View Full Version : Recipes From Hell...

04-15-2004, 03:32 PM
This grew out of a discussion some of us were having,
and now we're trying to assemble enough of these to make a book.

The topic of the discussion was, Things You Have Been Served Which Were Practically Inedible.
The cook may have ment well, but the result was gawd-awful! You may have been able to choke some down to be polite, but only starvation would have tempted you to finish what was on your plate.

Would you care to list some you've been faced with, and make an educated guess about how they were prepared? We'd be happy to put yours in the proposed book, with your name, if you want to be identified.
The recipes have to be something you were really served!
You can't make up goofy things like Linoleum Popovers.

Here are a couple we've already collected:

Black-laced Eggs:
Heat an iron skillet to near red-heat.
Crack an egg and drop it into the skillet from about three feet up.
When the egg hits the skillet the egg white splatters out into messy lace-like tendrils which quickly burn black.
Scrape the whole mess up and put it on a plate, being sure that the burned strings get into everything.
The yolk is usually broken, but still raw.

Cold Mashed Potato Sandwiches:
Reserve last night's mashed potatoes in the refrigerator.
Liberally spread mashed potatoes on a slice of white bread.
Be sure not to add anything which might improve the flavor of the potatoes nor the bread.
Place a second slice of white bread on top, and compress the sandwich on the counter top using the heel of your hand.
Serve by handing the sandwich to the guest without a plate.

The Chili of Death:
(This recipe is still legend among the survivors of Boy Scout Troop 42.)
Prepare a large quantity of chili, enough for a church supper.
Place the left overs for several weeks in freezer which is set at Absolute Zero.
Remove the chili from the freezer several minutes before meal time, and attempt to thaw it by turning and scraping it in a hot sauce pan over an open fire.
Break the still-frozen chili into chunks and serve. It will resemble chili-sicles rescued from a crematorium.

Chris Coose
04-15-2004, 03:48 PM
Anything/everything my mother-in-laws cooked.

Both of their daughters turned out to be unbelieveable cooks, who've insisted on using the finest organic ingredients even before it was chic.

I probably owe my life to these women, indicating I must have had this subconscious desire to live.

On my own I eat like an 8 year old.

04-15-2004, 03:55 PM
Boat Cakes! (Best served on a cold, wet NW morning while anchored in the swell off Cattle Point, San Juan Island.)

In a flat pan mix boxed pancake batter, an egg, and what seems like the right amount of water until wet but lumpy. Pour out as pancakes onto a too hot griddle/skillet. After burning the down side, flip for a short period of time, then eat.

Proper "boat cakes" have a burned exterior and wet, lumpy interior of slightly disgusting consistency. Enjoy! :D And remember the rolling swell... :eek: :(

Andrew Craig-Bennett
04-15-2004, 03:56 PM
Things I have eaten , with evident relish so far as my hosts were concerned, but that I would very much prefer never to see on a table in front of me again, ever!

Deep fried scorpion.(China)

Deep fried organ of bull yak.(North China)

Live crayfish sashimi.(Japan, also China)

Chicken feet in slimy sauce.(South China)

Anything involving sea cucumber.(South China)

Chicken in chocolate sauce.(Mexico)

Rancid butter and tsampa. (Tibet)


Edited to add my family's contributions:

Ice cream and chips (Philippines) (Ruby)

Balut. This is a genuine Filipino delicacy - duck eggs with about-to hatch duckling inside (Ruby)

Anything involving octopus and abalone (South China) (Ruby)

Chips with chocolate sauce :rolleyes: (England) (Alex says he really has eaten this, in a friend's house)

Ruby says she has been served but has never actually eaten , dog, :eek: :eek: stewed with soy sauce, vinegar, garlic and chilies (Philippines, usually served as an accompaniment to beer) and cat, :eek: :eek: in steamed sio mai dumplings (Hong Kong and Philippines).

[ 04-15-2004, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Andrew Craig-Bennett ]

Chris Coose
04-15-2004, 03:59 PM
Chicken in chocolate sauce.(Mexico)
AKA Mole' Poblano

Would be one of the 3 top reasons I'd return to Cholula, Puebla, Mexico.

Keith Wilson
04-15-2004, 04:01 PM
Paperhanger's Spaghetti:

This delectable treat was first cooked over a campfire. Bring VERY heavily salted water to a boil. Add several pounds of spaghetti. Add some more wood to the fire. Get absorbed in something else entirely, leaving the spaghetti boiling at least 40 minutes. Drain. This may be difficult, as the spaghetti mush tends to ooze through the holes in the colander, but persevere. Serve with Ragu directly from the bottle.

Added later: Good God, Andrew, I think you've won this round. :eek: I remember the boiled chicken feet in slime from Sunday morning Dim Sum in San Francisco. There were, fortunately, other choices.

I had a conversation with an Indian fellow who had spent much of his childhood in East Africa somewhere. He described a local delicacy, a type of insect that emerges at a particular season and congregates around electric lights. The locals pick them up and eat them like live popcorn. I remarked that there must have been some things when he first arrived in the US that made his gorge rise in a similar fashion. He got a very greenish look on his face and replied, "Sausage."

[ 04-15-2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: Keith Wilson ]

04-16-2004, 07:08 AM
Tuesday night in Beaverdam Va. I was served what appeared to be basically raw rib eye steak, with raw bacon wrapped around it, which had been marinated in red wine for 3 days and then put into the oven for 3 minutes at 250 degrees. Served with asparagus mush, and 3 day old double stuffed baked potatoes. I tried to be polite.

Garrett Lowell
04-16-2004, 07:17 AM
Some of the field chow and MREs I've had were basically inedible. Specifically the "Ham Loaf" from the MRE. Don't know if that's still a choice, but it was an uber-version of Spam. Gives me the shivers just recalling it.

04-16-2004, 07:17 AM
Yummy! I'll save these recipes for special company. tongue.gif

I love food, but the one thing that stands out in my mind is the Chinese preserved egg that I bought in Chinatown when I lived in San Francisco. It wasn't really that bad, but it tasted like a Fig Newton, and it was just the idea in my mind that this was a really old egg and that eggs generally were NOT meant to taste like Fig Newtons. I threw it away after a couple of bites.

Wild Wassa
04-16-2004, 07:19 AM
When I was younger, I would do walks into the Australian wilderness. To cut weight on one occasion (and on one occasion only), I took some stuff in silver foiled packets, to eat as main meals. It was a long walk.


ps, Add water and it reeks. Sierra something-or-other it was, ... lucky I had my favourite space food sticks with me, ... on that most difficult occasion.

[ 04-16-2004, 08:41 AM: Message edited by: Wild Wassa ]

04-16-2004, 09:55 AM
...And then there's
Pork Lard Sandwiches

...which actually taste better than they sound,
although each bite takes about six weeks off of your predicted life-span.

04-16-2004, 10:34 AM
Sue H - yep, I've had Chinese preserved eggs - they are black and were served in a porrige for Breakfast (the waitress couldnt speak english, so I just randomly pointed to the menu).

One has to be careful when making a 'white sauce' as it can double as wallpaper glue. Ask me how.

There is a chain of restaurants in the Philippines serving/devoted to SPAM.

Here in Germany, people eat parts of Pigs that I didnt know existed. Yum!

Jack Heinlen
04-16-2004, 10:41 AM
The worst thing I've ever done to perfectly good lobster was put it in a casserole I pulled off the web. Seems a regional treat is to extract the meat and cook it with butter and Ritz crackers in a caserole dish. Lazy Lobster they call it. Maybe I don't have the touch, but in my rendition it ruined it, horribly, and expensively. smile.gif

04-17-2004, 12:39 AM
...And then there's
Liver Parmesan...

...which, we are told, would have been a lot better had the liver been fully cooked rather than half raw...

04-17-2004, 06:22 PM
Spam with Poi is said to be a Hawaiian dish I intend to never try. :D

The pickled jellyfish and Shark's fin and bird's nest soups in Tokyo where entirely forgettable. (#1 favorite dining out cusine in Japan is Chinese, but nothing like the americanized chinese we get here.)

The alligator and squirrel are never to be repeated gustatory trials from my time in Florida.

04-29-2004, 04:14 PM
A weekend visitor brought a new one:

"Liver Parmesan'
...She said that it might have been nearly edible had the liver been fully cooked...

04-29-2004, 04:39 PM
Originally posted by Garrett Lowell:
Some of the field chow and MREs I've had were basically inedible. Specifically the "Ham Loaf" from the MRE. Don't know if that's still a choice, but it was an uber-version of Spam. Gives me the shivers just recalling it.I'm glad you brought that up. Shang must not have ever been in the army or he would have known better than ask this question. I'll expand your thought just a little bit here. Some of the chow that was fixed back in garrison is inedible also.

The ham patty I thought was edible it was the Tuna and noodles that I couldn't eat. Now days MREs are quite a bit better than the orginal 5 but I can't bring myself to eat the "vegatirian" meals.


ps Who could forget the dehydrated pork and beef patties.

Jim H
04-29-2004, 05:39 PM
The Ham MRE was bad but the hotdog MRE's were worse. I think they were lard packed in synthetic casings, one bite and that was all she wrote - I was done with them for good. After a while I gave up on the "entree" and just ate the cheese-like spread or the peanut butter with crackers.

04-29-2004, 06:27 PM
Mom, god rest her soul, was known for forgetting the food on road trips. She took my older brother and I to Mammoth Caves. We ate cold baked bean sandwiches with mayo. She claimed they were nutritionally complete.

Another family story, I was the baby at the time, has Mom making baby-food sandwiches as she'd forgotten the other foodstuffs.

Amazing what you'll eat when you're really hungry, or have to be polite to your hosts.

Bruce Taylor
04-29-2004, 08:00 PM
A tasty treat from the Forme of Cury (1390)


Take Laumpreys and sle hem with vynegur ožer with white wyne & salt, scalde hem in water. slyt hem a litel at žer nauel.... & rest a litel at the nauel. take out the guttes at the ende. kepe wele the blode. put the Laumprey on a spyt. roost hym & kepe wel the grece. grynde raysouns of coraunce. Drawe hym up with vyneger. wyne. and
crustes of brede. do žerto powdour of gyngur. of galyngale. flour of canel. powdour of clowes, and do žerto raisouns of coraunce hoole. with že blode & že grece. seež it & salt it, boile it not to stondyng, take up the Laumprey do hym in a chargeour, & lay že sewe onoward,
& serue hym forth.

That is..."Take lampreys and slay them with vinegar or white wine & salt. Scalde them in water. Slit them a little at the navel, & press down a little at the navel. Take out the guts at the end. Set aside the blood. Put the lamprey on a spit. Roast 'em, and set aside the grease. Grind currants. Mix them with vinegar and crusts of bread. Add powedered ginger, galyngale, cinammon, and mix in whole currants, along with the blood and the grease. Seethe it, and salt it, and boil until thick (but not stiff). Take the lamprey, and lay 'em in a dish, and pour the sauce over them & serve."

Anyone for "Porpoise porridge"? "Noumbles" pie?

[ 04-29-2004, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Bruce Taylor ]

04-30-2004, 06:05 AM
Originally posted by Jim Hillman:
just ate the cheese-like spread or the peanut butter with crackers.Good thing about the combination is that it reduces the amount of TP you have to take to the field with you. :D


Andrew Craig-Bennett
04-30-2004, 06:40 AM
Go easy on the lampreys, Bruce - that recipe did for King John!

And, if memory serves, Alexander Pope, much later, but I fancy he was just re-heating potted ones, in a silver saucepan, given him by friends for that very purpose.

Wild Dingo
04-30-2004, 06:51 AM
mmmm Kimberley deisel bakeout!... take a perfectly good lump of roo steak which we had sitting around throw in some marinade stuff of any sort wrap in tinfoil and wire down to the top of the motor of the deisel truck and drive for about 4 hours in any direction totally forgetting the bakeout doin a great cookout under the bonnet... open bonnet to chase out the road kill find bake out open him up and have a gander not quite done slightly close the tinfoil up grab tinnie and drink a few... go into pub drink a few more load truck go back into pub have tucker have a few more tinnies fall off the stool and wake there in the morning feeling like the wooly bulls of Halls Creek are sittin in yer gob grab a new beer go find offsider and hit the road again get to whatever job you were going to spend 2 days doing the job and then head down the track to the next one... suddenly remember the roo bakeout under the bonnet... pull over starved outta your head quickly grab the bakeout sit it on the roo bar... turn eyes away and open up put tinnie to your nose and drink to tame the smell... eat... yep me offsider ate the bloody thing blow flies yummy white moving things and all!!! tucker goes off REALLY fast in 40+ heat!

Served to me in a upmarket french restaurant here in Perth many years ago... pastry pie of some french name... smelt a tad "mmmm off?" was reassured by the matre de that it "eez beeeuuoootiful meesure" so cut away and stuff a chunk into me gob chew chew then stopped as girlfriend on the opposite side of the table started chundering everywhere... then the smell and taste assailed me something shocking... spat it out and came up with half a rats body the tail was what got her chucking... and me!! needless to say I have never been back and will never go back to Luis Restuarant in Perth! rat pie is freekin disgusting!!

Andrew Craig-Bennett
04-30-2004, 06:55 AM
Shane - I thought I was a contender, but you have surpassed my list of horrors! smile.gif

Bruce Taylor
04-30-2004, 07:26 AM
Go easy on the lampreys, Bruce Well, I'm ashamed to say we used whitefish and a hibachi.

I was surprised to find the book online yesterday -- complete with Pegge's charming annotation. The recipes work (though I can't vouch for the porpoise frumenty). I prepared a few of them, back when I was freelancing for magazines. The Blank Mang is nice.


Andrew Craig-Bennett
04-30-2004, 08:15 AM
Ruby invariably has a cookery book as her bedside reading; must try this one on her. I take it you mean the plain blank mang, not the one with coneys, which seems more like the congee of southern China.

Bruce Taylor
04-30-2004, 08:31 AM
This is the one I was thinking of. (It's listed as "Blank-mang" in my edition, which seems to be a late 18th cent. reprint of Pegge, w/ additional commentary).


Take Capouns and seež hem, ženne take hem up. take Almandes blaunched.
grynd hem and alay hem up with the same broth. cast the mylk in a pot.
waisshe rys and do žerto and lat it seež. žanne take brawn of Capouns
teere it small and do žerto. take white grece sugur and salt and cast
žerinne. lat it seež. ženne messe it forth and florissh it with aneys
in confyt rede ožer whyt. and with Almaundes fryed in oyle. and serue
it forth.

Jim H
04-30-2004, 10:13 AM
Originally posted by cs:
Good thing about the combination is that it reduces the amount of TP you have to take to the field with you. :D
Chad:D Isn't it amazing how far you can stretch that little pack of tissue paper? :D

04-30-2004, 11:58 AM
One day you need to explain the "ranger" method of using toilet paper. Not to sure it should be mentioned in a food thread (even a bad food thread).


04-30-2004, 12:14 PM
Well, from the EDR (Employee Dining Room) of TW Services, the contractor for Yellowstone Park hotels and transportation comes....


04-30-2004, 12:20 PM
Well, from the EDR (Employee Dining Room) of TW Services, the contractor for Yellowstone Park hotels and transportation comes....

Tijuana Torte!

This tasty staple is theoretically constructed with pinto beans, yellow cheese, taco chips, tomato based sauce, and baked in an industrial sized cake pan, prepared by the employees that were useless for anything else.

people actually lost weight on this stuff. The syndrome was dubbed "e-d-ardia"