Iraqi politics

[stan v]

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along
the Iraqi border.

To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along side the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head
and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!"

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton, Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy and most of your Democrats are unprincipled, lying pieces of trash, too!"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

[Meerkat]

http://www.murderize.com/Editorials/Headbutt/texas/images/dubya.jpg
Every state holds itself as great in some respect and the citizens hold dear the loving pride they have for their particular slice of the American landscape. However one state stands alone as being the most passionate in its patriotic dedication, this state of course is Texas. There is no denying that Texans love Texas. You can't go a single block in Texas without seeing at least one building proudly flying the Texas flag. In fact the only flag or symbol that even comes close to rivaling the Texas state flag in popularity is perhaps the confederate one.

Everything is bigger in Texas and that includes annoying patriotism, wrongful prison executions, and losing sports teams. How exactly did the Dallas Cowboys earn the incongruous title of 'America's team' anyway? What a big fat steaming heap of stacked cow patties, (yeehaw). Texans love football. Professional, college, and high school, it's all big business in Texas… why?

Ahh good ol' Texas, you gotta love it though; oil derricks to the left longhorn cattle to the right and some redneck's truck blaring twangy country noise passing me up the middle. 'Drive friendly the Texas way' is what the highway signs tell me, well f*k that, I'll drive the American way!

Like most states Texas comes with its own sultry cuisine flavor. The most celebrated of the unique Texan vittals is perhaps the aptly named Tex-Mex BBQ, which makes up roughly 70% of the restaurants in Texas. Recipe for Tex-Mex: take Mexican food, add ribs, pour on a sh*tload of BBQ sauce, and lastly take away any trace of fruit or vegetables… and we wonder why Americans are having so many heart attacks. Basically if a food is named after Texas it tastes awful, included is any beer from Texas especially 'Lone Star Beer', which when consumed orally tastes like liquid cardboard.

Now other states have food named after them because they are grown there such as a Georgia peach, or made famous there like a Philly cheese steak, oh but not Texas. Texas has the audacity to name one of the most simplistic foods after itself, toast. Texas toast, as it is most often called, is toast served with lunch or dinner and usually larger in size and density then regular toast. This of course because its Texas sized Texas toast, ya gotta remember everything is bigger in Texas… Its f*ing toast damn it, how can a state claim the right to toast?

The oddly shaped mass of statehood, which is chiseled onto many of its citizens belt buckles (got to have something sticking out down there), perhaps makes its greatest contribution to America by producing stupid presidents. Now all of America shall feel the wrath of Dubya upon them. Soon recession will set in and Dubya will try to deport all illegal immigrants, muahahaha, f*k you American public, he's the entire nation's problem now.

[ 04-12-2003, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: Meerkat ]

[stan v]

Mr D, where's the outrage?

[Meerkat]

http://www.pearyperry.com/images/j0125293[1].jpg

Often I truly amaze myself with my inventive concepts for making money. While I don’t profess to be in the same league with say, Bill Gates, I do think that every once in a while I think up a new and novel approach to the promotion of free enterprise that might be of interest to those of you who take the time to read this column. If I can pass along something which may prove of interest to you as well as improve your lives, then my job is done and your success is all the thanks I need to keep on going. The idea for this week needs to be considered with a completely open mind. You must think of all of the possibilities before just dismissing this approach out of hand. Here it is…Texas Gerbil Ranching.

Now, it came to me that there are probably thousands upon thousands of folks throughout the world who would just jump at the chance to brag and say they had a ranch in Texas with a 5000 head spread. Bear with me here….What if we put together some one-acre lots and sold Gerbil Ranches complete with your own starter herd of 4500 heifer gerbils and 500 bull gerbils? I think 500 stud gerbils would be sufficient for 4500 heifers, but if you think that’s too few or too many, I’d appreciate your input into this. I may need a couple of gerbil consultants, so get those resumes to me as quickly as possible since I think this idea is going to catch on like wildfire.

Just imagine this for some advertising copy…”Picture yourself, early in the morning, standing on your front porch, having a cup of hot steaming coffee looking out over your very own herd of prize Texas Gerbils. Think of the pride you’ll feel as you watch your spread move from pasture to pasture as they graze throughout the day.” Gerbils do graze don’t they? I also am in need of someone who knows how to feed and take care of these critters. The way I see it a whole new cottage industry could spring up to provide support for the ranches. You’d need little branding irons. Can’t afford to let your stock mix in with your neighbors can you, might provoke a range war. Then folks would be needed to supply fencing. At this time I foresee fencing might be 1x12-shelving material, which we enclose around the corral area.

Of course, we have to consider what we would want to do with the gerbil stock once the herd starts to increase. At this time, we don’t have any information on the nutritional aspects of gerbil meat, so we have opted to focus on the wool industry. We estimate that each gerbil can be sheared at least 2 times each year and the prime gerbil wool spun into material, which would be used for sweaters and other pieces of clothing. We anticipate having annual events tentatively called Gerbil-Fests, which might have shearing contests as well as crafts and vendor booths selling gerbil products. These would be patterned along the lines of those sheep shearing contests you see in Australia. Ours would be somewhat different, but I think you get the idea. A lot of thought has to go into the development of the bull-breeding program.

We certainly want to start the program off with our standards as high as possible. Only prize bull gerbil stock would be eligible for inclusion in our sales efforts. We certainly would not stoop to selling or promoting inferior breeding animals. I think it would be in everyone’s interests to keep the breeding bloodlines as pure as possible. I expect that we would have about a one-year window of opportunity in this venture before competition started in other areas such as hamster farms. My idea is that we offset some of the expected revenue downturn by training some of our more ferocious stock into attack gerbils. These would have great marketability in today’ security conscious environment. The whole idea just boggles your mind doesn’t it? That’s what my wife said when I explained this new idea to her…”Sometimes your mind seems boggled.” Or something to that effect.Now we know where stan came from - the attack gerbil program. :D

[ 04-12-2003, 07:18 AM: Message edited by: Meerkat ]

[stan v]

HEHEHEHE. Man, are we pushing the liberals over the edge, or what? EEEK!, it's not gonna get any better for you, for a long, long, loooooong time. Probably not in your lifetime. How long do rodents live? :D :D

[LeeG]

not bad Stan,, good soldiers get shredded in random moments. poignant. you have a nack for pushing buttons. Me thinks that behaviour wouldn't last when the poop flies.

[stan v]

You wouldn't be around if the poop was flying.

[LeeG]

you're somewhat right,,without training I tend to freeze up when I'm taken too far out of my comfort zone. With training I can keep grinding. I don't have the benefit of military training as you have but have enough life experiences to see where I've do well and where I'm not up to a task.
But the fact that you choose to play with poop is a whole other topic. take care Stan, life is short as your joke implies.