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bud
09-16-2002, 10:27 AM
Posted on Sun, Sep. 08, 2002

Arrrrr! Talk like a pirate -- or prepare to be boarded
DAVE BARRY

Every now and then,

some visionary individuals come along with a concept that is so original and so revolutionary that your immediate reaction is: ``Those individuals should be on medication.''

Today I want to tell you about two such people, John Baur and Mark Summers, who have come up with a concept that is going to make you kick yourself for not thinking of it first: Talk Like a Pirate Day. As the name suggests, this is a day on which everybody would talk like a pirate. Is that a great idea, or what? There are so many practical benefits that I can't even begin to list them all.

Baur and Summers came up with this idea a few years ago. They were playing racquetball, and, as so often happens, they began talking like pirates. And then it struck them: Why not have a day when EVERYBODY talks like a pirate? They decided that the logical day would be Sept. 19, because that -- as you are no doubt aware - - is Summers' ex-wife's birthday.

Since then, Baur and Summers have made a near-superhuman effort to promote Talk Like a Pirate Day. As Baur puts it: ``We've talked like pirates, and encouraged our several friends to, every Sept. 19, except for a couple where we forgot.''

And yet, incredibly, despite this well-orchestrated campaign, the nation has turned a deaf shoulder to Talk Like a Pirate Day. In desperation, Baur and Summers turned to me for help. As an influential newspaper columnist, I have the power to ''make or break'' a national day. You may recall that almost nobody celebrated Thanksgiving until I began writing about it in the 1970s.

I have given Baur's and Summers' idea serious thought, looking for ways to improve it. One variation I considered was Talk Like a Member of the Lollipop Guild Day, on which everybody would talk like the three Munchkins in the film version of The Wizard of Oz who welcome Dorothy to Munchkin Land by singing with one corner of their mouths drooping down, as though they have large invisible dental suction devices hanging from their lips. But I realized that would be stupid.

So I have decided to throw my full support behind Talk Like a Pirate Day, to be observed this Sept. 19. To help promote this important cause, I have decided to seek the endorsement of famous celebrities, and I am pleased to report that, as of today, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, Oprah Winfrey, the Osbournes, Tiger Woods, Ted Koppel, the Sopranos, Puff Doody and the late Elvis Presley are all people who I hope will read this column and become big supporters. I see no need to recruit President Bush, because he already talks like a pirate, as we can see from this transcript of a recent White House press conference:

REPORTER: Could you please explain either your foreign or your domestic policy?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Arrrrr.

To prepare for Talk Like a Pirate Day, you should practice incorporating pirate terminology into your everyday speech. For example, let's consider a typical conversation between two co- workers in a business office:

BOB: Hi. Mary.

MARY: Hi, Bob. Have you had a chance to look at the Fennerman contract?

BOB: Yes, and I have some suggestions.

MARY: OK, I'll review them.

Now let's see how this same conversation would sound on Talk Like a Pirate Day:

BOB: Avast, me beauty.

MARY: Avast, Bob. Is that a yardarm in your doubloons, or are you just glad to see me?

BOB: You are giving me the desire to haul some keel.

MARY: Arrrrr.

As you can see, talking like a pirate will infuse your everyday conversations with romance and danger. So join the movement! On Sept. 19, do not answer the phone with ''hello.'' Answer the phone with ''Ahoy me hearty!'' If the caller objects that he is not a hearty, inform him that he is a scurvy dog (or, if the caller is female, a scurvy female dog) who will be walking the plank off the poop deck and winding up in Davy Jones' locker, sleeping with the fishes. No, wait, that would be Talk Like a Pirate in The Godfather Day, which is another variation I considered (``I'm gonna make him an offer that will shiver his timbers'').

But the point is, this is a great idea, and you, me bucko, should be part of it. Join us on Sept. 19. You HAVE the buckles, darn it: Don't be afraid to swash them! Let's make this into a grass-roots movement that sweeps the nation, like campaign-finance reform, or Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I truly think this idea could bring us, as a nation, closer together.

But not TOO much closer. Some of us will have swords.

Greg H
09-16-2002, 10:36 AM
Arrr, me pretties, I'l1 second that. Grease my que special for ya I will.

Jim H
09-16-2002, 10:45 AM
Shiver me timbers!

Ian McColgin
09-16-2002, 10:45 AM
There is a food company that includes pirate jokes - forgot the name.

Such greats as:

What's the eighteenth letter of the pirate alphabet?

What lines did the bad pirate kid have to write 500 times on the blackboard?
"Pilliage, plunder, THEN burn.
Pilliage, plunder, THEN burn . . ."

What is the sound of one pirate clapping?
"Ouch. Ouch. Ouch"

Wild Dingo
09-16-2002, 01:00 PM
Ive actually been in a bit of bliss country lately well for an hour on Sundays anyways... one of the local idiot box's channels over here have been showing old movies...

Joshua me little shipmate was watching the drongo box two weeks ago and yells out at the top of his little 7 year old voice... "DADDA GET IN ERE!! Theres boats ere!! DADA THEYRE REALLY REALLY BIG BOATS!!" so I wander in and sure enough theres big old boats on the box in the corner...old brigatines and such... movie was "Christopher Columbus" with Fredrick March!! talk about an oldie!!...

Then Aaron yells out on this Sunday just gone "Better get your butt in ere dadda the old boats are on again!!" so all three of us sat down in seventh heaven and drooled our brains out as we watched "The Sea Hawks" with Errol Flynn... talk about seventh heaven... man was it the finest kind!! :cool:

The girls all took off somewhare or other as the aaarrggg me hearties! hoist the topsl ye swabs! Aye Aye capn birdseye! keelaul im capn! started flowin from the three messes on the couch...

Cant wait to see what next weeks movie is!!

Actually heres a thought... whatever happened to all them old boats they used to build for the old movies are they still floating around? was wondering as I recall reading somewhere or other that they actually built or bought actual working vessels back then for the movies... no computer enhanced graphics such as the Titanic one back then by gar!! ;)

Take it easy
Shane

John of Phoenix
09-16-2002, 02:53 PM
I honestly don't know who's funnier, Barry or Dingo. :D

bud
09-16-2002, 06:12 PM
Originally posted by Ironmule:
Does anyone have any idea what Captain Hook's name was in Peter Pan before the crocodile bit off his hand? :confused: Inquiring minds want to know. :D Uh, Captain Hand? :confused:

Ross Faneuf
09-16-2002, 09:03 PM
Wrong by an 's'; Captain Hands...

John B
09-17-2002, 12:21 AM
Captain Steve Irwin is my bet.

Course you couldn't get away with a plain old Cap'n Hook today.

Captain Prostheticallyenhanced.
Captain Biomechanicalservo.....

rbgarr
09-17-2002, 01:36 PM
Every day is 'Talk like a Pirate Day' in our house, and I got a kick out of Barry's piece, too.
My wife and kids are so tired of explaining our e-mail name: rbgarr (as in 'Arrbegarr, me mateys!!') was a spur of the moment choice on my part when I signed up. An ancestor of mine was Capt. Thomas Tew of Rhode Island, and our adopted 'private signal' is his flag.

I guess we shouldn't romanticize criminals and terrorists in this day and age, but what the hell....

Dave Tew (not Roger or 'rb' or Mr. Garr... but who knew?)

[ 09-17-2002, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: rbgarr ]

paladin
09-17-2002, 01:44 PM
"fifteen men on a dead man's chest..
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of........Pepsi? tongue.gif

Gary Bergman
09-17-2002, 02:37 PM
Nothing terroristic about inventing workers compensation, equality,etc.

Cecil Nickerson
09-17-2002, 04:22 PM
This one of my all-time favourites and appropo for National Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Sail with me and I will make you fortune
Whether it be women or gold
A tall ship riding upon the Gulf Stream water
The hurricane has blown me so far from home
I fly the flag of southern Carthagena
All the Spanish boats fair game
The days are hot and the nightís filled with singing
Women in the moonlight dancin away

Down in Cote Blanche Bay
Down in Cote Blanche Bay

All the creole ladies call him Bebe
The renegades call him Capitaine
But things were never the same south of New Orleans
Ever since the Americans came

Down in Cote Blanche Bay
Down in Cote Blanche Bay

Too many women
To much drinkin
I canít sleep at night
If only I could stop thinkin
If only I could hold you tight

Down in Cote Blanche Bay
Down in Cote Blanche Bay

Whatís a pirate to do when his sea legs get rusty
When all the wind has left his sail
Iím going down south to where no one can find me
Sleeping on the beach with a dock side girl

Down in Cote Blanche Bay
Down in Cote Blanche Bay
Down in Cote Blanche Bay
Down in Cote Blanche Bay
Down in Cote Blanche Bay

ó Zachary Richard, Cote Blanche Bay from the Snakebite Love disc
*

rkrough
09-19-2003, 07:36 AM
arrgh, yee scurrvy dogs! it is talk like a bleedin pirate day again

Mrleft8
09-19-2003, 07:58 AM
GARRRGH!

Keith Wilson
09-19-2003, 08:27 AM
FETCH AFT THE RUM, DARBY!!
FETCH AFT THE RUM, DARBY!!

(Captain Flint's last words)

Don Olney
09-19-2003, 08:40 AM
FETCH AFT THE RUM, DARBY McGRAW!!!

WWheeler
09-19-2003, 10:52 AM
Got in the mind in the mood, saw Pirates of the Caribbean last weekend. Arrr now there's a tale to shiver your timbers. Plenty of talk of Davey Jones' locker, avast and belay. And it has the best line of the year: "the pirates' code, well they're more like guidelines".

Joe (SoCal)
09-19-2003, 11:52 AM
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRG

oldriverat
09-19-2003, 11:59 AM
Originally posted by Gary Bergman:
Nothing terroristic about inventing workers compensation, equality,etc.I kinda like the idea of modern day pirates myself.

Popeye
09-19-2003, 12:38 PM
Captain Highliner: "Have you ever been to sea, Billy?"

Billy: "No Sir, but I have been blown ashore many times!"

ishmael
09-19-2003, 12:47 PM
Mike,

Read John Mcphee's Looking for a Ship , and tell me you like pirates. On his sojourn they were boarded several times. The MO(moving ships mind ya) was to grapnel, shinny, raid a few containers and be gone. Armed. Stopping them with arms gets people shot.

I admire enterprise, but these folks are parasites--dangerous parasites.

And there is more than the occasional tale of a yacht hijacked and the crew killed, for a one time drug run. Think again, we aren't talking a swashbuckle.

Shang
09-19-2003, 09:21 PM
"Arrrgh, sailor...what's thu matter, yu got a weak stomach...?"

"No, sir, I'm throwing it as far as everybody else!"