting mode and nobody is going to deny her that fight.I love my TRACTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

botebum
09-02-2006, 10:20 AM
When I was 16 my girlfriend asked me if I liked her perfume. I was honest and told her it smelled like bug spray. We didn't last out the day.

Tonya once asked me if the shorts she had on made her butt look big. "No", I said, "It's all the fried food that makes your butt look big." I still think it's funny. She still doesn't.

Doug

Katherine
09-02-2006, 10:28 AM
You guys are too funny. Not being male, I never make mistakes.:D I have, however, been the victim of some truly dumb actions by seemingly smart men.:rolleyes: Being the magnanimous person that I am, I decided that the perpetrator had a few redeeming qualities and is allowed to speak to me again, for now (or at least until he opens mouth and inserts foot again).:p

geeman
09-02-2006, 10:29 AM
Never try to gauge what a woman is thinking ,you have no clue,she doesnt want you to know what shes thinking.Face it , you lost the war with the words "I DO".The rest are just skirmishes and ,, you lost them too,you just dont know it yet.

geeman
09-02-2006, 10:31 AM
A man will never "win" an argument.Woman only allows him to THINK he won,shes already planning the next skirmish,which you WILL LOSE LOL. 37 years of marriage taught me that little gem of wisdom.

JimD
09-02-2006, 10:36 AM
"Who's gonna make me, sargent?"

rbgarr
09-02-2006, 11:15 AM
"Sweetie, it's not the pants that make your butt look big...." my jaw hurts just from thinking about that...

Oh yeah. The "Do my legs look fat?" question. Boy, did I get in trouble trying to rationally answer THAT question. Whew! Nothing could mend the damage. I learned that with one particualr woman, there is no good answer to it... even silence. And when I piled trouble on trouble by asking why she even asked it, well, the crap really hit the fan then.

I suspect that I was set up because she just wanted a fight. I didn't.:mad:

geeman
09-02-2006, 11:29 AM
Yep ,you were set up, she was in fight mode and you were totally unarmed!!!!!!!But in the long run the battle of the sexes is worth it.WHATTA WAR!!!!!!