Couldn't Resist

[Claudia]

Some will make you smile and smiles are good:D

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[Peter Malcolm Jardine]

You're so cute :D

[Claudia]

Than you Peter;) ..cute at 50 is a good thing, right?

[davidagage]

23. what do you call a dog with no legs?
does it matter, he isn't going to come anyway.

[Claudia]

ROTFLMAO:D That was the best one yet.

[davidagage]

well #22 hits kinda close to home...

and 14 is my favorite

[Peter Malcolm Jardine]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.


Claudia, cute is cute at any age.:)

[Claudia]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in front of your door?

Matt

[Domesticated_Mr. Know It All]

Sparky!

[Claudia]

Oh damn, look what I started:D

[Peter Malcolm Jardine]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who rings your doorbell?

Dick.

[davidagage]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who rings your doorbell?

Dick.

I would had said nosey:D

[Peter Malcolm Jardine]

What do you get when you cross a Jehovahs Witness with a biker?


Someone who comes to your door Sunday morning and tells you to fuck off.

[Garrison]

whats easier to unload? a truck load of bowling balls or a truck load of dead babies?

the dead babies of course- you can use a pitch fork

[Nemo]

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c43/nemo_cptn/Sea_Captain.jpg

[RichKrough]

What is the difference between a Porshe and a Porcupine?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside

[RichKrough]

what do you say about a hooker with no arms?

You gotta hand it to her

[Meerkat]

What did the leper say to the hooker? "Keep the tip"

[mmd]

(Apologies to any Irish who may get offended...)

What do you call a drunken Irishman trying to walk down a long corridor?
Rick O'Shea

What do you call a drunken Irishman lying by the swimming pool?
Paddy O'Furniture

(...and to amputees of all nationalities...)

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who is lying in a ditch?
Phil.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who is hanging on the wall from a coathook?
Art.

Why are five guys with no arms and legs in a swimming pool with a girl like a Beach Boys song?
Bob, Bob, Bob;
Bob, Bob and Ann.

[Meerkat]

Ah well, if we're going down this road.... ;)

How do you break up a polish party? Flush the punch bowl.

How do you tell the bride at a polish wedding? Braided armpits and the clean white t-shirt.

How many Poles does it take to change a lightbulb? Nobody knows - the house burned down when they tried to light the lamp.

[Wild Dingo]

Than you Peter;) ..cute at 50 is a good thing, right?

Its the bikini that did it Claudia... me I just reckon your downright sexier than any of Memphis Mike and the others bikini clad sheilas theyve ever posted here! :cool: and classier too! ;)

50!? YOUR 50??? Good lord above!! There is a god after all :cool: Here I was thinkin as I turn 50 that thats it all the fine lookin sheilas are too friggin young for an old phart like me :( ... and you say your 50??? WHAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOO!!! :D

There is a heaven!!! :D

oops sorry back to the jokes...

[P.I. Stazzer-Newt]

I found this (http://www.electric-escape.net/node/1234?PHPSESSID=7c04a975ba8af27f7ad95f564e280cf9)


It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, and her lower lip began to aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's, the week before, it was Animal House.
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I made the final step. I registered to vote as a Republican.

[Milo Christensen]

Help me I'm thinking!

Do you think three or more times a day?

I think I'll have to have another think about thinking.

[Popeye]

why did the punk rocker cross the road?

because he was stapled to the chicken

[Garrison]

punk rocker?

wake up man its the 21 st century

might as well ask if theyve heard of the new elvis dildo that comes in two speeds. love me tender and all shook up

[Milo Christensen]

Say goodbye Dutch.

[Popeye]

what do you call a guy with no arms or legs lying at the bottom of your pool?

dwayne

[Alan D. Hyde]

who came limping into the bar, and said---

"I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw."

Alan