View Full Version : Australia -- the only place to live

Mike Field
12-05-2002, 10:16 PM

We, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas, and the occasional, ah, Indigenous Australian. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. This is where Skuthorp and I come from. Victoria is the realm of cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable." At least that's what we think. The rest of Oz think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's New South Wales, Tony H's state, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly, and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners, bizarre axe murders, and Doorstop. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide? They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide (also named after a queen) sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. Its main claim to fame is that it's where Dingo comes from. Its other claim is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of them still work there in the government and as house-builders.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, cattle stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland, home to the Ledgers, er, Hedgers. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why He mostly filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra in its own little state, the Australian Capital Territory. Canberra is to where we banish all our national pollies and their bureaucrats. The less said about Canberra the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highway 1, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise that we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal parliament while bloody Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our English immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide?) We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, Aussie Rules, rugby, roo-shooting, two-up, and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines, and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the bloody Kiwis.

(Edited to include minor modifications in the light of sensibilities expressed below by the Western Australian contingent.)

[ 12-07-2002, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: Mike Field ]

On Vacation
12-05-2002, 10:23 PM
And I like every diverse creature of every area that I have been able to translate every other word of your language into normal speech right here in our part of the world. Don't change , just learn how to speak properly and spell flamin' with a "G" :D

12-05-2002, 10:24 PM

12-05-2002, 10:26 PM
Is it true, that in "Ozzie rules" football, the REf bites the head off a live bat to start the game instead of blowing a whistle?

John B
12-05-2002, 10:51 PM
Geez Mike, quiet as a church mouse for weeks on end and then .... let fly. Whoa. :D
Ps I'd get offended about the Kiwi remark but I know you're trolling. Har.

I tell you what though mate. I wish I could send you some of this rain that just started. It's traction control weather here.It's persisting down. Bloody Australian cars. Why'd they put an American motor in em anyway.

[ 12-05-2002, 10:52 PM: Message edited by: John B ]

12-06-2002, 12:07 AM
StrewthFieldyoubloodymongrelyou, you'repretty flamin'gameforsomeonewho'sgoingtoakshallystay withabizarreaxemurdereronyawaytothebestlittlewoode nboatfestivalinnaworld!

Wild Dingo
12-06-2002, 12:50 AM
Flamin stone the flamin crows Mike!! Talk about set the world on fire mate!

Now all thats good an fine but mate I will take you to task on several fronts...

1) in regard to Queensland... you forgot to mention its the place that supposedly has the biggest narnas, supposedly the best beaches {yeah right!} and of course is the location of those legends of Aussie boatbuilding... the Ledgers!! {flamin eck its been so long since I saw them post anything Im wondering if I got that right!! :eek: } gawdbloodyblimeymate!! poor ol Bernadette and David must be feelin left out somethin shockin!! :eek:

2) a matter of word usage old mate... now not to be flamin pedantic here ol sock but I mean "boong"???... HoleyflamindooleyMike!!... ****E!!... I thought we had come a bit further along than callin us "boongs!" lets throw out "coons" "blacks" "abos" and for the women shall we again start calling them "gins" and "black velvet"?... why not?... Just words yer reckon?... F*** that ****e!... I thought better of you mate... You know the Yanks have laws against the "N" word dont you? we also have laws against racial vilification dont you?... christallflaminmighty!!.... sorry but that crap really seriously p***** me off! and really I honestly thought better off you mate... joke or no joke thats just flamin crass and for me at least it spoilt the whole thing and I know of at least on Koori that comes on this board so no doubt it would have got up his flamin nose too! take it out mate!

Now... all that aside its fairly accurate... if we can just teach these flamin ruddy septic tanks poms and others to talk Aussie we would be right!

Take it easy

[ 12-06-2002, 02:05 AM: Message edited by: Wild Dingo ]

12-06-2002, 12:55 AM
You forgot all the critters out to kill you, a railroad laid on sand, some of the evilest hotdogs (sausages) known to man, 'roo guards, Paul Hogan and Mel Gibson! ;)

12-06-2002, 12:58 AM
Dingo we don't have a law against the N word per se, but if you use it in the wrong place, you're likely to get pounded into a damp spot in the dirt. OTOH, African-Americans use it among themselves all the time and put it into music that pink folk dare not sing along to ;)

Wild Dingo
12-06-2002, 02:02 AM
mmm no worries mate I sorta thought it had become a legal matter the word usage ove there... never mind its just one word that really gets up my nose... history in it... my own growing up and some painful memories associated with certain authoritarian people using it in a derogatory manner to myself and people I love... negative connotations I guess.

As I said maybe Im bein pedantic but still that one word gets my flamin blood flowin... cant bloody abide it!

I know Mike didnt mean anything by it hes a great fella... mmmmmmmm aaahhhh buggar it enough to worry about without worryin over a couple of words...

Take it easy

Mike Field
12-06-2002, 07:17 AM
No-one could accuse me of being authoritarian, Dingo. One hopes that you'll find less fault with the newly-edited version.

Ah, JohnB. Sprung again, was I, trolling for trolls? By the way, don't wish your rain on us -- that's our rain you've been getting ,,,,

Meerkat, I forgot Iain Oughtred too. But I don't reckon any of those guys count as dinky-di, ridgy-didge, fair dinkum Aussies any more.

Mrleft8, no, that's not true about the bat. We're tough, but not that tough. What the umpie does do to get the game under way is to bounce a live echidna in the centre of the ground. The ruckman who's successful in punching it away with a closed fist before it bounces a second time gets a free kick.

gunnar I am
12-06-2002, 08:00 AM
Too,too funny! Erections on the bus,LOL. :D Have any of you Aussies read Bill Brysons"In a Sunburned Country"? I loved it,read it twice, so far.Be interested in your thoghts on its accuracy. Title from the poem"In a Sunburnt Country". I believe highway one is as straight as Dan Quayle ,is it not and you left out the thing Yanks love most to hear about. Box jellyfish.

12-06-2002, 08:42 AM
Box jellyfish? (I've heard of box lunches....But box jellyfish is just DISGUSTING!)

Wild Dingo
12-06-2002, 09:11 AM
ahhh well done mate! gotta admit thats one word that gets me goin badly...

Now aussie rules? flamin galahs game!! I mean not only do the flamin umps bounce an echidna and the ruckmen have to punch it away to get a free kick but the blighters actually kick a wombat! The worse thing is when the flamin roos and emus see fellas playin it... cripes mates the flamin things go bloody chokers over it!! a fellas gotta be a mug to play that game!!

Box jellyfish oh thats them things we mix with hot water and stick in a bowl in the fridge for a few hours then spice em up when theyre wobbly with a few honey ants and bungarra droppins exaflaminment! no worries!!

Meerkat mate we dont got no Paul Hogans or Mel Gibsons we threw em out and sent em packin to yous fellas and were doin it with that SteveflaminIrwin galah too by Crickey!!!

roo guards?... oh you mean the flamin great bullbars we sticks on the front of our Landrovers and Landcruisers for when were drivin along and the roos and bullocks come out and attack us we can just bowl em over makes for real tender roadkill!!... or those prissy little roobars some posers whack on their panel vans in the hope of knockin over some sheila and tossin em in the back for a bit of scrub bashin???

Well Gunnar Highway 1 from Norseman in West Aussie to Ceduna in South Aussie is as straight and as boring as you can get! goes on and flamin on and on and flamin on forflaminever!!... but over east the road builders went on a bender cause they couldnt believe their luck on how many flamin pubs were there so it tends to wobble and womble around a fair bit but dont sweat it gets straight again in the Territory and back down our lovely sunburnt coast...

Americans Ive decided simply LOVE US!! and I mean who wouldnt??? huh?? I mean with what Mikes writen who couldnt wouldnt and shouldnt love us fellas??? were all that and flamin modest to :D :D

Take it easy

[ 12-06-2002, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: Wild Dingo ]

12-06-2002, 09:34 AM
Shane, perhaps you wouldn't mind indulging a few Yanks with a rudimentary Aussie dictionary?

For example, "OOOh Flamin ek"?

:D :D :D

[ 12-06-2002, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: Michael ]

12-06-2002, 09:49 AM
Found this last night. Let's see how our friends from OZ like it. :D


Scott Rosen
12-06-2002, 10:10 AM
Mike, OZ sounds a lot like the US. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. ;)

Wild Dingo
12-06-2002, 11:32 AM
Flamin eck Jack!!! Bloody ell wouldyerlookitthis!!

you are a Dingo : you are a cunning bad person

Cripes mates the buggars callin me a bad person??? :eek: Who the flamin ell does this puddin waker think he is??? HUH??? Come on yer yobbo getouereanI'llbeatyereadinsport!! :mad:

actually for Queenslanders they got it mostly right... sometimes I wonder about them fellas :rolleyes:

I mean a good lurk??? whassat?? oh maybe these galahs mean a good lark? who knows what them fellas are on about half the flamin time they have no idea themselves!!

Good one Jack! :cool:

Take it easy

She the one Who looks like he needs a new identity :(

Ian G Wright
12-06-2002, 02:56 PM
Ah yes, Australia,,,,,,,,,,
whose national hero is an Irish horse thief who thought that if he kept his head in a bucket it made his legs bullet proof.
Where if a man has to choose between his wife and his mate will pick his mate every time, but ask him to choose between his mate and his mates wife,,,,,?
Australia,,,,,, Texas without the oil or the culture, but bigger.


12-06-2002, 04:27 PM
Hmmm... I wonder if we could trade Texas for Australia...

12-06-2002, 04:32 PM
You might notice that none of those 'stralians have defended their hotdogs (sausages). Knowing what goes in ours (lips, cheeks, sphincters and gronicles), it's hard to imagine how they can find even less savory parts, but they seem to have. On top of that, they dye them a BRIGHT red/pink color!

Mike H.
12-06-2002, 04:51 PM
Puddin waker?????????? Wuzat? :confused:

Memphis Mike
12-06-2002, 04:53 PM
Damn! She did it to me again. :mad:

ken mcclure
12-06-2002, 05:19 PM
Sounds like home, Mike. I'll call you for travel directions when SWMBO throws me out.

Wild Dingo
12-06-2002, 07:16 PM
aaaahhhhh sorry there Sue I was a tad on the charged up side... whats a puddin waker... mmmmmm how to mutter this delicatly??.... gawd strike me rome!!!... well... mmmmmm eeerrrr a fellas whatsits gets called a puddin at times and what he does when hes lonely and blue is called a w... aaaaaaaahhhhhhh ****e! damned if I know how to say it nicely!!!... eeeeerrrr a waker... you know aaaahhhhh geeez playin with mrs palmer and her daughters?... playin bowls on the palmers lawn?... throttlin the cheeze sausage?.... :eek: :rolleyes:

Damn flamin eck!!!... I will leave it to yer imagination cause Im buggared if I can work out how best to say it so's yous fellas unnerstan me without bein really crass!!! damn yous fellas an sheilas just gotta learn Aussie!!! tongue.gif

Take it easy

Gary Bergman
12-06-2002, 08:37 PM
but, i looked at the globe, and you guys is upside down,mates! how dya keep the boats from fallin' outta the water? :confused:

Memphis Mike
12-06-2002, 08:42 PM
Originally posted by Gary Bergman:
but, i looked at the globe, and you guys is upside down,mates! how dya keep the boats from fallin' outta the water? :confused: Must be the opposite force generated from
all that puddin wakin. :D

Wild Dingo
12-06-2002, 09:06 PM
ROFLMAO!!! Gawd I forgot the flamin ruddy splatter shield Mike!!! :D :D


Take it easy

Mike Field
12-06-2002, 09:56 PM
Jack, there's quite a good Strine dictionary at --


And as a bonus, they've got the words to our National Anthem there too.

12-06-2002, 11:02 PM
OK, Here it is translated to something recognizable:

AUSTRALIA -- THE ONLY PLACE TO LIVE We, th' varmints of th' broad brown lan' of Oz, wish t'be reckanized as a free nashun of blokes, sheilas, an' th' occashunal, er, indijunous Aestralian, as enny fool kin plainly see. We come fum menny lan's (although a few too menny of us come fum Noo Zealan') an', although we live in th' bess country in th' wo'ld, we resarve th' right t'bitch an' moan about it whenevah we bloody like. We is One Nashun but we is divided into menny States. Fust, thar's Vicko'ia, named af'er a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. This hyar is whar Skutho'p an' ah come fum. Vicko'ia is th' realm of cafe latte, gran' final day, an' trimenjus houn'dog races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketin' pitch is thet it's "livable." At least thass whut we reckon. Th' ress of Oz reckon it is too bloody cold an' wet. Next, thar's Noo South Wales, Chattanooga H's state, th' realm of pastel sho'ts, macchiato wif sugar, skimpy books read quickly, an' millions of dancin' queens. Its capital, Sydney, has mo'e queens than enny other city in th' wo'ld, an' is proud of it. Its mascots is Bondi lifesavahs who pull their Speedos up their cracks t'keep th' lef' an' right sides of their brains separeete. Down south we haf Tasmania, a State based on th' noshun thet th' fambly thet bonks togither stays togither. In Tassie, ev'ryone gits an extry chromosome at corncepshun. Maps of th' State brin' smiles t'th' sterness faces. It holds th' wo'ld reco'd fo' a sin'le mass shootin', which th' Yanks kin't seem t'beat no matter how offen they try. South Aestralia is th' province of ha'f-decent reds, a festival of fo'eigners, bizarre axe murders, an' Dorestop. SA is th' state of innovashun. Whar else kin yo' so effeckively reuse country bank vaults an' barrels as in Snowtown, jest outta Adelaide? They had th' Gran' Prix, but lost it when th' views of Adelaide (also named af'er a queen) sent th' Fo'mula One drivahs t'sleep at th' wheel, ah reckon. Western Aestralia is too far fum ennywhar t'be relevant in this hyar docoomnt. Its main claim t'fame is thet it's whar Din'o comes fum. Its other claim is thet it don't haf daylight savin' on account o' eff'n it did all th' men'd git ereckshuns on th' bus on th' way t'wawk. WA was th' last state t'stop impo'tin' cornvicks, an' menny of them still wawk thar in th' govment an' as house-builders. Th' No'thern Territo'y is th' red heart of our lan'. Outback plains, cattle stashuns th' size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emoos, Uluru, an' desty kids wif trimenjus smiles. It also has th' highess beer cornsumpshun of ennywhar on th' planet, an' its creek beds haf th' highess aluminium corntent of ennywhar too. Although th' Territo'y is th' centrepiece of our nashunal culture, few of us live thar an' th' ress prefer t'fly on over it on our way t'Bali. An' thar's Queenslan'. While enny menshun of God seems silly in a docoomnt definin' a nashun of ha'f-arsed agnostics, it is wo'th notin' thet God probably made Queenslan'. Whuffo' He filled it wif dickhaids remains a mahstery (th' Hedgers 'cepted, of course.) Oh yessuh, an' thar's Kinberra in its own li'l state, th' Aestralian Capital Territo'y. Kinberra is t'whar we banish all our nashunal pollies an' their bureaucrats. Th' less said about Kinberra th' better. We, th' citizens of Oz, is united by Highway 1, whose tretcherous twists an' turns kill mo'e of us etch year than die by murder. We is united in our lest fo' internashunal recognishun, so desperate fo' praise thet we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of co'rupp IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijin'. We is united by a democracy so flawed thet a political party, albeit a redneck gun-totin' one, kin git a million votes an' still not win one seat in Federal parliament while bloody Brian Harradine kin git 24,000 votes an' helter-skelter th' whole country. Not thet we is whingiin', we leave thet t'our English immigrants. We're hankerin' t'make "no wo'ries mate" our nashunal phrase, "she'll be right mate" our nashunal attitude, an' "Waltzin' Matilda" our nashunal anthem, dawgone it. (So whut eff'n it's about a houn'dog-stealin' crim who commits sueycide?) We love spo't so much our noosreaders kin read th' death toll fum a sailin' race an' still tell us who's winnin' in th' same breath. An' we is th' bess in th' wo'ld at all th' spo'ts thet count, like cricket, netball, Aussie Rules, rugby, roo-shootin', two-up, an' houn'dog racin'. We also haf th' mos' trimenjus rock, th' tastiess pies, th' blackess aborigeenes, an' th' wo'st-dressed Olympians in th' known unyverse. We shoot, we root, we vote. We is girt by sea an' pissed as a weasel in a blender by lunchtime. An' even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, spo'ts-obsessed li'l varmints, at least we is better than th' bloody Kiwis.

Gary Bergman
12-06-2002, 11:06 PM
mike,didya mean the exhaust stroke?

gunnar I am
12-06-2002, 11:12 PM
Now what's wrong with this picture? The guy from Ca. whose probably in Codineville is coherent an the guy up in Maine sounds like he ain't got both his oars in the water? :D :D

12-06-2002, 11:14 PM
Gunnar I yam, I'se jes try'in t' Hep...

Mike Field
12-07-2002, 07:05 AM
You're welcome any time, Ken. Just make sure you bring your little one so she and Carina can play together.

12-07-2002, 08:10 AM
Once crewed in a race out of Singapore as a foredeck hand. Couldn't understand a word the helmsman shouted to us. Luckily I was sharing the deck with another Aussie ex-pat who translated for me.

Old Bob on the Beach in Oregon

Memphis Mike
12-07-2002, 08:44 AM
Originally posted by gunnar i am:
Now what's wrong with this picture? The guy from Ca. whose probably in Codineville is coherent an the guy up in Maine sounds like he ain't got both his oars in the water? :D :D And the one in NY wears wood clamps on his
head and looks like Radar.

Gary Bergman
12-08-2002, 12:13 PM
The guy from Ca. ain't in codieneville anymore! Read the healthcare thread, I'm busy loadin' my mini! the 55 grain hollow points are really fun... :mad:

[ 12-08-2002, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: Gary Bergman ]

J. Dillon
12-08-2002, 01:04 PM

Since Hughman mentioned New Zealand, I was wondering if anybody knows if the R.Tucker Thomson is still around ?

I once sailed on her to Tonga out of Russel North Island NZ with a lay over at the Kermadeck Islands. What a wild bunch there in total isolation for a year on an Island infested with RATS. They had some stories to tell. Tonga was a great plaace to visit passed Tofua in the early morning hours ( first visit of Bligh and his castaways after the munity)

I did manage to get a shot which turned out to be the cover of "Ocean Navigator magazine". The Thomson was a top sail schooner hand made out of steel by skipper and son.


In the Image Capt.Thomson takes a noon observation.


John B
12-08-2002, 03:06 PM
I assume that it is JD. It usually resides in the Bay Of Islands about 120 nm north of Auckland( where I am) There was some talk about her perhaps going to be sold a year or so ago and of course she has a habit of lighting out for far ports from time to time.

Wild Wassa
12-08-2002, 03:23 PM
Really, you don't want to know about Australia, honestly, you wouldn't like it, properly. You will only be eaten if you visit. If you are a Pom, it will be sharks again, If your a Yank, expect a crock.

Tourists, it's best to all stay at home, I think, ... and leave the place to those who can handle it. Tourist's only get eaten (record figures from deaths to tourists this year, crocks and sharks). Since the drop in tourism, this place has been even better, although the animals are getting hungry.


ps, If you are going to be eaten, stay at home and be eaten by your own wildlife, please. Another Yank is tucker, again, although the Guide will be charged with negligence (this time) for not having adequate control over a 10 metre wild crock. If it was up to me I would have the tourist charged with commiting suicide. Maybe the tourist thought the sign said "Crockodilliacs" (a clothing brand).

[ 12-08-2002, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: Wild Wassa ]

12-08-2002, 04:48 PM
I would have replied to this long ago Mike, but I got got stuck trying to put on a one holed jumper, while tending my extra Chromosome.

The Tasmanian defence: We are not really part of Australia at all, but part of New Zealand. As such, we rely on the words of Piggy Muldoon, who first observed that the mass emigration from New Zealand (and we say, Tasmania)to Australia is a GOOD THING- raises the average IQ of both nations.

Mike Field
12-08-2002, 06:51 PM
:D :D :D