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View Full Version : WE NEED A NEW JOKE THREAD



jack grebe
01-27-2006, 06:53 PM
:D

Peter Malcolm Jardine
01-27-2006, 06:55 PM
Damn, that is a loss. :(

jack grebe
01-27-2006, 06:57 PM
yup but at least we got rid of the sugerbreaches thread :D

joejapan
01-27-2006, 07:05 PM
.
Bob stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.....

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the hell is taking you so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Bob explained, "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

P.I. Stazzer-Newt
01-27-2006, 07:16 PM
Originally posted by Paladin.

Dear Lil Bruther..
You being the Preacher in the family and I but a poor sinner trying to
understand all this stuff....and you being an educator to folks as pertains to
God's law...I needs some help. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle fer instance, I remind them of leviticus 18:22 which clearly states
it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice, however,
regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

When I burn a bull on the alter as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9) The problem is my nieghbors. They claim the odor
is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell a daughter into slavery, maybe both, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what would be a fair price...each.

I know that I am not allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense at the question....

Lev.25:44 states that I may own slaves, male and female, provided that they are purchased from nieghboring nations. some folks claim that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. why can't i own Canadians...please clarify..

I have a nieghbor who works on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Another friend feels that although eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree....please clarify.

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the alter of God if I have defects in my sight. You know I wear glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, at the local barber shop. Now this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

Now a couple of parts to the next question.....
Lev. 11:6-8 tells me that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean...so....can I play football if i wear gloves...and..since the pig is skinned before you barbeque the ribs am I required to wear gloves when eating the critter?

One of my boating buddies down the road owns a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot, especially when he hits his thumb with a hammer. is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the entire town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private affair like we do with people that sleep with thei in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I have great confidence in you L'il brother. i know that you have studied these subjects long and hard so I hope you can help a poorly educated layman..
Regards,
Chuckie

joejapan
01-27-2006, 07:22 PM
.
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied there were 6.

The judge then said, "Well,I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " O.K., what is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

Peter Malcolm Jardine
01-27-2006, 07:24 PM
What does Michael Jackson call Hallowe'en?

Room service.

ssor
01-27-2006, 09:31 PM
A young couple on their way to be married suffered a fatal accident and ended up at heavens gate where St. Peter met them. They asked if it were possible that they might still be married. St. Peter said he would find out. He was gone for a very long time and the man and woman started wondering, Suppose it doesn't work out should we have to spend eternity in an unhappy marriage. Finally St.Pete came back and told the couple that, Yes! They could get married. Well they asked , While you were away we wondered , if it doesn't work out can we get a divorce. Well St. Pete thows down his clip board and cries

"It took me two months to find a priest, how long do you think it will take to find a lawyer?"

StevenBauer
01-27-2006, 10:32 PM
The old jole thread is available HERE (http://tinyurl.com/dhl44)

Enjoy. :D

Steven

Noah
01-27-2006, 10:52 PM
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee together, discussing how important their children were.

The first one told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirpped, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman said smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her this subtle "Well...?"

So she replied, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

PeterSibley
01-28-2006, 01:48 AM
A man went to a zoo, there wasn't anything there ,just a dog.It was a ****zu.

huisjen
01-28-2006, 08:51 AM
And this from Truely Violet at the Knitter's Review Forum:

Ask your doctor or pharmacist

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

R.I.Singer30
01-28-2006, 09:23 AM
True story ..My mom was recently in the hospital when a young orderly came in,he had bright red hair.Mom was feeling well enough to kid him and said"You must be Irish?". He replied no,I'm Polish but my mom is Irish. It made her/our day. smile.gif Thanx to him.

George Roberts
01-28-2006, 10:52 AM
StevenBauer ---

... but just the first page.