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paladin
06-13-2006, 08:12 PM
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when the phone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, down at the

Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ye!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin
Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to
move on command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."



Sure enough the next day Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chicac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?", Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor," answers Paddy.

Chirac sighs, amused. "I must well you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000
armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."



Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have
managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light
with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have
joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that
I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-
guided surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to
200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."



Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin to ya', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness, and decided there is no fooking way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.":D

Paul Pless
06-13-2006, 08:19 PM
you've seen those good deals on the used French assault rifles?

never fired, only dropped once:D

geeman
06-13-2006, 08:26 PM
Thats funny LOL

ljb5
06-13-2006, 09:51 PM
Ha, ha, ha....

Nearly 1.4 Million French soldiers died in battle in WWI and more than 4 Million were wounded.

In WWII, 212,000 French died defending their country.

And some people think it's okay to laugh.

Phillip Allen
06-13-2006, 09:53 PM
LOOK OUT! incomming faks!

Ed Harrow
06-13-2006, 09:57 PM
OMG, lighten up. If you don't stop taking life so seriously you're never going to get out alive.

ljb5
06-13-2006, 10:01 PM
1.6 Million dead and you tell me to "lighten up"?

I've got as much of a sense of humor as the next guy, but that's just not funny.

It really crosses the line when American politicians and pundits take 'jokes' like that and use them as a fulcrum to leverage policy.

When France took a principled stance on the Iraq war, we would have done well to listen. Instead, we made jokes and ate 'freedom fries.'

That's sick.

Phillip Allen
06-13-2006, 10:10 PM
France has no principals...if one can go back and dredge up old causality lists why not go back to when they cut off the heads of half the gene pool

Phillip Allen
06-13-2006, 10:10 PM
No wonder they are a nation of pesants...

Ed Harrow
06-13-2006, 10:25 PM
I once wrote an article about an older gent I knew - he was dropped into Marseilles by the OSS. His handler, ahhh, I guess enticed Nazi officers into interesting situations, where my acquaintence dispatched them with a knife. His handler (French) survived. They married. A very touching life story that's not worth repeating here.

I actually know history better than most. In a conversation with a person with 'rightest' views I predicted how the Iraq war would 'progress'. I got it close to right, but not sufficiently right. He, having little acquaintance with history, predicted the opposite. Imagine that, like you, I thought it a bad idea. That's funny.

Do you know how many people die in car crashes every year?

John E Hardiman
06-13-2006, 11:37 PM
Nearly 1.4 Million French soldiers died in battle in WWI and more than 4 Million were wounded.

In WWII, 212,000 French died defending their country.



Napoleon lost half that many dead in 1812 in Russia alone, his total number is more than twice that...why aren't you weeping for him....And how many French, Russian, Prussian, Italian, Mexican, Algerian, did Napoleon III bring down in the Second Empire....:rolleyes:

It is estimated that total combat deaths in WWI were 9.2 million, WWII 15.9 million....The 1918 flu pandemic killed about 50-80 million; the US lost 190,000 in October 1918 alone to flu.

Oh yeah... the French are being put upon....:rolleyes:

Sea Frog
06-14-2006, 04:37 AM
Good one, Paladin. Needs some updating though. What about the same story with a US president and a bunch of ragheads from Vietnam, Somaliland, Irak? :D
I'm not too sure about Afghanistan.

Milo Christensen
06-14-2006, 05:32 AM
Google french army jokes and you get 6,310,000 hits. A whole lot of us find the topic truly hilarious. Here's some for you:

"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." —Jay Leno

Today, the government of France fell when Jacques Chirac unexpectedly surrendered to a tourist couple from Düsseldorf.

Q: What’s the new French flag look like?
A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!

Q: What do snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their mistresses armpits.

Joe (SoCal)
06-14-2006, 06:11 AM
Say whatever you want about the French but they do make some hell of a fine sailors

Eric Tabarly
An inspiration to distance sailors


A one-time French naval officer from Breton, France, Tabarly (1933-1998) sailed a succession of boats named Pen Duick into the history books over three decades of ocean racing and record setting. His list of distance-racing victories is staggering, and includes: The Channel Race, Turn of Gotland, Sydney Hobart (1967); San Francisco-Tokyo (1969); Falmouth-Gibraltar, Middle Sea Race (1971); Transpac (1972); First to beat Charlie Barr’s Transatlantic record (1980, on Paul Ricard); Fastnet Race (1997 on Aquitaine Innovations). He also sailed in the first edition of the Whitbread in 1973, and again in 1994.

One can safely say that his influence on generations of French sailors is at least partially responsible for their present world domination of the sport of single-handed and multihull sailing.

Milo Christensen
06-14-2006, 06:14 AM
The American and British Navies are exploring the concept of putting a glass panel in the bottom of all their ships so they can keep a sharp lookout for ships of the French Navy.

ljb5
06-14-2006, 07:42 AM
Napoleon lost half that many dead in 1812 in Russia alone, his total number is more than twice that...why aren't you weeping for him.

I'm not "weeping" for anyone. I'm just pointing out the inaccuracy and shamefulness of suggesting that the French surrender without a fight.


...And how many French, Russian, Prussian, Italian, Mexican, Algerian, did Napoleon III bring down in the Second Empire....:rolleyes:

It is estimated that total combat deaths in WWI were 9.2 million, WWII 15.9 million....The 1918 flu pandemic killed about 50-80 million; the US lost 190,000 in October 1918 alone to flu.

Oh yeah... the French are being put upon....:rolleyes:

Why aren't you making jokes about them?

ljb5
06-14-2006, 07:57 AM
Google french army jokes and you get 6,310,000 hits. A whole lot of us find the topic truly hilarious.

The reason this bothers me is because a nation that would make jokes about millions of people dying in war is a nation that doesn't understand the horrors of war....

...and a nation that doesn't understand the horrors of war is a nation that would engage in war too eagerly.

John Bell
06-14-2006, 07:59 AM
Aha! LJ's...wait for it....FRENCH!

Sacre Bleu!

Milo Christensen
06-14-2006, 08:04 AM
The French didn't want to go to Iraq against Saddam 'cause Saddam's French - Moustachio, Beret, Mistresses, Hid in a Hole.

Paul Pless
06-14-2006, 08:08 AM
No wonder they are a nation of pesants...


or, er pissants

Paul Pless
06-14-2006, 05:43 PM
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."



With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:
Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.
Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.
Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.
Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.
Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.
India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.
Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.
1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.
French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):
1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.
St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.
Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.
Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.
[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.
Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

ljb5
06-14-2006, 06:38 PM
Paul, even if your list gave an accurate account of history, it still doesn't justify making jokes about the deaths of millions of soldiers who did their best and died.

Would you make a joke about the Holocaust and then defend it by saying it's historically accurate?

Milo Christensen
06-14-2006, 06:45 PM
A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler sitting all alone at a table in the corner. The man asks the bartender, "is that Adolf Hitler?"
"Yes, it is," the bartender replies.
"I've always wanted to ask him something."
"You can't ask Hitler a question unless you buy him a drink."
So the man buys Hitler a drink, and the Fuhrer nods at him to come over.
"I've always wanted to ask you a question," says the man hesitantly.
"Well you bought the beer," replies Hitler. "Ask away."
"I've always been curious... how many people did you actually kill during that whole Holocaust thing."
Hitler sits back and thinks. "8 million Jews and about a half a dozen circus clowns."
"Half a dozen circus clowns?" cries the man. "Why the hell did you kill a half a dozen circus clowns???"
Hitler looks at him straight in the face and says, "See. Nobody cares about the Jews."

Meerkat
06-14-2006, 06:48 PM
The American and British Navies are exploring the concept of putting a glass panel in the bottom of all their ships so they can keep a sharp lookout for ships of the French Navy.That the same French Navy that gave the Brits a good thumping at Yorktown and secured an American victory in the Revolutionary War? Hmmmm? :p:p:p

Lew Barrett
06-14-2006, 06:51 PM
It doesn't:D (I assume this is Paul's list we're talking about, btw)
Lew



Phillip, even if your list gave an accurate account of history.......

Meerkat
06-14-2006, 06:51 PM
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action.
This is, mon petite crapaud, ze complete bool sheet! :p

Milo Christensen
06-14-2006, 06:52 PM
We've moved on to holocaust jokes, try to keep up. Mmmmmmmmkay?

George Jung
06-14-2006, 07:02 PM
For crying out loud - it's a JOKE thread. Whatssamatter with you guys? Leave it to Lil' to screw up something fun.... and you numbskulls went for it. For shame.... And by the way, the jokes in no way make fun of 'french soldier dying in war', you numbnut yerself. Get a life.

Phillip Allen
06-14-2006, 07:06 PM
It doesn't:D (I assume this is Paul's list we're talking about, btw)
Lew


Well it certainly ain't mine!

Phillip Allen
06-14-2006, 07:08 PM
For crying out loud - it's a JOKE thread. Whatssamatter with you guys? Leave it to Lil' to screw up something fun.... and you numbskulls went for it. For shame.... And by the way, the jokes in no way make fun of 'french soldier dying in war', you numbnut yerself. Get a life.

Don't worry about it...his pathology is "I'm always right" and he actively seeks places to assert his rightness

Paul Pless
06-14-2006, 07:37 PM
thanks george

John Bell
06-14-2006, 08:16 PM
Would you make a joke about the Holocaust and then defend it by saying it's historically accurate?

Two simple equations. Learn them. They will be on the test.

Holocaust jokes = not funny.

French army surrender jokes = very funny.

For someone who brags about his many degrees, you aren't very smart sometimes!

Lew Barrett
06-14-2006, 08:18 PM
I hope I helped to make that point!
Lew



Well it certainly ain't mine!

ljb5
06-14-2006, 08:38 PM
Sorry, Phillip, I meant to say Paul.

I edited it.

George.
06-15-2006, 06:59 AM
Holocaust jokes = not funny.

French army surrender jokes = very funny.



Why?

Phillip Allen
06-15-2006, 07:11 AM
Jus 'caus...that's all.

The French went on a bloodthirsty land-grab, butchering men women and children and house staff and murdered a huge portion of their own citizens. The land and booty was divided up then a new aristocracy was formed and they have been some what impotent ever since.

It makes Robert Mugabe (sp) look pretty tame.

PatCox
06-15-2006, 09:12 AM
Q. Why do rednecks do it doggie style?
A. So they can both watch Nascar.

PatCox
06-15-2006, 09:16 AM
Q:What did the 15 year old Virginia girl say after having sex?

A:Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes!

Another One
06-15-2006, 09:26 AM
What would Leonard Cohen say?

When they poured across the border
I was cautioned to surrender,
this I could not do;
I took my gun and vanished.

I have changed my name so often,
I've lost my wife and children
but I have many friends,
and some of them are with me.


An old woman gave us shelter,
kept us hidden in the garret,
then the soldiers came;
she died without a whisper.

There were three of us this morning
I'm the only one this evening
but I must go on;
the frontiers are my prison.

Oh, the wind, the wind is blowing,
through the graves the wind is blowing,
freedom soon will come;
then we'll come from the shadows.

Les Allemands étaient chez moi,
ils me disent, "résigne toi,"
mais je n'ai pas peur;
j'ai repris mon arme.
J'ai changé cent fois de nom,
j'ai perdu femme et enfants
mais j'ai tant d'amis;
j'ai la France entière.
Un vieil homme dans un grenier
pour la nuit nous a caché,
les Allemands l'ont pris;
il est mort sans surprise.

[The Germans were at my home
They said, "Surrender yourself"
But I am not afraid
I have retaken my weapon
I have changed names a hundred times
I have lost wife and children
But I have so many friends
I have all of France
An old man, in an attic
Hid us for the night
The Germans captured him
He died without surprise.]

Oh, the wind, the wind is blowing,
through the graves the wind is blowing,
freedom soon will come;
then we'll come from the shadows.

geeman
06-15-2006, 09:27 AM
Doggie style is ok, but I dont watch nascar much anymore,,,,,,,,,

PatCox
06-15-2006, 09:29 AM
An Arkansan woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down, Johnny."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.

I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he's Johnny."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Johnny, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Johnny. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Johnny Sue!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Johnny?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Johnny!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Johnny!' an' they all comes a runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Johnny' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Johnny."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names.

B_B
06-15-2006, 12:10 PM
Google french army jokes and you get 6,310,000 hits. A whole lot of us find the topic truly hilarious.

Google "Jokes about George W Bush" and you get 6,920,000 hits....
GWB, in eight years, has proven to be a bigger butt than the centuries of French military imcompetence

some of us find both French military imcompetence jokes, and jokes about about GWB, funny - some of you, however find one offensive and the other not

b.t.w. because there are so many 'hits' proves the premise right: the French are militarily incompetent, GWB deserves to be the butt of jokes.

Milo Christensen
06-15-2006, 01:07 PM
Touche (with the little french thingy over the e).

Sea Frog
06-15-2006, 02:06 PM
I guess it's all those Coulter jokes...drives 'em Neocons mad...bit like rattling their cages...She's their saint now...you just don't kid about the Virgin Ann!

Ethan
06-15-2006, 02:21 PM
Oh, good...another French thread...hmmmm, been here before.

Hey, Lew Barrett....this time, it wasn't me!!:D

Pat....funny southern jokes...incest, etc. is a stitch...is Pat Cox your name or just what you do for fun?

PatCox
06-15-2006, 02:25 PM
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age
in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of
the high schools!

PatCox
06-15-2006, 02:26 PM
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Alabama. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been
called a teethbrush.

PatCox
06-15-2006, 02:27 PM
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a
hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to
lose them a trailer.

PatCox
06-15-2006, 02:28 PM
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA.

PatCox
06-15-2006, 02:29 PM
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.

He leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Kevin G
06-15-2006, 02:31 PM
...and all the time I thought it was an Irish joke.

kg

Ethan
06-15-2006, 02:51 PM
Some of those jokes are actually pretty damn funny!
The truth of the matter is, some things in life are just funny and deserve to be laughed at....like Pat, for example.

George.
06-15-2006, 02:55 PM
So, any American imperialism jokes? In English, that is - I am sure there are plenty in French... ;)

Ethan
06-15-2006, 03:09 PM
You know what George - I'm sure you're right. It's part of the price of being a major world player at some point in time. If you can't take somebody yanking your chain, stay out of the spotlight. Of course, I've never heard a Brazilian joke...:p

Europeans have it right. In fact, I'd bet the Europeans on this forum are laughing their a$$e$ off at the reaction of Lbj, Pat, et al....and at the original joke!

Milo Christensen
06-15-2006, 04:41 PM
Three Brazilian Soldiers
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Milo Christensen
06-15-2006, 05:11 PM
Been looking for brazilian jokes, but they're all about some guy named Ronaldinho and I don't get any of them.

B_B
06-15-2006, 05:23 PM
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

B_B
06-15-2006, 05:25 PM
http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i238/BraamBerrub/bush_white_supremacy.jpg

Paul Pless
06-15-2006, 05:33 PM
Braam:D

Phillip Allen
06-15-2006, 07:05 PM
http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i238/BraamBerrub/bush_white_supremacy.jpg


Now I like that un...

BrianW
06-15-2006, 07:07 PM
So, any American imperialism jokes? In English, that is - I am sure there are plenty in French... ;)

I rest easy knowing there are those here who will protect us from those evil jokes too. ;)

Ed Harrow
06-15-2006, 09:01 PM
BB, way, way too funny.

By the way, I googled "George Bush military jokes", got 7.7 million hits. Actually, that was without quotes. If I used quotes it dropped to 7.62 (hmmmm, now that's an interesting number) million.

http://humortadela.uol.com.br/ (Brazilian jokes) Tough if you don't know the lingo. I was doing a stripper series - Finally got down to the bare chest, was making progress, but I answered a question incorrectly and was sent back to the begining. Have fun ;)

George.
06-16-2006, 06:20 AM
Of course, I've never heard a Brazilian joke...:p


At the International Police Olympics, it is down to the final three: the FBI, the Scotland Yard, and the São Paulo Police.

The last contest is to see which team can go into the woods and capture a wild hare. The FBI team goes first, and comes back with a hare in three minutes flat.

The Scotland Yard team goes next, and comes back with its hare in just under two minutes. The Brazilians feel the pressure.

The São Paulo cops go into the woods, and come back in 28 seconds flat, hauling a wild boar with a bloody nose, two black eyes, and several broken ribs, which is saying: "I'm a hare, I'm a hare."

Phillip Allen
06-16-2006, 06:49 AM
George, that is black (boar) humor

George.
06-16-2006, 06:56 AM
Phillip, we have a whole class of jokes where Brazilians are the butt.

Do Americans have any jokes where Americans are the butt? In 12 years living in the US I never heard one.

Phillip Allen
06-16-2006, 07:41 AM
Phillip, we have a whole class of jokes where Brazilians are the butt.

Do Americans have any jokes where Americans are the butt? In 12 years living in the US I never heard one.

Oh yes, I can't think of one off hand...distractions. Thinking of the pointed jokes aimed at the French, I don't think I will be offended if I hear similar jokes aimed at the US...there's no point in being thin-skinned, it just tells the observer of your lack of confidence.

Milo Christensen
06-16-2006, 07:54 AM
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

PatCox
06-16-2006, 08:30 AM
Well, here's the only Brazillian Joke I know: President Bush was being briefed on the Iraq war and he was told that a brazillian member of the coalition forces had been killed. He leaned over and whsipered to Condaleeza "How many is a brazillian again?"

He is also reputed to have said to the president of Brazil on one occasion "you have blacks in your country, too?"

PatCox
06-16-2006, 08:34 AM
Here is a better version; google "bush" and brazillion:



Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

George.
06-16-2006, 10:10 AM
God was making the world, with the angels watching. He put volcanoes, earthquakes, and tsunamis across a broad swath of nations in all continents - and none in Brazil.

He spread mineral resources, giving Brazil a lion's share - iron, aluminum, gold, uranium, even oil.

He dealt out forests and biodiversity, and again Brazil got more than any other country - more than entire continents.

Same with fresh water, fertile soils, lovely beaches, good climate. God handed out hurricanes and tornadoes, but none would occur in Brazil. No snowstorms, barely ever a hard frost.

One of the angels, watching, says: "Hey Boss, aren't you being unfair here? Aren't you favoring that one country a bit too much?"

"Don't worry," says God. "It'll all even out in the end. Have you seen the politicians I am going to put there?"

Phillip Allen
06-16-2006, 10:15 AM
Hey...I remember a frost in Sao Paulo...guys had to wear fur-lined flip-flops

George.
06-16-2006, 10:25 AM
Yes, when it gets "really" cold here in Angra (about two days a year), you'll see guys wearing lambswool-lined jackets, woolen caps, shorts, and flip-flops...

Art Read
06-16-2006, 07:22 PM
"Do Americans have any jokes where Americans are the butt?"

Everybody knows that people who speak two languages are referred to as bilingual. What about three languages? Trilingual? Four? Quadralingual? But what to call one who speaks only one language is easy.... American!:)

Captain Pre-Capsize
06-19-2006, 07:17 PM
Why are the boulevards of Paris lined with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

Lucky Luke
08-19-2006, 12:35 AM
No wonder they are a nation of pesants...
...at least they can write in english....