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ken mcclure
03-05-2006, 05:34 PM
Here is Ed's "Humor Me - I Just Need Some Humor" thread in it's entirety (or at least through page 44 or so - all I could get). Any pictures and stuff will probably not show ........

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Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 12-20-2001 12:44 PM

I've gone digging thru the archieve for most of the past hour:
http://media5.hypernet.com/cgi-bin/UBB/search.cgi
I read them all and they ain't close to enough. Addition contributions are sought with great urgency. I've even got a contribution. Thanks in advance.
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of his identity.
"Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir", says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for setting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin hell", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of
everything".

From: Woodville, MA USA
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AngWood
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Member # 1385
posted 12-20-2001 12:53 PM

Lorena and John Bobbitt got back together again. Did you hear? But she, um, "decapitated" him again. Isn't that redickless?

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Bateau Boy
.
Member # 3466
posted 12-20-2001 12:58 PM

What do you have when you cross a rabbitt with VD??
Peter Rottentail.

From: florida
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Concordia41
unregistered

posted 12-20-2001 01:12 PM

> A woman was having an affair during the day
> while her husband was at work. One day she was
> in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her
> husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled
> to the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and
> jump out the window, my husband's home early!"
>
> The boyfriend looked out the window and said,
> "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like
> hell out there!"
>
> She said, "If my husband catches us in here,
> he'll kill us both!"
>
> So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps
> out the window! As he began running down the
> street, he discovered he had run right in the
> middle of a town marathon, so he started
> running along beside the others. Being naked,
> with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried
> to "blend in" as best he could.
>
> One of the runners asked him, "Do you always
> run in the nude?"
>
> He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes,
> it feels so free having the air blow over your
> skin while you are running."
>
> The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do
> you always run carrying your clothes on your
> arm?"
>
> The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes,
> that way I can get dressed right at the end of
> the run and get in my car to go home!"
>
> The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a
> condom when you run?"
>
> He replied "Only if it's raining."

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brad9798
.
Member # 1807
posted 12-20-2001 03:09 PM

A man is lying in a hospital bed, upon hearing the news that he has just a few hours to live.
He is running through his life in his head ... to try to tie up all the loose ends, when his wife comes in.
He proceeds to tell her how much he loves her, about all the important documents she'll need ... he is just sobbing like a child.
She comforts him and holds his hand.
He tells her that there is something he must get off his chest-
"Honey, you know I love you ..."
"Yes." she says.
"You know that I have been a great father to our children."
"Yes." she says.
"There is something I MUST tell you, though ..."
"No, no honey. Let's just enjoy our last hours together." She interrupts.
"No," he says, "I must get something off my chest before I die."
His wife continues to comfort him, "No, it's okay, you do not have to say anything."
"YES, I do." he continues. "I have to tell you ...
"NO! You do not." She interrupts.
"Yes." He says. "Before I die, I have to tell you that I've been sleeping with your sister ... I'm, I'm, I'm very sorry for that."
"I know!" says his wife.
"WHAT ... you knew about that?" the man gasps.
"Yes." says his wife "That's why I poisoned you!"

From: St. Louis, MO
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Memphis Mike
.
Member # 3517
posted 12-20-2001 03:25 PM

Lady at the grocery store, feeling a little
flushed, I might say, notices how well built and handsome the bagboy is. While he is carrying out her groceries, she states
"I've got an Itchy Bush." Bag boy says,
"well lady you'll have to point it out. I can't tell one of these new forign cars from
the other."
[This message has been edited by Memphis Mike (edited 12-20-2001).]

From: Memphis, TN USA
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BrianCunningham
.
Member # 78
posted 12-20-2001 04:06 PM

You know you're living in the 00's when:-
1. You accidentally try to enter your password on the
microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is
that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still
answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally
insert a "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked
for three different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a disk in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost
all of your best jokes.
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third
World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge
or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting
salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with
all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch
while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in
hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent
staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four
full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on
strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works
with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your"friends"
24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

From: Detroit, MI, USA
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rickprose
.
Member # 1245
posted 12-20-2001 05:39 PM

a blonde and a brunette are siting around talking. the blonde says, "i really love my boyfriend, but he's got this icky dandruff that kind of turns me off."
the brunette says, "ew, i know! my boyfriend had it, too, but i helped him get rid of it."
"what'd you do," asks the blonde.
"I gave him head and shoulders."
the blonde thinks for a minute and says, "hm, that's interesting, but, how do you give 'shoulders'?"

From: Boothbay Harbor, ME
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Cecil Nickerson
.
Member # 4305
posted 12-20-2001 05:41 PM

This one's for you Mr. Harrow...
This is an actual customer complaint letter sent to NTL. NTL is a
Scottish telecom company...

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or, more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my mobile phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... er, how exactly when my modem has been disconnected?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed:
* that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
* that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
* that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
* that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed);
* that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman) ... and
* several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were **** , that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Regards,
Paul

From: Beaumont, Alberta, Canada
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Rich VanValkenburg
.
Member # 3131
posted 12-20-2001 05:52 PM

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

From: Warren, Mi U.S.A.
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Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 12-20-2001 08:54 PM

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message still on the screen:
"Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here."

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia
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Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 12-20-2001 08:58 PM

AND --
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train again, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia
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Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 12-20-2001 09:00 PM

Cecil, welcome, tho given my utterly informal nature the only people who ever address me as Mr. typically are emblazoned with some kind of badge... With the notable exception of the local yokel NH cop driving the ancient Ford Econoline, but that's a story for another time.
Good efforts by all thus far. This can be a wonderful time of year, or a stress-filled time of year, a binary event as it were. Thanks; please keep them coming.

From: Woodville, MA USA
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Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 12-20-2001 09:11 PM

WELL, OKAY, because you're such a nice bloke, Ed --
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia
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Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 12-20-2001 09:13 PM

AND --
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia
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whb
.
Member # 3998
posted 12-21-2001 12:01 AM

This is my wife's current favourite.
A fellow calls up a psychiatrist, saying,"Doctor, I think I might be crazy". The Dr. replies, "Make an appointment and we'll talk".
The man duly shows up for the appointment wearing only a loincloth fashioned of clingfilm (saran wrap), and the doctor immediately confirms his self-diagnosis:
"Well, I can see you're nuts!"
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bob goeckel
.
Member # 2428
posted 12-21-2001 12:13 AM

here's one of them "hmmmmm" things:
who does an atheist call out to during orgasm?

From: flint,mich usa
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huisjen
.
Member # 3406
posted 12-21-2001 12:16 AM

Comprehending Engineers Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers -Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the groundskeepers. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers -Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Comprehending Engineers -Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers -Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
Comprehending Engineers -Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid Foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed his mistress more, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a Beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

From: Spanaway, WA, USA
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bob goeckel
.
Member # 2428
posted 12-21-2001 12:17 AM

AND:
How are the detroit lions and billy graham alike?
they both have the ability to get people to stand up in their seats and shout "jesus christ"

From: flint,mich usa
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Noah
.
Member # 3500
posted 12-21-2001 01:57 AM

What do you get when you cross a Penis and a Potato?
A DickTater

From: Burlington, Vermont, USA
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Bryan Mehus
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Member # 2205
posted 12-21-2001 05:21 AM

A woman enters a grocery in an obvious hurry,carrying a vibrator. She calls to the male clerk "where are the batteries?". The clerk motions with his index finger to follow him and says "come this way" to which she replies "geez! If I could come that way I wouldn't need the batteries now would I!!"

From: Westbank,BC,Canada
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Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 12-21-2001 09:21 AM

huisjen - I think you've put me, almost, over the top - ROTFLMHO
This was sent to my by a party who shall remain nameless, unless he wishes to step into the light.
A Preacher and an Australian shepherd are up against each other in a TV
Quiz. after couple of round it's still equal and the Showmaster asks the
last question: Try to come up with a rhyme with the word "Timbuktu" in 5
minutes.
Both candidates start to think and the preacher comes up first: "I was a
father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through
and through on my way to Timbuktu..."
The audience is thrilled and believes the preacher to be the winner, but
then the Australian Shepherd steps forward and rhymes: "When Tim and I to
Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we
were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two..."
The sender noted that it was expressly for Shane...

From: Woodville, MA USA
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Bateau Boy
.
Member # 3466
posted 12-21-2001 09:40 AM

Subject: You ever wonder why little girls shouldn't grow up to be
> firemen?
>
>Children have such wonderful ideas about imitating adults and the things
>they do. Here's a pretty wild example of why little girls should NOT be
>fire(men):
>
>A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
>notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
>hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl
>is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
>
>The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire
>truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
>
>"Thanks," the girl says.
>
>The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
>wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
>
>"Little partner, " the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
>run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
>collar, I think you could go faster."
>
>The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a
>siren."
>

From: florida
================================================== ====
Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 12-21-2001 10:03 AM

ROTFLMHO - Good one John.
From another off-line source:
WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??
" Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob!
Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"

From: Woodville, MA USA
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Hughman2
.
Member # 2913
posted 12-21-2001 11:37 AM

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor
Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle
of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.
HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.
WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and
if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some
planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there
there might also be life.
HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

From: Searsport, ME
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Cecil Nickerson
.
Member # 4305
posted 12-21-2001 12:33 PM

OK Ed, just one more. After reading the 'mouse' post and seeing castor oil recommended for a remedy, I was reminded of this one. One of my dad's favourites. A gent was walking down the sidewalk and spied his friend, ashen-faced, clinging to a lamp post with arms and legs wrapped tightly about it. Knowing that his buddy was suffering from a bad cold and had just been to see the doctor for a wracking cough he feared the worst. "What's wrong" he asked. "The doctor gave me a prescription for a pint of castor oil, to be taken in one dose" repiled the stricken man. "Good God" says the first, "that's enough for a hundred patients!" The second man replied "I know, but it's working, I don't dare cough."
Regards, Cecil

From: Beaumont, Alberta, Canada
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Michael
.
Member # 1156
posted 12-21-2001 12:37 PM

I have a friend who thinks a Pokemon is a Jamaican proctologist.

From: Atlanta, GA USA
================================================== ====
Michael
.
Member # 1156
posted 12-21-2001 12:44 PM

Mary returned from her doctor in Glasgow...
John: "Aye Mary,back from the doctor I see...what did he have to say"?
Mary: "John, he said 'm the perfect picture of health."
John: "But what did he say about that big Irish ass of yours?"
Mary: "John, yer name never came up".

From: Atlanta, GA USA
================================================== ====
BrianCunningham
.
Member # 78
posted 12-21-2001 01:21 PM

this thread a riot!
Work bathroom etiquette
[This message has been edited by BrianCunningham (edited 12-21-2001).]

From: Detroit, MI, USA
================================================== ====
kwmcclure
.
Member # 2957
posted 12-21-2001 01:23 PM

A man approaching death, and thinking to outwit the system, called his three friends - a Catholic priest, a Rabbi, and a Presbyterian minister - and despite their argument gave them each $500,000 in cash of his considerable fortune with the instruction: "At the final viewing, place this money in my casket. I want to take it with me."
At the funeral, the three stepped forward.
The Catholic priest said, "Fred, I'm sorry. You really can't take it with you. I used the money to replace the roof on the church and do some repairs to the school. There is a plaque erected honoring your contribution."
The Rabbi said, "Fred, he's right. I used the money to help out some of our families who are in trouble. Their children will bless your soul every day from now on."
The Presbyterian minister said, "You guys! Fred trusted us with this money. Despite our feelings and needs, you should have respected his dying wish. Fred, at least I didn't let you down. Here's a check for the $500,000 you gave me."

From: Pittsburgh, PA USA
================================================== ====
Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 12-21-2001 08:29 PM

A joke missing from the engineer series...
No doubt it can be told better -
The French were in the process of executing a large number of undesirables, but were having a we bit of trouble with their humane device of imposed death, the guillotine. As a consequence, a number of the condemned had to be set free when the knife failed to drop when the cord was pulled. Finally, an engineer is lead to his doom. Just as the executioner is about to pull the cord, our ever clever engineer yells out, "Wait, I see the problem..."
Then there is this true story, likely lived by more than a few here.
Freshman physics. Combined class of physics and engineering majors. You know the class, several hundred in large room. Anyway the prof wants to get a measure of the group, so he starts off with a couple of problems...
"Across the street from where you stand is the women's dorm. On the steps of the women's dorm is a lovely co-ed waving you over. There is only one rule, you can only move have the distance between you and she every hour. The starting distance is 20'. How long will it take you to reach her?" Up in the front row an eager physics major sticks his hand up and says "I know the answer, I know the answer, if I can only advance 1/2 the distance, I'll never get there. Out in the back of the room another hand goes up "9 hours, I'll be close enough for all practical purposes." That was the engineering student.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathmatician were stranded on a deserted island. One day three cans of beer washed ashore. Each took a can (pre pull-tab era here). The engineer takes a rock and starts bashing the can until he rips the top of the can, and guzzles the little bit of beer that's left.
The physicist examins the can, writes figures on the sand, examains the can some more, writes some more on the ground and, finally picks up the can and, with his finger, "pings" the top of the can just so, and the top of the can peels off, and he drinks the beer.
The mathmatician just brings his can right up to his mouth. (Ok, I don't think I have the punch line quite right... I just can't remember.

From: Woodville, MA USA
================================================== ====
Scott Rosen
.
Member # 1201
posted 12-21-2001 09:27 PM

Jesse Jackson's new book: "Ministers do more than lay people"

From: West Hartford, Connecticut, USA
================================================== ====
huisjen
.
Member # 3406
posted 12-21-2001 10:39 PM

error message haiku:
>Three things are certain:
>Death, taxes, and lost data.
>Guess which has occurred.
>
>Everything is gone;
>Your life's work has been destroyed.
>Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
>
>Windows NT crashed.
>I am the Blue Screen of Death.
>No one hears your screams.
>
>Seeing my great fault
>Through darkening blue windows
>I begin again
>
>The code was willing,
>It considered your request,
>But the chips were weak.
>
>Printer not ready.
>Could be a fatal error.
>Have a pen handy?
>
>A file that big?
>It might be very useful.
>But now it is gone.
>
>Errors have occurred.
>We won't tell you where or why.
>Lazy programmers.
>
>Server's poor response
>Not quick enough for browser.
>Timed out, plum blossom.
>
>Chaos reigns within.
>Reflect, repent, and reboot.
>Order shall return.
>
>Login incorrect.
>Only perfect spellers may
>enter this system.
>
>This site has been moved.
>We'd tell you where, but then we'd
>have to delete you.
>
>Wind catches lily
>scatt'ring petals to the wind:
>segmentation fault
>
>ABORTED effort:
>Close all that you have.
>You ask way too much.
>
>First snow, then silence.
>This thousand dollar screen dies
>so beautifully.
>
>With searching comes loss
>and the presence of absence:
>"My Novel" not found.
>
>The Tao that is seen
>Is not the true Tao, until
>You bring fresh toner.
>
>The Web site you seek
>cannot be located but
>endless others exist
>
>Stay the patient course
>Of little worth is your ire
>The network is down
>
>A crash reduces
>your expensive computer
>to a simple stone.
>
>There is a chasm
>of carbon and silicon
>the software can't bridge
>
>Yesterday it worked
>Today it is not working
>Windows is like that
>
>To have no errors
>Would be life without meaning
>No struggle, no joy
>
>You step in the stream,
>but the water has moved on.
>This page is not here.
>
>No keyboard present
>Hit F1 to continue
>Zen engineering?
>
>Hal, open the file
>Hal, open the damn file, Hal
>open the file, please Hal
>
>Out of memory.
>We wish to hold the whole sky,
>But we never will.
>
>Having been erased,
>The document you're seeking
>Must now be retyped.
>
>The ten thousand things
>How long do any persist?
>Netscape, too, has gone.
>
>Rather than a beep
>Or a rude error message,
>These words: "File not found."
>
>Serious error.
>All shortcuts have disappeared
>Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

From: Spanaway, WA, USA
================================================== ====
huisjen
.
Member # 3406
posted 12-21-2001 10:41 PM

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

From: Spanaway, WA, USA
================================================== ====
Ross Faneuf
.
Member # 904
posted 12-21-2001 11:32 PM

What did the 0 say to the 8?
GREAT belt.

From: Lincolnville Center, ME, USA
================================================== ====
kwmcclure
.
Member # 2957
posted 12-23-2001 06:08 PM

The Ideal Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 at a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

From: Pittsburgh, PA USA
================================================== ====
kwmcclure
.
Member # 2957
posted 12-23-2001 06:15 PM

At the first session of a sex education class, the teacher asked the attendees, "Would those of you who have sexual relations more than once per week please raise your hands?"
A little less than 1/3 of the class raised their hands.
"Good," he said, "Now how about those who have relations less than once per week but more than once per month?"
Most of the rest of the class raised their hands.
"Ok," he said, "Now how about every six months?"
One lonely guy in the back started jumping up and down in his seat, panting and waving both hands frantically.
"Geez," said the teacher. "I can see being excited about more than once a week. I can even see excitement at more than once per month. But what's so exciting about once every six months?"
The lonely guy screamed, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"

From: Pittsburgh, PA USA
================================================== ====
Kristian
.
Member # 3952
posted 12-23-2001 06:48 PM

Little Karen was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Karen?"
"My goldfish died," replied Karen tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Karen patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

From: New West, BC, Canada eh?
================================================== ====
hugh man
.
Member # 1748
posted 12-23-2001 08:56 PM

A novitiate newly assigned to the monastery was set to work copying manuscripts. After several weeks of this, He asked the abbot why so much time was spent on such repetitive work. The abbot was explaining the meditative value of the work, and the need for authentic copies etc., when the novitiate asked, "how do you know these are accurate, copied one from another?" The old Abbot thought about that for a while, and than said "OK, I will go down to the catacombs and check". Several hours pass, and the Novitiate began to worry. "Maybe I better go see if the old man is all right, he could have fallen, or had a stroke or something". Down he goes into the catacombs where he finds the old abbot crumpled in a corner, weeping and beating his head against the wall...CELEBRATE! It says CELEBRATE!

From: Rockville, Maine
================================================== ====
Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 01-02-2002 10:05 AM

This just in - combines thoughts of several of the later contributions...
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding on a plane, each enjoying a leisurely cocktail and after a while start to chat a bit.

The Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."

The Priest nodded in understanding and leaned back in his seat to relax.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?

From: Woodville, MA USA
================================================== ====
JohnT
.
Member # 3412
posted 01-02-2002 12:25 PM

The older of two brothers, 8 and 6 years old, decides it's time to start acting more more mature. "Tommy, today we're acting more grown up. We're gonna start swearing." The younger brother nods his approval. "At breakfast, I'm gonna say, 'Hell' and you say, 'Fat ass'." Again the youngest agrees.
Mom enters the dining room and asks, "Well boys, what would you like for breakfast?" The oldest pipes up, "What the hell, I'll have Cheerios." Mom grabs him by the ear, hauls him off his chair, drags him into the shower and turns on the cold watter. As she returns to the dining room (the howls of the oldest can be heard through the house) she says to the younster, "And what will you have young man?" He stammers for a moment and says, "Well, you bet your fat ass it's not Cheerios!!"

From: Phoenix, Arizona
================================================== ====
kwmcclure
.
Member # 2957
posted 01-02-2002 12:42 PM

GOOD NEWS, AND BAD NEWS
----------------------------------------
Bill and Mike, lifelong friends, love baseball. They've played at least twice per week since they were 10 years old. The two made a pact that whichever one died first would come back and let the other know whether there was baseball in the afterlife.
As it happens, Bill died first. Two weeks after the funeral, he appeared in the middle of the night at the foot of Mike's bed. Mike recognized him immediately, and asked "Well? What's the story?"
Bill said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there IS baseball in the afterlife."
Mike said, "Great. What's the bad news?"
Bill said, "You're pitching next Wednesday."
----------------------------------------
Fred, not feeling well, went to the doctor for a checkup and some tests. Two weeks later, the doctor called and said, "I have some good news and some bad news, Fred."
Fred said, "Ok. Give me the good news."
Doc said, "You have 24 hours to live."
Fred said, "Crap! What could be worse news than that?"
Doc said, "I forgot to call you yesterday."
----------------------------------------
Bill Clinton stepped out onto the White House front porch to check out the newly fallen snow. The front lawn looked like a picture postcard in the morning sun, with snow glittering on the branches of the trees. Suddenly, Bill noticed that someone had urinated in the snow by the porch, writing "Clinton is a fool!"
Bill flew into a rage and demanded an investigation. One week later, the head of the investigating committee came to Bill and said, "Mr. President, we've completed our investigation and we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that through extensive testing and urinalysis, we can prove conclusively that it was Al Gore that did it."
Bill said, "What's the bad news?"
The committee head replied, "It's in Hillary's handwriting."

From: Pittsburgh, PA USA
================================================== ====
JohnT
.
Member # 3412
posted 01-02-2002 01:06 PM

A fellow is browsing an antique shop in Chinatown when he finds a brass statue of a rat. The shopkeeper says, "Very interesting rat, only $20 for statue. For story of rat, $200." The fellow says, "Well, I'm sure it's a very interesting story, but I'll just take the rat." He pays the shopkeeper and is walking down the street when he notices a number of rats following him. Concerned, he quickens his pace, only to attract more rats. On the verge of panic, he begins running toward the wharf, now with a horde of rats on his heels. He reaches the end of the pier and hurls the statue, with all his strength, as far out into the water as he can then watches in amazement as thousands of rats follow the brass statue to the depths of the bay and to their deaths.
Shaken, he gathers his wits and hurries back to the shop. The shopkeeper greets him with a knowing smile and says, "Ah so, you come back for story rat."
"No," he says catching his breath, "I was wondering if you had any brass lawyers?"

From: Phoenix, Arizona
================================================== ====
kwmcclure
.
Member # 2957
posted 01-02-2002 01:11 PM

Ok. Just one more.
===========================================
Pete and Fred were walking down the street, and saw a sign in a men's clothing store that said "All Suits On Sale!" Pete said, "I think I'll get me a new suit" and walked into the store.
The salesman looked at Pete, looked at Fred, and decided to himself, "Here's a couple of dim bulbs" since neither Pete nor Fred had too much on the ball.
The salesman grabbed a suit off the seconds rack for Pete and had him put it on. Pete looked at himself in the mirror, and said "Yeah! Looks good!" But Fred said, "Wait. Look at the sleeves. The left sleeve is way too short!"
The salesman tugged the sleeve down and had Pete clasp the edge between his fingers and palm and hold it. Pete looked in the mirror again and said, "Yeah! Looks good!" But Fred said, "Wait. Look at the lapel. Now the lapel is sticking out!"
The salesman patted down the lapel and had Pete put his chin on it to hold it in place. Pete turned back to the mirror, still holding the sleeve and with his chin pressed to his chest and said "Yeah! Looks good!" But Fred said, "Wait. Look at the pants. They're really baggy in the butt!"
The salesman went around and gathered up the excess material in the back, and had Pete reach around with his right hand and hold the bunched-up fabric. Pete again turned to the mirror with his left hand stiffly holding the edge of the sleeve, his chin pressed to his chest and his right hand behind him holding the pants and said "Yeah! Looks REALLY good!"
Fred said that it looked okay, handed Pete's money to the salesman and they left.
As they walked down the street, with Pete's left hand out stiff holding the sleeve, his neck twisted and chin pressed to his lapel and his right hand pulled behind him holding the pants, two nuns approached from the other direction.
One nun said to the other, "Look at that poor man. He looks so crippled."
The other said, "Yes, but doesn't his suit fit nice!"

From: Pittsburgh, PA USA
================================================== ====
JohnT
.
Member # 3412
posted 01-02-2002 01:45 PM

Two guys are driving down a country road behind a pickup truck when a pig falls out of the truck and rolls into a squealing heap by the side of the road. They stop to check out the pig and find that other than being shaken up a bit it's OK, so they load the pig in the back seat and take off to catch the truck. Well, of course they're speeding and of course a state trooper stops them. They explain about how the pig fell out and how they're trying to catch the truck and the trooper says, "Look, you're never gonna catch that truck, but I'll tell you what. Your hearts are in the right place so I'll give you a break. There's a zoo down the road a few miles. You take the pig to the zoo and I'll forget about the speeding ticket." They agree and they're gone.
A few days later the trooper sees the same two guys driving toward town with the pig, again in the back seat, this time wearing a baseball cap. He pulls them over and is greeted with a cheery, "Hello Officer."
'I thought... I told you two... to take that pig... to the zoo." He says sternly.
"We did. And he had such a good time, that today we're taking him to a ball game."

From: Phoenix, Arizona
================================================== ====
Scott Rosen
.
Member # 1201
posted 01-02-2002 01:58 PM

Canadian Savvy
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a**hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet. Where are you from, son? "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there. "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!" The boy replied, "No sh*t??? Who did she play for???
A blonde down on her luck
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!" said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents. The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

From: West Hartford, Connecticut, USA
================================================== ====
Bateau Boy
.
Member # 3466
posted 01-04-2002 07:06 PM

I surely hope even the liberals will realize this is funny. :D , , ,

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

From: florida
================================================== ====
rickprose
.
Member # 1245
posted 01-04-2002 07:59 PM

Irv and Abe were in business together for over fifty years, and after their respective spouses died they ended up sharing a room in the same retirement home. As they neared the end of their lives they made a pact that whichever one went to his reward first, he would come back, if at all possible, to let the survivor know what the afterlife was like.
So, one day Irv dies. Abe is bereaved, but also looking forward to his friend's report.
Abe's lying in bed one afternoon, working the crossword puzzle, when he hears Irv's voice, plain as day, calling to him.
"Abe," he says, "I've returned from beyond, just as I promised I would."
"Oy," says Abe," So tell me, what's it like? Describe what a typical day is like in the hereafter."
"A typical day, you want? Okay! In the morning, the first thing I do is wake up, scratch myself a little, then I take a big healthy dump. I eat a little, have a little sex, walk around for a bit, have some more sex, eat a little more, take another big dump, eat some more, and maybe have a little more sex before I go to sleep for the night."
"You're putting me on, right," says Abe.
"It's the emmis," says Irv, "My hand to God."
"Oy, Irving, I never imagined Heaven was such a wonderful place!"
"Heaven? Feh!," replies Irv, "I'm a buffalo in Wyoming!"

From: Boothbay Harbor, ME
================================================== ====
rickprose
.
Member # 1245
posted 01-04-2002 08:09 PM

A little Alzheimer's humor for the older set:
Merle and Winnie, both in their eighties, are sitting in their chairs in front of the tv, when Merle speaks up and says, "You know what I'd like right now?"
"No idea," says Winnie.
"I'd like a big bowl of vanilla ice cream," he says.
"Well, Merle, why don't I just go into the kitchen and get it for you?" Winnie replies.
"Oh, that would be great, but, you know what, on top of the ice cream, I'd like some chocolate sauce."
"Well," she says, rising, "I could get that, too."
"Oh, and you know what? I'd also like some nuts on it, and a cherry right on top. But you'd better right all this down, you might forget."
Rising to her full height, Winnie icily says,"I do not need to write anythin' down. You want a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, with chocolate sauce, nuts and a cherry right spang on top of it, and I'm gonna get it, Mr. Man."
Winnie goes into the kitchen, Merle hears pots banging and water running, and the fridge door opening and closing, cabinet doors banging, and twenty minutes later Winnie enters the living room carrying a tray loaded down with eggs, bacon, sausage, waffles and a coffee pot.
She sets the whole thing in front in front of Merle, who looks it over and starts to yell, "Winnie, you old fool, I told you you should have written it down! You forgot the toast and jam!"

From: Boothbay Harbor, ME
================================================== ====

ken mcclure
03-05-2006, 05:35 PM
Note: This was page 1. I'll post the rest as I get time.

[ 03-05-2006, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: ken mcclure ]

jack grebe
03-05-2006, 08:43 PM
too cool, I was just thinkin if only we could :rolleyes:

katey
03-08-2006, 08:20 AM
Ken, has anyone told you lately that you are a marvelous human being?

Katey

jack grebe
03-08-2006, 08:23 AM
hi katey, how's life treatin ya

ken mcclure
03-09-2006, 07:33 PM
Katey, SHHHHHH!

You'll ruin a reputation I've spent years trying to build.

ken mcclure
03-09-2006, 07:55 PM
Humor Me .... page 2.

==============================================

Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 01-09-2002 10:05 PM

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've been no help whatsoever."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you are blaming me."

From: Woodville, MA USA

Tom Dugan
.
Member # 639
posted 01-10-2002 01:47 PM

I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.
After enjoying Ed's engineer/mgr story above, I had to check to settle a nagging bother.
Yep. His coordinates are in the middle of the North Atlantic.
And yep. I'm an engineer. By title only, I've been telling myself for years.
Help me. Help me.

From: Lower Marlboro, MD, USA

Ian McColgin
.
Member # 32
posted 01-10-2002 02:14 PM

She was on the Misty Isle of Avelon . . . That's right were it is sometimes.

From: Hyannis, MA, USA

Hugh Paterson
.
Member # 3371
posted 01-10-2002 04:16 PM

Two Irishmen working at Glasgow Airport fueling aircraft. Paddy says to Murphy,"dont you think this smells familiar" Murphy.
"not at all Paddy just smells like gasoline to me".
"Noooo Murphy it smells like somthing else, hang on a minute slurp slurp slurp, got it its Irish whiskey"
"Bollocks Paddy, lets have a snort, slurp slurp slurp, to be sure its whiskey right enough....... two hours later, both stoned.....zzzzzzzzzz.
The following day....ring ring....ring ring....ring ring....hello, that you Paddy.
yup Murphy. Hows your head Paddy?
Banging and I can see two of everything!
Thats O.K. Paddy just dont FART, Im in Portugal!

From: Glasgow Scotland

brian.cunningham
.
Member # 4403
posted 01-10-2002 04:22 PM

I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There
are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

brian.cunningham
.
Member # 4403
posted 01-10-2002 04:26 PM

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre
and says: "Pierre kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and
splashes it on Marie's Lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the
startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I
have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me
lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?"
asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have
white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude
and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our
hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in
her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and
dives into the river.
Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and
screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Scott Rosen
.
Member # 1201
posted 01-10-2002 05:00 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

From: West Hartford, Connecticut, USA

brian.cunningham
.
Member # 4403
posted 01-11-2002 02:37 PM

Women should not have children after 35.
Really... 35 children are enough.
I live in my own little world,
but it's ok, they know me here.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Home is where you can say anything you like
'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
If God had intended for man to use the metric
system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when
you start getting clothes for Christmas!
Sign In Oriental Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised
I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
I have learned there is little difference
in husbands, you might as well keep the first.
Travel is very educational. I can now say
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding.
That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
Shopping tip:
You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done,
usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was asalted.
"No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning."
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
"How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?"
How long a minute is depends on what
side of the bathroom door you're on.
Middle age is when you choose
your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 01-19-2002 10:48 AM

HOW MANY CHRISTIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
AMISH: What's a light bulb?
BAPTIST: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.
EPISCOPALIAN: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
LUTHERAN: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
METHODIST: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
MORMON: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
NAZARENE: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
PENTECOSTAL: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIAN: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
ROMAN CATHOLIC: None. Candles only.
UNITARIAN: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia

Bob Cleek
.
Member # 1211
posted 01-20-2002 04:37 AM

Guy comes into the emergency room in golfing togs and he's all beat up and has a chipping wedge wrapped around his neck. The ER doc asks,"God! Who did this to you!" The guy says, "My wife!" The doctor asks, "Why on earth would she do that?" The patient says, "She did it when she shagged a drive into the rough and I found her ball." At that, the doctor is incredulous. "Explain, explain..." he says. The golfer says, "After we were looking for almost forever, I finally found her ball and it had hit and stuck in this cow's ass." The doc says, "And for that then she beat the crap out of you?" "No," says the golfer, "she went berserk when I lifted the cow's tail and pointed to her ball and said, `Honey, this one looks like yours.'"

From: San Francisco Bay

Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 01-20-2002 08:46 AM

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"So that's when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, but the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the bloody putt, didn't you?"

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia

Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 01-20-2002 08:49 AM

On the honeymoon, the young groom decides to set things straight right away. He takes off his slacks and hands them to his bride saying, "Here. Put these on."
She holds them up and says, "I can't wear these. They're too big!"
He says, "That's right. They don't fit you, they fit me. I'm the man. I wear the pants in this family."
She lowers her eyebrows and looks at him for a second, then bends down and pulls off her silk panties, saying "Here. Put these on."
He struggles to get them up to his knees, then gives up and says, "I can't get into these."
She says, "That's right. And you won't until you change your attitude."

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia

Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 01-20-2002 08:55 AM

Two hunters were out looking for sign when one of them fell to the ground, rolled onto his back, and rolled his eyes up into the sockets.
His buddy panicked, dropped to his knees beside him,"What is it? A heart attack?" Then he yanked the cell phone out of his pack and dialed 911.
"Yes, can I help you?" purred a soothing voice.
"We're out huntiung deer and all-of-a-sudden-like my buddy has a heart attack!!! I think he's dead!!!"
"Now, Now, Before we get all excited, let's just make sure whether he's really dead", cooed the voice."
(Short silence out in the field, then the voice hears a rifle shot over the phone, followed by another pause.)
"OK, I'm sure he's dead; now what?"

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia

Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 01-20-2002 08:56 AM

And here's a real worrier --
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-20-2002 06:57 PM

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's
right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple
of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few
items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she
said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed
my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid
her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened....
MAKE YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and Pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do
you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No,
just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked
the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the
central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from
the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

EASY TO PLEASE: I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher
commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year.
My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I
explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of
time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the
truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

Roger Stouff
.
Member # 4676
posted 01-20-2002 07:37 PM

Tee-Boy got kicked out of school again. He was very mad about it, and afraid of facing his mama. He was walking up the long, long path to the little Cajun cottage, and the family cow passed by him, so BAMM! He kicked the cow. He walked a little farther, and he could see mama up there, with a switch in her hand, tappring her leg. It was going to be real bad, Tee-boy knew.
He saw one of the chickens and BAMM! He kicked the chicken. Now mama was really going to town on her leg with that switch and Tee-boy was getting more and more mad. He was almost to the house and there was one of the pigs so BAMM! He kicked the pig. Mama was hitting her leg with that switch so hard by then she was practically bleeding.
"Tee-boy, you done got kicked outta school again, huh?"
"Yes, mama."
Mama said, "Well, I'm too durn mad to whup you right now, Tee-boy, I probably would kill you. But because you kicked the cow, you ain't getting no milk for supper. And because you kicked that chicken, no eggs for breakfast. And because you kicked that pig, no bacon, either. Now get your tail in the house!"
So Tee-boy went inside, and right about then, Papa comes home, drunker than a barrel full of monkeys. He stumbles on up to the house, barely able to stand up, and there's the family cat on the doorstep so BAMM! He kicked the cat.
Tee-boy comes running out the house, looks at Papa, then looks at Mama and says, "You gonna tell him, or you want me to?"
Regards from the Rez,
RS

From: South coastal Louisiana

dasboat
.
Member # 1202
posted 01-20-2002 08:51 PM

That one gets sent to ALL my friends.

From: roseville,ca,USA

Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 01-20-2002 09:38 PM

ROTFLMAO!!

From: Woodville, MA USA

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-21-2002 03:19 AM

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who
will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....
True story...we had a female news anchor who, the day
after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the
crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-21-2002 12:55 PM

Subject: Keep this going
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to
be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuitmodel. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the
chain, and got his own wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!
Bill Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
William Jefferson Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W. J. Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
William Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
W Jefferson Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
William J Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Slick Willie Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017
Mr. Hillary Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

Ross Faneuf
.
Member # 904
posted 01-21-2002 05:25 PM

Three high-iron workers are sitting on a bare beam 35 stories up, and are about to have lunch. The Mexican says 'If it's burritos again, I'm jumping'. The Irishman says 'If it's corned beef again, I'm jumping'. The Blonde guy says 'If it's baloney again, I'm jumping'. Sure enough - the Mexican gets burritos and jumps; The Irishman gets corned beef and jumps; the Blonde guy gets baloney and jumps.
The have a common funeral, and their wives are commiserating at the reception. The Mexican's wife says, "I swear, if I'd known he felt like that, I never would have made burritos again". The Irishman's wife expresses a similar sentiment, and they turn to the Blonde guy's wife, who says, "Don't look at me, he always made his own lunch".

From: Lincolnville Center, ME, USA

Kristian
.
Member # 3952
posted 01-21-2002 11:45 PM

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments,the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'."Mutual orgasm here and 'mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For two bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up two dollars.
As fast as he could,the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"How did it go" asked his friend.
"Great!" he said, "I won first prize as a dried arrangement!"

From: New West, BC, Canada eh?

kwmcclure
.
Member # 2957
posted 01-21-2002 11:52 PM

An old geezer was walking down the sidewalk in a seedy part of town one night. As he approached a "lady of the evening," she said, "I can give you super sex!"
He replied, "I'll try the soup, thanks!"

From: Pittsburgh, PA USA

kwmcclure
.
Member # 2957
posted 01-21-2002 11:55 PM

Next day, the old geezer went to the bakery. A young, pretty girl with a short skirt was behind the counter up on a ladder putting some fresh bread on the top shelf. When he said he wanted a loaf of that bread, she asked, "Raisin?"
He answered, "No, but it's twitchin' a little!"

From: Pittsburgh, PA USA

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-22-2002 09:53 AM

True Story

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a
nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her
sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,
with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been
at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an
hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough
on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad
of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached b!
ack to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to
hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her
aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-22-2002 09:55 AM

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when
> > he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked
> > towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a
> > card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
> > The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
> > The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
> > Here's one that goes nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a
> > tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a
> > nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a
> > nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
> > The Arab disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling
> > back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told
> > you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped "I
> > found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-22-2002 10:00 AM

Subject: Newly married
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He
said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon.
One afternoon they were lying by the pool, when he got up off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer.
This was followed by a three rotation in jackknife position where he
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
we would learn more about each other as we went along.
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out
of breath.
He said, "That was incredible!" Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
the canal."

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-22-2002 10:03 AM

Criminal Crimes
This just goes to show the quality of our criminals has
definitely taken a nose-dive!
Florida:
Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the
bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment,
everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved
his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't
have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The would-be
thief ran away and is still at large.
Tennessee:
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the
bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is,
the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he
didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
Louisiana:
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If
someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed?
Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York:
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give the police a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the
store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told,
"Stand there for a positive ID." To this instruction the man
replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."
Washington:
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to
a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesperson said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose
into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the
vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.
New Jersey:
A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there
was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called
the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad
in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to
meet, and the thief was arrested.
Michigan:
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun,
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available
for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky:
Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove
home--. with the chain still attached to the machine-- with
their bumper still attached to the chain-- with their vehicle's
license plate still attached to the bumper.

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

LAMESS
.
Member # 3506
posted 01-22-2002 01:04 PM

The manufactures of Viagra are negotiating with Pepsi-Cola to add it to a soft drink. Has to be Pepsi since they make Mountain dew. Finally teetotallers will be able to pour a stiff one.

From: Evansville, WI

MR. KNOW IT ALL
.
Member # 4106
posted 01-23-2002 11:24 PM

Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?" "Don't you know who I am? I don't
need no woman givin' me nuthin'" barked Bin Laden The genie pleaded
"But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this
bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the
inconvenience of it all, he said "okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three
white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie
an evil glare, he screamed "Now leave me alone!" The annoyed genie
said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next
morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding,
and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were crushed, and he
had no health insurance.
Peace------> Kevin in Ohio

From: THE NORTH COAST,OHIO.U.S.A.

Maybritt
.
Member # 1063
posted 01-24-2002 12:23 AM

What happens to a lawyer who takes Viagra ?
He gets taller......

From: Singapore

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-24-2002 09:23 AM

You Are A Redneck If ...
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same
tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with
a flyswatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling
center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the
high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from
the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and
they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting
dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to Show and Tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing
fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a
program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during
Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms
so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time, hoping to fill
your deer quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls; they all say
Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter-horse is that ride in front of
K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop
always brings home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000
worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You missed your 5th grade graduation because you had
jury duty.
You think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your
teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_warnings.swf

Subject: A Blonde and a Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
agitated, says, Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. This catches the
blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless
she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth
to the moon? The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four legs?
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no
avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde
says, Thank you, and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, Well, what's the answer?
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

Subject: advice

Subject: Moral of the story

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked
that it was a shame the old man was walking
and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were
stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying
how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right,
so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss
your ass good-bye.
Subject: Farmer Joe
>
> Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
> enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
> In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
> "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
> ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
> Bessie into the--"
> ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
> the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were
> fine?"
> ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
> road--''
> ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
> accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was
> just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
> client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
> question.''
> By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
> told the lawyer so.
> ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
> favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
> this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
> right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
> the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
> could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
> shape just by her groans.
> Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could
> hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked
> at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
> Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
> looked at me.
> He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you
> feeling?'"
>

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

JohnT
.
Member # 3412
posted 01-24-2002 10:27 AM

Where Enron learned economics:
A concrete-truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me."
A month later the farmer met up with the readi-mix driver and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Some Trivia
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet
(OMG...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(Holy Cow!!!)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
(It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.)
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over
quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(No Comment........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!)
(30 Minutes!!!!!!!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig? or the lion!)

From: Phoenix, Arizona

rodcross
.
Member # 2524
posted 01-24-2002 11:02 AM

Disclaimer: NOT MY JOKE. IT CAME IN THE MAIL. Oh, I wish I had some phony, anonymous username. Well, what the hell...here goes...
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

From: Guilford, CT, USA

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-24-2002 04:16 PM

1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag
himself.
3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.
6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.
10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.
11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is
free yet?
14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.
15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different
colors.. but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.
20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
23. If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He
didn't trust me so much.
27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old
because you stop laughing.
28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust
our sails.
30. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-25-2002 10:41 AM

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand
next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-25-2002 10:56 AM

Easy to understand why radical Muslim terrorists are so quick tocommit suicide. Just look at
their lifestyle.
* No premarital sex.
* No booze. None. Never.
* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV. No Computers.
* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.
* No Hooters!!.
* No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- NO sports!!!.
* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.
* No Victoria's Secret Stuff.
* Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
* Sand. . *&^%** sand everywhere!
* More sand.
* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
* Sandstorms. More **$#@ sand everywhere!
* Rags for clothes and hats.
* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips
* Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe your butt with your left hand.
* Constant wailing from the a**hole next door ...........no..wait--that's music!
And when you die it's supposed to all get better......
No wonder they volunteer!!

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 01-25-2002 01:20 PM

Chuck, you're running overtime!

From: Woodville, MA USA

paladinsfo
.
Member # 2645
posted 01-25-2002 02:48 PM

dawgonnit, Ed ....you said you needed some humor......I'm just tryin'.....

From: Chesapeake Beach, Md 20732 U.S.A.

Ed Harrow
.
Member # 1235
posted 01-25-2002 03:02 PM

Yadungood. Keep em coming (but don't run out).

From: Woodville, MA USA

Kristian
.
Member # 3952
posted 01-26-2002 01:47 AM

A penguin is driving through Australia on a hot summers day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.
The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first, but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and its Australia in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts on his ice cream.
Of course the poor bugger has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess.
He waddles back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal.
"Oh no, no, no", says the penguin, "that's just ice cream".

Little Karen was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Karen?"
"My goldfish died," replied Karen tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Karen patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

From: New West, BC, Canada eh?

Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 01-26-2002 07:11 AM

I heard a rumour you were back, Chuck. Seems like it might have been right, huh?
___________
Bill and Mike, lifelong friends, love baseball. They've played at least twice per week since they were 10 years old. The two made a pact that whichever one died first would come back and let the other know whether there was baseball in the afterlife.
As it happens, Bill died first. Two weeks after the funeral, he appeared in the middle of the night at the foot of Mike's bed. Mike recognized him immediately, and asked "Well? What's the story?"
Bill said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there IS baseball in the afterlife."
Mike said, "Great. What's the bad news?"
Bill said, "You're pitching next Wednesday."

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia

Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 01-26-2002 07:12 AM

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 at a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia

Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 01-26-2002 07:15 AM

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia

Mike Field
.
Member # 2239
posted 01-26-2002 07:16 AM

A man approaching death, and thinking to outwit the system, called his three friends - a Catholic priest, a Rabbi, and a Presbyterian minister - and despite their argument gave them each $500,000 in cash of his considerable fortune with the instruction: "At the final viewing, place this money in my casket. I want to take it with me."
At the funeral, the three stepped forward.
The Catholic priest said, "Fred, I'm sorry. You really can't take it with you. I used the money to replace the roof on the church and do some repairs to the school. There is a plaque erected honoring your contribution."
The Rabbi said, "Fred, he's right. I used the money to help out some of our families who are in trouble. Their children will bless your soul every day from now on."
The Presbyterian minister said, "You guys! Fred trusted us with this money. Despite our feelings and needs, you should have respected his dying wish. Fred, at least I didn't let you down. Here's a check for the $500,000 you gave me."

From: Western Port, Victoria, Australia

J C H
.
Member # 2495
posted 01-26-2002 09:12 AM

So it's a quiet afternoon in the bar, and the bartender is down at the end washing glasses. After some time, the door swings open and a drunk staggers in. He eventually staggers over to a stool and orders a beer. The bartender sets one down in front of him and goes back to washing glasses. Halfway through the beer, the drunk waves the bartender over.
"How big to penguins get?" he asks.
"Gosh, I don't know," says the bartender, "maybe 2 or 3 feet tall."
The drunk grunts and goes back to his beer, and the bartender goes back to washing glasses. After a couple more swigs, the drunk waves the bartender back down.
"What's the biggest penguin you've ever seen?" he asks.
"I don't know," says the bartender, having only seen penguins on nature shows, "maybe about knee-high or so."
The drunk grunts again, and focuses his attention on his beer (about the only thing he can focus on at this point) while the bartender goes back to his washing. A couple more swigs later, the drunk calls the bartender back.
"What's the biggest penguin in the world?" he asks.
"Dang, I don't know," says the bartender. He reaches under the bar and brings out an encyclopedia. "Here it is... 'The empire penguin in the largest of the penguin family, standing at three feet tall.'"
"Drat," says the drunk, "damn."
"Why, what's wrong?" asks the bartender.
"I just ran over a nun."

From: Coast O' Maine

kwmcclure
.
Member # 2957
posted 01-26-2002 09:57 AM

An older nun started talking to a young nun who had recently entered the convent, and asked her "What do you think of this life?"
The young nun replied, "It's everything I thought it would be so far, but I do miss having a small drink of whiskey before bedtime."
The old nun rubbed her lips thoughtfully and said, "Yes, I know what you mean. Tell you what...we go into town every Wednesday for groceries. I know the bartender there. How about I set it up so that we can slip out after prayers on Thursday and have a couple shooters?"
So it's all set up, and after prayers the two slipped out and cut across the fields towards town. When they came to a barbed wire fence, the older nun said "I'll hold the wire down while you step over."
As the young nun got half way and was straddling the fence, she gave a nervous laugh and said, "I feel like a marine."
The older nun exclaimed, "Are you nuts? Where in the heck are we gonna find two marines at this hour of night?"

From: Pittsburgh, PA USA

kwmcclure
.
Member # 2957
posted 01-26-2002 09:59 AM

Three nuns were doing the housekeeping in the parish rectory. One said, "I found condoms in Father Sullivan's dresser." The second said, "Yeah. I found them there last week and poked holes in all of them." The third one fainted.

From: Pittsburgh, PA USA

htom
.
Member # 919
posted 01-27-2002 11:16 PM

Stolen from my mail ...
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler:
Make me!
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the little light bulbs in a little circle....
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I can't see a light bulb?
German Shepard:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

From: Eagan, Minnesota, USA

JohnT
.
Member # 3412
posted 01-28-2002 10:51 AM

A fellow is sitting at his neighborhood bar, enjoying his after work drink, when through the door walks the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He CAN'T stop looking at her. She notices his stare and walks up to him as he tries to stammer out an apology.
She says, "Really, it's ok. In fact, I'm flattered and I have a proposition for you."
"A proposition?" he asks.
"Yes. I'll do anything you want, no matter what, no matter how kinky, for $100. But there's one condition."
"Uh, what's the condition?"
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in exactly three words. No more, no less." She smiles.
He thinks for a moment, reaches into his wallet, counts out five twenties, presses the money into her soft warm palm as he looks deeply into her eyes and says, "Paint my house."

From: Phoenix, Arizona

Bruce Hooke
03-09-2006, 08:36 PM
Thanks Ken!

Edited to remove my comments about it being incomplete. I did not see the post about this being done page by page...

Thanks again!

[ 03-10-2006, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: Bruce Hooke ]

ken mcclure
03-10-2006, 07:27 AM
I'm posting one page at a time. So far, everything's coming through except pictures. smile.gif

Above are page one and page two.